Hit it or Quit it, Week 8: A Good Palm(er) for Your Johnson

Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are again, hooptie-ridin’ into Week 8. Yours truly managed to go a solid 4-2 this past week, which was not too bad considering most of my rosters now are waiver wire pickups and those few grounds crew guys I picked up back in Week 3 (Manuel is currently my all-time points leader). It also seems that the trip to the Voodoo Mambo, to rid me of the Black Widow curse, helped somewhat, as I managed to get through Week 7 without any of my players incurring concussions, blown knees, felonies, misdemeanors, or severed appendages. But, hey, it is Monday night at 8:00 PM as I am writing this, and I still have a couple guys playing tonight, so... anything is possible. Before I decide to feast upon more man souls this week, follow me and my spectacular breasts (they still don’t inhibit my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge) as we journey together into Hit it or Quit it: Week 8.

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KC’s Review, Week 7: Rams Did a Good?

by: KC

I have to say, I love a good underdog story (maybe I have watched “Rudy” too many times), but I always find myself rooting for a team that the odds are against. And I love when that team pulls it off. This week was a good week for my underdogs, and was filled with plenty of trick plays, upsets, and record breaking plays.

Steelers Last Only Three Minutes, Wish I Could Do That

October 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 161 Comments

by: Jay

While it's easy to say that this game didn't end in a very competitive fashion, it would have been far easier to say that this game actually looked like another lackadaisical loss by the Steelers... well, up until three minutes before the half. Keep in mind that they had already gained only 50 yards in their first 21 plays and the Texans had a 13 point lead up until that point. And then...

THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT

I'm not joking folks. In the final three minutes of the first half, there were two Texan turnovers and 24 Steeler points. I would recap what exactly happened here, but it require about 2500 words of nuance and waxing something poetic about a Steelers team that I just can't bring myself to do. (Just to give you a taste, I haven’t seen an ambitious beginning turn into a bloody death since the Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Nor have I seen such an explosion at Heinz Field since Bane showed up with a megaphone.) So look at it this way... if three minutes of profound competence was good enough for my date the other night, who am I to say that it isn't good enough for the Steelers?

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MNF, Week 7: Texans vs. Steelers

October 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 20 Comments

by: Jay

The word coming out of Pittsburgh is that the Steelers aren't about to panic, but it should be noted this is what people usually say when they are panicking. In an epic battle between two 3-3 teams (funny story, did you know Seattle is also 3-3?), the Steelers look to rebound from what has been an inconsistent season so far. In this case, whatever Ben Roethlisberger has wanted, did, in actuality, not happen. Maybe the story would be different if their games were played in the bathroom stall? But the next best thing for them is they are on a three-game set at home, starting with the equally inconsistent J.J. Watts, who some people call the Texans. Watt leads the NFL with 20 hits on quarterbacks (please hit Ben a lot tonight), and has 40% of the team's sacks. What would help is Ryan Fitzpatrick showing more of that Fitzmagic. Err, wait, that magic has actually led to a 58.9 passer rating, so maybe less magic here bro. But keep the beard. Trying to figure out if you're a confederate general from the Civil War, or the lead singer of the Spin Doctors is the only thing that entertains me when you're trying to drive the football. It's Monday Night Football, so it'll be interesting to see if my television can survive the Chris Berman onslaught combined with Steve Young's hot takes. Trying to figure out what Wes Welker snuck into Jon Grudan's water is also high on my priority list.

The C-hawxcalypse is Upon Us

October 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 107 Comments

by: Jay

I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn't exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I'm sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin's face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn't have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we'll call them "Cialis") included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened...

Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but "technically" there wasn't enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That's two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it'll have to do.

SNF, Week 7: 49ers vs. Broncos

October 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 45 Comments

by: Jay

If I could describe this game in two words, they would be: Brett Favre. Or, as some pronounce it: Brett Fahhhhhhrvve. And if I could describe this game with more than two words, it would just be Brett Favre typed out a bunch of times. You should actually thank me, as I'm preparing you mentally for what will be a barrage of Peyton Manning/Brett Favre comparisons, graphics, anecdotes, and overall jaw stretching for those two quarterbacks during Sunday Night Football. If you were buried under a rock all weekend (which, if you were, maybe stay there?), you should know that Peyton Manning is just two touchdown passes away from matching the aforementioned Brett Favre for the NFL record. In what should be a pretty entertaining game, two of the winningest (is that a word?) teams since 2012 will face off, only be to overshadowed by a retired player who sends d*ck pics to ask women out. Why not just stick to trying to sell them your jeans? The 49ers have surprisingly and quietly won three straight after starting the season exactly how Seattle appears to be ending it, including a season-high 432 offensive yards against the Rams. Then again, it was against the Rams... who actually beat Seattle earlier today, so really, I have no idea what to think of the NFC West anymore. It's weird.

Week 7 Late Games: Derp Level Rising

October 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 31 Comments

by: Jay

Despite coming off a pretty thrilling victory over last year's Super Bowl champs, the Cowboys won't convince me of anything until they actually do some winning in December. But until then, a game against their fellow NFC East neighbors, the Giants, should be exactly the type of game Dallas would normally just sh*t on in past years. Coming off a convincing win against a favored opponent, anchoring the afternoon viewing slot, against a division rival... these are all the perfect set of ingredients needed for epic Cowboy derp. Of course, while this seems like a recipe that has worked so well (or not so well, I guess) in the past, I'm willing to at least admit that this year does look a bit different for the Cowboys. Especially when the Giants have their own problems, losing Victor Cruz for the season (with his career is in possible jeopardy) along with a shut out loss (0-27) against the Eagles last week. Still, based on both these team's past history, you'd have to think this game will have plenty of WTF and LOL, no matter the outcome. So consider me excited.

Week 7 Early Games: Jets Now Officially In “Win Now” Mode

October 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 135 Comments

by: Jay

While I would have normally highlighted other potentially entertaining match-ups like the Bengals vs. Colts or the Panthers vs. Packers, or maybe even the Browns vs. Jaguars (HAHA, just kidding) in the lede, the Percy Harvin trade heard around the world is still fresh on our minds, still pungent from the smell of crazy. Reports (the Seattle PR machine was revved up and ready to go apparently) have already surfaced about how disgruntled Harvin was, including mentions of past conflicts with Russell Wilson and getting into fistacuffs with Golden Tate. (But when it comes to punching Golden Tate, my question is: who wouldn't?) Despite all the headlines, the game still looks to be a safe win, as there usually isn't anything to fear from an 1-4 team that's being led by one best quarterbacks in the NFL when measuring profound mediocrity. However, Harvin is one less offensive weapon the Seahawks will have coming off a fascinating loss to the Cowboys, and if Seattle finds some way to lose this one, the potential schadenfreude would be orgasmic. It should be noted, while I would consider the chances of losing to the hapless Rams about the same as Olivia Wilde touching my bathing suit areas, that St. Louis has historically done well against Seattle when at home, and generally played pretty well against the 49ers last week. It's enough to where I'm still getting my popcorn (and alcoholic beverages) ready for this one.

The Stats Machine, Week 7: The Stats In The Hat

October 18, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 22 Comments

by: malamoney

"The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play. So we sat in the house, and made it a Stats Machine day..." With six weeks in the books, I think it's time to start analyzing what the Stats Machine (TSM) has had to say so far and see what numbers it's pulled out of it's hat.

Start ’em and Sit ’em, Week 7: This Week Isn’t A Brees

October 18, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 71 Comments

by: waterloo

If you decided to buck the industry trend this year and draft a quarterback early, there's a 66 percent chance you are happy. Sure, Aaron Rodgers put up an expected dud in Week 1 against the Seattle Seahawks, but since then, he's been the model of consistency. There's also a guy by the name of Peyton Manning that you may have heard of before. Yeah, he's pretty good. But then there's Drew Brees. Brees was a consensus top three quarterback during drafts, and he went as high as the first round over Manning and Rodgers in certain drafts. But so far this year, Brees has left much to be desired for fantasy owners. Thus far on the season, Brees has nine touchdowns, six interceptions and hasn't topped 375 yards or 23 fantasy points in a game yet. You'd sign off on those numbers over five games for many quarterbacks, but not for what it cost to get Brees.

Breaking: Seahawks trade Percy Harvin to Jets. Wait. What?

October 17, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 69 Comments

by: Jay

Hunh? Yeah, that was my exact reaction. And I would have typed this up sooner, but it's Friday and my typing gets noticeably slower when there's a drink in one hand, and a bottle in the other. But we all make sacrifices, especially for a story that will assuredly shock everyone... the Seattle Seahawks have agreed to trade Percy Harvin to the New York Jets for a 2015 conditional pick, which will range from a second-to-fourth round pick.

Handcuff Report, Week 7: Handcuffs To The Handcuffs

October 17, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 40 Comments

by: Geoff

In what has become a seemingly weekly occurrence the most interesting handcuff in the land happens to be playing in the Thursday Night Game. I think this happens just to spite me. It's as if the Football Gods force injuries and ineffectiveness on starters the week before they play on the thirstiest of all days. This week's example of my curse is, of course, former (?) third stringer Brandon Bolden. The man who I had pegged to be taking over the Stevan Ridley "Big Back" role in New England. I figured if Bolden failed, then James White was probably next in line. But of course Bill Belichick did the most Belichickian thing ever and activated Jonas Gray from the practice squad, gave him a few carries, and leaned heavy on Shane Vereen. It looks like Bolden is more valuable to the Pats as a special teamer than a runner, and I have no idea what James White's issue is. I was shocked that he was inactive and you have to figure he's deep in Belichick's doghouse at this point. It's really surprising considering how good he looked in pre-season and camp. The only ownable back in this scenario is Vereen.