Elihand

It’s adorable that Eli thinks if he grows a beard, it’ll help with his perpetual eight-year-old looking face. You have to be at least 14 to do that…

[Puts hands on hips every single time my team screws up, since I had nothing to do with it. And everyone around me doesn’t measure up to my exacting standards that I haven’t somehow been able to communicate to the team over the last umpteen years, mainly because of them. Totally.] -Tom Coughlin. And thus ends the Giants season, (most likely), but don’t worry, the dream still remains alive that the NFC East division (which I also sometimes call Derpville, Population: NFC EAST), won’t have a team that will finish above .500. All that stands in the way is competence from Washington. Haha, we all know what that means. Also, Cam Newton threw another set of about 20 or so touchdowns in the first half and finished the game with 5,258. While that’s partly the Giants being the Giants, it’s hard to deny that Newton has had a MVP-caliber season on a team that’s expected to go far into the playoffs. It’ll be interesting to see how the actual vote settles, with Tom Brady doing Tom Brady-like things and other, whiter players in the mix. I’m sure we can depend on the complete objectivity and unquestionable ethics of all the sports writers to come through. And since the award will be based on the merits, the MVP will probably go to… Peyton Manning.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 15’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Kamar Aiken – 8 REC, 128 YDS, 1 TD. What in God’s name are the Ravens wearing? To me, it appears they are really embracing the idea of resignation.

Javorius Allen – 4 CAR, 18 YDS. Oh my god Ravens. You’re drunk, go home.

Cameron Artis-Payne – 14 CAR, 59 YDS and 2 REC, 34 YDS. Did you know what Mr. T’s prediction for the Panthers vs. Giants game was?: “ARTIS-PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYNE”.

CWrlBG6UYAAS0Pv

Odell Beckham Jr. – 6 REC, 76 YDS, 1 TD. While I would normally question the choice of footwear here, I find myself unable to say anything negative about OBJ, therefore, I will allow it.

Jimmy Clausen – 26/45, 281 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 30 YDS. My God, the Ravens really are bad this year. I had no idea how bad, until I sat down yesterday and watched them for about five minutes.

Stefon Diggs – 3 REC, 55 YDS, 2 TD. What is this, October?

Shaun Draughn – 9 CAR, 38 YDS and 1 REC, 4 YDS. In my expert opinion, the 49ers are very poor at the footing of the ball.

Matt Forte – 8 CAR, 47 YDS and 6 REC, 57 YDS, 1 TD. I’m so glad I only half-paid attention to the Bears’ gradual descent into NFC East-level badness. And you know what’s up when I throw down the dreaded “NFC East” label…

Devin Funchess – 2 REC, 30 YDS, 1 TD. Bunchess of Funchess?

Blaine Gabbert – 28/45, 275 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 2 CAR, 10 YDS. Introducing the new San Flowcisco Gabba-Niners!

Tedd Ginn Jr. – 6 REC (14 TGTS), 85 YDS, 2 TD. So Ginn leads the league in passes defended, no? Maybe Ginn should become a defensive back. Then he wouldn’t have to catch it…

Frank Gore – 16 CAR, 44 YDS and 1 REC, 15 YDS. Well, I can see fantasy points won’t be necessary here…

Ronnie Hillman – 14 CAR, 48 YDS. Not content with simply leaving Emmanuel Sanders (10 REC, 181 YDS, 1 TD) open all day, the Steelers’ defense decided to give the Broncos’ running game a try. They’re equal opportunity defenders ya know, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be for poor Ronnie Hillman. That kinda says a lot about Hillman when you think about it.

Joey Iosefa – 14 CAR, 51 YDS. More like Iosefa’cking mad for starting Brandon Bolden, amirite folks?

Rashad Jennings – 16 CAR, 107 YDS, 1 TD. I’m gonna level with you Jennings, I don’t like the Giants chances of winning the division right now, so I’m not sure what you’re doing having a game like this.

Eli Manning – 29/46, 245 YDS, 4 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Well, there goes any chance of Eli getting new Star Wars toys from pop-pop Coughlin this Christmas…

Johnny Manziel – 19/32, 161 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 17 YDS. Might need to rename him “Johnny Effing Fumble”.

Christine Michael – 16 CAR, 84 YDS. Time to go eat pretzels.

CWr07o0U8AIR488

Cam Newton – 25/45, 340 YDS, 5 TD and 8 CAR, 100 YDS. Cam Newton: MVP. No doubt in my mind. Even Jerry Richardson is inclined to give him 3/5’s of his vote.

Brock Osweiler – 19/34, 227, 3 TD, 1 int and 4 CAR, 14 YDS, 1 TD. Tim Tebow was mentioned more times in this game than Peyton Manning was…

Denard Robinson – 14 CAR, 28 YDS and 8 REC, 46 YDS. It doesn’t matter if the Jaguars wants to finish under 10 losses or not. Destiny wants them to.

DD7ZwuX

Ben Roethlisberger – 39/53, 372 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT. Todd Haley giveth, but don’t forget that Todd Haley also taketh. Something like that. Just becareful of Todd Haley is my point.

Tyrod Taylor – 16/27, 235 YDS, 2 TD and 9 CAR, 79 YDS. Tyrod Taylor looked like an actual tie-rod there… underneath Washington’s bus…

Demaryius Thomas – 5 REC, 61 YDS, 2 TD. Pittsburgh’s strategy of tiring Denver out by letting them do whatever they wanted did not exactly work out.

Fozzy Whitaker – 2 CAR, 2 YDS and 2 REC, 14 YDS. What’s a Fozzy Whitaker? A Muppet-like bear? An excellent blues name…. if he played the blues?

Russell Wilson – 21/30, 249 YDS, 3 TD and 5 CAR, 46 YDS. I bet Russell Wilson fills his swimming pool with recovery water. You can’t drown in it. #Nanobubbles.

 

Final Thought

 

 

 

 

  1. Lex says:
    (link)

    Have you heard anything about the Panthers resting players coming up here in week 16?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Lex: I haven’t, but it’ll be interesting to see how they handle it. Personally, I think they’re going for the perfect season, as any team probably would at this stage. Especially against a division rival. That being said, it is the Falcons, so if they start getting blown out, all bets are off.

      • Let us now Praise Famous Death Dwarves says:
        (link)

        @Jay: they also seemed to have learned the lesson that completely resting players makes them not in good game speed for playoffs, i can’t even count the number of teams that looked awful after being completely benched in week 17 once the playoffs started.

  2. MikeY says:
    (link)

    Checking ranks all last week between here, Yahoo, ESPN & Fantasypros.com…I kept seeing Buck Allen ranked anywhere from like 9-13ish. I could not understand that at all. I kept thinking I was crazy because I wanted 0 part of him against KC’s defense.

    But alas, everyone else was and I’m playing in the ‘ship next week.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @MikeY: Yeah, full disclosure, I had him at 17, which was actually pretty low. Though, I didn’t think it was going to be this bad.

  3. Steve Stevenson says:
    (link)

    Traveling somewhere with poor internet, so need to set my waiver claims today. I have the top priority over the other teams left in the playoffs (we go through wk 17–awful).

    My wk 16 RB options (standard scoring, 5 pt bonus at 100 yds, start 2 RB and a Flex) are L. Murray vSD, Forte @TB and Gurley @Sea. If I bench one of them, other Flex options are Reed @Phi, Aiken vPit and Cooks vJax.

    WW options are Michael vStL, Artis-Payne @Atl, Blue vTen, McKinnon vChi and Gillislee vDal. What order are you putting the claims in?

    Also, at QB, who do you like (6 pt pass TD, 5 pt bonus at 300 yds): Stafford vSF, Cousins @Phi, Rivers @Oak or Bridgewater vNYG?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Steve Stevenson: I like Murray and Forte right now. I think Payne could be interesting, probably Payne, then Blue. I like Stafford there.

  4. Scott says:
    (link)

    Epic meltdown for my #1 team in the POs with Shaun Draughn and Danny Amendola leaving the game, goose egg from the Panthers D. Can Stafford net 60 pts tonight? haha

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Scott: Well, he does have the ability to throw five touchdowns. Problem is, there’d probably be 5 interceptions.

  5. Scott says:
    (link)

    Learned an important lesson (re-learned?). It’s not the strength of your D, it’s the impotence of the O they face.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Scott: Ain’t that the truth.

  6. Gonzo_The_Great says:
    (link)

    Man, there’s got to be so many interesting retrospectives to write this year.

    2015- the year almost every WR was replacement level.

    2015 – the year you might as well not used your first round pick

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      Yeah, there’s a lot of topics like those, and we’ll cover some of them in the offseason, certainly.

  7. Michael says:
    (link)

    Hey guys thanks for recommending Javorius Allen over Forte. (According to your shitty rankings) Cost me the playoff win. Fucxxin bums. I’m done with this site.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      My rankings have Forte over Allen by a spot.

      • Michael says:
        (link)

        @Jay:
        No you don’t. Allen is 10 and Forte is 14 ppr. Have a nice day.

        • Michael says:
          (link)

          @Michael:
          I was counting on that money to buy beer. Now wut am
          I gonna do??

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Michael: Ah, I was referring to standard scoring. Best of luck to ya!

    • timmyk93 says:
      (link)

      @Michael: You’re the bum. the ranking are only used for a reference, not as your fantasy bible. The rankings are free and have done right by me. Last time I checked, YOU set your line up. Just looking for someone else to blame your inadequacies on. Good riddance!

    • Let us now Praise Famous Death Dwarves says:
      (link)

      @Michael: wonder if this douchebag is related (or is under different name) that twit that bitched out Jennifer before she quit back in around week 2 or 3. same idiot mindset.

      • Jay

        Jay says:
        (link)

        @Let us now Praise Famous Death Dwarves: Was it the heated exchange on Carlos Hyde being droppable? I didn’t agree with it at the time, but it was a pretty legit call and the grief that was given seemed unusually large.

        That isn’t the reason she quit though, just got a new job so she’ll probably be back next season. She has a thick skin, so I doubt she was ever effected.

  8. Side dish says:
    (link)

    Going for the championship in a 12 team, 4 keeper, 1/2 point ppr league . I have some questions about pickups and how to prioritize them ….

    My team :
    Qb – Wilson
    Rbs – Lacy. Gore
    Wrs – Evans, a. Brown
    Te – Heath Miller , eifert (? If he plays )
    K – santos
    D – New England
    Bench – Matt jones, bolden, Maclin, Randall Cobb , Drew Bree’s,

    He has :
    Te – Enron
    Wr – Jeffrey, Julio, Edelman

    Trying to play defense with priorities as he might be looking for a wr or te

    Available free agents are :
    Rbs – k. Williams, sproles, c. Michael , Vereen , artis-Payne, Donald brown
    Te – ertz, tye, witten
    Wr – ginn, Aiken
    Defense – Denver

    who would you drop and what picks would you prioritize for the wire ? I am ok with dropping my kicker too if you think it’s better to block one of the free agents from my opponent and just pick up a kicker before Sunday

    Thanks for the help !

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Side dish: I’d probably pick up try to pick up Aiken for Jones… but maybe not. I don’t think your comp is going to be looking to upgrade over those names, so I might just stand pat.

  9. I got $100 for groceries, $1400 for liquor, and $6,000 for you to bail a couple of shit puppets out of jail says:
    (link)

    damn CAR coaches str up trolled us saying fozzy would start over artispayne. i even HAD added payne early in last week only to reverse course to fozzy midweek only due to that lying garbage. so for waiver adds michael or artis payne first?

  10. Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
    (link)

    super flex dynasty 14 teamer where scrimmage yards caught or ran are devalued even more than thrown, even to the point of Foles per game stats being top 35 overall player. any starting QB is better by too much. start 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 regular flex. team is playing for nothing this week.
    palmer/hoyer/keenum/foles
    woodhead/gurley/denard/coleman/ellington/hyde (IR)
    dez/green/m.jones/adams/cooks
    julius thomas/walker
    DEN kicker
    MIN DEF
    keep all of my RB’s over artis payne/turbin/michael. Michael was finally used but Rawls will for sure be back next year. Stewart might not be so locked in stone, nor certainly will DMC at DAL.

    • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
      (link)

      @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: similar question but for 12 team dynasty PPR.
      2. r.mathews or attempt to grab one of michael/hillman(?)/artis. playing for nothing and have no more bid money, so def won’t get michael. or could drop one of agholor/inman (WR’s 5 and 6).
      2 QB with this lineup
      rodgers/tyrod/osweiler/keenum
      forte/ivory/woodhead/mathews/forsett (IR)/ingram (IR)
      jordy (IR)/allen (IR)/ edelman/inman/d-jax/agholor
      ertz/julius thomas

      • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
        (link)

        @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: just noticed stewart got a big contract pre-2015, which seems kinda late giving a guy his age (not as old as i thought)/injury history (likely making him older than he is), but not a crazy amount guaranteed of course, gotta love that blow-on-it-watch-it-fall-down NFLPA standing power.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
          (link)

          @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: It’s a tired cliche, but he actually did transform himself physically for this season, dropping a whole bunch of weight. Can’t say it’s the only reason, but I could see him being a second tier RB for a few more seasons.

      • Jay

        Jay says:
        (link)

        @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: I think Mathews is a safe bench add, but Payne is a nice upside play. So is Agholor.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
      (link)

      @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: I could see Ellington for Payne or Michael, but his upside is still around… just a bit tempered at this point.

      • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
        (link)

        @Jay: in #1 i was trying to figure out which of my guys could be weakest for next year when compared to the two likely backups (at best) in michael/artis. Wasn’t sure which of coleman/ellington/denard was weakest for next year. in #2 i ended up dropping agholor for artis, only since i have to drop 2 people predraft next year anyway (got jordy/allen in IR slots), 3 or more if i want to draft anybody new, and i’ll have 4th overall next year (consolation winner gets 1st overall, then from reverse standings afterwards for season record, i’m 3rd worst in season and lost already in consolation). So the 3 i’ll drop 1 would be a WR anyway (inman or agholor), if keenum doesn’t start as starter next year he’ll be one of them for sure, and could obviously drop the kicker. if artis appears as clear backup could drop him too of course. With that lineup i likely grab a RB or QB (if he’s likely to start) at #4 overall, since my top 4 WR are pretty sick with Jordy/Allen/Edelman/D-Jax .

        • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
          (link)

          @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: however, would inman or agholor be the better keep, i could get agholor back over inman, this would hurt me this week, but i don’t care about this week.

          • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
            (link)

            @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: sorry, fix that, i dropped agholor for hillman in #2. (grabbed artis in other leagues and got them mixed) you don’t agree he’s more likely to have starter possible value next year? could still almost certainly get agholor back over inman.

            • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
              (link)

              @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: forgot about r.matthews and how highly he ranked at some sort of WR stats based place, i went him over inman. So I now have him and Hillman over Inman/Agholor.

Comments are closed.