SNF, Week 5: Bengals vs. Patriots

Just in time for tonight’s prime time festivities, there are reports surfacing like leaky submarines (stay with me here) that “tension” exists between Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. If by tension you mean “sh*tty quarterback play”, then yes, I can see that.

Two sources told ESPN that former rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was drafted as Brady’s successor and the move could happen “sooner than later.” No source suggested that “sooner” would mean a change during the 2014 season.

So the question here is, what the heck does “soon” mean then? Soon to me is, like, soon. Not 365 days from now. Let’s figure out what these words actually mean before using them, yes?

Cincinnati, who could arguably be one of the best teams so far, brings in a well-balanced offensive attack, despite all the gingerness, not to mention a physical defense that has helped generated the only undefeated team in the AFC. Then again, the Bengals have a propensity to lay down in meaningful games, but lucky for them, this isn’t the playoffs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Week 5 Late Games: Bye Bye Bye Week

by: Jay

The surprising Cardinals (3-0) are set to take on the Broncos (2-1) after both teams enjoyed their byes. That sounds hot. Denver has been surprisingly pedestrian in a lot of ways so far this season, beating the Chiefs and Colts by a touchdown before the overtime loss against Seattle. There’s been no word as of yet if authorities have located Demaryius Thomas, but I’m assuming they are just doing what Peyton Manning has been doing and confusing which Thomas is which. No, it’s that one. No, not that one. That one. Wait, now I’m confused. The undefeated Cardinals, which is not an oxymoron, I swear, is still without Carson Palmer. But that’s okay if you have a defense that’s only allowing 15 points a game and just 2.9 yards per carry. Sorry Montee Ball owners. But don’t worry! Next week he’ll be going against the… Jets… ewww. Yeah, nevermind.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 Early Games: Questionabletron

October 5, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 94 Comments

by: Jay

The latest reports coming out of Detroit are expressing caution… ever since the mayor signed a deal with the mega-corportaion Omni Consumer Products (OCP) to run and control the underfunded police force. Obviously, the city itself is on the verge of total collapse and anarchy, due to financial ruin and a high crime rate. To help combat this, OCP, in partnership with Hasbro, has created Megatron, a sentient robotic lifeform that has the ability to transform between his robot shape and that of a 29 year old, 6’5″, 236 lbs wide receiver, who, because of some sort of ankle circuitry malfunction, is questionable to fight against the ED-209 at OCP HQ to save the Detroit Police force, and also continue making Matt Stafford look like a good quarterback in this Sunday’s game against the Bills.

And that’s how you take Robocop, Transformers, the Detroit Lions, and Fantasy Football news, mix them together, and produce hot, edible nerd sauce for most meats and garnishes. Call me, ladies.

Week 5 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Stats Machine, Week 5: The Full Nelson

October 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 16 Comments

by: malamoney

In the 1980s, Hulkamania was running wild in almost every household in America. Even today, nearly 30 years later, when my iPod shuffles to “Real American“, I get transported back to the days when I believed in “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan. I am far from ashamed to admit that the Hulkster was one of my childhood heroes. Back then, it was practically impossible not to be captivated by the World Wrestling Federation and its cast of real life superhero-like characters. From The Ultimate Warrior to King Kong Bundy. From Junkyard Dog to Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. And from Randy “Macho Man” Savage to Rowdy Roddy Piper. The list could go on and on. [Jay’s Note: Uhhhh, no mention of The Nature Boy Ric Flair? Tsk tsk…] Vince McMahon had built an empire that would entertain millions worldwide for decades to come.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Betting With Beddict, Week 5: Seahawks Looking to Scalp Washington

October 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 32 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Overall: 22-23-1, Week 4: 6-6-0.

Sorry to disappoint the millions of #Disgrace/Delight fans this week, but Beddict was moving from the “Beddict Penthouse” to “Beddict Manor”. With no internet, countless supplies to unpack, and a chicken coop for my baby, Beatrice, there was simply no time to put forth the proper effort into my Wednesday post. I was told the move would take three hours total… it took nine! Not even the Elder Gods could have foretold the savage beating my wallet endured. Kudos to those of you who are professional movers or have at some point worked for a moving company, for those men are soldiers of the highest order. We can chat about this another time, but feel free to come watch football with me in my new pad and watch some football anytime. Sky’s in my basement right now. “SKY!!!! It puts the lotion on the skin.”

A couple side notes here… Last week’s lock of the week, the Baltimore Ravens (-3), destroyed the Carolina Panthers as Steve Smith Sr. gave his old team the kind of pounding I haven’t witnessed since the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape. If we stop there, it would seem like I had a great week… A young man named Matt correctly pointed out that I didn’t seem to realize Oakland was playing in London this past week and not in their home stadium. If only my editor could not only fix my countless grammatical errors, but also do all of my research for me, maybe then, I’d be better at this. [Jay’s Note: Maybe!] Seriously though, that was amateurish of me and it will not happen again. That is, if Jay(Wrong) alerts me when and which teams are playing in London. [Jay’s Note: Sure thing! Here ya go…]

I didn’t get in my Thursday pick last week, and I changed my pick Philly/SF pick to San Francisco at the last minute, giving me a .500 record on the week. Normally, I’d be disheartened by such a performance, but that was before speaking with numerous sharps who seemed to have similar issues. Remember guys, if betting was easy, everybody would do it.

I hit Twitter multiple times with my Packers pick this week, as I was feeling blowout all the way. I also nailed my Matt Asiata prediction (of him scoring no more than 5 points). Unfortunately for me, I was forced to start Asiata everywhere, but you know what makes the pain from being bent over in fantasy go away, don’t you? Yeah, having some floozy from Tinder ride you like a pony with the bidet at full blast hitting that special spot. Winning money is another possible cure, and that’s the focus here, so let’s get to it. This is Betting With Beddict!!!!

The quest for the perfect week continues…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Start ’em and Sit ’em, Week 5: Davis’ Cup Runneth Over

October 4, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 34 Comments

by: SethDaSportsMan

“Start ’em and Sit ’em” was on hiatus last week as I made my way to Boston to catch Derek Jeter’s farewell game on Sunday. Things went well. Some random dude gave us a free parking pass when we were driving up to Fenway, Jeets got a hit in his last at bat, and I even caught a foul ball.

So did you miss me? (You’re supposed to say, “yes”). I’ll just assume you did, and we can all move on. Fantasy football didn’t stop for me just because I didn’t put out a Week 4 column. I never got off the saddle — well, maybe once to enjoy a warm bowl of chowdah. Hopefully you survived that hectic week of byes, and let’s keep on, keepin’ on to Week 5…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Handcuff Report, Week 5: The Walls Of Jerick-O

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 27 Comments

by: Geoff

I’m pinching myself right now, because I’m pretty sure we went an entire week without a running back of note getting injured, arrested, or abducted by Martians. BTW, always remember to capitalize Martians, because they are a specific type of being. Don’t be rude, show our brothers and sisters in universal existence the respect they deserve. Anywho, here we are in week 5 and things are starting to make more sense. Well everything except this coon skin cap I’m wearing. That makes no sense. As Jay mentioned in his rest of season rankings on Wednesday, we have enough of a sample size to make educated decisions as to what players have gained or lost value compared to their preseason expectations. For example, after another inactive status last week, I can say with some confidence that Bernard Pierce is droppable. Unfortunately, due to the flux and general injury risk of running backs, it’s tough to gauge who’ll be useful for more than a week or two at a time. This is why handcuffing has become an increasingly effective strategy for savvy players out there looking to keep the points coming from their running back position. With this in mind, today’s focus will be less on handcuffs with immediate value and more on handcuffs with great potential for rest of season and dynasty leagues.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On Pace, Week 5: Touch Donnell

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 27 Comments

by: malamoney

In hockey, three goals is called a hat trick. In basketball, three 3-pointers is 9 points. In baseball, three home runs is a monster day. In football, three touchdowns is now known as a touchdonnell! Surprisingly, there have already been 6 touchdonnells through the first 4 weeks of the NFL season. Julius Thomas in Week 1, Antonio Gates and Brandon Marshall in Week 2, none in Week 3, and Jamaal Charles, Matt Asiata and Larry Donnell this past week. Congratulations to all fantasy owners that reaped the rewards of these players’ performances, and my condolences to those that had them on their bench.

Those of you that have read some of my other posts will know that I am not a big fan of projections. At their core, they are the fantasy sports version of fortune telling, and I don’t know about you, but I consider anyone that claims to be able to look into a crystal ball or use tarot cards to predict the future, to be full of sh*t. I have studied the art of sleight of hand since I was about 13 and I can guarantee you that what a few might think is “magic”, is not. It’s the result of countless hours of practice, routining and misdirection. With that said, it might surprise a few of you that I am about to shuffle a deck of cards and make a few predictions of my own. However, instead of pulling some numbers out of my a** hat, I am going to use current stats to project future stats. It’s a little trick I like to call “on pace”.

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That was the Ponderest Ponder that Anyone Ever Pondered

October 3, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 67 Comments

by: Jay

Well, Thursday Night Football… what can I say? The average margin of victory was 28 points (and if I actually knew what math was, I’d have to guess it would probably be around 30 points now after last night’s game), and I still can’t figure out if these blow out games are boring… or just plain sad. One thing’s for sure, Thursday Night Football is where NFL parity goes to die. The Packers opened up the first half with five, I repeat, five 3-and-outs, but still managed to lead the game 28-0. The Vikings couldn’t reach their own 45-yard-line until late in the second quarter… and then, when they did, it was on a Matt Asiata run where the end result was a fumble. Because of course. And it only got worse from there. For example, I think the Vikings are still punting as you’re reading this.

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TNF: Vikings vs. Packers

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 75 Comments

by: Jay

While Teddy Bridgewater is technically a game time decision, Adam Schefter is reporting that the “signs point to him (Bridgewater) not playing tonight.” Which means that there’s a 50% chance that he’s playing, while there’s a 100% chance that Christian Ponder might play. THE SUSPENSE EVERYONE. Suffering a high ankle sprain in last Sunday’s surprising win against Atlanta (41-28), Bridgewater was held out of practice all week. Seeing as how this is the same injury that’s been ailing Jamaal Charles, I expect nothing less than three touchdowns and 90 rushing yards from the Minnesota quarterback tonight. But, if Ponder starts (UPDATE: Ian Rapoport has now confirmed that Ponder will be starting), that should be just as exciting. And by exciting, I mean like how watching two cars crash into each other is exciting. Remember, the Vikings are facing a Packers team fresh off a game against the Bears where they ended every single drive with at least a field goal attempt. Adding the cherry on top, the forecast is calling for a torrential rain storm that we haven’t seen the likes of since Darren Aronofsky’s Noah. So… should be derptastic fun for all folks…

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Streamers, Week 5: The Book of Eli

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 21 Comments

by: Nico

The last time we referenced a Denzel Washington movie in the title, things turned out pretty well… so I’m going to put my hands together and pray for a similar outcome. Hallelujah! Praise the Fantasy Overlord! Although he can’t harness Biblical powers, Eli Manning is your best overall streaming option for week 5. (Side note: Philip Rivers is the only QB that CAN harness Biblical powers, i.e. 2014). Before you stop reading, hear me out. Well, maybe I don’t blame you for leaving… I’d leave too… but if you’re willing to stay, there’s more to our streamers than just an Eli Manning recommendation. Last week in the Streamer Department, we nailed the 2nd overall defense (Miami), and a top-10 quarterback and kicker to boot (pun intended). That’s two solid weeks in a row! We’re looking to improve on that this week with the seven options below:

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Asinine Ninjas Seek Turf

October 2, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 12 Comments

by: Smokey

Yeah, if you figure out this week’s post theme just by the title, good for you. Well, in New Jersey, it’s good for you, but that’s neither here nor there. Still trying to figure it out, are ya? If you haven’t figured it out, the title is an anagram for this week’s spotlight dance, and by dance, I mean post. Because no one wants to battle me… maybe J-FOH, because we would all love to see that saga unfold. Would be better than when the TKO Crew battled Electro Rock under that bridge in that fictional piece of cinematographic genius called Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo. Well, if you gave up already, the clue I was going to give you was that you need to put a hyphen in there. I know that just gave it away… but this week’s feature is on an up-an-comer, sorta like Little Mac, and his name Is Austin Sefarin-Jenkins. The behemoth of a man who happens to play a fantasy relevant position and not an axe man in the world Lumber Jack Olympics. Why I like him this week is multi-faceted, and it starts with him playing the hapless Saints defense, and ends with him being a favorite of the baby giraffe known as Mike Glennon. Intrigued? Sure you are! Come on in for some punch and pie. Jay(Wrong) made it, and I hear it’s not made out of kittens, amphibians, or anything from the Paleolithic era.

Please, blog, may I have some more?