Before you begin to read this article, I shall require that you execute a move to a quiet and discreet location. If you have an office, close the door and shut the blinds. If thou works in a cubicle, a restaurant, manual labor, etc., I demand you leave at once. You deserve a sick day, you deserve… my sickness. I will even personally have a doctor write you a note. That is correct, I’ve consummated relationships with numerous doctors, the kind that are not timid when it comes to getting their hands dirty… Usually it’s a pointer finger up my butt, but in this case the gals will gladly write you the letter, prescriptions extra, butt (no pun intended) of course. Marijuana is encouraged, not because I smoke it (I’m sober), but because I’ve been told that’s the only way a human brain can properly portray what I am trying to get across here. If not, just steal some of your wife’s Adderall she keeps for weight-losing emergencies, you know, the stuff she keeps around to impress the co-worker she flicks the bean to three nights a week while you’re drinking macrobrews with your bros, or sleeping on the sidewalk for early Comic-Con admittance. Divorce her? And lose half of your things!?! ARE YOU INSANE? Have your children taken away from you!??!…Depends on the children I suppose. Do you realize your fantasizes of picking up a hot younger woman will disintegrate the moment you are sharing a studio apartment in the city with curtain down the middle with some 20-year-old college junior college grad driving a 2002 Prius, for you are now paying child support and are far less good looking than you’ve believed your entire life. You’ve become sloppy and overweight, balding; you’re a farter with halitosis that needs assistance in having the zits on his back popped. Maybe it’s time for some life changes. Quite possibly, it’s time to hit the gym, get some hair plugs and some benzoyl peroxide wash for your back… OOOOOOOOOOOOOR, you could just focus all you energy and built up repulsion of that badger you married, ON BUILDING THE GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! The key to getting out of your marriage ahead just be shutting her out completely and then having a private dick follow her around until he snaps some flicks of her getting papaya from that aforementioned co-worker we spoke of earlier. With that being said… I AM TEHOL BEDDICT and this DISGRACE/DELIGHT! TAKE HEED!
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Quarterbacks Beddict Believes in His huge heart will Delight in 2017
Russell Wilson – I see some of these fantasy rankers are a tad confused regarding Wilson’s 2017 outlook. Yes, he ran for 230 yards less than his previous career low, with an atrocious offensive line and with Lockett, P-Rich, and Prosise being injured for huge chunks of season. Oh yeah, and he was injured THE ENTIRE SEASON. Imagine Nicki Minaj’s butt implants popping and having to perform… Yes, she has fans that still MIGHT enjoy some of her music, but let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment and admit that if Nicki isn’t bending over and gyrating those fake butt cheeks around like a big bowl of Cosby’s gelatin gigglers, we’re not all that intrigued any longer. Only once before did Future’s Daddy have a season where he averaged less yards per attempt, but he made up for it with 849 yards and 6 scores on the ground. Not only will his health improve his rushing stats, but it will improve his ability to move around and get outside of the pocket and make those legendary throws he’s so well known for. Offensive line be damned, this shall be Wilson’s finest year of life… Part of that is because he’s married to one of the most exquisite females in this hemisphere, but just a small part, my goodmen. Just a small part.
Jay Cutler – With an arsenal including Landry, Parker, Stills, and the bloodless corpse of Julius Thomas, an arsenal that probably puts Tyrod Taylor on Sui-watch, Cutler, IF he can avoid injury, should be a serviceable fantasy QB in 2017. Yes, I understand Gase likes to run the ball, but this team is one Jay Ajayi injury away from letting smokin’ Jay make haters pay. Listen to what I say. How bout I just go eat some hay, I can make things out of clay and lay by the way. What do ya say? I just may.
Brock Osweiller – Just kidding
Quarterbacks Beddict Believes Will Disgrace in 2017
Andrew Luck – Labrum surgeries on quarterbacks frighten me more than urinals without dividers. Seriously, why haven’t these been outlawed. I literally have to wait in the line to go in the stalls because I get stage fright pissing in the undivided urinals. Speaking of piss, the Colts made the correct decision in moving on from the fraudulent Ryan Grigson, but are in major need of roster improvement. Luck actually had a very nice year last year, as he’s obviously a gamer and a winner, but for a chunk of that season, he didn’t look right. The offensive line is still beyond disgraceful, Dorsett is on the trading block, and, again, I’m beyond petrified
Tyrod Taylor – My favorite quarterback in the NFL, I shall never bash thee in public, BUT, I will admonish the entire Bills organization for peasantry as it well deserved. Someone must pay. Listen to what I say… oh sh*t, I already used that one. If you recall, I was the very first Tyrod supporter in the country, as he is the most dynamic runner at the quarterback position in the league today. A healthy Sammy Watkins would have tempted me to put Tygod in my top-10 QB’s for 2017, and I still wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow ended up there… but this receiving core is without question the weakest in the NFL. If a team like Denver or Houston had traded for Taylor, I truly believe in my heart they would be an immediate Super Bowl contender, but instead he’s stuck wasting his life in the middle of nowhere. It pains me to say this, but I’ll probably be avoiding the Rodfather on draft day.
Running Backs Tehol Adores in 2017
Marlon Mack – The Colts would be wise to pass the torch from resident graybeard, Franklin Gore, to this young stallion as soon as humanly possible. Gore has somehow remained relatively healthy, even while being wrinklier than Gandalf’s ball sack, but he’s more than due for an injury or just a basic falloff. Mack is explosive and yearning for glory. He is one of the higher upside mid to late-round fantasy running back selections that one can unearth this season. Pray to the Elders that he finds his way onto your roster.
Paul Perkins – Much like a schoolboy, hopelessly in love with his junior high math teacher, this choice could end up making look foolish, as Perkins has underwhelmed this preseason as the less heralded Orleans Darkwa has grinded his way to splitting first team reps. HOWEVER, Junior high students now bag their teachers on the reg these days and Perkins is the superior talent. If he’s your RB 4, you could end up with a power the likes your league has never witnessed. If he’s your RB2 or RB3 you may end up neutered in the town square in front of your friends and family.
Derrick Henry – DeMarco Murray has more tread on his tires than the entire Kardashian Clan’s clams put together, meaning, that a falloff or injury is soon to come. And come forth young Henry shall! Averaging 4.5 YPC and 10.5 per reception in 2016, Henry proved that he’s hungry for stardom. With an offensive line filthier than Billy Bob Thornton’s sex life, and the health status of Murray shaky at best, I would bet on Henry piling up over 1000 yards and double digit rushing scores.
Running Backs Beddict Abhors in 2017
C.J. Anderson – Much like Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Anderson just hasn’t gotten it done lately. Scoring on a few occasions a year is cool… if you’re a priest, which means your minimizing alter boy seduction, but when you’re a running back in the NFL and your backup is a superior talent, it means you could be in trouble. Yes, Booker should be out till weak three, giving Anderson a decent shot at seizing the job, but, frankly, he’s been about as trustworthy as a pet beaver. I really don’t recommend them as pets. Nasty beasts.
Mark Ingram – Kamara looks like a freak of nature and Adrian Peterson was brought in too… Where does that leave Ingram? Probably in a pile of maggot infested hippo dung. Worth a late round flier, as AP has been injury prone and is extremely old, but Ingram’s time in New Orleans could be coming to an end.
Mike Gillislee – Ever heard that old children’s tale from the sea that went something like: “Once there were five honey badgers in a marble pit with nothing to eat. Clearly, the strongest would kill the others, feasting on their corpses and using that gained super strength to burrow it’s way out. This is why it’s said to never assume behavioral characteristics of honey badgers. Instead of the battle to the death occurring, the five honey badgers took turns taking chunks of one another’s flesh, taking only what it took to survive another week at a time. They refused to kill one another, and when all hope was but lost, a man showed up, hauled them out and had prosthetic limbs attached where they had chewed each other to the nub. That man was I, Tehol Beddict, chosen son of the Elder Gods, lover of all animals. They still live with him (me) to this day.
Anyway, this means that the Patriots have at least four extremely capable running backs so the Gillislee hype was probably a tad over the top, and that’s coming from his biggest fan. Again, me.
Wideouts Beddict the Elder Worships Heading into 2017
Stefon Diggs – Why the Diggs hate? Yes, it’s well known that the Elder Gods have cursed Sam Bradford with injuries and a physical build that has no business in the National Football League, but Diggs is a star. If you can’t see that, you’re out of your mind. Why is everyone down on him? He’s on the rise and should receive more targets than ever before. Draft with confidence.
Tyreek Hill – He’s gone daddy gone, the Mac is gone. He’s gone daddy gone, the Mac has gone aaaaaaaaway. Salute the Violent Femmes for one of the greatest albums in music history. Jamaal Charles is gone as well, guys/gals, so, let’s see, who’s left? Chris Conley and Albert Wilson… and some bodies that probably wouldn’t make any other team in the league… except for the Bills obviously. What does this all mean? Well, my goodmen, it means that Reek (no disrespect, I’ve heard he’s packing a python) could end up in the top-5 in touches for NFL receivers. Some would call this a bold choice of words. Some are not in tune with the Elder Gods and what they seek to accomplish. Some should be banished to North Korea for hard labor and whatever other kind of weird shit they have going on over there.
Terrelle Pryor – The only comparable length I can recall is when I walked in on Manute Bol washing himself in small creek in Sudan, as it took four of his village wives to properly cleanse his spear. Say one thing for Tryelle Pryor, he made the correct decision in taking less money to remove himself from the bottomless and empty hole that is the Cleveland Browns organization and QB situation. Well done, sir, well done, I say! If he can put up the numbers he did last year then what will he do with Cousins feeding him the rock? Single coverage all day and an incredible red-zone target? Yes, please.
Andre Holmes – Flashback to 2014 when Holmes had 47-for-693 and 4 touchdowns. Fast forward to the Bills current situation and realize that Sammy Watkins was just dumped, Anquan Boldin predictably bounced as soon as he found out Appelbees was the only hot spot in town, Jordan Matthews is already injured, and Charles Clay is soft shelled crab with one of the worst contracts in NFL history. Trust me on this one. Nobody else is telling you this. Nobody else is Tehol Beddict.
Wideouts Beddict Thinks are Pond Scum Going into 2017
Emmanuel Sanders – Sanders is a great talent but John Elway has insisted on going with the bum a*s quarterbacks he currently has on the roster, rather than bringing in a legend like Tyrod Taylor or Kaepernick, and Denver’s legendary receiving duo has to pay the price for it. Thomas is the bigger and more talented of the two so he will still end up with great numbers due to force feeding, but the likelihood of Sanders getting the targets he deserves just isn’t there for me.
That’s it for me here, and I’m reaching on Sanders. I’m just a lover, what can I say!?!? I’m higher on all the predicted busts from most fantasy analysts, but, hey, I’ve been wrong before…
Tight Ends Beddict Desires His hands Upon in 2017
Rob Gronkowski & Jordan Reed – Don’t listen to all these analysts. Either one of these guys could win you your league. Same with Jimmy Graham. The drop off after the top five tight ends in the sport is pretty monumental so you’re going to want to draft a great one early and find a sleeper at another position in the later rounds. Just my thoughts…
Thank you kindly for joining me for my first post in quite some time. I know I don’t always include tons of number references as far as statistics go but if you’d like to discuss that, I’d be happy to do so in the comment section below. My posts may be humorous, but trust me when I tell you I take this game very seriously and don’t just spew out random players. I believe in what I write. Let’s chat later.