Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. I’d like to thank Sky for covering my slot last week, as, if you didn’t hear, was because my birthday weekend finally arrived after a year-long wait. Sky seemed to understand that a three-day alcohol binge was not the best precursor to write a Sunday Night Football recap… Naw, I’m just messing with you, he didn’t mention that at all. He was actually wondering why that weekend would be any different then my normal routine. Well played sir, well played. The difference? More crying. Goodbye age-30, my self-labeled peak. Hello early 30’s. So, football… hey, wait a second… are you kidding me? Peyton Manning returned to Indy last night? No one told me! Way to downplay a narrative sports media! Let us go over this premier horse game. Hey, John Elway, why the long face? HAR HAR.
the drinking game I played
Drink one sip of beer…
…every time Cris Collinsworth fellated a lineman.
…whenever a Peyton Manning pass to Wes Welker ended in a drop OR no YAC.
…whevever Eric Decker tried to get a PI call via a tantrum.
…every time there was a Peyton Manning and Colts reference. This one pretty much set me up for the whole night.
Take one shot of Jägermeister…
…whenever they showed John Elway neighing in the booth.
…every time I thought Andrew Luck had a blue orange peel in his mouth, then remembered he uses an obnoxiously huge mouth guard. This one was clever, as I could technically take a shot every time there was a Luck shot. Freedom baby.
score and a quick summary of the game
Frankly, the hype was not warranted for about 85% of my viewing time. But, I have to admit, this turned into a football game so gradually I didn’t even notice. When the game got suddenly watchable, I already had the drunk sweats and Indy fan’s thought they were witnessing a scripted Peyton Manning comeback. And trust me, those fan’s had been eating Steak ‘n Shake all weekend, the last thing we wanted was for them to poop their pants. But alas, a wonderful Ronnie Hillman fumble allowed the Colts to come away with the win. While the price of this victory may ultimately be too high, in that, Jim Irsay and his 9.3 BAC is happy, at the same time, we can take solace in the fact that John Elway and Pey-Pey now has the sads. I guess you could say life is a game of give and take. MOTHA EFFING DEEP BRAH.
DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS
– Not a remotely effable broad in that Indy crowd.
– Serving sizes at Lucas Oil Stadium: Gargantuan, Colossal, Mammoth, and Super Mammoth.
– Chuck Pagano had leukemia? ESPN never covered that story because they were too busy covering hockey!
– Excited as the Indy crowd has been, you’d think it’s half-price night at the Golden Corral.
– There is a disturbing lack of pink on the field during this game. How will women know to regularly check themselves for breast cancer?
– It is no coincidence that Lucas Oil Stadium looks like a barn.
– Who is the audience for The Voice?
– Hey, remember when Jim Caldwell was the coach of the Colts? That was hilarious.
world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs
Andrew Luck — 21/38, 228 YDS, 3 TD, 0 INT and 4 CAR, 29 YDS, 1 TD. Do you think they draw plays on cave walls so Luck can understand them better? On every scramble, do you think Luck just remembers what it was like to run away from hungry saber tooth tigers? I think so. Because he looks like a Hodor caveman, complete with neckbeard. Shhh, Encino Man had to learn the same lessons. Regardless, he certainly earned that extra piece of mammoth at dinner for this game.
Peyton Manning — 29/49, 386 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, -1 YDS. I wonder when Manning is going to get corporate sponsors for individual TDs. Also, his forehead pink spot makes me wonder if he sleeps with his helmet on. I know his brother Eli is required to wear a helmet at all times… I mean, you can spot that thing on his head with Google Earth. Game wise, Manningface turned into permanent Manningsulk for pretty much the entire game. I relished that.
Donald Brown — 11 CAR, 23 YDS. Donald Brown > Trent Richardson. Crazy, right? Yeah, totally. But it still makes you think. Which means Trent Richardson owners should be worrying.
Trent Richardson — 14 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 FUM. Well, he had an 8-yard run. Which, I’m just guessing, would probably be the longest run of the year for him. First round pick justified! Did you know he’s been with the team a month, and has one rushing yard for each day? Something like that.
Stanley Havili — 1 CAR, 2 YDS and 1 REC, 20 YDS, 1 TD. Who?
Ronnie Hillman — 4 CAR, 25 YDS, 1 FUM and 1 REC, 1 YDS. “If you’re going to abandon the running game, Ronnie Hillman can really help you.” — Cris Collinsworth. Nice thing to say about a RB there Cris. With a terrible fumble in the red zone at the end of the game, I’m pretty sure Hillman had to walk home.
Knowshon Moreno — 15 CAR, 40 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 9 YDS. A very Knowshon game. Which is to say, a very bland game. What can I say? I’m in the know. Pun status: Nailed it.
Eric Decker — 8 REC, 150 YDS, 1 TD. Do Decker’s fantasy owners get points for his whining? If so, congrats.
Wes Welker — 7 REC, 96 YDS. #83… now officially my fourth favorite Welker, behind Texas Welker, Greatriot gritty Welkah, and the Jewkah (Edelman for all you lay people). Still ahead of Wounded Welkerdola.
Demaryius Thomas — 4 REC, 82 YDS, 1 TD. I speak for all Demaryius Thomas owners… however many times he’s targeted, it’s never enough. We will never be satisfied. Solution: we must make more sacrifices to Pey-Pey’s forehead. MORE VIRGINS FOR THE FOREHEAD GODS! Yes, this is the point when I realize I should stop drinking… and then I double-down.
Darrius Heyward-Bey — 4 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 30 YRDS. DHB caught a pass? Naw you’re fooling me. You can really see why Al Davis drafted DHB: he’s terrific when he doesn’t have to catch the ball.
T.Y. Hilton — 2 REC, 27 YDS. THIS GUY, T.Y. HILTON, I CALL HIM PARIS HILTON, BECAUSE HE GOES DOWN EASILY. By-the-way, T.Y. Hilton is their #3 WR behind Darrius Heyward-Bey, because the Colts. I guess.
Reggie Wayne — 5 REC, 50 YDS. Peyton knows how to plan ahead. He installed explosives in Reggie’s knees six years ago.
Coby Fleener — 5 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD. Had the most unnecessary leap ever before the half. I guess he just wanted to dispel some stereotypes. Fleenerdown’s cure all ills though… sorta.
Julius Thomas — 5 REC, 41 YDS, 1 TD. You think when he gets a TD, they should be called an ORANGEDOWN? Naw bro, you’re way off. More like WRONGTHOMASDOWN, amiright?
a wonderful concluding thought
Ladies and Gentlemen– An Andy Reid-coached, Alex Smith-quarterback’d led group is the lone undefeated team in the 2013 NFL season.
I don’t even know what’s real anymore…
Jason Longfellow, aka Jay Long, aka JayWrong, aka Jay, aka JW-1, is a 31-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.