Handcuff Report, Week 4: Starters? We Don’t Need No Stinking Starters!

I’ve come to a conclusion about my draft strategy for next year. I’m not drafting any starting running backs. Nope! Only handcuffs in the later rounds for me. I won’t be fooled by you starting running backs and your supposed “talent”. Oh no siree, I’m moving on! In all seriousness though, what the hell is going on? The starters that haven’t been hurt, arrested, kidnapped, or shamed into retirement, haven ‘t been good. Anyone watch LeSean McCoy, Eddie Lacy, or Matt Forte lately? How is anyone winning in fantasy?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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RCL Update, Week 4: We Figured Out Yahoo! Yahoo!

by: Jay

And by we, I mean Rudy. There were apparently some issues with Yahoo (surprise!), and I’m sure you, the readers who are competing against each other in this year’s Razzball Commentator Leagues, have suffered greatly not knowing what’s going on in our little universe of fantasy football. I’m not quite sure how Rudy’s dark wizardry works, but from what I can gather, there was a problem reversing polarity on the duadnem colliflex inter-valve dilithium imbalance, causing the gravimetric continuum reciprocating-phase matrix to miss-align. AND THAT’S THE WORST BRO. Why? What a silly question. You know as well as I do that the tetryon matrix can’t take that kind of punishment. Too much alternating variance in the asymmetrical interface nutation, NAW WHAT I’M SAYIN’ DAWG? Word. Regardless, the issues have been resolved, and you can rest easy now, knowing that we have the 2014 RCL Master Standings ready to be presented to you. So follow me after the jump to figure out what’s going on in the RCL universe in the fourth week, for the first time. Or the first week in the fourth time. Time the week for the time on the fourth? Uhh. Right.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Battle Flex, Week 4: Good Bye “Week” to You

September 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 44 Comments

by: J-FOH

Jay went all Beatles in his ranks this week. I’m going all early 80’s MTV and say this is a Good Bye “Week” to You. Yes, this is a gift, not a problem. We got this bro! Have a beer and listen to me ramble for a minute. I can’t believe I remember watching this video when I was seven years old. I can’t believe I remember videos. I can’t believe I went to the “they don’t show videos anymore card”. Should I talk about my first portable audio cassette player that only had fast forward and weighed five pounds? No, it wasn’t a Sony, and therefore I can’t call it a Walkman. I turned 39 earlier this month and I have to say, I’m ready for my mid-life crisis car with T-tops. Last week I got back into form after that miserable Week 2. Lamar Miller and DeAndre Hopkins both won their battles, and I rested easy for once. I take this very seriously, at least the analysis part, because I want to help you win your week. I’m working real hard to give you my best effort when it comes to the tough calls you have to make.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And That was the Moment the Kirk Cousins’ Movement Died

September 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 84 Comments

by: Jay

So, that actually was about the most predictable outcome, if we’re basing it off of the complete 2014 Thursday Night Football catalog thus far. Needless to say, there were some takeaways from last night’s game that I want to share with you. FedEx field continues to look as solid as RG3’s knee. I have no idea how much longer Tom Coughlin can look that constipated, but 11 years is a magical feat. Get that man some prune juice, stat. Competent Eli Manning? First sign of the Apocalypse. Everyone okay with Jesus? Oh, and Kirk Cousins. Yeah… that happened. And by that, I mean four interceptions and a fumble. Let me tell you, I’ve heard of kissing cousins, but sh*tting the bed Cousins? That’s a new one. Well, like the old saying goes– “When Jermaine McBride gets an interception, the game is over”.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

TNF, Week 4, Giants vs. Washington Football Team

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 62 Comments

by: Jay

Can’t get more exciting than this folks. The battle for last place in the NFC East is up for grabs tonight, and I for one will be watching this game with bated breath, much like how I watch porn. Playing in a short week, Washington will be coming in with some personnel issues from a very physical game against the Eagles last Sunday. DeAngelo Hall has a ruptured left Achilles (which might actually improve the secondary), Brian Orakpo and Jason Hatcher are both out, along with Shawn Lauvao and Duke Ihenacho. If I were him, I would just retire, as being the Duke of Nachos seems to be one of the worthiest of life pursuits. The Giants come in a bit healthier, but that’s not saying much, seeing as they were only able to put a semi-complete game together against the hapless Texans. And I’m being friendly when I say semi. Regardless, when two teams in the NFC East get together to see who can derp the most, I usually assume it involves the Cowboys, but this match-up will do just fine.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Streamers, Week 4: 1 Little, 2 Little, 3 Little Cousins

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Roster Strategy | 27 Comments

by: Nico

If you’ve missed out on Razzball the last few days, shame on you! But if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll probably notice that Niles Paul, Larry Donnell, and Heath Miller have been suggested as waiver adds here. I could write something on each one of those guys, but I won’t recreate the wheel. However, I can’t help my love for Paul, so I’ll have to hope it’s mutual… and while I wait to find out, I’ll lay down some more pro-Paul stats below and suggest another option at TE who hasn’t been mentioned. Are you ready? …Garret Graham. Sh*t! You can find that write-up here.

Last week was a mild success in the Streamers Department. We hit two top-10 TE’s and the 7^th ranked QB. Let’s keep it rollin’!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What’s Happening… Dwayne?

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 32 Comments

by: Smokey

So, this week, we are doing a little Neil Diamond ‘Turn on Your Heartlight’, but using spotlight instead. And we’re using it on Dwayne Allen. Yeah, it’s okay to be still singing Neil. Shucks, I am as I continue to write this. So the tight end position has become a walking abyss of uselessness after the barrage of injuries have ransacked the rankings. All of these injuries actually catapult the value of Jimmy Graham into a different category. Don’t believe me? Go look, but I am definitely not waiting for you. I mean Graham was already there, and the rest of us who don’t own him are now suffering through the bye week fill-ins and injury replacements. That’s where Dwayne comes in, and goes Hey Hey Hey. Stick around as I give you some morsels of fantasy goodness that may convince you to join the smoke-show clan of the Hudson river.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

IDP Rankings, Week 4: Is This the Real Life?

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, IDP Report | 20 Comments

by: Kevin Kumpf

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 60.8% (7th out of 23 Experts, 64.5% Highest, 42.8% Lowest)

Week 3 Results: 61.4% (6th out of 24 Experts, 65.0% Highest, 44.5% Lowest)

After a week off with post-wedding festivities, I’m snapping back to reality this week with a look at the contenders and pretenders so far in 2014. We’ve seen breakouts from no-names, bounce-backs from fallen stars and a flurry of injuries ranging from torn Achilles to disastrous Discount Double Checks. So what’s real and what’s not? Let’s take a closer look and see.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 4: You Say Hello, I Say Good Bye Weeks. (Get it? Get it? Oh, You Get it…)

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 140 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.7% (31st out of 133 Experts, 61.4% Highest, 49.1% Lowest).

Week 3 Results: 57.4% (88th out of 128 Experts, 67.1% Highest, 44.3% Lowest).

I have to relay the breaking news people. The Cardinals, Bengals, Browns, Broncos, Seahawks, and Rams are missing this week. Somewhere out there, a zookeeper is shedding one tear. (Animals can be brown, so it technically works. Shut up.) But don’t worry everyone, this was supposed to happen. No search parties are necessary. Why? Two reasons– First, this was all planned, as we have reached the first bye week in the 2014 schedule, and teams need a break after just three games. (Hmmm.) Second, I can actually see Peyton Manning’s forehead from my house. So don’t worry, they’re still around, but will just be there on Sunday in spirit. I’m reading that sentence and still trying to figure out the existential meaning of it all. Life bro, it keeps on a happening. I mean, why is Grape Nuts cereal called that? It contains neither grapes, nor does it contain nuts… whoa. WHOA. Now, onto the rankings! With more bye! (That’s hot.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Disgraces and Delights, Week 4: Le’Veon Bell is the Best Running Back and That’s a Fact

September 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 165 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, the Godfather of sexual mischief and fantasy football knowledge alike, here to continue this storied tradition that we here at Razzball refer to as, Disgrace/Delight. We’re on a word count this week so we better get right to it. I will continue to cover film and television but we had too much football and not enough space this week and for that, I apologize. Okay, let’s get on with it then! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ambulance Chasers, Week 4: Sorry to Break Up the Pitta Party

September 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 16 Comments

by: SethDaSportsMan

Fantasy football ain’t for the faint of heart. This is real sh*t right here. Injuries happen. You can’t avoid them. I can’t remember the last time I owned a fantasy team, in any sport, that didn’t suffer a huge loss due to injury. Part of being a successful fantasy football owner is how you handle those injuries. You can’t sulk and say, “That’s it. My season’s over.” No way. Get on the waiver wire. Make some trades. Fight till the end. No one likes a quitter. My boy DMX said it best: either put up or shut up!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Who Are These Guys?, Week 4: The Wack Pack

September 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 21 Comments

by: malamoney

Hey now! Baba Booey fantasy footballers.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern show for the better part of the last 20-something years, and I can proudly say that the show has shaped my definition of humor. Anyone who thinks that fart jokes or any other expression of toilet humor is not funny is either lying or uptight, and is someone I’d prefer not to associate with unless life dictates that I must. While many of this generation will recognize Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent, he will forever be known to me as Fartman, and the man that has made me laugh innumerable times. Howard Stern has entertained millions and has paved the professional path for so many ungrateful others. Those that think he is a just a rude and obnoxious disc jockey obviously have no idea who Howard Stern really is. Stern is an intellect. He is honest, original and the deeply opinionated loud mouth voice of many who justifiably describes himself as “The King of All Media”.

But one thing that Howard Stern is not, is a sports fan. He likely knows less about fantasy football than Beetlejuice, or anyone else in the show’s renowned wack pack. Howard would hate fantasy football for the mere fact that it means his staff is not as focused on their jobs as he’d prefer them to be during the NFL season. Howard has taken a ton of criticism with regards to his portrayal of the members of the wack pack. Many will say that he treats them like players that don’t even belong in a league’s player pool, let alone the waiver wire. That couldn’t be further from true. Howard appreciates them for their inability to understand why they are special (funny) and in the real world, and after Robin, Fred, and Gary, they would be his top round picks. However, in the real world, we would never draft our super-deep sleepers anywhere near the early rounds of a draft. If you did, you’d be severely handicapping your team. Or would you?

Please, blog, may I have some more?