It was a dark and stormy morning. Aspiring fantasy writer Jerry Janiga sang the body electric at his typewriter, the words flowing through him. It was his fantasy football manifesto, “Catch Without Kickers.” He pulled out a notepad from his hotel drawer and quickly scrawled notes over its surface. Beneath the Holiday Inn Express branding, he sketched out his ideas for a winning team with Sam Darnold at quarterback. 

“ESPRESSO!” Jerry shouted out, waking the other inhabitants of the room from their slumber. 

On the double queen beds slept The Joey Wright and The Mick Ciallela, reunited again after losing each other just before the cutline. Joey stretched out, the tail of his Pikachu onesie pajamas intruding on the space of his one-time rival and current confidant. Mick, as always, slept in a velour tracksuit. “In case the Lions need me,” he always said.

“You get the espresso machine going,” Mick said, “I’ll get the hot plate ready for omelettes.” 

“I still don’t understand why we can’t get the continental breakfast,” Joey asked, pulling a Nespresso out of a piece of luggage and putting it on a table. 

“Genius needs support,” Jerry said. He crumpled his Sam Darnold paper into ball and threw it in the trash. “And genius doesn’t eat food from a serving tray!” Jerry shouted to the air. He began a new sketch with Jimmy Garoppolo at the top. On a second sheet, he wrote “Kittle,” and on a third sheet he wrote “Deebo.” He put them on top of each other. “The perfect stack,” Jerry smiled to himself. 

“But why us?” Joey asked. 

Mick stepped in. “Will that be a quail egg or robin egg omelette today?” 

Jerry tapped his pencil. David Montgomery, RB1, he wrote. “Quail egg. Do you think I’m a barbarian?” Mick returned to the hot plate without a word. 

Joey put his hand down on Jerry’s paper, stopping him from writing Taysom Hill, TE. “Why us, Jerry?” Joey said. “Why not, Yancy? I mean, he’s the social one.” 

Jerry dropped his pencil, the lead snapping against the table like Corey Linsley to Aaron Rodgers. “I told you, the Razzbowl has weird cutline rules. There’s no Week 13 lineups. You’re supposed to stay away from the internet for one week. Tournament rules.” 

“So this tournament like one of those superstitious buildings?” Mick chimed in, cracking a small egg into a bowl. 

“Exactly,” Jerry said. “So, the typewriter, the notepad, and no cellphones. You can’t talk to anybody. Tournament rules. There is no week 13.” 

Luckily Joey always traveled with his Criterion Collection of Jurassic Park DVDs. He popped one in the hotel’s DVD player and laid back to watch while Mick served tiny omelettes to the crew. 

Joey, full of omelette and dinosaur knowledge, sat up in bed. “Thanks for forgiving me when I tied you to the bed and stole the Razzbowl trophy from you, Jerry.” 

“No problem,” Jerry responded. “Forgive and forget, right?” He began typing again. 

“Say, Jerry, you said you were writing your manifesto this week. Why isn’t there any paper in that typewriter?” Joey said, coming closer. 

Mick had finished cleaning the omelettes and unplugged the hot plate, but he smelled something burning. He looked up and down, sure that he had followed the Chinese instructions on the clearance-bin hot plate to the letter of Google Translate. 

Jerry turned to Joey. J-to-J. Mano a mano. QB1 to QB 3. “It’s in my head,” Jerry said, “Like the rosters to Tecmo Bowl. Bo Jackson, off-tackle left, touchdown every time.” 

The words made Joey sweat. No, it wasn’t the words. He was, indeed, hot. 

Mick noticed, but it was too late. His finger pointed toward the espresso machine, over-pressurized, over-heated, and $4,000 over-priced. All it took was one tail from a Pikachu onesie to disrupt the frothing mechanism. 

If Mick hadn’t already cracked the eggs, the exploding espresso machine would have done the deed. 

With rich Italian steel and fine ground dark roast shattering like a supernova through the room, Jerry’s typerwriter crashed to the ground. His perfect Garappolo stack crashed to the ground. The Razzbowlers, knocked unconscious by the caffeinated luxury machine. 

Joey awoke first. The teal glow was right in front of his eyes. NFC. Razzbowl. In the carcass of the typewriter, a phone glowed, connected to the NFC website. The Week 13 scores in the Razzbowl graced the screen. Jerry Janiga, first place. 

It was never forgive and forget. Jerry had trapped his biggest competitors in the the grandest ruse of their fantasy lives. 

Mick awoke, wiping coffee grounds from his tracksuit. “Coach is gonna be so mad!” Mick said. 

“You mean football coach, right?” Joey said. 

“Of course,” Mick followed up. He waved Joey to the hotel room door. “We gotta go. Continental breakfast is done in 15 minutes. The sausages are probably dry but there’s a waffle bar.” 

Joey looked at Jerry, who was still unconscious. He took the slip of paper that said “Garappolo” and put it over Jerry’s eyes. He picked up the phone and put Frank Gore in Jerry’s starting lineup. Grabbing his DVD from the player, Joey powered down the TV and unplugged it from the wall. 

“Let’s go Mick,” Joey said. “We’ve got a semi-trailer full of fantasy footballers to find.” 

Week 13 Cutline

What is up friends? We’re soooooo close to the end of the Razzbowl, and we’re at the point where the cutline is chopping like half of the competition every week. So, if you’ve been with us the whole way, I want to say a hearty “thank you” and “come back soon” for Razzbowl 3.0 sometime next year. If you’ve appreciated what Donkey Teeth did with organizing this event or what I’ve done with narrating it in a wild fashion, please grab a premium subscription from baseball, football, or basketball, or buy a shirt, or tell a friend, or drop a comment and let us know how you’re doing. 

I mean, I know how I’m doing, but what I want to know is how you’re doing. If you’re still with us, it means one of two things: A) you’re in your fantasy football playoffs, or B) you like the writing and just show up for that. Hopefully it’s both! 

In the Razzbowl main event, Jerry Janiga holds on to the #1 spot for the second week in a row by a 16 point margin. He’s followed by YHNYDad in 2nd place and Joey Wright in 3rd place. What’s most astounding is that one-time leader Mick Ciallela dropped as low as 40th place in Week 10 — well below the championship cutline threshold — before climbing all the way back to 6th place this week. It’s also worth noting that the top 10 features one of the wild card “promotions” — Earl English — who went from first in the wild card bracket last week to fifth overall. Cheers to you Earl! Hope your season is tip-top!

What happens now is another harrowing cut, but instead of 30 teams from the championship bracket, we’re taking 20 championship teams into Week 14, and 4 wild card teams will join them. After week 14’s games, we will bring 14 championship teams and 2 wild card teams along. It’s cutting so hard, it’s like My Chemical Romance made this contest! 

If you need a refresher on the rules, they’re here, and the real summary is: score the most points. 

As for myself, I’m done quarterback ranking for the football season but you’ll see this weekly article until the Razzbowl champion is crowned. Otherwise, catch me over in the basketball section of Razzball, where I’ll be doing some player highlights, or in the baseball section, where I do pitcher rankings. 

Happy holidays everybody, stay safe, and don’t get cut!