The Hunt for Brown Chubbtober

Two nights ago I had a vivid dream. I was cruising down the South Carolina coast on a beautiful summers day, windows open and Katie Perry’s Dark Horse blaring on the speakers. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous tidal wave towering over me. As I scrambled to roll up the windows, the big kahuna came crashing down on me like something out of an Odell Beckham Jr. fantasy—except less brown and more liquid. Well, I think more liquid, not positive on Odell’s preferred consistency. But next thing I knew I was laying awake in bed, sweat covered, clutching my Kerryon Johnson blow up doll. What did it all mean?

Naturally, like any deranged fantasy football addict, I assumed the dream was forewarning of the impending injury wave set to billow down on all of my fantasy football teams in week 2. Turns out, I misinterpreted all the signs. The vehicle in my dream was actually my week two fantasy opponents, and the colossal wave was Nick Chubb demolishing them with his 22 carries for 124 yards, 1 catch for 9 yards and 2 touchdowns. Kareem Hunt dove into the storm too with 10 carries for 86 yards, 2 catches for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns of his own. I told you in my weekly Thursday Night Football predictions that Chubb would return to full mast . I missed on my prediction of Baker Mayfield leaving at half time to record Progressive commercials, but one for two isn’t bad. Hopefully no one freaked out and traded Chubb away for another, more flaccid back after his poor showing in week one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Baker Mayfield – 16/23 for 219 yards, 2 touchdowns and 1 interception. There were rumblings that Progressive might try to void his contract if Mayfield didn’t start playing football soon. So of course Baker stepped up in primetime to lead the Browns to victory and stabilize his acting career. Look for Mayfield and the Browns to build on this short week win. I’m in the very tiny minority of one who still thinks there’s hope for Baker to finish as a QB1 with all the weapons around him.

Odell Beckham Jr. – 4 catches for 74 yards and 1 touchdown. Coming into this game he was really getting dumped on by the media. But OBJ was the one who did the dumping on Thursday night. If it weren’t for blatant pass interference in the second quarter, he would’ve had two touchdowns and over 100 receiving yards. Our famed Pigskinonator projected Beckham for 4.8 catches, 69.5 receiving yards and 0.41 touchdowns as it’s WR13 for the week. Sign up for a 7-day free trial now, you won’t regret it!  As for OBJ, he’s a must-start WR1 moving forward—yeah, I said it.

Jarvis Landry – 3 catches for 46 yards. There’s better days ahead for The Landryman who still isn’t 100% after offseason hip surgery. He’s a solid WR3 buy-low target in PPR leagues.

Austin Hooper – 2 catches for 22 yards. Still think there’s a decent chance Hooper finishes the year as a TE1. There wasn’t much incentive for the Browns to throw in the 2nd half of this one since the Bengals run defense was more comical than a Baker Mayfield Progressive commercial—I liked the new book club one the first 40 times.

Joe Burrow – 37/61 for 316 yards, 7 carries for 19 yards and 3 passing touchdowns. I expected the rookie to look much more rookie-like on a short week. It’s hard not to be impressed with Joe Donkey at this point. In spite of no preseason and a wacky COVID training camp, Burrow looked shockingly poised in primetime. There will be bumps along the way, but his dual threat potential and the terrible Bengals defense gives him streamer appeal this season.  

A.J. Green – 3 catches for 29 yards. The number that immediately catches your eye is the 13 targets Green saw. The rookie QB likes to look his way, so as long A.J. can stay healthy the fantasy production is coming soon. 

Tyler Boyd – 7 catches for 72 yards and 1 touchdown. Boyd dropped a touchdown pass in the 3rd quarter so he could’ve had an even bigger night. Little known fact: Bigger Knight was the name of Suge’s 4’6″ brother.

Mike Thomas – 4 catches for 31 yards and 1 touchdown. Glad I accidentally drafted the Bengals Mike Thomas in the first round of all my leagues.

Joe Mixon – 16 carries for 46 yards, 4 catches for 40 yards. I ranked him as my RB14 in my 2020 fantasy football rankings. Who’s the idiot now! Still me? Darn.

Gio Bernard – 1 carry for 3 yards, 3 catches for 29 yards. The Stache scavenged a touchdown in the third quarter, but it got overturned. It’s obvious what the Bengals offense needs: more Stache.

Tee Higgins – 3 catches for 35 yards. The 2nd round rookie has a real Ochocinco look to him in that Bengals jersey. And it may or may not be because he wears the number 85.

C.J. Uzomah – 4 catches for 42 yards and 1 touchdown before being carted off in the 4th quarter with a tough break season ending Achilles injury. Drew Sample (7 catches for 45 yards) now jumps onto deep league radars. Could his 9 targets be a, uhhhh, sample of things to come? Sorry, I’ll see myself out.