SNF, Week 4: Saints vs. Cowboys

While I’m sure a lot of quarterbacks can claim to be quite good against the Cowboys during the regular season (because they don’t go to the postseason… ICE BURN), Drew Brees most certainly can be included on that list. Despite the Saints being known more for being a “home” team, the Brees led Saints have gone 3-0 in Jerry Jones’ own personal Hasbro G.I. Joe Fully Armed Command Station Headquarters, that incidentally also has a capacity of 190,000 and football field in the middle of it. But not too worry, because with Jason Garrett and Tony Romo at the helm, LOL, yeah, I can’t even finish that sentence.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Week 4 Late Games: 49(ers) Survivor Tips

by: Jay

It’s still too early to declare any team having a zero-to-little chance of going to the playoffs. Well, except for Jacksonville. And Oakland. And probably the Vikings. And the Titans as well. Oh, Washington too. And, yeah, we should add the Bucs to that list. Okay, so yeah, it’s not that early to declare some teams anti-January, but there are certainly some teams that could be added to the list after today. The 49ers are one of them, as the Eagles come to town with Nick Foles and his 58 broken ribs and an offensive line that has a 4% attendance rate at this point. The game should be interesting, as the 49ers have lost in spectacularly mysterious fashion the last two weeks and Chip Kelly is just so damn innovative.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 4 Early Games: There Will Be Blood

September 28, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 115 Comments

by: Jay

“I want to make sure that whatever team I go to, they’re going to get the best, in-shape 35-year-old guy they can get. If that happens to run through Bank of America Stadium, put your goggles on cause there’s going to be blood and guts everywhere.” — Steve Smith, Charlotte radio station WFNZ-AM.

Soooo, that was graphic. And as if someone in the NFL head office was listening to him, even without the benefit of it being on video tape, it appears we’ll get to see Steve Smith’s best Duke Nukem impersonation this Sunday, as the scheduling gods have sent the Carolina Panthers to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor (the shining two-by-two square mile gem of the area, or what I call the “safe-zone”. Haha, just kidding, it’s not that safe) to do mortal football combat with Smith and the rest of the Ravens. And probably Joe Flacco’s elite eyebrows. Those things have a license to kill. And, you know, check down.

Week 4 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 4, Giants vs. Washington Football Team

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 62 Comments

by: Jay

Can’t get more exciting than this folks. The battle for last place in the NFC East is up for grabs tonight, and I for one will be watching this game with bated breath, much like how I watch porn. Playing in a short week, Washington will be coming in with some personnel issues from a very physical game against the Eagles last Sunday. DeAngelo Hall has a ruptured left Achilles (which might actually improve the secondary), Brian Orakpo and Jason Hatcher are both out, along with Shawn Lauvao and Duke Ihenacho. If I were him, I would just retire, as being the Duke of Nachos seems to be one of the worthiest of life pursuits. The Giants come in a bit healthier, but that’s not saying much, seeing as they were only able to put a semi-complete game together against the hapless Texans. And I’m being friendly when I say semi. Regardless, when two teams in the NFC East get together to see who can derp the most, I usually assume it involves the Cowboys, but this match-up will do just fine.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 3: Bears vs. Jets

September 22, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 15 Comments

by: Jay

Uhhhhh… are you pointing at me? That look feels like sexual assault…

The tale of how these teams fared last week couldn’t be more opposite than actual Jets and actual Bears. Missiles and salmon bro… totally different. Trailing by 17 before the half, the Chicago Bears rallied on the road in the 49ers home opener, probably causing at least three stabbings in the parking lot. On the flip side, the Jets led the hapless 2014 Packers 21-3 before the half, before they proceeded to do the Jetsiest thing imaginable and lose 31-24. The cherry on top was a 37-yard touchdown that would have brought them within one point with five minutes to go, but was negated by a Jets timeout. Mmmmm, so Jetsy. Will we get a combination of both dramatics and derpiness for tonight’s Monday Night Football game? With Jay Cutler and Geno Smith, anything is possible folks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 3: Steelers vs. Panthers

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 24 Comments

by: Jay

I honestly can’t tell you why the Steelers are getting the Sunday Night Football treatment, it’s like this is 2008 or something, especially on a day where there was a rematch of 48 (XXLLVXLIIIX32jlsg84dfg as the Romans called it). But we get to see Big Ben HARF HARF HARF his way through a game against Cam Netwon and his wonder ribs. Which makes me hungry for ribs. Much was said in the preseason about how Cam Newton’s receiver core was a downgrade. I believed the talk a little bit, seeing as how he didn’t have an eligible receiver join the team up until a few months ago. All kidding aside, I wouldn’t say that the receiver corps has downgraded too much, and Greg Olsen is still there to make my projections pee a little, so really, I would call Carolina an average to an above average NFL football team. Which means the Steelers should only lose by, like, four touchdowns…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 3 Late Games: Super Bowl Rematch? I Had No Idea.

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 4 Comments

by: Jay

If you’ve been able to survive the narrative process for this game, which started back when 2014 NFL Schedule was released, we’ve finally made it. The rematch of all rematches from a Super Bowl game that was pretty boring (especially if you’re from Portland). To be honest, I can’t really remember anything after the Broncos snapped safety. That being said, there was plenty of Broncos derp and Manningface (which evolved into Manningsulk) to last a lifetime, so for another chance at something similar… sure, I’ll watch.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 3 Early Games: Remember That One Time When Everyone Was Injured?

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 125 Comments

by: Jay

“When was that?”

Well, you should remember, as it was only last week where 97% of the all ACL’s in the NFL collectively exploded. I’m no doctor, so I had no idea that modern medicine was able to take an athlete, who was expected to be out 5-8 weeks, to practicing a few days after his injury, and might actually be playing in today’s game. I’m obviously talking about Jamaal Charles, but he’s not the only one who was affected by this dark wizardry insta-heal. In fact, the only player that seems to have been left out from this wonderful era in medicine appears to be Ryan Mathews.

F*ck me, right?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 3: Buccaneers vs. Falcons

September 18, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 45 Comments

by: Jay

Please?

Imagine an alley my friends. And in that alley, imagine a dumpster. And, if you can, imagine a fire in that dumpster. Some would call it a “dumpster fire”. Good for them, because it’s a good name for it. I also have a good name. I call it “Falcons Defense”. After giving up the most yards in the NFL this season, and the only team not to register a sack, I think a new strategy needs to implemented. Just let the Buccaneers score so you can get the ball back quicker. I’m not sure you’ll win, but I’ll at least be very entertained. And as the scores would probably end up in the quadruple digits, I’ll probably be very turned on as well. Hey baby, what’s your name, what’s yo– holy sh*t, that’s like 28 touchdowns. MARRY ME.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 2: Eagles vs. Colts

September 15, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 22 Comments

by: Jay

Well, based on what happened yesterday, I’m surprised the NFL was able to field two teams with no replacement players. Tonight’s match-up features a not-as-good-as-last-year-but-still-should-be-pretty-good Nick Foles leading the Eagles into the two block by two block city known as Indianapolis. Going for a 2-0 start would be ideal, but with the Giants being the Giants, the Cowboys being the Cowboys, and RG-3 being RG-3, they really don’t have to try too hard this season. 7-9 seems like a reasonable play-off record in this division. On the flip side, we’ll get to see Trent Richardson try and run with the football further than my dead grandmother could have. This proposition seems 50-50 right now. Oh, and seeing as how I was telling everyone to buy on Ahmad Bradshaw and Dwayne Allen, it would be nice if they put up a combined 809 fantasy points tonight to erase the memory that I ever touted Ryan Mathews. It’s not Sunday folks, but let’s drink anyways…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 2: Bears vs. 49ers

September 14, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 45 Comments

by: Jay

I AM SEVENMAN!

Well, most of these games today were terrible, or required triage as the week 2 early morning games were brought to you by the NFL Kickers Union and Obamacare. I knew I should have gone to the bar instead of watching multiple games at home… but I’m not putting on pants now, so here I am as the second week of Sunday Night Football brings us the Bears and 49ers. While it’s still a game-time decision, as I let you know this morning, it appears that Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery may not play tonight. Which I guess means that it’s going to be Forte all Forte long. Whatever that means.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 2 Late Games: Chargers 12th Man Too Busy Surfing

September 14, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 31 Comments

by: Jay

True nightmare fuel.

Who are these “Chargers” you speak of? Are we talking about my phone charger? Yeah, you’re right, such faux bewilderment by me is totally unbecoming of a true Charges fan. All 12 of us. But here we are, probably the biggest test of the young season, and… brah, check out those waves. Laters. Meanwhile, Pete Carroll is too busy helming the Northwest Death Star and poisoning San Francisco’s water supply to know what a Charger is or what it does. In fact, there are going to be more Chargers fans in Portland this Sunday than San Diego. And while you could accuse me of being a bit bias with the lede, I simply refuse to talk about a Houston-Oakland match-up. And no, the Rams and Cardinals seems equally as boring. And while I would have liked to have highlighted the Jets-Packers game, I’m pretty sure I would be forced to pay royalties to State Farm for doing so. Unabashed Chargers homerism it is!

Please, blog, may I have some more?