In what was another snore fest that Monday Night Football can sometimes (almost all the time) be known for (at least as much as Thursday Night Football games can be), let me tell you, this one met that mark. And then surpassed it by innumerable. The first three quarters (and the last five minutes of regulation in the fourth quarter) lived up to the hype that I’m sure could have only been matched by a local mattress store Labor day commercial: a slow, cheesy, and clunky experience, which seems wholly natural as that basically describes Indianapolis, where science has taught us that rolling is the most popular form of transportation. In fact, for the first three quarters, I’m not sure sure either team’s offense understood what the game of football is or what it does. In this battle of attrition (for the viewers too), the Jets gained the upper hand, convincing me enough that both teams had probably switched uniforms before game time and decided to see who could perform the poorest. Suffice it to say, the Colts won that face off. Or do the Jets technically win there? I have no idea, all I know is that we lost. But, as I did mention earlier, the entire game wasn’t completely devoid of events resembling football. Some offense did occur in spurts, though it was mainly concentrated at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Alas, it was too late by then, there was little this game could accomplish to offset the damage done to everyone. The previous four interceptions and three fumbles (six of the turnovers were happily donated by the Colts), and struggling to figure out who the ef Quincy Enunwa was ended up being the line for me. Monday Night Football folks… Oh, hey, the Jaguars are now in first place, something that hasn’t occurred since the lovely year of 1462. So that happened…
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Eric Decker – 8 REC, 97 YDS, 1 TD. Upper… Decker? Am I allowed to do that joke? I mean, I’m know I’m allowed to, it’s my post, but in the greater sense… does morality allow this? Unfortunately (for the nine fantasy teams that depend on him), Decker left the fourth quarter from an apparent PCL injury and is doubtful in Week 3 and possibly could be out several weeks.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 22/34, 244 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 6 YDS. There were some spurts of Fitzmagic, but I certianly did not get the Fitz nor the magic that I was promised. It was a very… pedestrian game if I’m being nice (I’m a nice guy, I swear!), and I think we probably can just chaulk up the interception due to the fact that Fitzpatrick played on the Texans last year… so he’s very used to throwing passes to the Colts.
T.Y. Hilton – 4 REC, 45 YDS. NOBODY ESCAPES REVIS ISLAND ALIVE. Which actually isn’t far from the truth. He clearly wasn’t 100%, and was in and out of the game with some knee issues in the second half. We’re just going to have to see how the Colts handle him in practice to gauge his Week 3 status.
Andre Johnson – 3 REC, 27 YDS. So much this. I’ll take full credit for his ranking and continued faith this week… it’s hard to figure out. The Colts look lost, so that doesn’t help, but I’m afraid it’s a bit more than that. He seems either out of sync (which can happen with a new team) or just a tad off on his timing and route running. Yes, he could have lost a step, but I’m not willing to write him totally off until the Colts start looking more like a functioning football team. But I’m hesitant to start him if I have other options from this point forward.
Andrew Luck – 21/37, 250 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 4 CAR, 24 YDS, 1 FUM. Andrew Luck and Bobby Jindal make me question the value of an Ivy League education. On top of that, having an Amish quarterback means you can’t even use gadget plays… Oh trust me, with the sh*tshow he put me through last night, I can go for days. Hey, do you know what Andrew Luck’s favorite PlayStation game is? Grand Theft Horse and Buggy… Why was Luck so terrible? Because he spent the entire game trying to figure out how they’re able to play football inside at night. For days I have these… days.
Brandon Marshall – 7 REC, 101 YDS, 1 TD. As enjoyable as it was to finally see old Brandon Marshall, at some point, you’d think the Colts would have wanted cover Marshall. Just seemed like the prudent thing to do, ya know? Or, as you can see above, maybe just hire more defensive backs or something. Some camera men too. Maybe some large baskets.