In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.
‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”
You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?
Lions – 22, Falcons – 21
Matthew Stafford – 24/47, 325 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 9 YDS. We’ve replaced Matthew Stafford with Donovan McNabb. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Joique Bell – 14 CAR, 39 YDS and 2 REC, 22 YDS. This Detroit running game is one big Joique. (Just a reminder, this is free content.)
Theo Riddick – 3 CAR, 5 YDS and 8 REC, 74 YDS, 1 TD. RIP Reggie Bush. We hardly knew ye…
Golden Tate – 7 REC, 151 YDS, 1 TD. If you would have told me in the preseason that in just a few months, Golden Tate would have been a better choice than Calvin Johnson, I would have punched you in the mouth.
Matt Ryan – 20/27, 228 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 6 YDS. Perhaps Ryan will make a complaint over the tally wacker. I believe that’s what they call the scoreboard operator over in England. I should note that his interception was probably the worst I’ve seen in a long time. Unless he thought that Julio Jones could teleport. That could explain it.
Steven Jackson – 18 CAR, 60 YDS, 1 TD. Jet lag wasn’t an issue for Jackson, seeing as how he’s looked jet-lagged for three years now.
Julio Jones – 4 REC, 58 YDS. That’ll generate international interest. Also, can confirm, he can’t teleport.
Rams – 7, Chiefs – 34
Alex Smith – 24/28, 226 YDS and 4 CAR, 24 YDS. That’s the best empty Alex Smith line I’ve ever seen. So basically the best line I’ve ever seen from him.
Jamaal Charles – 13 CAR, 73 YDS, 2 TD and 4 REC, 44 YDS. Jamaal Charles doing very Jamaal Charles things. WEIRD, I know.
Tre Mason – 7 CAR, 32 YDS and 1 REC, 1 YDS. You win some, you lose some. We’ll call this one a Tresome. Makes total sense.
Texans – 30, Titans – 16
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 19/35, 227 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 12 YDS. Simply Fitzmagical.
Arian Foster – 20 CAR, 151 YARDS, 2 TD and 4 REC, 22 YDS, 1 TD. So, I’m beginning to think that Arian Foster is pretty good at football. I don’t know, what do you guys think?
Zach Mettenberger – 27/41, 299 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Can’t quite figure out if that mustache is an exercise in meh or meth.
Bishop Sankey – 9 CAR, 35 YDS and 4 REC, 25 YDS. More like Bishop Sucky, amiright?
Vikings – 19, Buccaneers – 13
Jerick McKinnon – 16 CAR, 83 YDS and 1 REC, -1 YDS. He has roughly 5.5 YPC, so naturally you want Teddy Bridgewater throwing 42 times. NATURALLY.
Cordarrelle Patterson – 6 REC, 86 YDS – To be fair, Patterson did this four weeks after being fantasy relevant, so no one really missed out here.
Greg Jennings – 3 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD – Did anyone else forget Greg Jennings was still playing? I had to Google him to see if he had just come out of retirement to play this game.
Doug Martin – 10 CAR, 27 YDS and 2 REC, -1 YDS. News has surfaced that the Buccanneers are looking to trade Muscle Hamster, and that there are multiple teams drawing interest. Someone should probably tell them that Richard Gere doesn’t count as multiple teams.
Seattle – 13, Panthers – 9
Russell Wilson – 20/32, 199 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 35 YDS. Put on his best Geno Smith impersonation. Probably to try and be more black for his teammates.
Marshawn Lynch – 14 CAR, 62 YDS and 1 REC, 2 YDS. Reports surfaced before the game that Lynch is not wanted back next season, and would have been traded if not for depth issues. Seems as though the Seahawks learned a lot from Shaun Alexander.
Greg Olsen – 1 REC, 16 YDS. I don’t understand it, and I won’t respond to it.
Ravens – 24, Bengals – 27
Giovani Bernard – 16 CAR, 45 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 2 YDS. Left in the fourth quarter with a hip injury and did not return. With a name like that, I just figured he went to go cook some pizza. While, as of this posting, the injury is not being reported as serious, he’s been going through some aches and pains the last three games. It’ll be something to keep an eye on as the week progresses.
Mohamed Sanu – 5 REC, 125 YDS and 2 CAR, 27 YDS. Death by Sanu Sanu!
 
Joe Flacco – 17/34, 195 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 12 YDS. We’ve secretly replaced 2014 Joe Flacco with 2013 Joe Flacco. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Dolphins – 27, Jaguars – 13
Bills – 43, Jets – 23
Kyle Orton – 10/17, 238 YDS, 4 TD. See? Alcohol does do a body good. Certianly my life story. I mean, without a 4 touchdown game. But, I too, have done great things. GREAT THINGS!
Anthony Dixon – 22 CAR, 44 YDS. So I figured the pick up was going to be Dixon over Bryce Brown (7 CAR, 15 YDS), but wasn’t Dixon supposed to get more than 50 yards? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. Just let me know when you can.
Sammy Watkins – 3 REC, 157 YDS, 1 TD. Yeah, this Sammy Watkins kid, there’s some potential there. Just a smidgen.
Geno Smith – 2/8, 5 YDS, 3 INT. I still don’t understand why Rex Ryan pulled Smith here. He was building a great chemistry with the Bills defense, and his confidence was rising with the more reps he got with that group.
Michael Vick – 18/36, 153 YDS, 1 INT and 8 CAR, 69 YDS. Vick and Smith are basically playing hot potato with this job apparently. “You take it!” “No, YOU take it!”
Chris Ivory – 13 CAR, 43 YDS, 2 TD. Shoot, what am I going to with all of these Geno Smith “Ebony and Ivory” posters?
Bears – 23, Patriots – 51
Tom Brady – 30/35, 354 YDS, 5 TD. So, is Tom Brady really back, or was this just the Bears being the Bears? My conclusion? Why not both?
Jonas Gray – 17 CAR, 86 YDS. Gray was on my roster briefly. He had something like two or three carries against the Jets, and so I cut him and told everyone to not bother. I apologize for his certain fantasy breakout.
Shane Vereen – 5 CAR, 22 YDS and 3 REC, 23 YDS. “Seriously though. What the f*ck is this Jonas Gray sh*t?” – Every Shane Vereen owner. And me. Very much me.
Rob Gronkowski – 9 REC, 149 YDS, 3 TD. Even in nature, Gronkowski’s make Bears sad.
Jay Cutler – 20/30, 227 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT.
Matt Forte – 19 CAR, 114 YDS and 6 REC, 54 YDS, 1 TD.
Martellus Bennett – 6 REC, 95 YDS, 1 TD.
Chicago DST –Â 487 YDS and 51 Points Allowed.
Raiders – 12, Browns – 23
Ben Tate – 16 CAR, 25 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 8 YDS. That’s what I get for touching myself last night.
Andrew Hawkins – 7 REC, 88 YDS, 1 TD. This performance was crucial for my bench scoring more points than my starters. Well done good sir. Well. Done.
Darren McFadden – 12 CAR, 59 YDS and 4 REC, 26 YDS. Rule #1, Fantasy Football: Never, ever, NEVER, EVER trust Darren McFadden.
Eagles – 20, Cardinals – 24
Carson Palmer – 20/42, 329 YDS, 2 TD. Palmer has been around the 15th best quarterback in the league for a solid decade, if not more. I’d say that’s an accomplishment… of something.
Andre Ellington – 23 CAR, 71 YDS, 1 TD. With Ellington, I feel like I should be listening to jazz rather than watching the Cardinals.
Larry Fitzgerald – 7 REC, 160 YDS, 1 TD. With Fitzgerald, I feel like I should be listing to jazz rather than watching the Cardinals. So what I’m saying is, jazz is fun. The Cardinals? Well… it’s certainly not jazz.
Michael Floyd – If anyone knows Michael Floyd’s whereabouts, please alert Carson Palmer.
Nick Foles – 36/62, 411 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 14 YDS. If the football was a baby, that would make Nick Foles a deadbeat dad.
LeSean McCoy – 21 CAR, 83 YDS and 3 REC, 14 YDS. He’s certainly been mediocre of late, but I have to think things will get better once the practice squad isn’t blocking for him.
Jeremy Maclin – 12 REC, 187 YDS, 2 TD. If you didn’t watch the game, you would conclude that no one was covering Maclin. I watched the game, and I can confirm, no one was covering him. Though, the folding table gave it it’s best shot…
Riley Cooper – 5 REC, 88 YDS. Question: What’s British for ‘angry car’? Answer: Riley Cooper.
Colts – 34, Steelers – 51
Ben Roethlisberger – 40/49, 522 YDS, 6 TD. It’s like he took the Colts defense to the bar bathroom…
Le’Veon Bell – 24 CAR, 92 YDS and 6 REC, 56 YDS. Bell up the gut and LeGarrette Blount (6 CAR, 21 YDS and 2 REC, 11 YDS) screens… ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: Todd Haley.
Antonio Brown – 10 REC, 133 YDS, 2 TD. If Brown ever needs someone to bear his children, I’m just one phone call away.
Andrew Luck – 26/45, 400 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 26 YDS. Serious question… Is Andrew Luck like a quarterback Brett Keisel? Or is Brett Keisel like a lineman Andrew Luck? OH, I got it! Ryan Fitzpatrick is Harvard Brett Keisel, who is architect Andrew Luck. It all makes sense now…
T.Y. Hilton – 6 REC, 155 YDS, 1 TD. Whenever I’m on the road, I always stay at a Hilton. It’s such a glorious experience.
Packers – 23, Saints – 44
Mark Ingram – 24 CAR, 172 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 3 YDS. So… that part there about Mark Ingram being productive was really funny. Great joke, right?
Brandin Cooks – 6 REC, 94 YDS, 1 TD. Cooks is the Offensive Rookie of the Year at this point, right?
Kenny Stills – 4 REC, 57 YDS. If Stills rocks that haircut from this point forward, and doesn’t do this touchdown dance, he’s letting a big opportunity go to waste…
Aaron Rodgers – 28/39, 418 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 21 YDS, 1 TD. Can someone make a Twitter account called GAYAARONRODGERS? Oh, never mind, I just checked… there are like three already… why is that?
Eddie Lacy – 13 CAR, 59 YDS and 8 REC, 123 YDS. LACY HAS THE TASTE OF BLOOD AGAIN. Listen, is it just me, or is he back to being fat Lacy again? God, please let it be fat Lacy again.
Randall Cobb – 5 REC, 126 YDS, 1 TD. Cobb, Cobb, CORN ON THE COBB.
Jordy Nelson – 3 REC, 25 YDS. Does Jordy have ebola or something?
