Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, here to counsel you on how to handle bullying on the message board and point out some interesting targets and touches from this past week. Let’s begin with me admitting to be being guilty of the kind of verbal abuse on message boards that would make Richie Incognito seek Jesus. Sh!t down your throat? I’ll kill you? Rich please! These types of kindergarten threats should be handled immediately by responding with extreme prejudice. No, no , no! I don’t mean racially guys, geez! I’m speaking of the military term. Let’s try our best to leave racism out of this unless it’s downing white people as I’m totally fine with that.
Speaking of white people, let’s take a quick break and talk about the Oregon Clucks for a second. What an absolute disgrace they are. I was sitting front row at their National Title loss to Auburn and since that game they have choked each and every single year. The way they were humiliated by Stanford, home of pop-tart of the century, Jonathan Martin, made me physically ill. What a disgusting display of bummery. I am appalled and I’m sure Sky is becoming a Husky fan as we speak. Pathetic.
Back to the message boards: Never bow down to an opponent when he starts hitting you with how he just to go hammer time on your wife before you met her. Don’t even think about quitting when someone let’s you know you’re kid isn’t really yours, even if you know there’s a high probability of that being true. Yea, I’ve lost friends through fantasy sports, plenty of them actually. I’ve typed things that could literally get me arrested in all 50 states. Yes, I’ve also taken plenty of abuse and the last thing on earth I would ever do is quit. It’s not in my blood and I hope it’s not in yours. Oh you did quit a fantasy league for some of these reasons? Let me guess; You are the type of person who reports a naked chick on instagram because you think it’s inappropriate. Fantasy football isn’t supposed to always be fun. It brings me excruciating pain and has given me more sleepless nights then I could ever begin to count. I’ll probably die from this sh#t, but I’ll never quit. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Don’t quit. Don’t be like Jonathan Martin.
Tyler Eifert- 3 receptions for 14 yards on 4 targets. This guy’s a first round pick? The total ineptitude of Jermaine Gresham is heartbreaking as I once thought of him as a possible top 10 tight end. But those days are gone. Eifert, who I looked at as a luxury pick for the Bengals certainly hasn’t played very luxuriously. If Gresham misses time I’d still give him a go if you didn’t pick up the man-child known as Jordan Reed.
Mike Wallace- 6 receptions for 82 yards on 8 targets. With Miami’s season seemingly crumbling, Mikey stepped up with a spiritually uplifting performance. If you watched that game you caught some glimpses of the dynaminism Wallace once displayed in Pittsburgh. His fantasy owners can only pray to Jehovah that it continues and hopefully with a touchdown next time. Oh wait, Revis is on him this week? Maybe hope for 2 weeks from now.
Dwayne Bowe- 7 receptions for 67 yards on 12 targets. Let’s just say Alex Smith’s talents don’t allow him to take advantage of the talents of Bowe. Or we could just say Smith’s talents block him from taking advantage of any dynamic wideouts. That is, unless, his receivers were Randall Cobb and Percy Harvin. You notice how I didn’t throw in Tavon Austin? Yea, cuz he blows blue whale D!ck. Unfortunately, Bowe owners are most likely stuck with him as it’d be hard to get anything of any value whatsoever for him .If you’re in need of 2-5 points, Bowe is a wonderful option on any given week.
C.J. Spiller- 12 carries for 116 yards 2 receptions for 39 yards on 3 targets. Guess who’s biiiiizack? Now if Cobb and Julio Jones returned I’d really have a shot at the Razzball Writers league title. Spiller looked like the bomb explosive last week and says he’s now almost 100 percent. If you’re a Spiller owner you can’t help but be erect with anticipation. Apologies to my female fans for that line. I left you out. I should have said “erect/wet.”
Greg Jennings- 6 receptions for 56 yards on 9 targets. How much did they pay this D!ck-in-a-box? Much to much to much.
Cole Beasley- 6 receptions for 68 yards on 9 targets. THE GREAT WHITE HOPE! You know my penchant for avoiding white wideouts like they were a leper colony, but “The Beaze” has a tiny bit of PPR appeal. Feel free to start if you’re utterly desperate. Feel free to blame me if he drops a goose egg.
Chris Johnson- 23 carries for 150 yards with 2 TDs and 3 receptions for 20 yards on 4 targets. Great Scott! Where did that come from? Have you ever seen a more pathetic edge run defense? The Rams defenders should all be hogtied and flogged after allowing CJ to hit the corner with such ease. Good news for Johnson owners, CJ gets the Jags this week, the one team who literally has 2 guys on their defense that could start for another NFL team. Big thangz this week playas.
Tavon Austin- o receptions on 2 targets. Wow. Just wow. The legend continues.
Lance Moore- 6 receptions for 70 yards on 10 targets. I’ve been reading quite a few negative comments about Lance Moore but the man had 10 targets and continues to get healthier while it being only a matter of time before Jimmy Graham goes down. ESPN is projecting Moore to get 3 points this week against what is quite possibly the worst secondary in football. I don’t get it. Tell me what I’m missing.
Chris Ivory- 18 carries for 139 yards with 1 TD. FEED THE MONSTER!!!!! Bilal Powell doesn’t deserve to lick the mud off Ivory’s cleats and frankly I’m sick of him even touching the rock. I’m expecting to Ivory to get 20 carries per game following the bye week. Mark it down.
Ryan Matthews- 7 rushes for 34 yards. I feel sorry for you if you own Ryan Matthews. I truly do.
Pierre Garçon- 7 receptions for 172 yards on 11 targets. Napoleon rises again! Some say the French are A$$holes, but this one’s a pretty solid wide receiver and I’m proud to draft him every year. Touchdowns are surely on the horizon. Yes I wrote this after watching the game last night.
Jonathan Stewart- 9 carries for 43 yards and 3 receptions for 22 yards. Olympia, Washington’s finest immediately showed he’s better than D-Williams at this point and he’s just getting starting. I like Stewart to lead the team in carries going from here on out. Yea he left his home to state to go play at Oregon, but chu still have to respect the kid. Witness.
Steven Jackson- 13 carries for 57 yards and 3 receptions for 19 yards on 4 targets. Not quite as pathetic as the past few weeks.
Riley Cooper- 5 receptions for 139 yards with 3 TD on 6 targets. I take back anything negative I ever said about this legend. The man’s a patriot and a possible future hall of famer.
Rashad Jennings- 15 carries for 102 yards with 1 TD and 7 receptions for 74 yards on 10 targets. If only Jacksonville had hung onto Jennings instead of the half-dead MJD. They’d probably be on their way to the playoffs.
Mike James- 28 carries for 158 yards 2 receptions for 8 yards on 2 targets. Zac Stacy, now James? Seattle’s defense is getting ran through like Kim Kardashian at a Compton Barbecue. I love the way James runs though and he should be in line for double digit fantasy points every week here on out. Looks more impressive than Doug Martin to me. By the way, Martin’s not coming back so feel free to let that dream go. That’s right, the muscle-gerbil is one of fantasy’s biggest bust this season, even before the injury.
Jermaine Kearse- 2 receptions for 43 yards with 1 TD on 2 targets. I’m sure you all listen to my boy, The Guru’s fantasy football radio show weekly, and knowing that fact, I’m sure you heard me say that my boy Kearse would score a touchdown this week. No, it’s not just because Kearse went to my high school, Lakes, but he’s shown the ability to make big plays in limited chances thus far and I expect him to hit pay dirt again this week. Listen for me again this week as I continue my mission to getting my own television show.
Ray Rice- 11 carries for 17 yards and 3 receptions for 21 yards on 4 targets. I haven’t seen anything that pathetic since I saw the dic pick Sean Salisbury sent to Linda Cohn. Come on man, angles are everything. There’s no way she would have reported him if he was packin.
Willis McGahee- 21 carries for 31 yards. Now that’s impressive. It’s almost physically impossible to only run for 31 yards on 21 carries. What’s even more shocking is that Cleveland continued to pound the rock to him despite the fact that Willis was completely useless.
Jerricho Cotchery- 7 receptions for 96 yards with 3 TDs on 8 targets. Yea, that won’t be happening again. Crotchery, I love. Cotchery, not so much.
Danny Amendola- 4 receptions for 122 yards with 1 TD on 4 targets. It’s not a good sign that Dobson is getting double the targets of Dola, but hey the guy made the most of them. So what if the 2 big plays were off of totally broken coverages……………Ok, I’m still concerned.
Andre Johnson- 9 receptions for 229 yards with 3 TDs on 13 targets. Unfortunately for me, Dre-day’s first TD’s of the season all came on my head in a Sunday night performance I won’t soon forget. Johnson’s owners are obviously excited about Case Keenum’s entry into the starting lineup and I don’t blame them. The kid got a hose ya’ll. Feel the burn.
Eddie Lacy- 22 carries for 150 yards with 1 TD. Beast-mode Jr. runs with speed and power of a Hippo that spots human flesh. It’s truly a shame this hog fell to the late second round of the NFL draft, especially since, you know, he got all dressed up and showed up to New York on draft day in some expensive suit. He deserved better and I deserved better than David Wilson! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Matt Forte- 24 carries for 125 yards with 1 TD and 5 receptions for 54 yards on 8 targets. Even Michael Bush’s parents don’t want him toting the rock. They know who the real is. Forte is on his way to his best fantasy season yet and unfortunately I think I drafted David Wilson ahead of him. Was that a mistake?
That’s enough for this week my friends. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded in quick fashion as I aim to please. Feel free to follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47, a place where you can interact with me on so many different levels. Just imagine the possibilities. I’ll be on the Guru’s radio show tomorrow as well so catch that if you care about my well being at all. Goodbye.