The Stats Machine, Week 5: The Full Nelson

In the 1980s, Hulkamania was running wild in almost every household in America. Even today, nearly 30 years later, when my iPod shuffles to “Real American“, I get transported back to the days when I believed in “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan. I am far from ashamed to admit that the Hulkster was one of my childhood heroes. Back then, it was practically impossible not to be captivated by the World Wrestling Federation and its cast of real life superhero-like characters. From The Ultimate Warrior to King Kong Bundy. From Junkyard Dog to Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. And from Randy “Macho Man” Savage to Rowdy Roddy Piper. The list could go on and on. [Jay’s Note: Uhhhh, no mention of The Nature Boy Ric Flair? Tsk tsk…] Vince McMahon had built an empire that would entertain millions worldwide for decades to come.

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Betting With Beddict, Week 5: Seahawks Looking to Scalp Washington

by: LT Murray IV

Overall: 22-23-1, Week 4: 6-6-0.

Sorry to disappoint the millions of #Disgrace/Delight fans this week, but Beddict was moving from the “Beddict Penthouse” to “Beddict Manor”. With no internet, countless supplies to unpack, and a chicken coop for my baby, Beatrice, there was simply no time to put forth the proper effort into my Wednesday post. I was told the move would take three hours total… it took nine! Not even the Elder Gods could have foretold the savage beating my wallet endured. Kudos to those of you who are professional movers or have at some point worked for a moving company, for those men are soldiers of the highest order. We can chat about this another time, but feel free to come watch football with me in my new pad and watch some football anytime. Sky’s in my basement right now. “SKY!!!! It puts the lotion on the skin.”

A couple side notes here… Last week’s lock of the week, the Baltimore Ravens (-3), destroyed the Carolina Panthers as Steve Smith Sr. gave his old team the kind of pounding I haven’t witnessed since the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape. If we stop there, it would seem like I had a great week… A young man named Matt correctly pointed out that I didn’t seem to realize Oakland was playing in London this past week and not in their home stadium. If only my editor could not only fix my countless grammatical errors, but also do all of my research for me, maybe then, I’d be better at this. [Jay’s Note: Maybe!] Seriously though, that was amateurish of me and it will not happen again. That is, if Jay(Wrong) alerts me when and which teams are playing in London. [Jay’s Note: Sure thing! Here ya go…]

I didn’t get in my Thursday pick last week, and I changed my pick Philly/SF pick to San Francisco at the last minute, giving me a .500 record on the week. Normally, I’d be disheartened by such a performance, but that was before speaking with numerous sharps who seemed to have similar issues. Remember guys, if betting was easy, everybody would do it.

I hit Twitter multiple times with my Packers pick this week, as I was feeling blowout all the way. I also nailed my Matt Asiata prediction (of him scoring no more than 5 points). Unfortunately for me, I was forced to start Asiata everywhere, but you know what makes the pain from being bent over in fantasy go away, don’t you? Yeah, having some floozy from Tinder ride you like a pony with the bidet at full blast hitting that special spot. Winning money is another possible cure, and that’s the focus here, so let’s get to it. This is Betting With Beddict!!!!

The quest for the perfect week continues…

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Start ’em and Sit ’em, Week 5: Davis’ Cup Runneth Over

October 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 34 Comments

by: SethDaSportsMan

“Start ’em and Sit ’em” was on hiatus last week as I made my way to Boston to catch Derek Jeter’s farewell game on Sunday. Things went well. Some random dude gave us a free parking pass when we were driving up to Fenway, Jeets got a hit in his last at bat, and I even caught a foul ball.

So did you miss me? (You’re supposed to say, “yes”). I’ll just assume you did, and we can all move on. Fantasy football didn’t stop for me just because I didn’t put out a Week 4 column. I never got off the saddle — well, maybe once to enjoy a warm bowl of chowdah. Hopefully you survived that hectic week of byes, and let’s keep on, keepin’ on to Week 5…

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Handcuff Report, Week 5: The Walls Of Jerick-O

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 27 Comments

by: Geoff

I’m pinching myself right now, because I’m pretty sure we went an entire week without a running back of note getting injured, arrested, or abducted by Martians. BTW, always remember to capitalize Martians, because they are a specific type of being. Don’t be rude, show our brothers and sisters in universal existence the respect they deserve. Anywho, here we are in week 5 and things are starting to make more sense. Well everything except this coon skin cap I’m wearing. That makes no sense. As Jay mentioned in his rest of season rankings on Wednesday, we have enough of a sample size to make educated decisions as to what players have gained or lost value compared to their preseason expectations. For example, after another inactive status last week, I can say with some confidence that Bernard Pierce is droppable. Unfortunately, due to the flux and general injury risk of running backs, it’s tough to gauge who’ll be useful for more than a week or two at a time. This is why handcuffing has become an increasingly effective strategy for savvy players out there looking to keep the points coming from their running back position. With this in mind, today’s focus will be less on handcuffs with immediate value and more on handcuffs with great potential for rest of season and dynasty leagues.

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On Pace, Week 5: Touch Donnell

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 27 Comments

by: malamoney

In hockey, three goals is called a hat trick. In basketball, three 3-pointers is 9 points. In baseball, three home runs is a monster day. In football, three touchdowns is now known as a touchdonnell! Surprisingly, there have already been 6 touchdonnells through the first 4 weeks of the NFL season. Julius Thomas in Week 1, Antonio Gates and Brandon Marshall in Week 2, none in Week 3, and Jamaal Charles, Matt Asiata and Larry Donnell this past week. Congratulations to all fantasy owners that reaped the rewards of these players’ performances, and my condolences to those that had them on their bench.

Those of you that have read some of my other posts will know that I am not a big fan of projections. At their core, they are the fantasy sports version of fortune telling, and I don’t know about you, but I consider anyone that claims to be able to look into a crystal ball or use tarot cards to predict the future, to be full of sh*t. I have studied the art of sleight of hand since I was about 13 and I can guarantee you that what a few might think is “magic”, is not. It’s the result of countless hours of practice, routining and misdirection. With that said, it might surprise a few of you that I am about to shuffle a deck of cards and make a few predictions of my own. However, instead of pulling some numbers out of my a** hat, I am going to use current stats to project future stats. It’s a little trick I like to call “on pace”.

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That was the Ponderest Ponder that Anyone Ever Pondered

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 67 Comments

by: Jay

Well, Thursday Night Football… what can I say? The average margin of victory was 28 points (and if I actually knew what math was, I’d have to guess it would probably be around 30 points now after last night’s game), and I still can’t figure out if these blow out games are boring… or just plain sad. One thing’s for sure, Thursday Night Football is where NFL parity goes to die. The Packers opened up the first half with five, I repeat, five 3-and-outs, but still managed to lead the game 28-0. The Vikings couldn’t reach their own 45-yard-line until late in the second quarter… and then, when they did, it was on a Matt Asiata run where the end result was a fumble. Because of course. And it only got worse from there. For example, I think the Vikings are still punting as you’re reading this.

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TNF: Vikings vs. Packers

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 75 Comments

by: Jay

While Teddy Bridgewater is technically a game time decision, Adam Schefter is reporting that the “signs point to him (Bridgewater) not playing tonight.” Which means that there’s a 50% chance that he’s playing, while there’s a 100% chance that Christian Ponder might play. THE SUSPENSE EVERYONE. Suffering a high ankle sprain in last Sunday’s surprising win against Atlanta (41-28), Bridgewater was held out of practice all week. Seeing as how this is the same injury that’s been ailing Jamaal Charles, I expect nothing less than three touchdowns and 90 rushing yards from the Minnesota quarterback tonight. But, if Ponder starts (UPDATE: Ian Rapoport has now confirmed that Ponder will be starting), that should be just as exciting. And by exciting, I mean like how watching two cars crash into each other is exciting. Remember, the Vikings are facing a Packers team fresh off a game against the Bears where they ended every single drive with at least a field goal attempt. Adding the cherry on top, the forecast is calling for a torrential rain storm that we haven’t seen the likes of since Darren Aronofsky’s Noah. So… should be derptastic fun for all folks…

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Streamers, Week 5: The Book of Eli

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 21 Comments

by: Nico

The last time we referenced a Denzel Washington movie in the title, things turned out pretty well… so I’m going to put my hands together and pray for a similar outcome. Hallelujah! Praise the Fantasy Overlord! Although he can’t harness Biblical powers, Eli Manning is your best overall streaming option for week 5. (Side note: Philip Rivers is the only QB that CAN harness Biblical powers, i.e. 2014). Before you stop reading, hear me out. Well, maybe I don’t blame you for leaving… I’d leave too… but if you’re willing to stay, there’s more to our streamers than just an Eli Manning recommendation. Last week in the Streamer Department, we nailed the 2nd overall defense (Miami), and a top-10 quarterback and kicker to boot (pun intended). That’s two solid weeks in a row! We’re looking to improve on that this week with the seven options below:

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Asinine Ninjas Seek Turf

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 12 Comments

by: Smokey

Yeah, if you figure out this week’s post theme just by the title, good for you. Well, in New Jersey, it’s good for you, but that’s neither here nor there. Still trying to figure it out, are ya? If you haven’t figured it out, the title is an anagram for this week’s spotlight dance, and by dance, I mean post. Because no one wants to battle me… maybe J-FOH, because we would all love to see that saga unfold. Would be better than when the TKO Crew battled Electro Rock under that bridge in that fictional piece of cinematographic genius called Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo. Well, if you gave up already, the clue I was going to give you was that you need to put a hyphen in there. I know that just gave it away… but this week’s feature is on an up-an-comer, sorta like Little Mac, and his name Is Austin Sefarin-Jenkins. The behemoth of a man who happens to play a fantasy relevant position and not an axe man in the world Lumber Jack Olympics. Why I like him this week is multi-faceted, and it starts with him playing the hapless Saints defense, and ends with him being a favorite of the baby giraffe known as Mike Glennon. Intrigued? Sure you are! Come on in for some punch and pie. Jay(Wrong) made it, and I hear it’s not made out of kittens, amphibians, or anything from the Paleolithic era.

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IDP Rankings, Week 5: Aw, Here It Goes

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, IDP Report | 24 Comments

by: Kevin Kumpf

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 62.7% (2nd out of 21 Experts, 65.8% Highest, 43.6% Lowest).

The lede this week is, of course, an homage to one of my favorite childhood shows Keenan & Kel. After pairing on this show, All That, and the criminally underrated 1997 film Good Burger (Sinbad, Abe Vigoda AND Carmen Electra?), Keenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell unfortunately went their separate ways, Keenan to an improbably long career on SNL, and Kel to do the voice of the bulldog on Clifford the Big Red Dog. What does this have to do with IDPs you ask? Well another Keenan is making an improbable rise to the top, this time in Washington.

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Rankings, Week 5: Return of the Orton

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 94 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.4% (23rd out of 125 Experts, 60.0% Highest, 47.2% Lowest).

Week 4 Results: 56.5% (48th out of 128 Experts, 61.1% Highest, 42.8% Lowest).

Let me tell you folks, nothing gives me more glee than to see, for the first time ever, Kyle Orton available to rank. And then, of course, the actual rigorous process of ranking his greatness among all the other quarterbacks… just really hits the spot. Ties the room together, if you will. When he was released by the Cowboys last July, there was this immediate emptiness in my heart, like part of my soul was missing. Luckily, a quick trip to the liquor store solved that. But the fact still remained… my life needed, strike that, REQUIRED one of the best quarterbacks this generation has ever witnessed (in terms of alcoholic affinity) to be employed by a National Football League team. So when news was announced that he had signed with the Bills in August, I was jumping around like a giddy school girl, that is, if school girls could legally get drunk for breakfast. And you can only imagine what I did this week when news came out that he would once again be starting, taking over for the inconsistent E.J. Manuel…. if you answered: DRINKINGMOTHERF*CKERS, you would be correct, sirs and madams. Whatever you think of Kyle Orton, he’s certainly left his mark on me. On us. ON EVERYONE. Maker’s Mark that is…

And onto your Week 5 Rankings, NOW with more Kyle Orton…

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Ambulance Chasers, Week 5: Foster’s Freeze

October 1, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 40 Comments

by: SethDaSportsMan

We should all consider Week 4 a success. We escaped the quarter-season mark with nary a single catastrophic injury. I’m sure I just jinxed us, but in the NFL, if you can play out an entire week’s worth of games and keep your fantasy roster away from the IR, you, my friends, have won at life itself. Of course, there were a few injuries (Cecil Shorts, Teddy Bridgewater, Niles Paul), but not enough to warrant a rant over. So this week, we will discuss some previously injured players, who returned to the field or have made notable progress in their recoveries.

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