Handcuff Report, Week One: The 2014 Primer

Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we'll be there. If Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we'll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we'll be there. You get the point.... Wait.?!?! That's not what this post covers?.... It's about running back committee's? ...Hmmm I don't think that's right. Jay, I think we have a problem.....I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le'veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay... I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I'll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I'll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I'll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I'll probably switch to more of a "handcuffs to watch format", where I'll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we'll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I'm cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered? Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said "cops use"... do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That's Why!!!

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Cream O’ Wheaton

by: Smokey

During the season, I will be spotlighting a player who is either on the cusp of your starting line-up for the week, or someone I see that needs some light shed on him due to match-up, man-scaping ability, or because I see something someone doesn't. This week we shed the spotlight on Markus Wheaton. Basically being drafted as a WR3/4 in the vast majority of places, he is a maybe-start for most people. Well, I am here to learn you some stuff about the second fiddle now in the city with 'tree rivers. Let's start with the obvious... Antonio Brown is as legit a number one receiver as there is in the league. That's a good thing, because they play the Browns, and have a top shutdown corner who they like to shadow all across the field on number one recievers. So Haden covers Brown, but it should be noted that I've heard rumors to the contrary, and that Haden might be all over the field. To tell ya the truth, I am not buying it at all. He is a shut-down corner, is paid like one, and will try to take Brown away from the under-rated Steeler passing attack.

HAUSCHKA 2: THE HAUSCHKENING

September 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 130 Comments

by: Jay

Come on refs, you're usually with us on this...

Football finally happened folks. Let's have some cake. OR watch the first two touchdowns of the season go to no one fantasy relevant. Yeah, you're right. Let's have cake instead. So yup, the season opener... It wasn't that bad. I will say this- it is definitely the "traditional start" to the season... both elevated and dashed hopes, plenty of derpiness, and wild, crazy rethinking of fantasy players.

SNF, err, on Thursday, so TNF… but on NBC, so I Guess it’s maybe SNFTNFNBC?: Green Bay vs. Seattle

September 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 19 Comments

by: Jay

Ah yes, the magic of football has returned, with the season opener on SNFTNFNBC (I feel like I just mapped the genome with that acronym... or just entered in the Contra code). After seven long months of dealing in a world without football, now we get five months of unadulterated joy and happiness, or I guess depression if you are a Cleveland Browns fan. Which wouldn't be much different than any other day in Cleveland I suppose.

HEY JACK, IT'S A FACT!

1 - PAPRIKA IS FOR MEN

2 - YOU BOOZE, YOU LOSE

E - RESPEK THE SUN

(.Y.) - AARON RODGERS IS A REAL FOOTBALL PLAYER

That being said, the Packers face the daunting task of going into the dreaded CenturyLink Field, where fans cheer really loud apparently and are almost too proud of it. Those hipsters, they were cheering so loud before it was cool. Pete Carroll also brings his gum-smacking Ric Flair impersonation to full bare on the sidelines. I mean, is this guy ever not chewing gum? What adult man chews gum? Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with...

Streamers, Week One: Face Palm(er)

September 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 26 Comments

by: Nico

Hello readers! I’m new in town, but I come bearing gifts! This is the first of many weekly streamer installments that I will be posting on Razzball. Each week, I will be burrowing into the depths of the waiver wire to pull out the most valuable streamer options for the week to come. I will target players less than 50% owned on Yahoo, in the hopes of providing you with an upside player widely available in your leagues, and I will focus on the QB, TE, DST, and K positions. I also intend to give you two options at each position, if possible, but I won’t force it! If things work out, and our relationship gets a little more serious, I’d say some of these waiver grabs could also translate to high upside tournament plays in daily fantasy football games. I said upside, not backside… things aren’t getting that serious! Additionally, following the Razzball tradition of transparency, I will analyze my picks after each week against their positional ranks to ensure full disclosure to the readers. Without further ado, let’s take a look at who has stream potential in Week One...

Battle Flex, Week One: Flex Yourself

September 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 73 Comments

by: J-FOH

What's a battle flex? Why a battle flex? Obviously, this battle is when we get two guys going head-to-head in a battle to decide which one to play. Like DJ's in a club, or MC's on a stage, we are going head-to-head in our flex this year. Should I play this guy or that guy? Or what about this running back or that wide receiver? This series, though, is going to be a reflection of you readers who also have some kind of battle flex going on in your roster, a sounding board if you will. Whenever I get a question, it is usually trying to decide between player A or player B. So in the spirit of indecision and frustrating insecurity, I bring you the Battle Flex. Each week I'll do my best to highlight a few battles to represent different sized leagues. I'm also relying on you guys and girls to help me shape this and make this about what you want to see. Got it? Good! Let's move on...

IDP Rankings, Week One: Fitzmagic on Satellite

September 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, IDP Report, Weekly Rankings | 18 Comments

by: Kevin Kumpf

I spent the last two weeks combining my apartment and my fiancee's apartment into one, just so I could be prepared for Week One of the NFL season. I sat around waiting on the DirecTV guy for four long hours just to be told, immediately, that the satellite dish wouldn't work on my balcony. While he was discussing the finer points of the southern sky, I had a terrible realization: I'm about to spend the next 17 Sundays with Ryan Fitzpatrick and Tony Romo, and the occasional Drew Brees sprinkled in just to taunt me. Mind you, I am a Miami fan, so it's not like I'm used to excellent quarterbacking, but this is 'Murika. I expect freedom! After a bottle of bourbon and a good night's sleep, I started trying to make the best of the situation. When life gives you Cleo Lemon, you make lemonade. I thought back to my own words about being stuck watching teams that you're not interested in, and I realized that I get the pleasure of watching Watt and Clowney terrorize the league. I can see if my boy Anthony Hitchens can become a starting LB in Big D, while also laughing as Romo throws yet another pick to Antrel Rolle or DeAngelo Hall. And if I want to watch some offense, there's always NFL RedZone. So once again, that's the beauty of IDP leagues. Even when you have a balcony that is apparently facing the wrong direction, you still don't need to feel compelled to jump off it.

Rankings, Week One: And So It Begins…

September 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 181 Comments

by: Jay

ALL THE OMINOUS POINTS. That's right folks, we made it. Another football season is about to begin, and, to add the cherry on top, I'm enjoying this new, drug addled Wes Welker. (All aboard the Cody Latimer train, amiright?) But we made it. We traveled through the black hole of what is the period immediately after the Super Bowl to the NFL Draft. Then, after the 10-year long period allotted for the draft, we were treated to free agent signings, Ray Rice trying to live up to all former Ravens named Ray, Josh Gorden being suspended not for smoking weed, but for being stupid, and about 99% of the league producing "best shape in their life" stories for our consumption. The 1% being Rob Gronkowski, because that physical state is not possible for him. And now, real games to fuel our fantasy games. It sounds so epic when I put it like that, not like +5 to magic missile to your touchdown amulet of wizardry. Which, to be honest, sounds like a pretty cool category to have. Regardless, with the season budding with excitement and hope, it is now time for me to begin releasing our weekly rankings, because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what's the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values?

Ambulance Chasers, Week One: The Big Gronkowski

September 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 24 Comments

by: SethDaSportsMan

Week One of the NFL season is finally here! Months and months of drafting and prepping your fantasy football teams has reached it's end. Invite your friends over, get some charcoal for the grill, and stock your fridge full of your tastiest beverages, 'cuz it's gonna be a helluva ride the rest of the way. As always, I will bring you my "Ambulance Chasers" articles each and every Wednesday during the entirety of the football season. So, while you're sipping on a cold one, let's go over some fantasy football players that may or may not be "on ice" this week, starting with New England Patriots' tight end Rob Gronkowski. [Jay's Note: Because of course.]

Deep Impact: Dwayne Allen

September 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Deep Leagues | 10 Comments

by: Jarrod

This is the second article in a series we are referring to as, “Deep Impact” where we at Razzball examine players who are tucked away deep in the player projections and are bound to surpass their underwhelming expectations. The benefit of these players, aside from showing off your fantasy football prowess, is that they are often available on your fantasy league waiver wire and can often provide relief to fantasy owners looking for quality talent in deeper formats. This article will analyze the fantasy value of Indianapolis Colts third-year tight end Dwayne Allen. The former University of Clemson product was actually drafted in 2012, along with franchise quarterback Andrew Luck and fellow tight end Coby Fleener. He was expected to become a key contributor in the Colts rebuilding offense, and while he played well his rookie season (45 receptions for 521 yards and 3 TD’s), he managed to fly under the radar.

Sleeper: Tim Wright

September 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Sleepers | 15 Comments

by: Geoff

Okay, full disclosure I'm a Patriots fan and have been for a long time. The first professional sports team I can remember caring about was the Pats. My father had molded me into a football fan from an early age. The problem was the Patriots were terrible and a lot of their games would be blacked out. Even though I grew up 25 miles from Foxborough, I rarely saw a televised home game. Instead I filled my Sundays watching the 49ers and Joe Montana or the Giants in the Phil Simms and Bill Parcells days. We'd typically get away Patriots games and almost always they'd get smoked. It got so bad there was talk of the franchise moving. A preposterous thought nowadays. At one point it seemed as though they were headed to St. Louis. It sucked being a Pats fan. Then Bob Kraft swooped in bought the team, hired Bill Parcells, drafted Drew Bledsoe with the top overall pick, and started rocking the hell out of two toned collected shirts. So what I'm getting at is, I'm sort of bias.

DraftKings: Oh Kaep-tain, My Kaep-tain

September 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, DraftKings | 123 Comments

by: Sky

Greetings all. I'm here for the first of many DraftKings posts. And by 'many' I mean 'once a week for 17 weeks'. Sounds daunting, I know. Wanna know what's even more daunting? Trying to write this up two weeks in advance. Yes, you're talking to August Sky when you comment on here. Well, it will really be September Sky in the comments but he's commenting for August Sky from here. Do you know how hard it is to be split personalities based on months in the same post? The United States of Tara got nuthin on me! And why am I writing so far into the past you ask? Well, I have a few reasons...32 of'um to be exact. You see, I'm on the final leg of the #32in32in32 tour with Nick Capozzi starting on the 30th of August. That's in Chicago and here's me pointing at the spot on that sweet Razzball tour bus where Chicago is just in case regular maps confuse you. I won't be home until after the first game of the year so I'm thinking ahead and getting the goods to you in a reasonable amount of time, ya dig? So apologies in advance if my info seems more dated than my cultural references. I'm doing my best! But now that we have that covered, let's go even further into the past. Here's my Pump & Primer post from earlier this August. It's a great stop for those of you who are wondering just what the heck this DraftKings business is. BTW, you'll notice I keep giving you a hyperlink for DraftKings...see I did it again! That's your ticket to the $100,000 play action tournament care of Razzball if you're a first time DK'er. And by clicking on that link and signing up through us, you let DK know that we sent you which lets them know we like them. It's like Valentine's Day and we're secret DK admirers and you're the box of chocolates we're sending with a note attached saying 'I wanna make sweet, sweet love to you down by the fire on a polar bearskin rug'. So it's a win, win situation. Minus the staples you got from the attached note. Sorry about that, we'll use tape next time. But you've already got a DK account, you say, but want something tempting from this post? Well how about Razzball's 20 Team Week 1 DK Challenge? I reserved my seat back in August, where have you been? But of course, now that we've covered the pimping, let's get to the playing and namely, playing against a bad defense. You see, the Cowboys were easily one of the worst defenses last year. I know, I know, don't hang your hat on last year's stats. But what did the Cowboys do to improve? By getting rid of DeMarcus Ware? Last time I checked, losing your best defensive player doesn't improve your squad. This team is a mess and Jerry Jones is out there doing bathroom selfies in lewd ways to try and forget that he owns it. Speaking of owning, that's what Colin Kaepernick will do come Sunday. Though I'm not the biggest Kaep guy for the year, I do think this matchup is for him to go hog-wild in given the set up. Colin finishing the day with 30+ points wouldn't surprise me in the slightest and he's not even priced in the top five QBs for the day. By the end of the day, Colin will have you saying 'Oh Kaep-tain, my Kaep-tain, our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won'. And not to get all sappy on you but yes, that's my Robin Williams shout out. Gonna miss you, Mork. Now on with the week one picks for DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Football...