“Alexa, what’s the weather like in Buffalo?” “Look outside moron.”
The great leader has spoken and global warming has been confirmed a hoax. I mean, with this much cold weather, how can the Earth be warming? It’s like, if the ice is melting, just get out the bourbon and more ice and enjoy the free air conditioning, maaaan. And if it is snow (prove it!), that’s fine too. I mean, if we can’t have the Game of Thrones premier until next summer, then lets bring it right to Buffalo, am I right? It just makes so much sense, kinda like how Ian Eagle should do play-by-play for porn. But if it isn’t snow (believe it!), we must accept that it’s either massive amounts of cocaine (settle down Michael Irvin, settle down) or the salt of dried tears from all the Julio Jones and Melvin Gordon owners out there. It’s okay, it’s totally normal to end your Fantasy Season like this. I read that on Facebook, the bastion of legitimate news, so I know it’s true. But don’t worry, if you’re looking for a distraction in a post-fantasy football world, or you need something to do the next four years, keep in mind that anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough…
Matt Asiata – 11 CAR, 37 YDS, 3.4 AVG, 1 TD, 23 LONG and 2 REC, 14 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 8 LONG, 2 TGTS. The ground war with Asiata grinds to a halt…
Matt Barkley – 20/32, 212 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 1 TD, 92.2 RTG. Bring back Kyle Orton, at least he was drunk every game. #Drunklivesmatter.
Le’Veon Bell – 38 CAR, 236 YDS, 6.2 AVG, 3 TD, 33 LONG and 4 REC, 62 YDS, 15.5 AVG, 32 LONG, 5 TGTS. You never know when a Rex Ryan defense is going to show up, so don’t worry, I already filed the missing persons report.
Antonio Brown – 5 REC, 76 YDS, 15.6 AVG, 40 LONG, 11 TGTS. Pretty par for the course in Buffalo. Contain one of the best players in the NFL while forgetting the other one.
Randall Cobb – 3 REC, 33 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 25 LONG, 3 TGTS. So has anyone even begun to figure out what the deal with Cobb was this season? Was he injured? Is Cobb ever not injured? Who even knows if he actually is? He has some of the healthiest looking injuries I’ve ever seen.
Corey Coleman – 3 REC, 26 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 15 LONG, 11 TGTS. Trump hasn’t even taken office yet, and the Factory of Sadness in Cleveland is looking strong. No jobs being shipped to Mexico here folks. This is 100% American-made sadness being manufactured at peak efficiency… #MAGA.
The last time I saw a Giant getting destroyed like that, Zeus was a teenager.
Jared Goff – 24/41, 235 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 INT, 54.4 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS, 1 TD. In our new post-fact society, I think we can all agree on not just one, but two undeniable facts. First, Jared Goff… hasn’t looked great so far. Second, Goff would be the Jets best quarterback by a magnitude of “Joe Namath could start for the Jets right now and be an improvement”.
Melvin Gordon – 3 CAR, 5 YDS, 1.7 AVG, 4 LONG. “Those familiar with running back Melvin Gordon’s left hip injury, for which the Chargers running back was carted off the field in the first quarter of a 28-16 loss to the Panthers, were hopeful he avoided the sort of severe injury usually associated with such departures. “He’s okay,” one source said at halftime. A Monday exam will help determine if he’s okay enough to return this season.” [Source.] What a year. Chargers not even showing any commitment on the injury front either… if they had that, they’d be able to make history and have the first NFL player die on the field, not this fickle “long-string of injuries the entire season” type of bull cocky. Pretty sure Dean Spanos effed the Injury God’s daughter or something. But don’t worry, moving to Los Angeles will obviously fix all of this…
Robert Griffin III – 12/28, 104 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 1 INT, 38.4 RTG and 7 CAR, 31 YDS, 4.4 AVG, 1 TD, 7 LONG. Hunh, RG3 still not injured yet? Good for him! (I give it a few more hours…)
Todd Gurley – 16 CAR, 61 YDS, 3.8 AVG, 1 TD, 9 LONG and 3 REC, 22 YDS, 7.3 AVG, 12 LONG, 4 TGTS. And with this blowout loss to the Falcons, the Rams are about to announce that Jeff Fisher’s contract will be extended by another two years…
Colin Kaepernick – 15/26, 133 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 1 TD, 84.3 RTG and 3 CAR, 23 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 13 LONG. Chip Kelly: clearly a genius.
Robert Kelley – 16 CAR, 63 YDS, 3.9 AVG, 1 TD, 22 LONG and 2 REC, 25 YDS, 12.5 AVG, 14 LONG, 2 TGTS. Looks like R Kelley is pissing on the Eagles now too.
Eli Manning – 17/28, 193 YDS, 6.9 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 78.4 RTG and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. Eli just wanted to watch Rogue One and go to sleep. Seriously, last night’s game was atrocious and Manning killed more drives himself than a DUI checkpoint.
Brandon Marshall – 3 REC, 33 YDS, 20 LONG, 5 TGTS. I hate to even suggest it, but maybe Todd Bowles can’t run an offense… I’m sorry, it was stupid for me to even suggest. I apologize everyone.
Carson Palmer – 18/33, 145 YDS, 4.4 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 60.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 5 YDS. Now, I’ve never played organized football, but it would seem to me that Palmer might have more success throwing the ball to his own team rather than the other one. Can anyone confirm this for me?
Dak Prescott – 17/37, 165 YDS, 4.5 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 45.4 RTG and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Apparently, the Dak Attack decided to make his murder of my fantasy season as slow and painful as possible.
Thomas Rawls – 12 CAR, 67 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 15 LONG and 1 REC, 7 YDS, 7 LONG, 6 TGTS. Seahawks grand 2016 strategy? Let’s make sure we are playing from behind at all times because that is a recipe for success.
Philip Rivers – 21/39, 236 YDS, 6.1 AVG, 2 TD, 3 ING, 57.2 RTG. 2016! The worst year I’ve ever been a part of. Especially as a Chargers fan!
Aaron Rodgers – 18/23, 246 YDS, 10.7 AVG, 3 TD, 150.8 RTG and 3 CAR, -6 YDS. When it’s cold like this, does Rodgers give his teammates butt-slaps or Eskimo kisses? We ask the real questions here at Razzball.
Ben Roethlisberger – 17/31, 220 YDS, 7.1 AVG, 3 INT, 37.8 RTG and 3 CAR, -2 YDS. I always knew that Big Ben deflated his balls before every game. The real question always was, did the deflatee ever have a choice?
Matt Ryan – 18/28, 237 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 3 TD, 126.6 RTG. Never bet against Matty Ice… I mean, unless it’s a playoff game. Or an away game*. Or a game in December*. Then, you know, bet the house. *Does not include teams that are coached by Jeff Fisher.
Trevor Siemian – 35/51, 334 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 1 TD, 93.1 RTG. There are limits to how much one can accomplish with a mediocre quarterback and no offensive line, and the Broncos will probably have to address that sooner or later. I hear there’s this guy named Tony Romo (a lover of terrible offensive line play!) who might be available…
Ryan Tannehill – 15/20, 195 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 124.0 RTG and 5 CAR, 20 YDS. Well, they went and did it everyone, the Dolphins offensive line has finally killed Ryan Tannehill. Sorry about that Florida. Join us Chargers fans in drinking a lot and rooting against other people, just like this past election cycle!
Carson Wentz – 32/46, 314 YDS, 6.8 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 86.7 RTG and 2 CAR, 5 YDS, 2.5 AVG, 3 LONG. Well, the slow-motion plane crash that is the Philadelphia Eagles continues unabated. I feel like battery prices are only going to go up to match demand…
Russell Wilson – 22/39, 240 YDS, 6.2 AVG, 1 TD, 5 INT, 43.7 RTG and 4 CAR, 19 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 8 LONG. We’ve secretly replaced the Seattle Seahawks with the San Francisco 49ers, let’s see if anyone notices…
Jameis Winston – 16/26, 184 YDS, 7.1 AVG, 82.9 RTG and 5 CAR, 16 YDS, 3.2 AVG, 14 LONG. I guess a ball getting away from Winston is much better than Winston getting away with assaulting someone with his balls. Silver linings everyone.
Hey Vikings… you want to know who else had one eye? Odin. He did alright guys.