NBC asked Obama to speak last night just so sports fans would switch to the NBC Sports Network for the first time ever. Also, judging from the timeslot, I’m guessing the President didn’t have any of the Patriots or Niners on his fantasy team. I think we’ve had a rough couple of days, as a nation, so I will only bring up two points– First, watching all the news, hearing all their names, listening to the speeches… it’s been the opposite of fun. And secondly, I think my ceiling fan was making my eyes water. Maybe kicking up some dust-mites? Now, let’s get back to talking about football!
I previously called this game Waterworld, due to all the rain. I am now referring to this game as ‘New Year’s Eve’, because everyone dropped the ball. What was the rain made out of? KY Jelly? Wait, wait, is it too late to call it the Boston Turnover Party?
Here was my drinking game of choice last night:
Take one drink every time…
–Tom Brady’s draft position/having been a backup who took over as starter and lead his team to success (in relation to Kaepernick) is mentioned.
–Collinsworth gushes like a schoolgirl over something Vince Wilfork does.
–Wes Welker drops a pass that “Wes Welker catches 100 times out of 100″.
–Aldon Smith and the sack record are mentioned.
–Alex Smith is shown on the sideline.
Let’s just say I’m still drunk and half-way to Vegas.
Hey Costas, Jimmy Carter called. He wants his sweater back.
So, how obnoxious was Costas’s halftime smug? I never watch due to:
Tom Brady – WHAT THE FAWK REF?!?!? NOBAWHDEE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH BRADY!!!! Had a Dreamboatception on the Pat’s second drive. Had a Failboatception in the 3rd quarter. Oh, does Tom Brady still suck without six seconds to throw with no pressure? To his credit, Welker was too busy crying about a flag. That’s the most Patriot play ever. And how dare it rain on Dreamboat! Shouldn’t someone be out there holding an umbrella over him? You may have noticed, but last night in the 4th quarter, we replaced Tom Brady’s Fleshlight with Cris Collinsworth’s mouth. Brady did almost create the ultimate Peter King fantasy by bringing the Pat’s to the 9-yard line with the game winding down, but then aired one out to the back of the endzone. The float was Flacco-esqe with lofty aspirations. 36-65/443/1-2
Frank Gore – Give to Gore. Do that. Lots. No? Hmm… 21/83/0 and 2/34/0.
Danny Woodhead – Woodhead > Grizzled Canadian trapper with frostbit toes and a bearskin coat. Unlike his teammates, Wood-e was able to avoid the rain by running beneath a canopy of linemen. 12/61/2 and 5/23/0.
Stevan Ridley – ಠ_ಠ. 9/23/0 and 0/0/0 with a side of a derpy fumble.
Brandon Loyld – Recieved 38 yards on a PI as the Greatriots began their ‘Ginger Hissy Fit Comeback’ drives late in the game. Based on what I saw on the play, I was able to gather that if you trip while you’re running, it’s a 38 yard completion. Horrible call was horrible. And obvious make-up call was obvious. 10/190/0.
Randy Moss – Touchdown Randy Moss?!?! What year is this? When do the 49ers call Jeff Garcia and Garrison Hearst to join Moss on the team? 2/36/1
Wes Welker – NAWT GRITTY ENAWFF! 5/56/0.
Vernon Davis – Trademark holder of the always wise ‘run backwards after the catch’ maneuver. 1/10/0.
Aaron Hernandez – This guy, I call him 1906. Because he quakes whenever he’s around San Francisco. 10/92/1.
Ted Ginn – I’d like to know how a punt can be illegally touched. Get Roethlisberger in there, he knows illegal touching! Ed’s referee audio equipment was supplied by the New Jersey Transit authority, so I don’t really know what happened there. Hochuli: *rips off shirt* “Whoever thinks I’m wrong come on down!” Maybe he was just upset because he had to wear sleeves? 3/15/0.
SF DEF – Patriot fans were naturally confused as to how they could be struggling against the best defense in the league. Well, for at least 2.5 quarters. Then the Niners were on the receiving end of 28 points, or what I call Chargers vs. Broncos x1000. Some say the early edge was because Donte Whitner is such a great resource to have. He only missed 10939823409 tackles playing against the Patriots over his 5 years in Buffalo, so sure, why not. 3 Sacks, 0 TD’s.
NE DEF – Pats defense got C-Kaepitated for the most part. Did you know Vince Wilfork rarely comes off the field, only because it takes him three minutes to make it to the sideline? We know that Pats nation supports Newtown. And that Vince Wilfork supports Fig Newton. In Soviet Russia, Ninkovich sack you. 1 Sack, 0 TD’s.
What were all those flags for? Illegal use of proper blocking technique? If you couldn’t tell, exposition Ed was in full force last night. He was stopping the clock WITH HIS BARE FISTS! That clock had better obey too, before it ends up in a shelter with two black eyes and no tampons. And you know what those commercials needed? More fake dubstep. I feel like I am just too close to up-WUB you. You know, that’s a good poiZZZZUHHHH CHUHHHHHHH BZZZZZZZAAAAAA WAAAAAAW WAAAAAAAAWA WAWAAAHHHH!!!! In the end, it looked like the Patriots were going to get curbstomped, but then turned gritty. It was a pretty good game. Or really ridiculous. I haven’t quite decided yet.