Last night, Odell Beckham had 10 receptions for 146 yards and two touchdowns. Oh, yeah, he also did this…
That was the best one-hander since I lost my virginity.
I’d love to write more, but that would probably only take away from what you see before you. So when you’re finished watching this glorious depiction of a football player doing a legendary thing, join me below for the round-up. Don’t worry, it took me about two hours and an ophthalmologist to get me to move on…
Browns – 26, Falcons – 24
Brian Hoyer – 23/40, 322 YDS, 3 INT and 3 CAR, 12 YDS. Those three interceptions were all in the fourth quarter as Hoyer went into drunken sailor mode. So much so, drunken sailors immediately objected strenuously.
Josh Gordon – 8 REC, 120 YDS and 0/1. Well, no touchdowns, but Josh Gordon looked well rested. Totally mellow, relaxed. So much so that I really thought he was going to get 4 catches for 20 yards. Way to mess that one up bro.
Titins – 24, Eagles – 43
LeSean McCoy – 21 CAR, 130 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 1 YDS. Wow, that line takes me back to the days when Shady would get the ball and I wouldn’t expect something other than a bit of a shimmy and a 1-yard gain. I guess this means the presence of an offensive line is important in the game of football.
Zach Mettenberger – 20/39, 345 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. At this point, would Steve McNair starting at quarterback really make the Titans any worse than they are right now? Sure, there are a lot of holes in that argument, but I think it’s worth a shot.
Delanie Walker – 5 REC, 155 YDS. 98% of all his fantasy points this year has come in just two games. Twist: You probably didn’t start him in either one.
Lions – 9, Patriots – 34
LeGarrette Blount – 12 CAR, 78 YDS, 2 TD. LeGarrette Blount wasted no time vulturing touchdowns for his new team. What. A. Jerk. Belichick’s Blount addiction needs some sort of intervention at this point.
Jonas Gray – DNP. Apparently, a four touchdown effort means nothing when you show up to practice late once. BILL BELICHICK IS SUCH A MOTIVATOR GUYS.
Tim Wright – 5 REC, 36 YDS, 2 TD. Looked better by the second on my bench.
Matthew Stafford – 18/46, 264 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 18 YDS. Stafford’s game inspired me to go outside and rake leaves and then pick up errant dog sh*t. But I wasn’t man enough to fully simulate the same experience by rolling in it.
Calvin Johnson – 4 REC, 58 YDS. Why they do anything other than just throwing jump balls to Johnson, I’ll never understand.
Packers – 24, Vikings – 21
Teddy Bridgewater – 21/37, 210 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 32 YDS. The Bridgewater to Charles Johnson (3 REC, 52 YDS, 1 TD) combo wouldn’t score any points in a fantasy league involving both of their mothers.
Jaguars – 3, Colts – 23
Trent Richardson – 13 CAR, 42 YDS, 1 TD. Trent Richardson is an All-Pro guys. But just in case, the Colts have Dan Herron (12 CAR, 65 YDS and 5 REC, 31 YDS.), who actually showed an ability to carry the ball more than two yards at a time.
Blake Bortles – 15/27, 146 YDS, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 24 YDS. How many Bortles could a Blake Bortles Bortle, if a Blake Bortles could Bortle Bortles? You know, if a Jaguars fan was a thing that actually existed, I would ask them if 95% of Bortles completions come after the team is down by 20.
Bengals – 22, Texans – 13
Andy Dalton – 24/35, 233 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 6 YDS. I find Dalton interesting, in that you never know which one will show up; will it be The Good, the Bad or the Ugly? Well, granted, the ugly always shows up. So I guess it’s just the good and bad flipping a coin to see who’s turn it is. Just remember though, you can’t spell “regretting” without “G-i-n-g-e-r”.
Jeremy Hill – 18 CAR, 87 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 9 YDS. To be fair, “Here, Giovani Bernard (17 CAR, 45 YDS and 2 REC, 22 YDS.), we’re gonna give the ball to you off left tackle over-and-over agian with no variation. See what you can do with that” was pretty much the entire game plan. I like both, Hill a little more, but with both of them healthy, their collective ceilings lower a bit.
Buccaneers – 13, Bears -21
Matt Forte – 23 CAR, 89 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 23 YDS. Led team in offense, including both carries and receptions. The limb I’m out on is pretty shaky, but I’m going to say it. Matt Forte is pretty good.
Vincent Jackson – 5 REC, 117 YDS. Jackson wants you to know that he is alive and well. On your bench.
Cardinals – 3, Seahawks 19
Drew Stanton – 14/26, 149 YDS, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 23 YDS. Drew Stanton put up a JaMarcus-esque passer rating of 54.8 yesterday, yet still was one yard off the highest rushing total for the team. Not sure if that should make you laugh or cry.
Rams – 24, Chargers – 27
Shaun Hill – 18/35, 198 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Hill has the weirdest release motion I’ve seen. Then again, so do I… but I cuddle afterwards.
Washington Football Team – 13, 49ers – 17
Alfred Morris – 21 CAR, 125 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS. The “keeping the ball out of RG3’s hand’s” game plan was a solid one for the most part. But honestly, just put Colt McCoy in and be done with it already. Or is it Kirk Cousins turn? F*ck it. Why not both?
Dolphins – 36, Broncos – 39
Peyton Manning – 28/35, 257 YDS, 4 TD and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. It’s certainly hard to say after producing a great line, but for much of the game, he was continuing the past few-weeks trend of throwing the ball as well as the pizza that he shills for. Still, if that’s what passes for a 4 touchdown game, the world’s gonna be just fine.
C.J. Anderson – 27 CAR, 167 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 28 YDS. Just curious with Montee Ball… has any Wisconsin running back not sucked once they hit the NFL? Ron Dayne was almost adequate one season. OK, maybe one month.
Wes Welker – 4 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD. Welker gonna get some extra Molly this week with that touchdown.
Cowboys – 31, Giants – 28
This is all you need to know about this game…
Tony Romo – 18/26, 275 YDS, 4 TD. See above.
Dez Bryant – 7 REC, 86 YDS, 2 TD. See above.
Eli Manning – 29/40, 338 YDS, 3 TD. See above.
Odell Beckham Jr. – 10 REC, 146 YDS, 2 TD. See above.