Handcuff Report, Week 12: A Salute To Ahmad Bradshaw

With the fantasy football gods feasting on the blood, bones, and ligaments of running backs almost weekly, how did Ahmad Bradshaw make it this long? Bradshaw is so injury prone, Jordan Reed pities the Colts rusher. It seems like just when you begin to trust Bradshaw, he always gets hurt. Well, at least we had several weeks this season where he was trusted and startable. We should be thankful for that. I wonder at this point if we’ve seen the last of him. He’s 29 and seems to have broken nearly every bone in his body in the past three seasons. Too bad, I always felt he had one of the better skill sets when it came to being an effective rusher and receiver. Ahmad Bradshaw, we here at the Handcuff Report salute you for your many years of service as a handcuff. Stay fuzzy sweet prince…

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Smokey Says, Week 12: Salute Your Shorts

by: Smokey

Some of you may remember the show from the 90’s about Camp Anawanna. The few of you that don’t know it, or are too young to know it, please note that we are no longer friends of the pen pal variety. It was a dumb show, but it fits here, so grab a seat, some Bugles, and give me six minutes of unadulterated non-porn time. So this week’s under-looked startable option is Cecil Shorts III. The third thing throws me off every time I say it. I associate him to Thurston Howell when I would rather be thinking of Ginger. Okay, I need a moment to find my pants, talk amongst yourselves. The topic? The Department of the Interior. (It focuses on the outdoors.) Discuss. Cecil and the rest of the Jaguars face off against the Colts this week in Indy. Stick around for the reasoning behind my madness and maybe a few new jokes that you may be able to share around the water cooler.

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RAIDAHS Preserve the Sacred 2008 Lions Record

November 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 43 Comments

by: Jay

To totally honest with you folks, I really didn’t want to watch this game. From time-to-time, this happens. Mainly it’s whenever the Buccaneers, Jaguars, Washington’s Football Team… and the Raiders are involved. And the latter? Well, I don’t really have a choice in the matter. You see, if you hadn’t heard, I’m quite the Chargers fan, and I’m already forced to watch the Raiders twice a year, as if that wasn’t suffering enough. Why would I expose myself to more of this so-called “suffering”? There’s already enough suffering in the world. But I sh*t you not, the Raiders were part of the best Thursday Night Football game this year… And to think, I thought the only highlight last night was going to be seeing Andy Reid waddle around in his full red walrus gear. I just want to say this before we get to the recap… for the entire week, if you live in the immediate Oakland and Alameda County area, my advice to you is to stay indoors and lock your doors. In celebration, Raiders fans will be tipping over cars, burning anything that’s flammable, climbing on anything more than 10 feet high… pretty much duplicating a riot-like atmosphere. I mean, yeah, you’re right, they were going to do that even if they lost, or, you know, here and there during the boring parts of the offseason, or, probably whenever they felt like it, but this is their first win of the year… THIS HAS MEANING!

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Disgraces and Delights, Week 12: Why Does Colin Kaepernick Suck?

November 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 43 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings!! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to praise those players who went above and beyond in pleasing their fantasy owners. It’s also a place where I purge my detestation of the players who either blew plush match-ups or were just outright dreadful. And there’s something that’s been vexing me as of late. Something more troubling than Nicolas Cage’s career choices, something more perplexing than Jim Carrey and Mike Myers’s epic fall offs, something even more disturbing than my and Sky’s combined porn collections. That something, you ask? Colin Kaepernick. After the Niners made the Super Bowl in Kaepernick’s first year on the job, I envisioned greatness; a taller, stronger Michael Vick. Instead, we’re getting a Joe Webb clone (no offense to Joe Webb. I love that guy. But still…). Except Webb would more than likely have at least ONE rushing TD on the season. Seriously, I haven’t seen a regression like this since Steven Segal after he dropped the classic Under Siege on us, following it with a bunch of DVD’s that I now use as beer coasters. [Jay’s Note: You shut your mouth about Glimmer Man. That movie is a classic.]

The Niners have been a bit banged up on the offensive line, but no more than any other teams in the NFL, so I’m not allowing that as an excuse. The front office has brought in a multitude of new weapons including Stevie Johnson, Carlos Hyde, and Bruce Ellington. I won’t even mention the name of the bum tight end they drafted in the 2nd round last year, but still another offensive weapon nonetheless. When you add Crabtree, Boldin, and Vernon Davis to the mix, we should be talking about one of the, if not the best arsenals in all of football. Instead, Kaepernick has put up the worst QBR of his career and the offense simply isn’t functioning. Over the past two seasons, San Fran has one of the most pathetic red zone offenses I’ve ever witnessed. Much of this has to do with the gross play calling of offensive coordinator Greg Roman. Either Roman needs to go, or Kaepernick needs to go, for this is getting out of hand. I thought Kaepernick was selected by the Elder Gods to take over the NFL. I used to believe he was superior to Russell Wilson. Now I wouldn’t take him over Tyler Wilson.

This is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Streamers, Week 12: Homeboyer

November 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 9 Comments

by: Nico

We’re going to have an abbreviated streamer post this week. Sorry guys and 4 gals, but it does mean fewer boring stats! Last week, we took some gambles in the Streamer Department that paid off, and some that did not… but hey, sometimes ya gotta crack a couple of eggs to make an omelette, amiright? I thought this was going to be a shortened post? Me too… Ready, Set, Stream!

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IDP Rankings, Week 12: The Stunt Double Series

November 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, IDP Report | 25 Comments

by: J-FOH

What’s up all you IDP junkies? It’s J to the F-O-H here to cover Kevin while he is off in Argentina working on Kevin Jr.. I imagine him munching on a steak with some chimi-churri and sipping on some Quilmes. I will not be doing the rankings, that’s his thing (which will still be updated and found below), but I will be covering the RazzDP’s in lieu of his usual player highlights and buys. I have a confession, I am not as deeply knowledgeable as Kevin in this format, but I have been playing IDP leagues for about six years now. Now don’t get me wrong, I have strong IDP knowledge, just not as vast and kick-ass as Kevin. Strangely the RazzDP’s are only my second venture into standard scoring, for I always customize my leagues for more dynamic numbers and higher rewards. I prefer more love for quality defensive performances. But that’s another article where I lay out my preferred scoring for IDP players. Damn stupid tangent… or is that agenda? Please feel free to share any opinions about what kind of scoring you like. Or any other opinion about anything… as long as it’s clean.

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Rankings, Week 12

November 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 81 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.80% (24th out of 129 Experts, 60.00% Highest, 48.80% Lowest).

Week 11 Results: 52.10% (64th out of 130 Experts, 67.60% Highest, 42.60% Lowest).

	Accuracy	Rank	Experts	Highest	Lowest	Score +/-	Rank +/-
Week 1	61.80%	22	134	66.10%	48.20%
Week 2	54.00%	35	135	61.30%	42.10%	-7.80%	-13
Week 3	57.40%	88	128	67.10%	44.30%	3.40%	-53
Week 4	56.50%	48	128	61.10%	42.80%	-0.90%	40
Week 5	56.50%	70	131	69.40%	47.00%	0.00%	-22
Week 6	56.30%	27	133	63.10%	41.50%	-0.20%	43
Week 7	59.70%	33	132	64.30%	46.50%	3.40%	-6
Week 8	56.30%	67	130	64.80%	45.20%	-3.40%	-34
Week 9	60.30%	23	131	66.00%	46.10%	4.00%	44
Week 10	57.80%	68	130	66.90%	48.40%	-2.50%	-45
Week 11	52.10%	64	131	67.60%	42.60%	-5.70%	4
Totals	57.80%	24	129	60.00%	48.80%

And now, your Week 12 Rankings…

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Battle Flex, Week 12: Can’t Keep Runnin’ Back Away

November 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 39 Comments

by: J-FOH

I must admit on some occasions I went out like a punk
and a chump or a sucka or something to that effect

The Pharcyde, Runnin’ circa 1995

I got punked (World Star is NSFW) by Drew Stanton last week as he pushed aside my doubts and gave Michael Floyd and John Brown the gift of points while Aaron Rodgers is making Davante Adams owners double heckle him for his malfeasance. Marques Colston still sucks going 4 for 56 on 8 targets, and backing up my drop him for someone with upside or handcuff capabilities. OK, enough about last week. It hurts too much. I lost to Sky in our writers league by a count of 137 to 141.34. With that score, I would of beat any other team but his. On a good note, I wouldn’t want to lose to any one else, and yes, that’s me crushing on that hairy beast from the PNW.

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Who Are These Guys, Week 12: Colors

November 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 30 Comments

by: malamoney

Robert Selden Duvall has had a role in countless films that have helped me enjoyingly pass the time over the last 30-something years. Most will remember him for his role as Tom Hagen in The Godfather and The Godfather II, but few will know that he actually won the Oscar for Best Actor playing country western singer Mac Sledge in Tender Mercies in 1983. Heck, I’ve never even heard of that movie. When it comes to good old Bobby Duvall, I am more of a Days of Thunder kind of guy. “You can drive through it Cole!” Damn, that’s a great flick. It’s like Top Gun with race cars. But it’s not the movie I’d like to mention today. In 1988, Duvall and Sean Penn teamed up to play cops in the C.R.A.S.H unit that patrols East L.A.. Duvall, as Bob “Uncle Bob” Hudges, a 19-year LAPD veteran, is partnered with rookie Danny “Pacman” McGavin as the two work to keep the peace in East L.A. by trying to keep the street gangs in line. The film tells us the tale of these two police officers and their approach to dealing the Bloods and the Crips.

Colors was an outstanding movie, but it is not the reason this post is entitled “Colors”. That reason would be thanks to Jonas “Gray” and Alfred “Blue”, whose colorful names lead a cast of relatively unknowns, or I should say “unowneds”, to come together as a team that combined for 191.04 points and would have easily beaten any other lineup in Yahoo! half point head-to-head leagues.

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DraftKings: Out Of the Orton-ary

November 19, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, DraftKings | 99 Comments

by: Sky

Follow me, if you will, into the minds of the casual DraftKings player. Casual player sees Kyle Orton and how badly he played on Thursday Night Football. Casual player is disgusted by this. Casual player is even more disgusted by Kyle’s neck beard. Casual player is never playing Orton in any fantasy situation, ever. Well, sorry casuals but that’s how you lose: by saying never. That’s the great thing about this here game we play. It’s daily, not seasonal. You don’t have to own Kyle the entire year, you just have to own him for the right matchup and when the price is right, you’re even better off. Now I’m gonna discuss a bit of strategy. It’s a general way of processing or viewing your salaries over there on the DK. Take those salaries and divide them by 1,000. That should give you some kind of decimal point. For Kyle this week because he’s $5,400, that number would be 5.6. Now take that decimal number and multiply it by 5. For Orton, that gives you (5.6*5=) 28. Casual players don’t do this which is why casual players let a start at home against an opponent who’ve given up the most fantasy points per game to opposing QBs on the year slide by. To date, the Jets have given up 25 passing touchdowns to only 3 INT. Oh and the last time Orton faced them? He collected 4 of those TDs and zero of those INT, finishing with 26.12 DK points. Now I’m not making the promise he’ll do that again but here’s a little dirty DK secret. Those top tier QBs? Yeah, they’re priced about 9K most weeks. So for example, Aaron Rodgers is 9,900 this week. That’s nice. So for him to really reach a good value for you in a tourney, you either need (9.9*5=) 49.5 points from him – his highest point output this year is 39.6 – or you need to find values around him at much lower price tags that will go off. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s hard to do. It’s much simpler to aim for a lower priced QB with a good matchup most weeks. It’s just too hard to find that blend and be that handicapped at the skill positions most weeks to warrant such a thing. I know, I know, none of this says Orton’s any good but was Austin Davis when he threw for 375 against the Eagles? Yeah, not so much. If given the opportunity to pay down at QB, most weeks follow Nike’s mantra and just do it. All this to say, if you can’t tell, I’m strictly calling Orton a GPP only play this week. Heck, he could get pulled at halftime after the kiss of death vote of confidence on Monday. But it’s hard to imagine that happening so I’ll be rolling with him plenty. But enough about neck beards, let’s get on with this. Here are my red hot takes for the week 12 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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Waiver Wired, Week 12: His Name is Jonas

November 18, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Waiver Wire | 32 Comments

by: Andrew Nordmeier

If you didn’t know the name Jonas Gray before 8pm Eastern Sunday night, nobody would blame you. If you forget his name when you’re putting in your waiver claims for the week, you’ll never forget it. Gray went off in huge fashion this past week with 199 yards and four rushing touchdowns against the Colts. It took him from fantasy afterthought to fantasy pick-up of the week status, and he certainly is that for us. Gray has managed to supplant Shane Vereen as the top man in the New England backfield and should be getting the majority of the work going forward.

You’ll have to put up with a tough week this week, as Gray and the Patriots take on a stiff Detroit defense. The defense held Arizona running back Andre Ellington to less than 50 rushing yards last week. After Week 12, Gray’s schedule turns much easier with games at Green Bay, at San Diego, Miami, at the Jets, and Buffalo to close out the season. (Keep in mind we put the full 17-game schedule out there when we talk about remaining games, since some leagues go the full distance.) Excluding the Dolphins, you’re looking at four of the top-12 rush defenses in the NFL for Gray. The match-ups are going to be tough, so you could pick him up now, let him go off against Green Bay, and try for a late sell-high deal depending on your league’s trade deadline. (Yes, most deadlines will pass in the near future but it’s still worth mentioning.) These games should be winnable for New England so Gray should get carries to keep the clock and the chains moving. Eventually, he will find the end zone, but don’t expect anything close to his output against Indianapolis.

This is also the final week of byes with Carolina and Pittsburgh sitting out this week. This is key for one reason. It’s time to get rid of the guys on your team who are non-producers and/or have poor match-ups the rest of the way. This is the time of year when you want your decisions on who to start to be incredibly tough since you have to pick from talent, talent or talent.

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Hit it or Quit it, Week 12: Fifty Shades of Gray

November 18, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 41 Comments

by: Jennifer

Welcome back my lovelies! It seems the Fantasy Gods continue to smile on yours truly, as I pulled out a 5-1 record this week again. Yes, winning feels good, especially when you basically have a team held together with duct tape and the leaflets from the floor of a porno theater. But alas, for many of you, my “Black Widow” curse feasted upon quite a bit of your RB1s, WR1s, and everything in between this week. Hey, I warned you, my lust for man souls has become insatiable. Sure, I also lost Hillman, Thomas, and Sanders in the process, but it seems this has allowed some rookie fresh meat to step into those shoes. Mmmm, there’s nothing like a fresh, young rookie-meat to get my blood flowing, even if it costs me and I have to scramble to fill that slot. So, as the title to this week’s article suggests, and as you may already know, I am a glutton for punishment. And yes, some punishments can be oh so enjoyable. So, gather up those hooptie lineups, grab some lotion and a box of tissues (ladies, stock up on batteries for your B.O.B.) and follow me down the path of depravity to this week’s Hit it or Quit it.

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