Greetings! Your baby mother’s favorite fantasy football gunslinger is back! “Hile, Beddict.” “Hile, Gunslinger!” I can hear you chanting it from your mother’s basement! I am very much looking forward to tomorrow’s games, for I will be in Las Vegas, spread eagle at the Palazzo, getting my gooch waxed for what will certainly be an entertaining week.

Legal weed….Prostitution…….Automatic weapons…..Prostitution…..Gambling……Prostitution…Who doesn’t love Las Vegas!? Last time I visited, I lost 10K betting the over of the Alabama/Texas A&M game back in 2012. Alabama, at home, on senior night, with Eddie F*CKING LACY couldn’t punch it in from the 3 yard line against one of the worst defenses in college football history………..WHAT THE F*CK!!>!!>?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!! WHY ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Anyway, wish me luck, and enjoy my work below, if it does ya.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! TAKE HEED!!!!

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Greetings! Is it Week 3, already?! Holy O’hemlock, time is flying by, yet it’s frozen for me somehow. As I lay here, chest’a-flat on this one of a kind gargoyle-engraved marble bench in the depths of Beddict manor, I can’t help but question some of my life choices as I ponder my next move. I envision that many of you may feel the same way: Did you marry the right squaw/man? Why did you let him/her talk you into that third pet, or third child for that matter? Why is your son a quarter black? Why are you in that cubicle, working for some filth you despise, checking your Facebook account every five minutes, wondering if you should buy that seemingly incredibly crafted waist-trainer for your significant other? Would that make you want to bang him/her again? Probably not, but it’s something to waste more meaningless time with, giving you a glimmer of hope that one day, MAYBE, possibly, you could make love to your mate again and not have to envision some celebrity, hot third cousin, or you children’s friends or whatever sick fetish that is now festering inside you like a rotting, maggot-infested weasel corpse. Anyway, who’s ready for some football?

Razzball Football’s partner FantasyDraft is starting a new sign-up promotion this week, all new depositing signups receive a free $4 “Everyone Wins” NFL GPP ticket for the upcoming Sunday slate along with offering all players 4% cash back on their initial deposits! 

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Greetings! I come to you live from the airport, where I sit and judge every single person that walks by simply by their appearance. Why do we do this? The study of human behavior is a fascinating subject, so fascinating that I’ve decided to pay Rudy to build a similar program to Hittertron, that predict how many Razzball writers will block me on Twitter that week. I requested that the Rudester go balls deep, rhino-horn up the pie-hole style, cost be damned! What makes all the other writers hate me? They start off as fans, but eventually begin acting like one of my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, MAAAAAAAANY scorned lovers. Am I just an a*shole? Am I too defensive? Are they too defensive? You’ve got to be realistic about these things as the answer is most likely yes to all of the above, but it’s the details that will shock us, possibly even empower us to become better human beings. And on that note, my rankings are below. May it do ya fine!

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Greetings! Rankings or spankings, what be your preference, my goodmen? Why not both, I say. Aye, why not both of these joyous splendors of life? If that does happen to be the case, I reckon you just popped your second 30 milligram time-released Adderall of the day in a hopeless attempt at actually putting forth effort into a job you actually care extremely little about. Yes, you have children, but do you know 100 percent that they are of your seed? I mean, we all recall your cocaine and dry-humping days from college, and both have been known to cause permanent damage. Beddict would know as well as anyone. I suppose if you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, you are well aware of the father of your children… or do you look at little Tommy and then recall that girls trip you took to Antigua where you got blacked and rode a sexy, guitar playing Irishman who reminded you of the dude from ‘P.S. I Love You’? Aye, the man was hung like a prized moose, he was, and honestly, the kid’s probably the better for it. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. Either way, some of my rankings below may shock you a bit, but trust in the Elders and give me your faith, and I swear by all that is pure in what is left of this once great planet, that I will take you by the hand, and guide you to glory. Tis my fate, after all. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, say he’s a birther of great and powerful knowledge.

Below are my rankings for Week 1. I pray that you enjoy them and take them to hear. Thankee-sai. Take Heed!

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Also, check out our other sponsor, Fantasy Draft, for all of your DFS needs. Contests on-going!

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Greetings! I write this to you, loyal subjects of Beddict, from the trap-house, the one I share on lengthy drug-bingeing weekends with a pink-haired beauty named Maleficent. I’d give the skin off my balls for 20 minutes of slumber, but you know what, upsetting sweet Jay by not having a post submitted today would latch a gonorrhea burn to my soul for the remainder of my days on planet earth, and that’s something I’d prefer not to live with. Let’s proceed, shall we, aaaaaahkay!

I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is my Top 200 overall Rankings. TAKE HEED!

Take me on in the Razzball Commenter Leagues for a chance at prizes! Free to join, leagues still open!

Do you need a safe and easy way to store your league’s Fantasy Football fees? Look no further than LeagueSafe.  It’s fast, safe, and very user friendly.  Put in promo code: RAZZBALL and get a free $10 added to your league’s purse if you’re a new member!

Also, check out our other sponsor, Fantasy Draft! They are having a 25,000 Freeroll DFS contest this weekend for your chance to check out all of the enhancements that Fantasy Draft has made since last season. Try and win some cash… for free? Check it out!

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Before you begin to read this article, I shall require that you execute a move to a quiet and discreet location. If you have an office, close the door and shut the blinds. If thou works in a cubicle, a restaurant, manual labor, etc., I demand you leave at once. You deserve a sick day, you deserve… my sickness. I will even personally have a doctor write you a note. That is correct, I’ve consummated relationships with numerous doctors, the kind that are not timid when it comes to getting their hands dirty… Usually it’s a pointer finger up my butt, but in this case the gals will gladly write you the letter, prescriptions extra, butt (no pun intended) of course. Marijuana is encouraged, not because I smoke it (I’m sober), but because I’ve been told that’s the only way a human brain can properly portray what I am trying to get across here. If not, just steal some of your wife’s Adderall she keeps for weight-losing emergencies, you know, the stuff she keeps around to impress the co-worker she flicks the bean to three nights a week while you’re drinking macrobrews with your bros, or sleeping on the sidewalk for early Comic-Con admittance. Divorce her? And lose half of your things!?! ARE YOU INSANE? Have your children taken away from you!??!…Depends on the children I suppose. Do you realize your fantasizes of picking up a hot younger woman will disintegrate the moment you are sharing a studio apartment in the city with curtain down the middle with some 20-year-old college junior college grad driving a 2002 Prius, for you are now paying child support and are far less good looking than you’ve believed your entire life. You’ve become sloppy and overweight, balding; you’re a farter with halitosis that needs assistance in having the zits on his back popped. Maybe it’s time for some life changes. Quite possibly, it’s time to hit the gym, get some hair plugs and some benzoyl peroxide wash for your back… OOOOOOOOOOOOOR, you could just focus all you energy and built up repulsion of that badger you married, ON BUILDING THE GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! The key to getting out of your marriage ahead just be shutting her out completely and then having a private dick follow her around until he snaps some flicks of her getting papaya from that aforementioned co-worker we spoke of earlier. With that being said… I AM TEHOL BEDDICT and this DISGRACE/DELIGHT! TAKE HEED!

Take me on in the Razzball Commenter Leagues for a chance at prizes! Free to join, leagues still open!

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Greetings! Loyal subjects, it brings me great honor to join you for another week where we can discuss the state of your fantasy football team while also throwing out guesses as to whom, between Christian Slater and Nicolas Cage, is packing the bigger papaya. Gotta be Cage, right? Anywhoosers, I had an absolutely stupendous time at the Seahawks game this weekend. Destroying the team that represents perennial losers like Meek Mill and the 76ers created immense joy inside of my once empty soul. However, I did stop at Buffalo Wild Wings on the way to Beddict Manor, as it’s where I met one of the friends of mine I took to the game. The food there is beyond godawful and I have absolutely no idea how this restaurant got so big. You’re telling me that no other company could create a similar sports bar (i.e. just a bunch of TVs), with EDIBLE food and waiters who aren’t high out of their minds? I haven’t been to Hooters in like five years but, oh ho-ho, that succulent meat is calling my name. Did you think I was talking about their chicken wings? That’s a negative, Ghostrider. Anyone been to Twin Peaks? There’s one close by and I’m highly intrigued. Let’s chat later about it.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Greetings! Well, well, well, what has the doctor pulled out of the musty pudenda of FantasyPros, but yet another Lord Beddict top-five finish. I do this not to gloat (NEVER!), but to enlighten you to the fact that this is all not just some game to me. I take the NFL more seriously than I now take the risk of getting and/or giving STD’s, and if you’ve witnessed my unsheathed rapier, then certainly you’d know that it’s first coated in layer of hand sanitizer, then swaddled with saran wrap, fitted in sausage casing, followed by a bubble wrapping and a blue whale magnum, all before crevice entry. But, honestly, I have loved this sport immensely for more years than I care to count, and as my hair greys and my forehead wrinkles, it gives me some (very little) peace of mind knowing that my brobdingnagian love of the sport finally paid some dividend in my life. And to think, I’ve been waking up in cold sweats in the middle of a nightmare where I’m just falling into nothing, screaming at the top of my lungs in terror, asking myself why I’ve wasted so many hours of my life on this meaningless shit. Waking up to text my therapist, begging her to help me find some purpose in this life before being hit by a semi-truck on my five thousand dollar bike or having my penis and scrotum ripped to many, many, large pieces by a great white shark. But it seems all those what I thought were useless hours, I could have spent focusing on my real job, saving relationships or just living a decent life, actually paid off in a major way. What a time to be alive.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!!!

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Greetings! What. Just. Happened? Six months ago, I would have literally bet my life against five grand that Donald Trump had zero shot at being the Republican nominee. Two months ago, I would have bet every red cent I have that he could not defeat Hillary Clinton in this epic battle for USA supremacy. It became quite apparent to me how insanely wrong I was about the whole sitch, right about when Trump did Killary like Frank Dukes did Chong Li in Bloodsport. One can only receive so many consecutive roundhouse kicks to the grill piece before they fall to the mat in a bloody and bruised pile of raw hamburger meat and shart-stained drawls. This is honestly the hugest upset in the history of politics, or maybe the biggest upset of any kind. I’m talking about in the history of the world. I am beyond shocked. A few months ago, I would have said I’m appalled, but Hillary is so insanely unlikable that the fact she could have been the first woman to preside over the United States of America wasn’t even an interesting story. Her campaign became desperate, as she posted edited attack ads going at Trump, making her look petty and weak. Not only did Trump win, but the Republicans managed to still maintain control of both the house and the senate! PLEASE RID THIS NATION OF THE DEATH TAX! This money has already been taxed. What right does the government have to it? Again, this money has already been taxed. I don’t even understand how this is a real thing. But, truly, this Trump shizz is beyond nuts, but kudos to him for staying the course and pulling it out. Imagine how incredible it would feel to win the Presidency after countless celebrities and people like Warren Buffett and Mark Cuban blasted him non-stop. I must say, that that’s quite impressive. You simply cannot deny this. Yes, my goodmen, Donald J. Trump got the last laugh here…

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace and Delight! Take heed!

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DENVER, CO - OCTOBER 30: Running back Devontae Booker #23 of the Denver Broncos rushes for a touchdown in the third quarter of the game against the San Diego Chargers at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on October 30, 2016 in Denver, Colorado. (Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

Greetings! Over these past few weeks I’ve often wondered: “Have they missed me since I’ve been gone?” Will my strongest supporters simply move on and attach themselves to any of the other talented Razzball writers, or will they mourn me by drinking and drugging themselves for the remainder of their miserable lives, slowly killing themselves in the memory of the Lord? What I can tell you is that I’ve spent the past couple weeks in the crater of Mt. Vesuvius, smoking mass quantities of peyote and drinking absinthe by the boatload, conversing with the Elder Gods about my future and what has been foreseen. The good news, you ask? My dream of my writing career surpassing my great many thong modeling accomplishments looks like a given, but the bad news, my goodmen, oh hohoho, you mustn’t never find out for only the scurviest of bottom feeders could possibly have the wherewithal to comprehend what I must do. They’ve rarely been wrong in their predictions for my life in the past. I mean, they did predict I would finish second overall in the FantasyPros rankings a few weeks back AND they informed me that some crazy hood rat would come out the woodwork, saying I owe her 500 dollars for blowing out the back of the gal watching her home while she was out of town. This gutter ferret had the gaul to threaten me on Facebook. ME! The Lord! My judgement shall be swift and merciless, and her destiny of bobbing for worm-infested apples, surrounded by diseased swine in the dank dungeon of House Beddict. Just because I put a dime piece in the perfect flex on her cheap ass bed certainly doesn’t mean that I broke and it certainly does not mean the Lord will throw some gold coins at her to shut her hole. Peasantry.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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