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Excuse me, everybody, I’m a bit tired from spending the last week pitching the Razzbowl to the Shark Tank investors. See, I thought we had such a good program here — the best ball, the FAAB, the community — that we could turn this [waves hands around frantically] from the world’s biggest free Pros-V-Joes best ball tournament into a lucrative side-business. Then, Mark Cuban started talking about some team he owns, and I started talking about how I drafted Joe Mixon and Leonard Fournette, and then he started saying something about inexperience and over-my-head, and then I took my prop football and I threw it right over his head. Turns out, if you attack a billionaire, there’s a group of people who start following you, but not in a Korean boy-band kind of way. 

So while I write this from the rest stop in eastern Kentucky eluding the finest private security vans that Cuban could hire, I trust that y’all will learn from my mistakes and do a Kickstarter in the future. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s the age old question. Pondered by all the great philosophers for millennia. Debated by all great leaders and all feared dictators since the beginning of time. Beard or mustache? Abe Lincoln or Tom Selleck? Grizzly Adams or Groucho Marx? Gandalf or Ron Swanson? Merlin or Ron Burgundy? This enigmatic dispute has built for ages with no sign of a clear answer. That is, until Thursday night’s legendary culmination of Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew: a Beard vs. Mustache rumpus to rule them all. And it was nothing but beard in this one as Ryan Fitzpatrick flashed his facial prowess at a clip of 18/20 for 160 yards, 7 carries for 38 yards and 2 passing touchdowns—he now has 4 touchdowns on the season. The virtual fan chants for Tua and his baby face goatee will have to wait another week.  Many will question whether this was a valid win for the beard crowd, citing the illegal use of Fitzmagic in this contest—and rightfully so. Unfortunately, we may never have a definitive answer to the greatest question in the history of mankind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 2 was brutal for a lot of fantasy managers with the injury bug biting some of the biggest names in football. In addition to Michael Thomas already being out, we saw Saquan Barkley lost for the season and Christian McCaffrey sent to the IR with an ankle injury. There’s no replacing players of this magnitude, but if you drafted well, you have guys who can move up your fantasy depth chart and into those starting positions. More than ever now, if you’re dealing with injuries and moving former flex players into starting roles, it is going to be important to find productive players to put in your flex spots.

As you know, every Thursday here on Razzball, I will be posting the weeks “Sexy Flexies” to give you a couple of players to consider starting in your flex spot. The objective isn’t to point out the obvious guys you’re starting in your RB or WR slots, but to take a look at a couple of players who are a bit more under the radar. These will likely be guys that you won’t start every week but will be good rotational pieces in the flex spot of your lineup based on matchup and opportunity.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Miami Dolphins (+3) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Forecast: Dolphins at Jaguars, Fitzmagic at Minshew Magic, beard at moustache, it doesn’t get much better than this folks! Obviously this game will be all about Uncle Rico Minshew. His swag will cast a shadow so big on Thursday night that no other player will even be seen other than maybe Saucy Boi Preston Williams—who happens to be my favorite buy-low wide receiver target following weeks 1 and 2. But back to Minshew Mania: the Jock Strap King will arrive at the stadium 10 minutes before game time wearing nothing but a leopard print jock. Without any stretching or warm up throws, the mustachio’d one with lead the Jaguars on a 69 yard touchdown drive on the opening series. It’ll be all mustache from there except for a series he’ll take off after halftime while recording a track for his new album—see below. So jump on that sweet stache and ride it all the way to a Thursday night victory!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Your WR top 80 4.0 is here! Now we have some real live NFL data to help make adjustments. Some players were removed due to injury or ineffectiveness, and some new faces have forced their way onto the scene.

This list is not league or format specific, but it is based on 2020 projection only. When thinking through tiers and rankings I asked myself simply – “all things considered who would I rather have on my roster?”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What’s the difference between Jon Gruden in September and an overripe California-grown tomato? The tomato doesn’t have to put up with Mark Davis for the next seven years, who, coincidentally (or not?), also looks like an overripe tomato — except Davis does for all 12 months of the year. For Gruden, it’s just about a two-month sweet spot, and who can blame him for wanting to get his bronze on to complete that irresistible visor look? From the TV, he looks like he’s yap-yap-yapping from the first whistle to the last, the same way Pete Carroll is chomping at the bit from the moment he comes out of the tunnel.

Both Carroll and Gruden have attractive fantasy running backs at their disposal as they prepare week after week in the form of Chris Carson and Josh Jacobs. They also appear to be staring at pretty hefty fines from the league office after looking somewhat lax with their mask usage during gameplay on Sunday and Monday. No matter how you spin it, the NFL was hit with a plethora of unfortunate story lines in Week 2, with stars on both sides of the ball doing down with seemingly every ailment underneath the moon. That makes my job entering Week 3 of the season as difficult as it’s going to get (*knock on wood, although Gruden’s mid-section as of late Monday night would suffice*), so let’s fast-forward through the pleasantries and get to the ever-controversial top 60 ROS running back rankings. First, let’s take a quick trip around the league via some player news and updates.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

After the week two Bloody Sunday Massacre, I knew it would be tough watching Monday Night Football this week. Anytime my man Darren Waller touched the ball I flinched in anticipation of another torn ACL or high ankle sprain. My standing Tuesday morning appointment with my fantasy football therapist, where I usually just complain about how unlucky I got in the past week’s matchups, will now be used to work thru this post traumatic fantasy stress syndrome. Fortunately, Darren Waller is one player I won’t need to cry about during that session as he destroyed the Saints’ defense with 12 catches for 103 yards and his 1st touchdown—let’s just hope he didn’t injure his back while carrying the Raiders offense. I ranked Big Sexy Waller as my #3 tight end and #36 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings so I’m looking pretty smart, as long as you ignore where I ranked Kerryon Johnson and a bunch of other players. Also, don’t ask why I’m required to wear a helmet around my house. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We take a half time break from Monday Night Football as B_Don and Donkey Teeth are joined by the great Rudy Gamble to talk about the fantasy hangover that was week 2. We start with the elite RBs that went down in Saquon Barkley and Christian McCaffrey. We discuss their replacements and how much fantasy value we expect them to provide. 

We walk through the Chargers week 2 situation between Joshua Kelley taking carries and Justin Herbert getting the start. The Broncos offense could look different with a backup QB and sans Courtland Sutton. Rudy has some thoughts on how the offenses may vary if it’s Herbert or Tyrod starting in the coming weeks. 

We wrap up the show with some waiver wire adds for each position that we like for your week 3 help. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?