Technically, it’s “Newton’s law of universal gravitation”, but let’s not cut hairs here when it comes to aesthetically pleasing titles. I’m into that whole brevity thing, man. But like Newton’s law — that two bodies in the Universe attract each other with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, or, like how Paula Abdul explained while singing with a cartoon cat, that opposites attract, Cam Newton has been able to work with what is probably the most underwhelming receiving depth in the league. Not counting the Browns. (You never count the Browns.) I mean, Ted Ginn Jr. is a starter. THIS IS CRAZY. With last night’s win against the hapless Saints, the Panthers are now 12-0 and the only undefeated team remaining. Or, if you live in Carolina, they are now the only undefeated team with a 11-1 record. Regardless, no matter what unfolds the next month, at this point, it looks like the Panthers are set to make their run to the Super Bowl, where they’ll likely face off against the not-Bengals…
Here’s what else I saw during Week 13’s Sunday games…
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Odell Beckham Jr. – 6 REC, 149 YDS, 1 TD. Imagine how good Beckham would be if he had a quarterback that could hit him in stride…
Sam Bradford – 14/24, 120 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Sam Bradford, ladies and gentlemen. “Where?” – Sam Bradford.
Tom Brady – 29/56, 312 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT and 6 CAR, 17 YDS, 1 TD. Complementary football: 1) A good offensive line and talented running back on the same team. 2) Listening to the media talk about Tom Brady.
Drew Brees – 24/42, 282 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 12 YDS. Little known Football fact… after Hurricane Katrina, the Saints rebuilt New Orleans under the direction of their head coach Sean Payton and their personal lord and savior, Breesus Christ.
Donald Brown – 7 CAR, 26 YDS and 1 REC, 31 YDS. Might as well rename the team when they move to Los Angeles. Ladies and Gentlemen, your Los Angeles Donald Derpies! (Formerly known as the San Diego Chargers, the only team that ever felt the need to give an actual job to Donald Brown.)
Jordan Cameron – 1 REC, 4 YDS. What happened to Cameron Jordan? More importantly, what happened to Jordan Cameron?
Scott Chandler – 4 REC, 61 YDS, 1 TD. Patriots – Gronk = Jets, apparently.
Jay Cutler – 18/31, 202 YDS, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 10 YDS. Cutler furthering his mantra of “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving pick-sixes creates love.”
Austin Davis – 25/38, 230 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 4 YDS, 1 FUM. The number of states closing their boarders to refugees from Cleveland has now reached 32. “We’re not going to accept any more refugees from this dangerous zone known as “Cleveland” into the state of Texas,” Gov. Greg Abbott said on Fox News on Tuesday. Texas has had 4,582 Brown fans resettle there in the last three years, the second highest number in the nation. On Tuesday, Abbott directed the state health commission to suspend services for refugees from Cleveland and told his Department of Public Safety to “keep an eye on them”. “They want to form their own little fandom within your fandom,” says Robert Langley, a retired taxidermist in Arlington County. “That’s not acceptable. That’s not the American way. My feeling is they shouldn’t let them into Cowboys country and spread their sadness.”
Vernon Davis – 2 REC, 25 YDS. You *can do this Vernon! (*He can’t.)
Zach Ertz – 2 REC, 9 YDS, 1 TD. Whoa, giving Ertz some fantasy points for the first time this season? That’ll do, Eagles. That’ll do.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 36/50, 390 YDS, 2 TD and 5 CAR, 47 YDS. Harvard brain, noodle arm, mixed with a bit of paprika, and BAM, Fitzmagic.
Nick Foles – 15/35, 146 YDS, 1 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. The one good thing about Nick Foles is that he isn’t much of a cap hit.
Blaine Gabbert – 18/32, 196 YDS, 1 TD and 6 CAR, 75 YDS, 1 TD. I hadn’t seen Jim Tomsula that happy since he found that turkey leg just sitting on top of the trash in the dumpster.
Ted Ginn Jr. – 5 REC, 80 YDS, 2 TD. Ted Ginn should really give out advice on safe sex instead of playing football, because I don’t think he could even catch AIDS if he tried.
Melvin Gordon – 12 CAR, 55 YDS, 1 FUM and 1 REC, 8 YDS. Melvin is such a… melvin. Tee hee.
LeSean McCoy – 21 CAR, 112 YDS. The Bills have a never ending supply of vultures. To be fair, there is a lot of rotting flesh strewn about the Buffalo area.
DeMarco Murray – 8 CAR, 24 YDS. Chip Kelly’s just getting his guys tuned up for the Kraft Foods Armed Services Bowl.
Cam Newton – 28/41, 331 YDS, 5 TD, 1 INT and 10 CAR, 49 YDS. R.I.P. WHITE TWITTER.
Greg Olsen – 9 REC, 129 YDS. Can the Saints re-hire and then re-fire Rob Ryan? Would that help at all?
Adrian Peterson – 8 CAR, 18 YDS and 4 REC, 6 YDS. Hey folks! Did you know you can beat the f*ck out of your kid, and then be praised for workplace improvement the next fiscal year? Try it now with this limited time offer!
Matt Ryan – 30/45, 269 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Geez, Matt Ryan is one average-ass quarterback nowadays.
Matt Schaub – 32/46, 308 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. Ah yes, Schaub with another pick-six. The nostalgia…
Will Tye – 3 REC, 70 YDS. I feel like this was more due to Jets stupidity than the Giants capability.
Clive Walford – 5 REC, 53 YDS. What’s a Clive Walford? You’re not Amari Cooper (4 REC, 69 YDS).
Sammy Watkins – 3 REC, 109 YDS, 1 TD. WHAMMY WATKINS. Can’t wait till I start him next week and he ends the day with one reception and four yards…
James White – 2 CAR, 4 YDS and 10 REC, 115 YDS, 1 TD. Good thing for White that Tom Brady’s receivers are mediocre…
Russell Wilson – 21/27, 274 YDS, 3 TD and 9 CAR, 51 YDS, 1 TD. Whose recovery water is that? That’s Russell Wilson’s recovery water.
Final Thought
