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In hockey, three goals is called a hat trick. In basketball, three 3-pointers is 9 points. In baseball, three home runs is a monster day. In football, three touchdowns is now known as a touchdonnell! Surprisingly, there have already been 6 touchdonnells through the first 4 weeks of the NFL season. Julius Thomas in Week 1, Antonio Gates and Brandon Marshall in Week 2, none in Week 3, and Jamaal Charles, Matt Asiata and Larry Donnell this past week. Congratulations to all fantasy owners that reaped the rewards of these players' performances, and my condolences to those that had them on their bench. Those of you that have read some of my other posts will know that I am not a big fan of projections. At their core, they are the fantasy sports version of fortune telling, and I don't know about you, but I consider anyone that claims to be able to look into a crystal ball or use tarot cards to predict the future, to be full of sh*t. I have studied the art of sleight of hand since I was about 13 and I can guarantee you that what a few might think is "magic", is not. It's the result of countless hours of practice, routining and misdirection. With that said, it might surprise a few of you that I am about to shuffle a deck of cards and make a few predictions of my own. However, instead of pulling some numbers out of my a** hat, I am going to use current stats to project future stats. It's a little trick I like to call "on pace".

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Well, Thursday Night Football... what can I say? The average margin of victory was 28 points (and if I actually knew what math was, I'd have to guess it would probably be around 30 points now after last night's game), and I still can't figure out if these blow out games are boring... or just plain sad. One thing's for sure, Thursday Night Football is where NFL parity goes to die. The Packers opened up the first half with five, I repeat, five 3-and-outs, but still managed to lead the game 28-0. The Vikings couldn't reach their own 45-yard-line until late in the second quarter... and then, when they did, it was on a Matt Asiata run where the end result was a fumble. Because of course. And it only got worse from there. For example, I think the Vikings are still punting as you're reading this.

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While Teddy Bridgewater is technically a game time decision, Adam Schefter is reporting that the "signs point to him (Bridgewater) not playing tonight." Which means that there's a 50% chance that he's playing, while there's a 100% chance that Christian Ponder might play. THE SUSPENSE EVERYONE. Suffering a high ankle sprain in last Sunday's surprising win against Atlanta (41-28), Bridgewater was held out of practice all week. Seeing as how this is the same injury that's been ailing Jamaal Charles, I expect nothing less than three touchdowns and 90 rushing yards from the Minnesota quarterback tonight. But, if Ponder starts (UPDATE: Ian Rapoport has now confirmed that Ponder will be starting), that should be just as exciting. And by exciting, I mean like how watching two cars crash into each other is exciting. Remember, the Vikings are facing a Packers team fresh off a game against the Bears where they ended every single drive with at least a field goal attempt. Adding the cherry on top, the forecast is calling for a torrential rain storm that we haven't seen the likes of since Darren Aronofsky's Noah. So... should be derptastic fun for all folks...
The last time we referenced a Denzel Washington movie in the title, things turned out pretty well… so I’m going to put my hands together and pray for a similar outcome.  Hallelujah!  Praise the Fantasy Overlord!  Although he can’t harness Biblical powers, Eli Manning is your best overall streaming option for week 5.  (Side note: Philip Rivers is the only QB that CAN harness Biblical powers, i.e. 2014).  Before you stop reading, hear me out.  Well, maybe I don’t blame you for leaving… I’d leave too… but if you’re willing to stay, there’s more to our streamers than just an Eli Manning recommendation.  Last week in the Streamer Department, we nailed the 2nd overall defense (Miami), and a top-10 quarterback and kicker to boot (pun intended).  That’s two solid weeks in a row!  We’re looking to improve on that this week with the seven options below:
Yeah, if you figure out this week's post theme just by the title, good for you. Well, in New Jersey, it's good for you, but that's neither here nor there. Still trying to figure it out, are ya? If you haven't figured it out, the title is an anagram for this week's spotlight dance, and by dance, I mean post. Because no one wants to battle me... maybe J-FOH, because we would all love to see that saga unfold.  Would be better than when the TKO Crew battled Electro Rock under that bridge in that fictional piece of cinematographic genius called Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo. Well, if you gave up already, the clue I was going to give you was that you need to put a hyphen in there. I know that just gave it away... but this week's feature is on an up-an-comer, sorta like Little Mac, and his name Is Austin Sefarin-Jenkins.  The behemoth of a man who happens to play a fantasy relevant position and not an axe man in the world Lumber Jack Olympics. Why I like him this week is multi-faceted, and it starts with him playing the hapless Saints defense, and ends with him being a favorite of the baby giraffe known as Mike Glennon. Intrigued?  Sure you are! Come on in for some punch and pie. Jay(Wrong) made it, and I hear it's not made out of kittens, amphibians, or anything from the Paleolithic era.
2014 In-Season Accuracy: 62.7% (2nd out of 21 Experts, 65.8% Highest, 43.6% Lowest). The lede this week is, of course, an homage to one of my favorite childhood shows Keenan & Kel. After pairing on this show, All That, and the criminally underrated 1997 film Good Burger (Sinbad, Abe Vigoda AND Carmen Electra?), Keenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell unfortunately went their separate ways, Keenan to an improbably long career on SNL, and Kel to do the voice of the bulldog on Clifford the Big Red Dog. What does this have to do with IDPs you ask? Well another Keenan is making an improbable rise to the top, this time in Washington.
2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.4% (23rd out of 125 Experts, 60.0% Highest, 47.2% Lowest). Week 4 Results: 56.5% (48th out of 128 Experts, 61.1% Highest, 42.8% Lowest).

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Let me tell you folks, nothing gives me more glee than to see, for the first time ever, Kyle Orton available to rank. And then, of course, the actual rigorous process of ranking his greatness among all the other quarterbacks... just really hits the spot. Ties the room together, if you will. When he was released by the Cowboys last July, there was this immediate emptiness in my heart, like part of my soul was missing. Luckily, a quick trip to the liquor store solved that. But the fact still remained... my life needed, strike that, REQUIRED one of the best quarterbacks this generation has ever witnessed (in terms of alcoholic affinity) to be employed by a National Football League team. So when news was announced that he had signed with the Bills in August, I was jumping around like a giddy school girl, that is, if school girls could legally get drunk for breakfast. And you can only imagine what I did this week when news came out that he would once again be starting, taking over for the inconsistent E.J. Manuel.... if you answered: DRINKINGMOTHERF*CKERS, you would be correct, sirs and madams. Whatever you think of Kyle Orton, he's certainly left his mark on me. On us. ON EVERYONE. Maker's Mark that is... And onto your Week 5 Rankings, NOW with more Kyle Orton...
We should all consider Week 4 a success.  We escaped the quarter-season mark with nary a single catastrophic injury.  I'm sure I just jinxed us, but in the NFL, if you can play out an entire week's worth of games and keep your fantasy roster away from the IR, you, my friends, have won at life itself. Of course, there were a few injuries (Cecil Shorts, Teddy Bridgewater, Niles Paul), but not enough to warrant a rant over.  So this week, we will discuss some previously injured players, who returned to the field or have made notable progress in their recoveries.

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Brian Bellows. Who the h-e-double hockey sticks is Brian Bellows? He was the first round pick (2nd overall) for the Minnesota North Stars in 1982 who went on to become the franchise's all time leading goal scorer by putting 342 pucks in the net. And it is Neal Broten, a member of the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, that won gold in Lake Placid, who holds the record for points (796) and assists (547). But perhaps the most famous and my favorite North Star is Mike Modano, the all-time goal-scoring and points leader amongst American-born players in the NHL (sorry Dino Ciccarelli fans). In 26 seasons, the North Stars of Minnesota played 2062 regular season games and made the NHL playoffs 17 times, including 2 losing Stanley Cup appearances. In 1993 they said goodbye to Bloomington, Minnesota and its fans and moved to Dallas, Texas rebranding themselves as the Dallas Stars. Poor attendance during a string of losing seasons, an inability to reach an agreement on a new arena, and a sexual harassment suit against team owner, Norm Green, are the primary reasons given for the team's departure. There were actually plans of moving to Los Angeles and becoming the L.A. Stars, but apparently The Walt Disney Company was already in talks with the NHL to bring the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to the league.
Howdy all, your boy Young Ralph Lifshitz is in the building, and I'm covering Daily Fantasy at DraftKings for the Legend (wait for it) Dary Sky. Just in case you're wondering, Sky is fine, and certainly not bound and duct-tapped in the trunk of my 1998 Lincoln Mach VIII. From what I hear, Sky is in the Poconos with the Mrs. for a week of horse racing and cuddles and bubbles. Whether what I just said is a bold faced lie is for me to know and you to find out. While you come to your own conclusions about the last part, let's talk about things we do know. First and foremost, pooping in a public bathroom is awkward 90% of the time, and the other 10% is middle of the road, but only because you're alone. Secondly, and far more disgusting, the Jacksonville Jaguars stink against the pass, and by stink, I mean hot garbage cans full of rotten eggs. They currently average 2.8 passing TD's allowed, 7.9 YPA, 11.4 yards per completion, and 40.8 opponent pass attempts per game. The last number is the most telling, because the only teams with a higher attempt per game average are the Broncos and Bengals. And well you pass against the Broncos and Bengals for very different reasons than you do the Jags. Sorry Jacksonville fans, but it gets no better this Sunday as the Pittsburgh Steelers and their top 10 passing attack come to town. After Week 4, the Steelers rank 8th in the league in passing yards per game with an average of 274.8. They also boast the top wide receiver in the virtual game in Antonio Brown, a dual threat RB in Le'Veon Bell, and a veteran QB with a strong arm in Ben Roethlishberger. Though all the aforementioned names are strong buys this week, for the purposes of this post, Big Ben is my main focus. At a price of $7,400, Roethlishberger is the 12th most expensive option on the board, and due to his matchup, an absolute steal. He should easily outperform that rank on his way to a top 5 day. I suppose it's not without risk as the Steelers could find themselves up big early with no need to pass. My guess is the improved Jacksonville passing game combined with the less than stellar Pittsburgh defense could keep the game just close enough to matter. Well that's my hope anyway. Coming off a strong showing at home last week against the Buccaneers the Steelers passing attack should be in for another big game against another weak opponent. New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!
A lot has changed in a month, oh, hold on... I'm sorry, just one second here, let me take off my captain's hat. It takes so long to remove because of how big it is. I think it's probably since the word "obvious" is like size 840 font. As I was saying, it feels like years since we've gone back and updated the preseason rankings. And there's a reason for that. (No, it's not because I have to reevaluate ranking Ryan Mathews so high. You shut your wh*re mouth.) I'm just not a huge movement guy early in the season, probably because of the profound lack of fiber in my diet. I hesitate making reactionary moves, and I'd rather see how things play out in a majority of scenarios in Fantasy Football. Much like Fantasy Baseball, I want to see how things stew a bit before making wholesale changes, and to be honest, I would love you to do the same. Now, unlike baseball, waiting 20 games or so for trends to emerge wouldn't work here, as you'd be making roster changes around Super Bowl time... just a little bit tardy there. Just a little. But taking the season in 4-game increments can be beneficial for your mind, body, soul, and probably loins. There's science to back this up, I swear. So look forward to these rankings being updated after every four games from here on out, so until then... Here are Razzball's Rest of Season Rankings for 2014: