Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft’s trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets “malfunctioning”, and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D’Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya’ll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em and Sit ’em. Take heed!
You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs…
Tony Romo – This Giants defense reminds me of the manatee I harpooned and feasted on for three weeks with six other male thong models when our helicopter crashed on some uninhabited island in the gulf of Mexico; soft, blubbery, and sh*tty. This former rib house CEO had a 139.55 QB rating and seven combined TD passes in two starts against the Giants last season. Without JPP and Beason, my guess is that it will be simpler than ever to dissect. Hopefully, Eli turns this into a good old fashioned shoot-out, but more on him later. And by later, I mean in the next blurb.
Eli Manning – Even without Victor Cruz, the Giants should be able to epically destroy the now pathetic Cowboys secondary, and I for one don’t want to miss out on a spectacle of that nature. No Scandrick and no Greg Hardy means Easy-E is about to get surgical in this b*tch, just like he did last season when he threw 3 TD’s in both of their match-ups with Dallas while throwing only one total interception. Say one thing for Eli Manning, he murdered that DirecTV commercial. Gets me every time.
Chris Ivory – Who gave up the most rushing yards in the NFL last season? Um, yeah, that would be the inept Cleveland Browns and being that I expect the New York Jets to basically shut out the Browns, Ivory should get close to 30 carries, crushing Drew Carey’s pride to a pulp. That’s right, THIRTY! He’s a top-10 play for me this week and in my million dollar DFS lineup. May the Elders bless me on my quest for fantasy supremacy and millions of dollars.
DeMarco Murray – Murray looked quicker and more charged up than I’ve ever seen him this preseason as Chippy has him on a steady diet of raw trout and kale chips. I swear to the Gods, Kelly would have his players drink Beluga whale semen if there was even a rumor about it helping the body recover quicker. I’d be happy to send him a test sample. Anyway, although I’m sure Dan Quinn will improve the defense of the Atlanta Falcons, I’m going to need to see it before I believe it, and Murray could honestly go for 200 yards this week, and it wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever.
Vincent Jackson – If second year superstar Mike Evans is ruled out Sunday, I fully expect V-Jax to receive double digit targets with a high probability of a monster game. I’m not sold on the Titans revamped defense as of yet, and even if they are much improved, they don’t employ a defensive back that can handle the big bodied Jackson, one-on-one. Once Evans is ruled out, I’ll be moving Jackson up my rankings, probably somewhere in the top-15.
A.J. Green – Err’body talkin’ bout Julio Jones this week, and I’m not mad at that (he’s my number one wideout for season), but A.J. Green is considerably cheaper on DFS and somehow dropped from the top-5 wideouts in fantasy according to the “experts”, though I’m not sure why. Let me blunt; Green is a Hall-of-Famer on and off the field (heard he’s already slain half of the Natti), and I fully expect 100-plus yards and at LEAST one score against Oakland this week. Remember it, write it down, take a picture, I don’t give a f*ck!
Crockett Gillmore – Flacco has to throw to someone this Sunday, right? How about a 6’7, 270 pound Minotaur that goes by the name of Davey Crocket, King of the Baltimore frontier? Please don’t mention the fact that Billy Bob Thornton (who I absolutely Love) played Davey Crockett in a more recent film. I’ve erased that gutter trash from my memory. Anyway, Gillmore is a sneaky top 10-15 tight end play this week as I expect 60-plus yards and a score.
Jordan Reed – New starter Kirk Cousins loves slinging that rock at my boy Reed, and with that fearsome Dolphins front four coming for his life, hitting the tight end for quick hitters may be the perfect response. Talent wise, Reed is without question a top-10 tight end. It’s all about his health and being that he’s good to go right now… he needs to be in your lineups. Super Bowl or bust!
New York Jets – My number one defense for the week, as a Jets BLOWOUT wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever. The J.E.T.S. Jets, Jets, Jets, are a fairly cheap option for DFS this week so I highly suggest you inserting them into your lineups. That is, if you want to win money anyway.
Colin Kaepernick – I haven’t witnessed a fall from grace like the 49ers have gone through since Nicolas Cage’s career died a putrid and foul death back in the early 2000’s. It’s quite disgusting, really. That is, unless your a Seahawks fan. I honestly like Kaep though, and his lack of improvement over the past few years is stunning, as I truly believed he was a superstar in the making. It’s still possible, but not this week, as I’m all about this Vikings defense and Niners offensive line will treat him like Britney Spears little sister did me in 2003… The Elder Gods don’t like ugly folks, and that’s exactly what this offense is going to be in Week 1.
Jay Cutler – Do you really need an explanation? Aaaahkay, Cutler averages 183 yards per game against Packers with a TD/INT rate that is nastier than Rosie O’Donnell’s drawls after a late night visit to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Did I mention Alshon Jeffery is severely banged up? STAY AWAY!
T.J. Yeldon – Even with Star Lotuleli out, I expect Yeldon to take the kind of pounding that would make my favorite new fantasy sports analyst, Lisa Ann, extremely jealous. From what I’ve seen from other writers, people are expecting the Jags to be run heavy, whereas I believe they’re going to open it up a bit and test these no name Carolina defensive backs, especially after Yeldon averages under two yards a carry for a quarter or two. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Benjamin Cunningham – Stop. Just stop. I basically screamed at my friend for 45 minutes yesterday when he actually tried to defend Cunningham, saying he was a solid player and not much of a drop off from Tre Mason. We may never speak again. It got that ugly. Cunningham is one man’s trash and NO other man’s treasure. Stay away.
Michael Crabtree – Didn’t love what I saw from Crabtree in the preseason, and I’m excited to see some of these younger corners on the Bengals set it off in 2015. In order for Crabtree to have value this year, Carr needs to take a big leap, and frankly, I didn’t see that in the preseason.
Keenan Allen – Allen is coming off of one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons of 2015 after finishing with less than 800 yards and only 4 TDs. He’ll either bounce back like Mickey Rourke or fade away to obscurity like… well, like Mickey Rourke… again. Tough match-up against a solid Lions defense so if you have superior option, use it.
Zack Ertz – Let’s just wait ’till we know his groin healed properly before we go sticking him back in our lineups. Speaking of sticking-in, the test for Ertz should be sexual intercourse. Once he’s able to deliver punishing back shots, pain free, playing football should be an absolute breeze.
Thank you for joining me for my first ever Star ’em and Sit ’em. That was really super cool, yeah? Yeah, totally. Anyway, please leave your comments and questions below and I’ll be with you from now until game time. Truly, I am at your beck and call, and yes, ladies, I do make house calls. Football is upon us! Rejoice!
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.