malamoney

Who Are These Guys?, Week 4: The Wack Pack

September 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 21 Comments

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Hey now! Baba Booey fantasy footballers.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern show for the better part of the last 20-something years, and I can proudly say that the show has shaped my definition of humor. Anyone who thinks that fart jokes or any other expression of toilet humor is not funny is either lying or uptight, and is someone I’d prefer not to associate with unless life dictates that I must. While many of this generation will recognize Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent, he will forever be known to me as Fartman, and the man that has made me laugh innumerable times. Howard Stern has entertained millions and has paved the professional path for so many ungrateful others. Those that think he is a just a rude and obnoxious disc jockey obviously have no idea who Howard Stern really is. Stern is an intellect. He is honest, original and the deeply opinionated loud mouth voice of many who justifiably describes himself as “The King of All Media”.

But one thing that Howard Stern is not, is a sports fan. He likely knows less about fantasy football than Beetlejuice, or anyone else in the show’s renowned wack pack. Howard would hate fantasy football for the mere fact that it means his staff is not as focused on their jobs as he’d prefer them to be during the NFL season. Howard has taken a ton of criticism with regards to his portrayal of the members of the wack pack. Many will say that he treats them like players that don’t even belong in a league’s player pool, let alone the waiver wire. That couldn’t be further from true. Howard appreciates them for their inability to understand why they are special (funny) and in the real world, and after Robin, Fred, and Gary, they would be his top round picks. However, in the real world, we would never draft our super-deep sleepers anywhere near the early rounds of a draft. If you did, you’d be severely handicapping your team. Or would you?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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DraftKings: Taking The Jags To Brown Town

September 24, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, DraftKings | 137 Comments

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Sometimes obvious happens. Other times, cheap happens. Sometimes obvious and cheap happen at the same time and you get a great cash play or GPP play depending on how you build your roster. To put it mildly, Donald Brown is in a great position to succeed on Sunday. The Jags have been completely run over this season *pun not intended but now that I look at it, I’m quite proud of it*. To be fair, the Jags have been destroyed at nearly every position offensively so far as they rank at or near the bottom against opposing QBs, WRs, and TEs on the year as well but I’m gonna focus on the things that make this call mesh for me. You see, for as much as we talk of Philip Rivers, his odd faces, his multitude of children and his bolos, we seem to forget one thing: he ain’t just chucking anymore. Now this isn’t to say he’s not getting his but the Chargers are a clock-managing team. They are forcing their opponent to make due with small chunks of time, putting pressure on opposing offenses to produce with a limited window and they’re doing this by running the ball. San Diego only trails Houston and Cincinnati in rushing attempts on the year with 98 and last week, Brown rushed the ball 31 times. Yes, yes, he only gained 62 yards but I would hang that on the Bills actually being a decent defense more so than the inability of Donald. And now with Danny Woodhead out for the season, the backfield will be his to own until Ryan Mathews grows an extra ‘t’ in his last name. Now I can’t promise he gets the 36 total touches he got last week but I do think he’ll do most of the heavy lifting and that a 35+ touch game is NOT out of the question for Donald as he and the team know when Mathews comes back, he’ll have time to recoup. So come with me as we take the Jags to Brown Town…hey, not THAT Brown Town. It’s in San Diego where Donald plays. What did you think I meant? Gross, let’s move on. Here are my hot takes for week 4 on DraftKings…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew Nordmeier

Waiver Wired, Week 4: Donald Brown is the New Powder Blue

September 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Waiver Wire | 80 Comments

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As if the injuries weren’t bad enough, now we get to add in bye weeks to the train wreck known as Fantasy Football in 2014. This week, you’re missing Arizona, St. Louis, Seattle, Denver, Cleveland and Cincinnati to pile on with the problems. Let’s dive in and see who can help your team out on a bumpy Week 4.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jennifer

Hit it or Quit it, Week 4: My Tight End Ertz!

September 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 24 Comments

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Welcome back, my lovelies! As anticipated, this week has not fared any better for our gladiators of the gridiron. My black widow curse appears to have caused more injuries, and thereby claimed some more man souls for my glass trophy case. Don’t blame me; I stash them away for later. A girl has to eat, right? I can honestly say that this has been one of the most injury-heavy starts to an NFL season that I have ever bared witness to. How bad you ask? Well, it’s so bad, that players who have retired are now coming OUT of retirement and resigning with their previous teams. Really, James Harrison? Really?? Forget last call. We are now so desperate for starters that we have turned to the fantasy football version of online dating and are taking whatever is thrown at us in a desperate attempt to eke out some action. But, much like some of the creeps, weirdos, and freak show-quality genetic anomalies you find on online dating sites, we have learned that desperation leads to shame and regret. And shame and regret are two things that many of us are feeling right about now. So, with that, I give you this week’s Hit it or Quit it, with the hopes that you won’t need to drink away your shame with bootleg moonshine you made in your pappy’s bathtub.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

The Marshall Plan

September 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 160 Comments

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ditka

I would say the Marshall Plan was a smashing success in an attempt to combat Soviet Communism back in 1948. Why Chicago was trying to invest $17 billion in aid to Europe last night was anyone’s guess, but that plan would have probably netted more yardage than Brandon Marshall. Despite the game looking somewhat unspectacular on paper (like how the Jets are not as bad as you would think, if you only look at them on paper), the game turned out to be what I expected last night, a dramatic and entertaining game mixed in with plenty of derp for good measure. The Derpmating, if you will. And while the Jets are a mistake-prone football team, their secondary did a good job against a vastly superior Chicago receiving core along with another strong effort from their front seven. The only problem is that the Bears were able to take advantage of those mistakes, even with their entire secondary dying in the second half.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

MNF, Week 3: Bears vs. Jets

September 22, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 15 Comments

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Uhhhhh… are you pointing at me? That look feels like sexual assault…

The tale of how these teams fared last week couldn’t be more opposite than actual Jets and actual Bears. Missiles and salmon bro… totally different. Trailing by 17 before the half, the Chicago Bears rallied on the road in the 49ers home opener, probably causing at least three stabbings in the parking lot. On the flip side, the Jets led the hapless 2014 Packers 21-3 before the half, before they proceeded to do the Jetsiest thing imaginable and lose 31-24. The cherry on top was a 37-yard touchdown that would have brought them within one point with five minutes to go, but was negated by a Jets timeout. Mmmmm, so Jetsy. Will we get a combination of both dramatics and derpiness for tonight’s Monday Night Football game? With Jay Cutler and Geno Smith, anything is possible folks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

Every Fantasy Player You Own is Either Injured or Doing Poorly

September 22, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 119 Comments

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So, if you don’t know what to make of this year so far, join my club. I just started it, but looking at the numbers… yes, it appears the entire Earth is already a member. There are so many fascinating and ridiculous and unfortunate and just plain dumb things happening all around us this year, it’s no wonder that Wes Welker took a Molly. Wait a second… WHAT IF WE’RE ALL ON MOLLY? It’s almost as if Rust Cohle is writing my life at the moment. “Someone once told me, ‘Time is a flat circle.’ Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.” Alright-alright-alright. I’ll be sure to tell my grand kids about that. In the meantime, I’ll have to seek out some kind of solution as how to grasp the events that this season has wrought upon us all. I hear whiskey is nice this time of the year…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

SNF, Week 3: Steelers vs. Panthers

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 24 Comments

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life_g_carfan_576

I honestly can’t tell you why the Steelers are getting the Sunday Night Football treatment, it’s like this is 2008 or something, especially on a day where there was a rematch of 48 (XXLLVXLIIIX32jlsg84dfg as the Romans called it). But we get to see Big Ben HARF HARF HARF his way through a game against Cam Netwon and his wonder ribs. Which makes me hungry for ribs. Much was said in the preseason about how Cam Newton’s receiver core was a downgrade. I believed the talk a little bit, seeing as how he didn’t have an eligible receiver join the team up until a few months ago. All kidding aside, I wouldn’t say that the receiver corps has downgraded too much, and Greg Olsen is still there to make my projections pee a little, so really, I would call Carolina an average to an above average NFL football team. Which means the Steelers should only lose by, like, four touchdowns…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

Week 3 Late Games: Super Bowl Rematch? I Had No Idea.

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 4 Comments

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Merry-Football-Sunday

If you’ve been able to survive the narrative process for this game, which started back when 2014 NFL Schedule was released, we’ve finally made it. The rematch of all rematches from a Super Bowl game that was pretty boring (especially if you’re from Portland). To be honest, I can’t really remember anything after the Broncos snapped safety. That being said, there was plenty of Broncos derp and Manningface (which evolved into Manningsulk) to last a lifetime, so for another chance at something similar… sure, I’ll watch.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay

Week 3 Early Games: Remember That One Time When Everyone Was Injured?

September 21, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 125 Comments

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“When was that?”

Well, you should remember, as it was only last week where 97% of the all ACL’s in the NFL collectively exploded. I’m no doctor, so I had no idea that modern medicine was able to take an athlete, who was expected to be out 5-8 weeks, to practicing a few days after his injury, and might actually be playing in today’s game. I’m obviously talking about Jamaal Charles, but he’s not the only one who was affected by this dark wizardry insta-heal. In fact, the only player that seems to have been left out from this wonderful era in medicine appears to be Ryan Mathews.

F*ck me, right?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
LT Murray IV

Betting with Beddict, Week 3: Momma Said There’d be Days Like This

September 20, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Buy/Sell | 56 Comments

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Welcome to the first official installment of Betting With Beddict. Exciting, I know. Last week, I included my picks for the week and was obliterated, going 5-11. Since it wasn’t an official BWB post, we shouldn’t count it. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Obviously, I don’t, or wouldn’t bet on each and every single game, as that’s for the rich and stupid. Beddict is in the stay-rich business, and what hurts the most is that the three teams I believed in most of all totally let me down. I believed Seattle [Jay’s Note: LOL], San Fran, and Miami to be full on locks, and was quickly humbled like Ray Rice when thousands of fans lined up to return their Rice jerseys on Friday… or like Christian Slater when he tries to go straight into nightclubs through the VIP line and gets choke slammed and left convulsing on the concrete. Sports gambling is a roller coaster, and if you’re truly taking it seriously, you can’t do what I did a few years ago and just starting betting on every single sporting event that’s going to be on TV. Don’t go there, trust me. I ended up in small village in Nicaragua, sucking the toes and taint of a drug lord’s wife, only so he’d spare my life. After completing my 3 year bid of red eye punching, I returned to the states and usually only picked a few games to throw down on, but you’ll get my take on every game and hopefully it helps you out in some way shape or form. As a bonus, my posts are extremely entertaining (debatable), so at the very least, you’re getting an extra serving of Beddict, and that’s nothing to turn your nose up at.

Please, blog, may I have some more?