In an interview with some guy somewhere, Kurt Cobain explained that his song ‘Penny Royal Tea’ was ‘…about a person who’s beyond depressed; they’re in their death bed, pretty much.’ I’m pretty sure that describes most of Kurt’s songs, but that’s beyond the point. As I begin to look at the fallen – like ‘dola – or the barely theres – like Roddy – ya have to start looking around for someone out there to fill the void before you start trying to make your own fantasy abortifacient (word of the day!). Well look no further for a shot at that as Eddie Royal just can’t seem to avoid the end zone right now. After having a 3 catch, 2 TD performance last Monday night against the Houston Texans for a measly 24 yards, it was pretty easy to write him off as a one week fluke; the Kevin Ogletree of 2013, if you will. But then he went and did this: 7 catches for 90 yards to go with 3 more scores. That’s a monstrous games no matter what angle you come at it from. But there is one angle I’d like to mention here: that Eagles secondary is bordering on non-existent. I thought their defense would get a chance to bare down and take apart this Chargers offense after their own offense turned the tides quickly on them but they held their own most of the day and it was in no small part thanks to Royal on that front. Moving forward, Eddie is looking like an immediate pickup but faces a fairly tough challenge in the Titans next week (I can’t believe I typed that). If I’m scrambling for WR depth and have been sitting on upside that has been turned upside down, here’s your chance at redemption. It’s time to make your team feel like Royalty. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news from week 2…
Aaron Rodgers – I’m not gonna talk about him much this year for the plain and simple reason we already knew what he could do coming into the season. But after 480 passing yards and 4 TDs, I had to say something so…fuzzy buttons. There, I said something.
Michael Vick – Had 428 passing yards, 2 passing touchdowns and 1 rushing touchdown on 23 yards. Also got WWE’d to the ground late and had to be pulled for Foles on a crucial late red zone play. Fantasy-wise, the world is shaping up for Vick to have the perfect season: a hurry up offense with great weapons surrounding him and a defense that gives up points just as fast so he never has to sit down.
Sam Bradford – After a 352 yard, 3 TD, 1 INT game, Bradford is on pace for 5,208, 40 touchdowns and 16 INTs. I don’t know if I mentioned this but I liked him coming into the season…shoot, really wish I had told you. Oh wait, I did with my Sam Bradford Sleeper post!
Philip Rivers – Trying to prove waiting on QB in fantasy is the way to go (419/3/0). I just listed the top 4 QBs in scoring heading into the Sunday night game in a row here. How many of them did you have to draft in the first 4 rounds? Exactly.
Mike Wallace – Was very frustrated with his lack of involvement after last week’s game. I think someone heard you, Mike (9/115/1). If Tannehill can get it going with Wallace while Lamar Miller shows up like this (14/69/1 and 2/6), this offense is going to be very underrated good moving forward.
DeSean Jackson – DeSean is DeOne DeVick goes to: 9/193/1 on 15 targets. DeOnly question is whether or not DeVick stays DeUpright the rest of the way to keep making this happen. Oh and LeSean McCoy…he’s still good.
James Starks – Stepped in when Lacy went down with a concussion early and had the first 100 yard rushing game the Packers have had in what I believe to be 45 contests. Why, exactly, couldn’t you do this last year Starks, when we thought you’d be a sleeper? In fairness, it was the Redskins whose defense has now given up 71 points and the offense has been shaky as well. The Lions come to town next week. I expect offensive fireworks and a Kid Rock siting. Bah Wit Da Bah, kids!
Dez Bryant – I thought he was hurt worse then he was so I moved him outside my top 15. So of course he starts the game as the first 5 passes by Tony Romo for 5/100/1 and finished the game with 9/141/1 on 13 targets. Dez really nize, Bryant. Real nize.
Jamaal Charles – Still hasn’t had that big game (103 total yards, 8 receptions and a touchdown) but he hasn’t exactly been the worst RB to pick up in the first round so far. That’s my way of saying ‘eh, I’ll take it but I’m waiting for more’.
CJ Spiller – Had 103 yards on 16 carries and 26 yards on 4 receptions. Where’s the touchdown?!? *Looks around frantically* Oh silly me, FJax had it the whole time! This is a frustration you just might have to live with. Like why you can’t fart when you’re out-frickin-side with your girl but she can take a crap with the bathroom door open. Life’s just not fair sometimes.
Maurice Jones-Drew – Left the game with an ankle issue after ‘shredding’ Oakland for 27 yards on 10 carries. Yuck sticker. Neither of my Jags calls really worked out how I expected them too, though at least Shorts day was respectable (8/93). That’s what I get for Jagging while others jig. Is Tebow still available? I can’t believe I typed that. Send these guys to London, this is worse than soccer!
Danny Amendola – Suffered torn abductor muscles which might mean a sports hernia and surgery which could mean he’s out for 4 weeks which in ‘dola time means week 11. I’m only half kidding. I seriously have this guy everywhere this year. I’ll do whatever I can to save you Danny! I’ll even give your groin mouth to mouth if it needs it! Wait, that sounds terrible! Crap, the backspace button isn’t working! CTRL+ALT+DEL.
Knowshon Moreno – Was leading all Running Backs in scoring heading into the Sunday night game. Meanwhile, Montee fumbled the ball on goal to go into the end zone early on in the game. I’m not laughing all the way to the bank on my Montee hate this Fall as I only have shares of Moreno in two leagues and only started him in one. In the other, I started MJD over him. Go me. Moving forward, Moreno isn’t that good and still won’t be that good but like Little Ceasar’s Pizza, it’s still pizza and you’ll still eat it if it’s there.
Ahmad Bradshaw – With Ballard out for the year, the Colts said Bradshaw would get the majority of carries and it worked out just fine (15/65/1 on the ground and 3/19 via the air). Lines like this are what you should come to expect with his majority backfield share moving forward. If that doesn’t excite you then I seriously question why you drafted him. And because he doesn’t deserve his own blurb, that goes doubly for Rashard Mendenhall (15/66/1 and 2/28).
Arian Foster – For a guy who wasn’t too happy about his timeshare, he didn’t really outrun his competition today. Sure, the end-line looks nice (19/79/1 with a 2 point conversion) but most of his yardage came late when the Titans just couldn’t hold the line after a day of conservative Locker behind them. At one point, if I’m not mistaken, Foster was toting close to 3.0 ypc. Meanwhile, Tate ended the day with only 9 touches but they went for 93 on the ground. Couple that with the Texans defense not looking like the top end defense they’ve been touted as – and keep in mind this defense has been struggling now since about mid-way through 2012 – and I don’t know how many grind it out weeks Foster is going to get moving forward. Still an RB1 but he’s not the top 3 back everyone was calling him coming into the season if you ask me. I know you didn’t ask me. I’m still telling you.
Matt Forte – Had 161 total yards with 11 (!?!) receptions. Forte as a PPR stud isn’t anything new, of course. Neither is him not scoring a TD. All Matt’s fortes were at the forefront today.
James Jones – I had a donut in the boxscore last week? I gotcha donut right here! That last sentence reads really well if you do it in a New York accent while tugging on boy parts/girl parts. JJ decided he didn’t need to score a touchdown to be fantasy relevant Sunday, nabbing 11 catches for 178 yards. Heading into Sunday night’s game, he was the 10th highest scoring receiver in standard. Cobb was 8th. Nelson was 7th. Meanwhile Finley was 6th amongst TEs. Need I reiterate that the ‘skins defense looks bad?
Julius Thomas – Thought he might have a quieter week this week after his week 1’s explosion. He did, but I wouldn’t call it silent (6/47/1). Maybe silent but deadly, but Orange Julius is looking more and more delicious. Wish mom woulda slung me a couple bucks to buy one…
Martellus Bennett – I’m completely surprised and willing to admit my wronginess here. Bennett is a top 12 TE after 7/76/2. I’m still patting my back about Pettigrew, though, and you can’t stop me. But only because you’re not here. Ok I’ll stop now.
Greg Olsen – Who else is Cam gonna throw to? That offense looks more messed up then Lil’ Kim after all those surgeries. Does she have Asian relatives? Or perhaps she’s related to the Jackson family? Regardless, Olsen finished with 7/84/1 and is looking like a solid top 10 TE the rest of the way.
Chris Givens – No, he didn’t score a touchdown (5/105). Both of those went to Tavon Austin (6/47/2) but I’d like to take this moment to point out Chris Givens Sleeper post saying he’d be like Torrey Smith (7/85) but much cheaper…yup.
DeAndre Hopkins – Seems to be doing fine after the concussion scare in preseason (7/117/1 on 10 targets). Gotta think that some of these targets would’ve gone to Andre Johnson (8/76 on 13 targets) if he weren’t dealing with concussion symptoms of his own. In either case, as I mentioned in Foster’s blurb, this defense doesn’t look the same and could lead to a lot more passing then we’re used to seeing out of the Texans. If any owner out there is just sitting there with DH on the bench or doesn’t realize this, jump in.
Julio Jones – Roddy White is a very good decoy, apparently (11/182/1). How the Rams let this man get loose knowing full well that White was limited and after SJax left with a thigh bruise is beyond me. I wish I could sing me and Julio down by the school yard but I own him nowhere so instead I’ll sing ‘Sounds of Silence’. BTW, I’m not entirely certain but something tells me if the game were closer, SJax would’ve come back. But of course, I started him and MJD in one league so he didn’t have to. Of course…in either case, if you’re looking for the handcuff, I’m gonna surprise you: it’s Jason Snelling. Ok, maybe it didn’t surprise you more then make you throw up but hey I can’t help it if you have zero gag reflex. That’s what she said! Wait, what?
Ray Rice – Left the game with a strained left hip flexor. Most likely won’t miss any time but if he DOES miss time it gives me the chance to Huey Lewis this news: It’s Hip to B. Pierce.
Larry Fitzgerald – Only had 2 receptions on 5 targets for 33 yards as Fitz’ groin was giving him fits. When the pun fits you find ways to fit it in when dealing with Fitz. See? It fits! Moving forward I’m not overly concerned due to Larry’s track record. I mean, it’s not like he’s ‘dola…my God I’ve never hated a man’s groin so much.
David Wilson – Let’s see, how should I spin this? He scored you plus points this week! Yeah, but he only scored me 1. Ok, but he didn’t fumble! Only because he ran like he was holding a bomb that would detonate if he so much as moved a pinky off of it.  Well fine, you’re just gonna stay negative, I see. He’s still the most talented player the Giants have in their backfield and that statement stands even when Andre Brown returns. At some point, reality has to set in and make it all come together (right? RIGHT?!?). Until then, if you’re an owner you’re just gonna have to bench him. Unless you wanna give him to me for Roy Helu.
Calvin Johnson – Scored not just one but two touchdowns. The refs must not have got the ‘take all Megatron scores back on technicalities’ memo. Like after your 7th beer, let’s hope the seal has been broken on CJ and the EZ.
Pierre Garcon – Had a monster day with 143 and a touchdown on 8 receptions via 13 targets. I don’t know how I don’t own more shares of Peter Waiter. Really think he’s a top 15 wide out as long as health doesn’t elude him with major upside to top 10. I’d lament in French if I knew how but unfortunately I only know cuss words. Baiser!
T.Y. Hilton – The derps on the Colts coaching staff said this week, ‘ya know, we should get that TY kid involved’. After 6 for 124, this is all I have. I was worried that T.Y. was gonna make me T_T this season but now I’m feeling =D.
Doug Martin – Had 29 carries for 144 yards to lead the NFL in rushing on Sunday but didn’t score. That was left up to Kevin Ogletree as TB only had one offensive touchdown all day. I still dig Doug but c’mon….Ogletree?
Reggie Bush – Went down with a tweaked knee which isn’t ask sexy as a twerked knee unless you’re Miley Cyrus. In that case, tweak it all you want. We all knew Reggie was gonna have some injuries here and there, but we all prayed it wouldn’t happen week 2. If he’s out for any extended time, his backup is pretty darn good in Joique Bell. I’d tell you to pick him up but he’s not out there and we all know that. Go back to your beer. It’s my 9th! Save a few for Monday after the MRI. I can’t feel my legs. That’s funny, neither can Reggie.
Steve Johnson – He’s quietly doing what he always does even with a new QB (8/111/1). He’s the WR2 that no one wants to have because he’s boring but at the end of the day you’re happy you have him…until the next week when you want to sit him for Austin Pettis.
Ted Ginn – Had 8 targets. Carolina, you’re doing it wrong.
Marshawn Lynch – Went full Beastmode tonight, rushing for 98 yards and added 37 yards on 3 receptions and tallied 3 total touchdowns. Meanwhile, the 49ers got the D. Not that D. That’s gross. This is a family website! The Seahawks get the Jaguars next week at home. If this San Fran offense could only get 3 points up there, I shudder to think what those Jags will do. Is it possible to score negative points? No? Could we make an exception?
