Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft’s trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets “malfunctioning”, and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D’Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya’ll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em and Sit ’em. Take heed!

You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs…

 

Start ’em

Tony Romo – This Giants defense reminds me of the manatee I harpooned and feasted on for three weeks with six other male thong models when our helicopter crashed on some uninhabited island in the gulf of Mexico; soft, blubbery, and sh*tty. This former rib house CEO had a 139.55 QB rating and seven combined TD passes in two starts against the Giants last season. Without JPP and Beason, my guess is that it will be simpler than ever to dissect. Hopefully, Eli turns this into a good old fashioned shoot-out, but more on him later. And by later, I mean in the next blurb.

Eli Manning  Even without Victor Cruz, the Giants should be able to epically destroy the now pathetic Cowboys secondary, and I for one don’t want to miss out on a spectacle of that nature. No Scandrick and no Greg Hardy means Easy-E is about to get surgical in this b*tch, just like he did last season when he threw 3 TD’s in both of their match-ups with Dallas while throwing only one total interception. Say one thing for Eli Manning, he murdered that DirecTV commercial. Gets me every time.

Chris Ivory  Who gave up the most rushing yards in the NFL last season? Um, yeah, that would be the inept Cleveland Browns and being that I expect the New York Jets to basically shut out the Browns, Ivory should get close to 30 carries, crushing Drew Carey’s pride to a pulp. That’s right, THIRTY! He’s a top-10 play for me this week and in my million dollar DFS lineup. May the Elders bless me on my quest for fantasy supremacy and millions of dollars.

DeMarco Murray  Murray looked quicker and more charged up than I’ve ever seen him this preseason as Chippy has him on a steady diet of raw trout and kale chips. I swear to the Gods, Kelly would have his players drink Beluga whale semen if there was even a rumor about it helping the body recover quicker. I’d be happy to send him a test sample. Anyway, although I’m sure Dan Quinn will improve the defense of the Atlanta Falcons, I’m going to need to see it before I believe it, and Murray could honestly go for 200 yards this week, and it wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever.

Vincent Jackson  If second year superstar Mike Evans is ruled out Sunday, I fully expect V-Jax to receive double digit targets with a high probability of a monster game. I’m not sold on the Titans revamped defense as of yet, and even if they are much improved, they don’t employ a defensive back that can handle the big bodied Jackson, one-on-one. Once Evans is ruled out, I’ll be moving Jackson up my rankings, probably somewhere in the top-15.

A.J. Green  Err’body talkin’ bout Julio Jones this week, and I’m not mad at that (he’s my number one wideout for season), but A.J. Green is considerably cheaper on DFS and somehow dropped from the top-5 wideouts in fantasy according to the “experts”, though I’m not sure why. Let me blunt; Green is a Hall-of-Famer on and off the field (heard he’s already slain half of the Natti), and I fully expect 100-plus yards and at LEAST one score against Oakland this week. Remember it, write it down, take a picture, I don’t give a f*ck!

Crockett Gillmore  Flacco has to throw to someone this Sunday, right? How about a 6’7, 270 pound Minotaur that goes by the name of Davey Crocket, King of the Baltimore frontier? Please don’t mention the fact that Billy Bob Thornton (who I absolutely Love) played Davey Crockett in a more recent film. I’ve erased that gutter trash from my memory. Anyway, Gillmore is a sneaky top 10-15 tight end play this week as I expect 60-plus yards and a score.

Jordan Reed – New starter Kirk Cousins loves slinging that rock at my boy Reed, and with that fearsome Dolphins front four coming for his life, hitting the tight end for quick hitters may be the perfect response. Talent wise, Reed is without question a top-10 tight end. It’s all about his health and being that he’s good to go right now… he needs to be in your lineups. Super Bowl or bust!

New York Jets My number one defense for the week, as a Jets BLOWOUT wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever. The J.E.T.S. Jets, Jets, Jets, are a fairly cheap option for DFS this week so I highly suggest you inserting them into your lineups. That is, if you want to win money anyway.

 

Sit ’em

Colin Kaepernick  I haven’t witnessed a fall from grace like the 49ers have gone through since Nicolas Cage’s career died a putrid and foul death back in the early 2000’s. It’s quite disgusting, really. That is, unless your a Seahawks fan. I honestly like Kaep though, and his lack of improvement over the past few years is stunning, as I truly believed he was a superstar in the making. It’s still possible, but not this week, as I’m all about this Vikings defense and Niners offensive line will treat him like Britney Spears little sister did me in 2003… The Elder Gods don’t like ugly folks, and that’s exactly what this offense is going to be in Week 1.

Jay Cutler Do you really need an explanation? Aaaahkay, Cutler averages 183 yards per game against Packers with a TD/INT rate that is nastier than Rosie O’Donnell’s drawls after a late night visit to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Did I mention Alshon Jeffery is severely banged up? STAY AWAY!

T.J. Yeldon  Even with Star Lotuleli out, I expect Yeldon to take the kind of pounding that would make my favorite new fantasy sports analyst, Lisa Ann, extremely jealous. From what I’ve seen from other writers, people are expecting the Jags to be run heavy, whereas I believe they’re going to open it up a bit and test these no name Carolina defensive backs, especially after Yeldon averages under two yards a carry for a quarter or two. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Benjamin Cunningham  Stop. Just stop. I basically screamed at my friend for 45 minutes yesterday when he actually tried to defend Cunningham, saying he was a solid player and not much of a drop off from Tre Mason. We may never speak again. It got that ugly. Cunningham is one man’s trash and NO other man’s treasure. Stay away.

Michael Crabtree  Didn’t love what I saw from Crabtree in the preseason, and I’m excited to see some of these younger corners on the Bengals set it off in 2015. In order for Crabtree to have value this year, Carr needs to take a big leap, and frankly, I didn’t see that in the preseason.

Keenan Allen Allen is coming off of one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons of 2015 after finishing with less than 800 yards and only 4 TDs. He’ll either bounce back like Mickey Rourke or fade away to obscurity like… well, like Mickey Rourke… again. Tough match-up against a solid Lions defense so if you have superior option, use it.

Zack Ertz  Let’s just wait ’till we know his groin healed properly before we go sticking him back in our lineups. Speaking of sticking-in, the test for Ertz should be sexual intercourse. Once he’s able to deliver punishing back shots, pain free, playing football should be an absolute breeze.

Indianapolis Colts  Don’t even think about getting cute and going against Tyrod the God AKA Tygod AKA The Rodfather! Percy Harvin is playing. LeSean McCoy is playing. SAY GOODNIGHT!

Thank you for joining me for my first ever Star ’em and Sit ’em. That was really super cool, yeah? Yeah, totally. Anyway, please leave your comments and questions below and I’ll be with you from now until game time. Truly, I am at your beck and call, and yes, ladies, I do make house calls. Football is upon us! Rejoice!

 

 

Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.

  1. BambooLounge says:
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    Given the Cutler sit recommendation, would you bench Royal in PPR/.5 PPR leagues as a FLEX?

    PPR Options (2 leagues): Garcon/Lockette or Hurns

    .5 PPR Options (1 league): Woodhead/Hurns (I’m starting Alan Robinson)/D. Parker

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @BambooLounge: he’s probably a decent option as I assume Cutler will be throwing a lot as they should be trailing. I like Garcon and Hurns. I assume you mean Lockett and not Lockette, the ho who cost Seattle the Super Bowl. I forget my rankings but they are on my last post. I believe i have Hurns pretty high but based on I believe he gets a score but Royal should receive heavy targets with Jeffery banged up. He should be a pretty safe start. probably need to move him up my weekly rankings

  2. Dom B says:
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    Best flex start Keenan Allen, Steve Smith Sr . , GIO Bernard , John Brown

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dom B: I’m sure Allen or Smith is highest in my rankings. id probably go Smith.

  3. Steve says:
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    Thanks for th e excellent article. Could you recommend an RB2 and flex from Woodhead, Yeldon, BMarshall, Agholor, Vereen? (standard). At the moment, I’m leaning Yeldon/Woodhead but I noticed you are not high on Yeldon. Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve: Steve, it was my pleasure servicing you…..errrr, No Agholor against Falcons???you got to get him in there. id consider Vereeen against soft ass cowboys defense but Yeldon will get most touhces if you want to go that route. Yeldon/Agholor works.

  4. kmda007 says:
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    Lockett (@Stl) worth a start over Colston (@Ari) this week?

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @kmda007: I actually dropped Colston for Lockett last night, but it’s a return yds league and I wasn’t planning to start either anyway. For this week I’d probably go Colston, but if you’re looking for a home run Lockett’s sexy.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: My assistant, Steven, is here for anything you need. thank you, Steven

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @kmda007: Colston is obviously the MUCH MUCH safer play but with that being said, Seattle is supposedly gonna have Lockett out there quite a bit so if you’re looking for a home run or two u could go that route. id probably go with Colston tho

      • kmda007 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Started Lockett…..Boom goes the dynamite

  5. nightpandas says:
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    Trade McFadden for your Tyrod god?

    My starting QBs are Smith and Bortles and starting RBs are Lacy, Peterson, Charles

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @nightpandas: Smith as in Alex Smith????????? um yea, you are stacked at RB so even IF McFadden surprises a little bit, who cares? he wont be in your lineup. get you some Tyrod

  6. CL (Uncle Cos) says:
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    Yo Soy Fiesta!

    I traded Leveon Bell for Gronk earlier this week in one league. Dude said he had a bad draft and sent out notice Gronk was available. I did not hesitate. GRONK GRONK GRONK

    Anywho, I’m using Lockett in a lot of leagues (PPR & ST points). Thoughts?

    Is Razzball Fanduel only now, or will there be a DraftKings league up weekly?

      • CL (Uncle Cos) says:
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        @Jay: 10-4

        You like Lockett this week?

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @CL (Uncle Cos): I didn’t like my draft and made Gronk available after Thursday’s game. So far the only offer I’ve gotten is Hilton in standard scoring–wish I was in your league.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: whoops, sorry. yea, right?!?!? BEll ? uhhhh, i mean, id have to take Bell there but thats me tho.

      • CL (Uncle Cos) says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: Yeah, this is PPR. I have Forte too. Plus, Bell sits 4 games. I LOVE GRONK. GRONK GRONK

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @CL (Uncle Cos): wow, ballsy move Uncle COS!!!! congrats on the Tri-fecta on thursday.

      Lockett is great if you get punt return yards and i think he gets a few catches this week.
      We fanduel, but whats the difference? I play both

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @CL (Uncle Cos): wow, ballsy move Uncle COS!!!! congrats on the Tri-fecta on thursday.

      Lockett is great if you get punt return yards and i think he gets a few catches this week.
      We fanduel, but whats the difference? I play both

  7. Slobberknocker says:
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    I have Tyrod on every team I drafted. My fellow managers think I was nuts.
    I just saw your “Ode to Tyrod” video and it is classic. Couldn’t agree with you more.
    Any moron who refuses to read your column because of your QB rankings doesn’t deserve the insight you provide. He’s the type of guy who probably swears by Bleacher Report slide shows for all his fantasy info… YoOu know, one of those guys.
    Go Tyrod. He’ll be a top 10 QB this year if healthy.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Slobberknocker: Thank you, ser Slob. Bleacher report slide shows???? LMAOOOOOOOOOO. my life is on the line for Tyrod. lets get it started with a bang!

  8. Steve says:
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    Donnell or Celek (if Ertz can’t go) in .5 PPR

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @Steve: Donnell. Like him for a nice game against DAL’s secondary with Cruz out, something like 6-65-1.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve: I like em both but if Ertz isn’t going I have Celek ahead of Donnell.

      but without Cruz, i suspect Donnell to be solid.

      both great matchups. I’m leaning Celek

  9. Steve says:
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    What about Dalton over Stafford?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve: not a bad idea. raiders secondary isn’t exactly top notch.im fine with that play

  10. Jared says:
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    I’ve been gettin the heebie jeebies from Keenan Allen ever since I drafted him. After him my best WR is Allen Robinson. Which Allen do you like better?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jared: its tough man, I loved Allen rookie year, but Robinson is extremely intriguing. both solid options this year but if Robinson is healthy all season i believe he has the bigger season

  11. Happyharry says:
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    Hey Man-PPR,which RB would you start…Randle or Abdullah? Thanks

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Happyharry: really tough question since we have no clue how either team is going to deploy them at this point but id play it safe and go Randle

  12. KREPE says:
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    1 PPR league.

    I’m all aboard the Ivory train. Also fielding Romo, Forsett, AnTony Brown, Edelman, and Olsen

    Would flex Lamar Miller or Steve Smith?

    Thanks man

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @KREPE: Lamar MIller for sho. like Steve Smith a lot this week also but got to go with Miller here

  13. Jerry says:
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    Hey, Tehol! Fred Jackson or James Jones for season? Also, Chris Ivory or Steve Smith at flex tomorrow? Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jerry: yikes! id say James Jones I suppose.

      And Ivory! like both this week but have Ivory as top 10 rb

  14. Shark says:
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    1/2 PPR -Benny Cunningham (yes, him, LOL) or Crowell?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Shark: I HATE both this week. worst possible matchups. but Feed the Cro

  15. Dave says:
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    Hey Tehol,

    Charles Johnson or Tevin Coleman for my flex spot? (PPR)

    And in the same league who’s a better pickup – Matt Jones, Tyler Lockett, maybe even Ryan Mathews? Or any sleepers you can tell me of there’s a nice amount of options out there it’s a ten team league.

    (Also, I own Tyrod Taylor it’s a 2 qb league I drafted him before I read about your love for him, great minds think alike)

    Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dave: tough call but I’m leaning Johnson. i think he has a nice day and Im not sure what to expect from Coleman against pretty good run defense and not sure what Freeman gonna do

      Everyone seems to want Matt Jones but unless Sir Alfred goes down the numbers are limited. Matthews will probably put up most points weekly. Lockett upside is there but you simply cant count on it weekly. I’m rambling but id probably just grab Matthews.

      GREAT call on Tyrod. you’r obviously a gods damned genius

  16. The Bugeater says:
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    Yet another entertaining read. Your literary prowess knows no bounds. Enough sucking up. I had the 12th pick in a snake draft and got burned by a late QB run. My choices are now Cutler, Flacco, Dalton, Taylor, Bortles, or Fitzpatrick. Any guidance from the Elder Gods would be appreciated. Gracias.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Bugeater: haha, thank you, Bug. I appreciate you.

      Well, I’m leaning on Tyrod this Sunday. if he lets me down, everyone is going to kill me hahahah. but I like Dalton and Flacco to have solid games as well but I’d play the upside and go Tyrod. if is terrible, which I dont see happening, we move on. but you should be fine either way. we will find you the right man

      • The Bugeater says:
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        I picked up Tyrod. Fingers, toes, and eyes are crossed. I see antacids in my future…[email protected]Tehol Beddict:

  17. TarmanGotHim says:
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    I asked Jay and this is driving me crazy.

    Offered:

    Andre Johnson, Amari Cooper, Russell Wilson, and LeSean McCoy

    for my

    Randall Cobb, Jeremy Hill, and Allen Robinson

    Jay says he likes it. I need a second opinion. I am adamant on doing this because my team is stacked, but my QB is Cam, but I love Cobb and Hill this year. McCoy scared me with the injury, but he is their top option.

    QB – Cam
    WR – Cobb
    WR – Landry
    WR – Keenan Allen
    RB – Lynch
    RB – HILL
    TE – Graham
    B – Ivory
    B – Allen Robinson
    B – Pierre Garcon
    B – Tevin Coleman
    B – Joique Bell
    K – Tucker
    DST – ARI

    It’s tough, thanks for the advice.

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @TarmanGotHim: don’t do it

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TarmanGotHim: WOW. very tough call, man. you’d be upgrading a QB a decent amount, as of now anyway. HIll is ranked higher than McCoy everywhere but he could have monster year, tho I’m a tad concerned with him losing goal line carries.

      You’re giving up what could and should be a top 5 Wideout tho along with everyones favorite RB and I even like Robinson a great deal. this is so tough. if its me, i probably hold. what other abs are available or Cam might ball. we dont know. maaaaan, id probably hold but its pretty good value

      • TarmanGotHim says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks SOO much for your analysis.

        My analysis is exactly the same. It’s so tough and it’s all about Wilson here. Guy has Brady and Wilson, but I’m gonna reject and he can just have one or the other sit on the bench instead of getting something he’ll use week to week in return (I’m trying to offer A Rob even though I like him)

        Would you maybe offer Davante Adams for Wilson?

        Thanks for all your help.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @TarmanGotHim: yea, i’d consider that but i dont see Davante on your bench. lets see if cam bam balls out tho

  18. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Standard scoring but w/ 1pt/25 return yds too, need to drop one to add a K tomorrow: DeAngelo, Lockett or DeVante Parker? DeAngelo obviously worst long-term but I was thinking of starting him at flex next week vs SF.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve Stevenson: id drop D’angelo without hesitation. i wouldn’t want to start him. san fran run d should be tough. just dont see much there

  19. Old MilwaukeePounders says:
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    Tehol & Jay –

    Planning on proceeding this week as if Evans is gonna ball. Are you cool with waiting until game time and if he is down, plugging in Terrance Williams?

    Thanks, bros

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      Tehol should chime in too, but I agree

      • Old MilwaukeePounders says:
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        @Jay: For what it’s worth my other options are all 1st wave games; Garcon, Royal.

        Thanks again.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Old MilwaukeePounders: definitely. I’m extremely high on Williams this week. dont see how he doesnt score

  20. guidedbyvoices says:
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    10tm ppr….flex

    Aguilar J Brown or Blue?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @guidedbyvoices: sorry missed this. was recording a show

  21. docs says:
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    pick two hurns,watkins,rushed jennings, coleman. this is ppr

    Packers d, niners d, or bengals d

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @docs: sorry i missed you. was recording a show

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