Well, this is it folks. We are nearing the end of what was a glorious and scrumptious set of weeks going over the bulk of our fantasy rankings. Coincidentally, glorious and scrumptious is how I’m described at most dinner parties. With a hint of lilac and ginger. So I’m basically a hot tea. Hot tea. Hottie. HUUUUUUR. Anyways, you should give me a dollar for these set of rankings. Why? So I can give you some quarters back…? I’m simply on fire here. No, I’m serious. It’s the District and we’re in the unbearable humid stage of summer. So I literally need to stick a fire extinguisher between my thighs to prevent chaffed rashes and combustion. It’s like the forest from Fern Gully down there.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I touched on in the Way-Too-Early 2015 Rankings, we’ll be using Razzball’s 2014 Rankings as context to sorta-kinda make sense of where the value has gone, who surpassed expectations, and who didn’t. It should be an interesting exercise, if only to talk about something football related until the preseason starts taking shape, which should be in about 18 years, or what it seems like. Good news is, I guess it’s legal? Today we’ll be going over Quarterbacks and how the landscape has changed. True, 95% of that landscape is Peyton Manning’s forehead, but there are some interesting things going on with the other 5%.

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Welp, what the refs giveth, the refs take away. Something like that. And so it goes for the Cowboys, who saw their season come to end, not with a Romonobyl, but with a whimper. After a “questionable” call in last week’s wild card game against the Lions, which the NFL spent the entire week trying to triage, the brutal karma of it all reared it’s head in the ugliest way possible: The dreaded “Calvin Johnson Rule”. For those of you unfamiliar with this rule, which get’s enforced about two times per decade, here’s the wording:

If a player goes to the ground in the act of catching a pass (with or without contact by an opponent), he must maintain control of the ball after he touches the ground, whether in the field of play or the end zone. If he loses control of the ball, and the ball touches the ground before he regains control, the pass is incomplete. If he regains control prior to the ball touching the ground, the pass is complete.

I guess you could technically rule this the correct call, but I would point out that Bryant’s elbow is down first and the play should end right there. Or just from a simple eye test (you can see a better angle after the jump), this looks like a catch. OR you could conclude that Bryant went to the ground with his feet during the process of the catch, and then proceeded to do a “football play” by diving for the end zone. But what do I know? I will say this… I’m not sure Dallas fans can gripe about bad judgement here… Rick Perry is the elected Governor of Texas after all.

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T.Y. Hilton did not play on Sunday due to hamstring injury. LeGarrette Blount sat out with a bum shoulder. And in San Diego, Ryan Mathews was inactive for the second straight week with a sore vagina. Oh wait, that was last month… it was an ankle this time. It’s hard to keep track with him anymore. Besides, who cares about the Chargers? Just kidding Jay! I mean with Matt Kemp, Justin Upton and Wil Myers joining the Padres, aren’t they the team to root for now in San Diego? That outfield sounds like the ghosts of fantasy baseball outfield MVPs of the past, present and future!

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Thus marks the end of Monday Night Football for the 2014 NFL Season. I can’t say it was a great catalog of games, but when your prime time competition is Sunday Night Football and Thursday Night Football, I guess finishing in the middle ain’t that bad.  And while the game immediately looked like a normal Bengals effort, Andy Dalton’s pick-six at the opening of the game seemed to have no ill-effects. Well, I mean, there was the Alex Smith game plan for a while there, but that only showed us that Jeremy Hill can do interesting things, especially against one of the best defenses in the AFC (not really saying much, but there it is.) In the end, Manning continues his descent into a smarter and more robotic Chad Henne, and depending on how the playoffs go, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him retire this offseason. Or he could play one more year and effectively throw ducks for 4,000 yards and 30+ touchdowns. That forehead could do it. Just as long as January has nothing to say about it…

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Last Week: 9-5-2, Season Record: 94-69-4 

Greetings! I come to you humbled and begging your forgiveness after my lock of the week pushed this past week, as the Seahawks failed to put their foot on the neck of the Whiners for reasons I’m still struggling to figure out. Myself and the Hawks will make up for it this week, and that’s a guarantee straight from the horses mouth… I’ve been compared to a horse for reasons I’ll leave up to your imagination, and I’m not talking Mr. Ed. Wiiiiiiiilllbuuuuuuur. Put on your big boy/girl thong and let’s get this mula!

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Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…

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Has any one set your gaze upon the mystifyingly glorious Great Pyramid of Giza? Perhaps you’ve often thought about, as I have, about dedicating your lives to attempt to discover the whereabouts of the remnants of the Ancient Gardens of Babylon? Indeed, we’ve all fantasized about having a magnificent statue erected of ourselves, such as the statue of Zeus at Olympia, where we shall ever be remembered for our celebrated conquests and remarkable achievements. Truly you, like me, Tehol Beddict, have ever fantasized about bending over some fair maiden in the Lighthouse of Alexandria, all the while marveling at the thunderous waves crash far below. If what I say is true, and you know it is, then you’ve more than likely often dreamt about the power and the glory that is none other than Julio Jones.

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I wonder if Peyton Manning was going against himself in fantasy football last week? Less than 5 points from Peyton during the fantasy playoffs sounds like a fantasy football player’s worst nightmare. How many teams did the prince of Papa Johns let down? And why does he wear a helmet that’s 3 sizes too small? Speaking of 5 fantasy points, that’s the total number of combined points scored by LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris. And while we’re putting together an all-star squad of undroppable players that scored less than 5 points, let’s add Demaryius ThomasJosh Gordon and Jimmy Graham, who combined for 8.6 points. You’re sh*tting me, right? Those six studs put up a grand total of 18.52 points!

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This week is my week of regrets…. quarterbacks I regretted sitting, wide receivers I regretted dropping, running backs I regretted starting, teams I regretted rooting for, and Saturday… where I regretted drinking all night and failed to wake up before kick-off to lock my team in (at least the last one I have a decent excuse, it was my birthday Saturday). [Jay’s Note: Happy Birthday! If it helps, I’m still hung over from mine, and it was over two months ago…] I think one of the biggest regrets of mine is that all of this is happening during playoffs.

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