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So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.

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Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…

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Ladies and gentlemen: Florida.

Remember the early season hype on the Dolphins? To be honest, I’d probably remember it better if those same people who hyped them up didn’t backtrack faster than a Michael Jackson moonwalk after Miami started the season 2-3. But after winning three straight on the heels of a capable Ryan Tannehill, a functional Lamar Miller, and an underrated defense, we probably have to take them seriously as a possible playoff team. Granted, the three wins were against a Titantic-sinking Bears team, the Jaguars (no adjectives necessary) and a San Diego team that is 93% IR eligible. Thus enters the Detroit Lions and the return of Calvin Johnson. Which I guess also signifies the return of Matthew Stafford to being mediocre instead of just terrible. And while it’s surprising that the Lions have gone 6-2 with such a derpy offense and a running game that matches my walking game, you’d have to think this is the type of match-up that could signify which team is for real. Or maybe not. So I guess it’s just like every other Week 10 game that doesn’t involve the Jags or Bucs, who don’t need to tell us anything. Just go home, both of you are drunk.

Week 10 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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Well, that was an interesting game, said no one ever. To be honest, I’m not sure what I was expecting from a game featuring two teams that originate from the state that created Skyline Chili, but I suppose this would be a fair enough assessment of where they stand in all things. Whatever that means. For all intents and purposes, the game ended with a little over four minutes expired in the first quarter as Ben Tate rushed for a touchdown on a Browns possession that resulted from an early Andy Dalton interception. The two teams kept playing for the next two hours, though I have no idea why. Probably just to troll us. Thanks Ohio! In other news, the Browns have a winning record in November. Wait, what?

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2014 In-Season Accuracy: 58.20% (25th out of 122 Experts, 60.70% Highest, 47.80% Lowest).

Week 9 Results: 60.30% (23rd out of 130 Experts, 66.00% Highest, 46.10% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Week 9 60.30% 23 131 66.00% 46.10% 4.00% 44
Totals 58.20% 25 129 60.60% 47.80%

And now, your Week 10 Rankings…

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Well, seeing as how the rest of the NFC East has come to depend on Colt McCoy, Brandon Weeden, and Mark Sanchez in the past week, the fact that Eli Manning remains alive seems to be the positive takeaway from last night’s game if you’re the Giants. And. That’s. About. It. While the 40-24 score may seem like the Colts didn’t forge a path of destruction, it was only due to 14 4th quarter garbage points that masked it from the complete blowout that it was. Despite the equally egregious blowout that the Colts just partook in with the Steelers, they seem back on track to represent the AFC South as we move closer to the playoff discussion. Because let’s be honest, it’s not gonna be the Jaguars. CRAZY, I know. The Giants, meanwhile, find themselves in trouble now having lost three straight. But hey, I’m not waving the white flag until we see Curtis Painter. Or, wait, you say they play the Seahawks, 49ers, and Cowboys the next three games? Uh-oh…

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I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?

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That’s right folks. One of the best teams in the NFL (tied with Denver for the league’s best record) is none other than the Seattle Seahawks, Detroit Lions, New England Patriots, Arizona Cardinals. I believe this fact, combined with the Cleveland Browns having a winning record in November, is what was described in the bible as “Judgement Day”. Or maybe I’m thinking of some Terminator movie. Either way, the world is ending, but not before the offensive, defensive, adequate in all facets juggernaut known as the Cardinals has a chance to build off an unlikely Cowboys defeat at the hands of Colt McCoy (lol). The latest news, of this writing, has Tony Romo questionable and a game-time decision, but I have to think Josh Gordon, like myself, is really looking forward to Weeden’. Even if Brandon Weeden does take the start, you’d have to think that DeMarco Murray will touch the ball around 564 times, which, if I did the math right, is only two more times than his season average… should be fun!

Week 9 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.

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Let us pray.

The wait is finally over folks. Despite a shaky start by our lord and savior, Breesus Christ, the true nature of the Carolina Panthers took over the game and made sure that the Saints broke out of their four-game road losing streak, and they now have a strangle hold over the NFC South. With a 4-4 record. Sigh. Mark Ingram put in another solid night, rubbing it in for all of us who drafted him two years ago. Thanks man. Speaking of thanks, Cam Newton did a well enough job, but that’s with the context of being pretty terrible, so yeah. He did a great job of being terrible. True, he was under duress for most of the night, getting sacked four times, which forced two fumbles. And yes, the Carolina offensive line is just really offensive without three of it’s regular starters. Not to mention the receivers had their fair share of drops. But hey, always look on the bright side. It could be worse, ya know? You could be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…

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In what will be a showdown for the ages, with the context of said showdown being for first place in the dumpster fire known as the NFC South, seems as though it’s a perfect game to spotlight during Thursday Night Football, a prime time slot that has been utterly corrosive to our livers about 90% of the time. Or maybe that’s just my liver. I love alcohol. What of it? After treating the Green Bay defense like tissue paper, Breesus and his disciples (see what I did there?) look to take on the fledgling Panthers. Fun fact: Every team in this division is fledgling. Except Tampa Bay. They’re just terrible. Coming into the season with what was supposed to be an elite defense, Carolina has given up at least 37 points four times in the past five games. But they did hold Seattle to 13 points, proving that Seattle’s offense is kinda sh*tty. That being said, Cam Newton still has some room to grow, and DeAngelo Williams is back in time for this game, just to get injured again. So, uh, yeah, should be one of those games…

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Rest of Season Rankings have been updated, and can be found here.

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.90% (33rd out of 122 Experts, 60.70% Highest, 47.80% Lowest).

Week 8 Results: 56.30% (67th out of 130 Experts, 64.80% Highest, 45.20% Lowest).

Accuracy Rank Experts Highest Lowest Score +/- Rank +/-
Week 1 61.80% 22 134 66.10% 48.20%
Week 2 54.00% 35 135 61.30% 42.10% -7.80% -13
Week 3 57.40% 88 128 67.10% 44.30% 3.40% -53
Week 4 56.50% 48 128 61.10% 42.80% -0.90% 40
Week 5 56.50% 70 131 69.40% 47.00% 0.00% -22
Week 6 56.30% 27 133 63.10% 41.50% -0.20% 43
Week 7 59.70% 33 132 64.30% 46.50% 3.40% -6
Week 8 56.30% 67 130 64.80% 45.20% -3.40% -34
Totals 57.90% 33 129 60.70% 47.80%

And now, your Week 9 Rankings…

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While the game as a whole was a close scoring affair that went into overtime, looking at it from the micro view, the first half was entirely forgettable. In fact, I had a hard time not throwing an unsportsmanlike penalty flag having been forced to watch those two quarters. To put it succinctly, the Cowboys did practically everything wrong and were still only down by three. The game suddenly became entertaining in the second half, until Romo went down from a sack and headed back to the locker room until late in the fourth quarter. They said he passed through the stadium bar, so I’m assuming some shots were in order. For a while, it was Brandon Weeden facing off against Colt McCoy, and I had to Google to make sure I wasn’t watching a preseason game. Suffice it to say, McCoy found a way to win in overtime, because heart, or something, and while Romo returned to a standing ovation, begging for a Romonobyl so powerful, Godzilla would awaken, we were treated to a spinning incomplete pass to end the game on downs. Not exactly the aphrodisiac I was expecting. But with a surprising win, Washington finds itself 3-5 with a chance at 8-8, and if Romo’s back takes a turn for the worst, we now know how Dallas will finish 8-8, unfortunately leaving the suspense out how they were going to do it.

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