So you know how I spend every Sunday morning hiding in the bushes outside Darren Waller’s bathroom just trying to sneak a peek? Well this week I saw something I shouldn’t have while lurking in the bushes. Jets head coach Adam Gase was having a secret meeting with Waller. I zipped up my pants and snuck closer to find out what they were saying. I heard Gase whisper, “We really need to lose for Lawrence today. Can you help us, Darren?” So I wasn’t at all surprised when Darren Waller exploded with 13 catches for 200 yards and his 6th and 7th touchdowns as the Jets narrowly maintained their winless pace and solidified their stranglehold on the number one overall pick. Waller is quickly closing the once massive Kelce gap. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
NO at ATL
Taysom Hill – 27/36 for 232 yards, 14 carries for 83 yards and 2 passing touchdowns–he now has 2 passing touchdowns and 5 rushing touchdowns on the season. But I thought he couldn’t throw? So many intelligent people have been hating on Hill. I’m the only fool over here believing.
Alvin Kamara – 15 carries for 88 yards, 2 catches for 9 yards and his 13th touchdown. Last week was a buying window as we all freaked out about the Taysom Hill effect. It took testicles the size of bowling balls to pull that buy-trigger though. Man, bowling ball testicles would not be fun.
Michael Thomas – 9 catches for 105 yards. Can’t Guard Mike unless Drew Brees (74 broken ribs) is at QB.
Todd Gurley – 8 carries for 16 yards, 1 catch for 4 yards. The Toddfather returns! Kind of. He has the knees of present day Marlon Brando, that’s for sure. Ito Smith (8 carries for 36 yards, 1 catch for -2 yards) and Brian Hill (5 carries for 18 yards) both took some work while Gurley was messing around with his knee on the sideline and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a bit of a committee moving forward.
Julio Jones – 6 catches for 94 yards. Julio’s hammy was hurt this week but he battled through it and racked up more yardage. Some folks asked me if they should bench him for fringe WR2 options. You pretty much have to start both Julio and Calvin Ridley (5 catches for 108 yards) if they’re active unless you have spare WR1’s laying around on your bench. First world fantasy problems.
DET at CHI
Kerryon Johnson – 3 carries for 3 yards, 2 catches for 8 yards before leaving with ANOTHER knee injury. It’s time to face the fact that my man just can’t stay healthy. The ageless Adrian Peterson (16 carries for 57 yards and his 5th and 6th touchdowns) continued to be the fill in for D’Andre Swift (concussion) who we might not see for another week or two based on reports out of Detroit.
Marvin Jones Jr. – 8 catches for 116 yards and his 6th touchdown. The Martian gets tons of opportunities with Kenny Golladay (hip) still on the shelf. Jones now has 40 targets over the past four weeks and quickly rising 2nd year tight end T.J. Hockenson (7 catches for 84 yards) has 28 targets during that same stretch.
David Montgomery – 12 carries for 72 yards, 4 catches for 39 yards and his 4th and 5th touchdowns. Oh my! The Full Monty did the slow strip tease for us this week. I never knew he was working with such a large package.
Allen Robinson – 6 catches for 75 yards. ARob popped up on the injury report on Friday with a knee which is usually ominous. But in this case the only thing it foreshadowed was the Bears blowing a late lead. Nice work Bears!
CLE at TEN
Baker Mayfield – 25/33 for 334 yards, 4 carries for 5 yards and 4 passing touchdowns–he now has 21 passing touchdowns on the season. Kevin Stefanski finally let Baker bake as he threw all four TDs in the first half. Baker will have these outbursts from time to time and he faces both New York “teams” in weeks 15 and 16.
Nick Chubb – 18 carries for 80 yards, 1 catch for 26 yards and his 7th touchdown. Kareem Hunt (14 carries for 33 yards, 3 catches for 24 yards) owners haven’t experienced much chub the past couple weeks. That’s the risk of a great two-headed monster backfield. Chubb remains a must-start RB1, Hunt a little more risky RB2.
Jarvis Landry – 8 catches for 62 yards and his 2nd touchdown. The Landryman has brought the bleach the past two weeks with 16 catches on 21 targets, 205 yards and 2 touchdowns and there’s no reason to think he won’t be a solid WR2 down the stretch here.
Derrick Henry – 15 carries for 60 yards, 1 catch for 9 yards. The Predator’s first fumble of the season came today too. The monster looked all around sluggish in this one, but I’m sure it’s an outlier.
A.J. Brown – 4 catches for 87 yards. Brown left briefly with a turned ankle and I got a little sweaty. Or maybe that’s because I had Cops playing on my side TV. But Brown was able to come back and looked fine, call off the prayer octagon.
Corey Davis – 11 catches for 182 yards and his 4th touchdown. See, quadrupling down on disappointing players really does pay off!
CIN at MIA
Gio Bernard – 12 carries for 30 yards, 2 catches for -1 yards. I’ve never been so disappointed with a Stache.
Tyler Boyd – 1 catch for 72 yards and his 4th touchdown. Even Brandon Allen (11/19 for 1 touchdown and 1 interception) can’t hold Boyd down. He can hold the rookie Tee Higgins (5 catches for 56 yards) down though. Boyd was ejected from this game for “throwing a punch” by the way; it was a very weak call, more of a slap/shove.
Myles Gaskin – 21 carries for 90 yards, 2 catches for 51 yards. In his return from the IR, Gaskin looked fantastic. I’m no longer concerned about a committee with Salvon Ahmed (shoulder) rest of season; Gaskin looked too good.
DeVante Parker – 4 catches for 35 yards. The return of Tua Tagovailoa (26/39 for 296 yards, 3 carries for 3 yards and his 7th passing touchdown) is not a positive development for Parker’s rest of season outlook. Parker’s always been a Fitzmagic man. Mike Gesicki (9 catches for 88 yards and his 4th touchdown) on the the other hand thrived with the rookie QB this week and seems to finally be breaking out.
JAC at MIN
James Robinson – 18 carries for 78 yards, 6 catches for 30 yards and his 9th touchdown. Another week, another big fantasy line from the undrafted rookie free-agent. Will he be drafted in the first round next year? I say early second round at the latest.
D.J. Chark – 2 catches for 41 yards. Charknado has been a pretty big bust this year after being drafted as an upside WR2.
Laviska Shenault Jr. – 3 catches for 38 yards, 2 carries for 30 yards and his 2nd touchdown. He snagged the ole ricochet touchdown off the defenders shoulder. Just how they drew it up! Maybe this is what gets the talented rookie jump started.
Dalvin Cook – 32 carries for 120 yards, 6 catches for 59 yards and a fumble lost. So much for the Vikings scaling back Cook’s workload. His 38 touches this week was a new season high, gotta love the coach speak, I mean lies.
Adam Thielen – 8 catches for 75 yards and his 12th touchdown. Safe to say Thielen has shed my label of second half fade, dude’s a locked in WR1.
Justin Jefferson – 9 catches for 121 yards and his 7th touchdown. Randy Moss holds all of the Vikings’ rookie receiving records which he set in 1998 with his 69 receptions (nice), 1,313 yards and 17 touchdowns. The 17 TDs are nowhere in sight but J-Jeff already has 61 receptions and 1,039 yards. Good chance the kid breaks both of Randy’s rookie receptions and yardage records. He’s special.
LV at NYJ
Devontae Booker – 16 carries for 50 yards, 1 catch for 1 yard. With the Jinglehammer, Josh Jacobs (ankle), sidelined we were excited to see what Booker could do with the lead role against the pathetic Jets defense. Answer: not much.
Henry Ruggs III – 3 catches for 84 yards and his 2nd touchdown. Henry the Third caught a 46 yards game winning touchdown with five ticks left on the clock. Adam Gase stopped by Ruggs house after Waller’s Sunday morning. I don’t trust the rookie speedster enough to start him in the fantasy playoffs but I mentioned last week that I’d be buying in dynasty; the dynasty buy-window still remains open.
Frank Gore – 1 carry for 2 yards before leaving with a concussion. Who else is tired of all the media’s blatant lies? So we’re to believe that a robot had to leave the game because of a concussion? Next they’re gonna be telling us the earth is round or some mumbo jumbo. It was Ty Johnson (22 carries for 104 yards, 2 catches for 13 yards and his 1st touchdown) who saw the bulk of the touches with the old man sidelined and he’s worth adding to see if it continues.
Jamison Crowder – 5 catches for 47 yards and his 4th and 5th touchdowns. We’ve been drinking the Jameson to kill the pain the past few weeks, now it’s time for celebratory shots. Let’s celebrate all those bench points!
IND at HOU
Jonathan Taylor – 14 carries for 91 yards, 3 catches for 44 yards and his 5th touchdown. Oh yes, it’s happening. Forget about Nyheim Hines (6 carries for 10 yards, 3 catches for 22 yards), get ready for Taylor’s Tool Time from here on out.
T.Y. Hilton – 8 catches for 110 yards and his 2nd touchdown. That’s his 2nd touchdown in as many weeks. I was a couple weeks premature on the T.Y. breakout call. Not the first time I’ve been premature. With Hilton suddenly commanding double digit targets, the Michael Pittman (5 catches for 46 yards) breakout may need to take a backseat. Make sure T.Y. is owned in your league.
Deshaun Watson – 26/38 for 341 yards, 7 carries for 38 yards, his 3rd rushing touchdown, 0 passing touchdowns and 1 interception. With the Will Fuller PED suspension there was mass panic from Watson owners. The QB, not IBM. But Deshaun is one of those talents who can get the job done throwing only to your cousin Cleophus and his step-brother Dingus.
David Johnson – 10 carries for 44 yards and his 5th touchdown. The party in the Texans backfield was pretty weak the past few weeks, but it’s bumping again now that the head DJ has returned. Consider Johnson a stiff RB2 for the fantasy playoffs.
Brandin Cooks – 5 catches for 65 yards. There was an in game concussion scare for Cooks which was a big deal because one more concussion could possibly end his career (he’s already had five in his young career). Fortunately, Cooks was cleared and came back, but was still outshined by both Keke Coutee (8 catches for 141 yards) and Chad Hansen (5 catches for 101 yards). Chad who?
LAR at ARI
Cam Akers – 21 carries for 72 yards, 1 catch for 22 yards and his 3rd touchdown. The 2nd round rookie has finally staked his claim on this backfield, leaving Darrell Henderson (3 carries for 49 yards and his 6th touchdown) and his owners out in the cold.
Cooper Kupp – 8 catches for 73 yards. I just traded Benny Snell and Big Mike for Kupp Sunday morning. It’s a miracle he even made it to the stadium.
Robert Woods – 10 catches for 85 yards. If Bobby Trees falls into 10 catches and he’s not on your fantasy team, did it happen?
Kyler Murray – 21/39 for 173 yards, 5 carries for 15 yards, 3 touchdowns and 1 interception. That’s three straight games with lackluster rushing production which correlates directly with Kyler’s shoulder injury. Seems like he’s protecting the wounded wing. Get well soon, sweet prince.
Kenyan Drake – 10 carries for 49 yards, 2 catches for 9 yards and his 8th touchdown. You’re gonna love Drake’s new album: Flaccid Yardage, Erect Touchdowns. The Kenyan has been the main beneficiary of the Murray shoulder injury, scoring four TDs in the last three weeks.
DeAndre Hopkins – 8 catches for 52 yards and his 5th touchdown. Nuk dropped da bomb against Jalen Ramsey and coulda, shoulda had a 2nd score.
Dan Arnold – 2 catches for 61 yards and his 2nd and 3rd touchdowns. Hey Arnold! I’m not buying it.
NYG at SEA
Wayne Gallman – 16 carries for 135 yards. It would’ve been an even bigger game for Batman if it weren’t for his butler Alfred Morris (8 carries for 39 yards, 1 catch for 6 yards and his 1st and 2nd touchdowns) going double vulture. Gallman is approaching must-start territory.
Sterling Shepard – 1 catch for 22 yards. The Shepard led his owners to the cliff but they took the leap on their their own if they started him with Colt McCoy (13/22 for 105 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception) behind center.
Evan Engram – 4 catches for 32 yards. Double E Cup is just too much bust to handle. I prefer something a little smaller and more manageable.
Russell Wilson – 27/43 for 263 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception–he now has 32 touchdowns on the season but only six in the past five weeks. His food preparation business is really struggling. The whole carry-out only stuff is killing Russ’s vibe.
Chris Carson – 13 carries for 65 yards, 3 catches for 45 yards and his 8th touchdown. The Seahawks returned to Carson City this week after spending a little too much time in Vegas with Carlos Hyde (2 carries for 1 yard, 3 catches for 10 yards).
D.K. Metcalf – 5 catches for 80 yards. I ranked D.K. and his huge calves #1 in my top 10 dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football last week. I expected him to come to my assistance in a bigger way this week to silence all the haters. Next week.
Tyler Lockett – 6 catches for 63 yards. I have a football shaped locket that I wear while watching the games every Sunday. Tyler’s picture isn’t inside, but shirtless pics of Waller and Kyler are.
PHI at GB
Carson Wentz – 6/15 for 79 yards, 3 carries for 18 yards. Carson’s starting job Wentz by the wayside on Sunday. His replacement, rookie Jalen Hurts (5/12 for 109 yards, 5 carries for 29 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception), certainly brings some intrigue in superflex and dynasty leagues, he could be fun.
Miles Sanders – 10 carries for 31 yards. I thought last week may have been rock bottom for Sanders’ fantasy value after Doug Pederson forgot he was on the team. But no, no, no. This week ole Doug P decided to bring in Jordan Howard (4 carries for 19 yards) off the street and go full Simple Jack. F this guy.
Dallas Goedert – 5 catches for 66 yards. Dallas rode the Packers like a cowboy, but was ultimately bucked off the block of cheese with just an average ride time. Zach Ertz (2 catches for 31 yards) still doesn’t appear to be a real threat, but it was good to see exciting rookie Jalen Reagor (1 catch for 34 yards and a 73 yard punt return touchdown) make a big play in the return game.
Aaron Jones – 15 carries for 130 yards, 3 catches for 18 yards and his 9th touchdown. Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales of Jamaal Williams (5 carries for 26 yards, 2 catches for 10 yards) getting less than 5 touches per game. Still, Jones is creeping back toward the elite RB1 group with this type of usage.
Davante Adams – 10 catches for 121 yards and his 12th and 13th touchdowns. Davante was disowned by the Adamss Family but Aaron Rodgers (25/34 for 295 yards and 3 touchdowns–he now has 36 touchdowns on the season) was right there to take Adams in and pat him on the ass. Because he likes men. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Adams is on an absurd run with 11 touchdowns in the last seven games.
Allen Lazard – 3 catches for 30 yards. The Lizard King’s claws are getting sharper each week. A breakout is on the horizon.
NE at LAC
Cam Newton – 12/19 for 69 yards (nice), 14 carries for 48 yards, 1 passing touchdown and 2 rushing touchdowns–he now has 5 passing touchdowns and 11 rushing touchdowns on the season. The Fig Newton looked on from the sidelines helplessly as Cam dominated the Chargers on the ground.
Damien Harris – 16 carries for 80 yards, 1 catch for 15 yards. If you played Russian Roulette with the Belichick backfield then you’ve lived to fight another day, but not sure I’d press my luck with Sony Michel (10 carries for 35 yards, 1 catch for 23 yards) now muddying the committee waters.
Jakobi Meyers – 2 catches for 15 yards. Turns out Meyers was a little bit of a lemon.
N’Keal Harry – 2 catches for 15 and his 2nd touchdown. The Big Harry looks limp. Wait, I think it moved!
Justin Herbert – 26/53 for 209 yards, 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Unky Herb went bankrupt this week after sinking all his money into a car designed by Big Mike Williams (4 catches for 43 yards). Hopefully Herbert invests his fortune more wisely next week. His man Keenan Allen (5 catches for 48 yards) seems like a savvy entrepreneur.
Austin Ekeler – 8 carries for 36 yards, 4 catches for 32 yards. You remember the original Muscle Hamster, Doug Martin? I’m dubbing Ekeler as Muscle Hamster 2.0. Look for some big fantasy games down the stretch here.
DEN at KC
Melvin Gordon – 15 carries for 131 yards, 1 catch for 11 yards. I thought there was hope for Melvin with Phillip Lindsay’s (14 carries for 26 yards) knee injury. Then I thought there was little hope for Gordon when Lindsay was cleared to play. Then I thought, why am I wasting so much time thinking about the Broncos backfield. Melvin busted a huge 65 yard run that made his day, but this backfield is still an avoid for me rest of season.
Jerry Jeudy – 1 catch for 5 yards. That’s not gold, Jerry! Not gold! Jeudy can be dropped in non-keepers. You can’t trust him enough to start him in the fantasy playoffs, so no use holding.
Tim Patrick – 4 catches for 44 yards and his 4th and 5th touchdowns. This was a nice outburst but I have a rule that you never trust a fantasy player with two first names (See: Jeudy, Jerry).
Patrick Mahomes – 25/40 for 318 yards, 4 carries for 25 yards and 1 passing touchdown–he now has 31 passing touchdowns and only 2 interceptions on the season. Mahomie forgot his Ketchup at home on Sunday but still manage to choke the Bronco meat down.
Clyde Edwards-Helaire – Did not play. Now we know why The Clydesdale was distracted the past couple weeks: he was offered a position by Budweiser and finally decided to accept the job this week. Le’Veon Bell (11 carries for 40 yards, 2 catches for 15 yards) filled in and didn’t do a ton with his 13 touches.
Tyreek Hill – 6 catches for 58 yards. He also caught two touchdowns and neither counted. The second one came back on a holding call but the first one was flat-out missed by refs and somehow Reek himself didn’t think he caught it! Wild stuff here folks, I hope this doesn’t cost anyone (me) their fantasy playoffs.
Travis Kelce – 8 catches for 136 yards and his 8th touchdown. Is Kelce a first rounder next year? The advantage of owning him compared to the rest of the tight ends (not named Waller) is incredible.
