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If you didn’t notice, or if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, we are now travelling the December part of our football journey. And it’s almost as if a few weeks ago, some misguided couple named their child “Playoff Implications”. And let me tell you guys, when this kid grew up, he joined the military. And yesterday, that child reached the rank of “Major”. And the concept of that wonderful anecdote I just shared was manifested in the most ridiculous way possible… in the NFC South. Surprise! On a day that saw back-to-back shutouts for the Rams, the Jets still Jets’ing, it was no surprise to see the Saints lose and lose soundly at home to just an awful Carolina Panthers team. The Atlanta Falcons, with an unlikely win tonight (against the Packers at home), can build an insurmountable divisional lead and first place with a 6-7 record. AND they could probably do the same by losing! Heck, Carolina could take the division with a 6-9-1 record if they wanted to. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. If only the division wasn’t comparable to reading dildo reviews…

 

Steelers – 42, Bengals – 21

Le’Veon Bell – 26 CAR, 185 YDS, 2 TD and 6 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD. Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown (9 REC, 117 YDS): Good at this footed balls game-sport.

Martavis Bryant – 4 REC, 109 YDS, 1 TD. VIVA MARTAVIS!

Andy Dalton – 21/29, 302 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 22 YDS, 1 TD, 1 FUM. Certainly a dash of ginger on his 20 yard touchdown run. Got knocked out later in the game, allowing all of us to know how Jason Campbell (4/6, 25 YDS and 1 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 FUM.) was doing. Same, as always. The good news: Dalton came back some plays later. The bad news? Dalton came back.

 

Rams – 24, Washington Football Team – 0

In what was herelded (by me) as the “Shaun Hill (16/22, 213 YDS, 2 TD) vs. Colt McCoy (20/32, 199 YDS, 2 INT) SHOWDOWN: CLASH OF NFL EUROPE-LEVEL TALENT!”, this game provided everything it should have. Which was essentially some of the worst quarters of football I’ve ever seen in my life by Washington. The Trail of Tears indeed.

Jared Cook – 4 REC, 61 YDS, 2 TD. The Chicago Bears thinks that Washington might need to work on pass defense.

Tavon Austin – 2 REC, 14 YDS (4 PR, 143 YDS, 1 TD). So, pretty much the “not completely useless/highest drafted punt returner since Ted Ginn, Jr., yes?

Robert Griffin – 3/4, 33 YDS. Coming in at the end was the cherry on top of the sh*t cake of a game this was.

 

Giants – 36, Titans – 7

Eli Manning – 26/42, 260 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT. 36 points, and this is your line? I guess it’s true that you can’t spell terrible without E-L-I…

Odell Beckham Jr. – 11 REC, 130 YDS, 1 TD. So, do you guys think Beckham will actually be good enough to overcome all the suck that is the Giants this year? I think so.

 

Panthers -41, Saints – 10

Cam Newton – 21-33, 226 YDS, 3 TD and 12 CAR, 83 YDS, 1 TD. Thanks Cam! My bench really needed those points!

Mike Tolbert – 5 CAR, 28 YDS and 2 REC, 34 YDS. Is Mike Tolbert the fattest skill-position player of all time? This is me not wanting to talk about Jonathan Stewart (20 CAR, 155 YDS, 1 TD). I don’t understand it and I won’t respond to it.

Greg Olsen – 10 REC, 72 YDS, 1 TD. Look at that Drew Brees (29/49, 235 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 6 YDS)! Other quarterbacks throw to their tight ends!

Mark Ingram – 10 CAR, 43 YDS, 1 FUM and 2 REC, 13 YDS. It was an interesting decision by Ingram on his fumble, to chuck the ball at the Carolina defense. The strategy didn’t quite work out, much like his decision to be 2013 Mark Ingram.

 

Jets – 24, Vikings – 30

Teddy Bridgewater – 19/27, 309 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 7 YDS. Every time I hear Teddy Bridgewater’s name, I hear Berman calling him Teddy “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and then I want to die. Help.

Matt Asiata – 19 CAR, 54 YDS and 3 REC, 10 YDS. We’ve always been at war with Asiata.

Greg Jennings – 5 REC, 52 YDS. Greg Jennings: Still alive.

Jarius Wright – 4 REC, 123 YDS, 1 TD. Jets secondary: Still bad.

Geno Smith – 18/29, 254 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 33 YDS. I think it’s safe to say that the Jets experiment of trying to play in the NFL without a real quarterback has yet to find success. But I commend their dedicated 35-year effort to see this experiment through to the end.

Percy Harvin – 6 REC, 124 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Marty Mornhinweg has finally realized that Harvin is on his team. Only took about, oh, a month.

Jeff Cumberland – 2 TGTS. Cumberland is completely useless. He can’t block, he can’t catch, and commits penalties all the time. Basically, he’s the perfect Jets player.

 

Ravens – 28, Dolphins – 13

Joe Flacco – 25/33, 269 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 35 YDS. Something-something eyebrows, Muppet joke, elite something, elite everything, and that’s a wrap.

Brian Hartline – 2 REC, 11 YDS. Proof of Life (a phrase commonly used to indicate proof that a kidnap victim is still alive. Also a sh*tty movie.)

 

Colts – 25, Browns – 24

This how bad it is to be a Browns fan… they’re over .500 this late in the season for the first time since 2002, and they’re in last place.

Andrew Luck – 24/53, 294 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 TD. Luck is so slow, something-something architect joke, building collapses. HODOR!

Trent Richardson – 7 CAR, 30 YDS. “Richardson, still in the game” is the nicest thing that can be said about his career thus far.

Coby Fleener – 5 REC, 56 YDS. Fleener sounds like the name of the “wacky neighbor” in some 80’s sitcom.

Reggie Wayne – 1 REC, 5 YDS. Someone give Reggie Wayne a walking stick.

Brian Hoyer – 14/31, 140 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. “Factory of Sadness working at maximum capacity, sir!”

 

Buccaneers – 17, Lions – 34

Vincent Jackson – 10 REC, 159 YDS. Can’t figure out what to do with Vincent Jackson? Alcohol is the answer. To a lot of things now that I think about it. Probably everything.

Calvin Johnson – 8 REC, 158 YDS, 1 TD. Wow. Such Megatron. Much catch.

 

Texans – 27, Jaguars – 13

Ryan Fitzpatrick – 13/19, 135 YDS and 8 CAR, 19 YDS, 1 TD. Thanks to his Ivy League background, Fitzpatrick understands regression to the mean and is able to demonstrate it.

Arian Foster – 24 CAR, 127 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 21 YDS. Foster has gotta feel good with Alfred Blue (9 CAR, 15 YDS, 1 TD) balling. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m not going to let a blue-balls joke go to waste. EVER.

Blake Bortles – 20/39, 205 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 10 YDS. Blake Bortles blasts ball into big box bowled by behemoth.

 

Bills – 17, Broncos – 24

Peyton Manning – 14/20, 173 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. I’m worried about the Pey-Pey. His robot parts are wearing down.

C.J. Anderson – 21 CAR, 58 YDS, 3 TD. I’m considering undergoing major elective surgery so I can have C.J. Anderson’s children.

 

Chiefs – 14, Cardinals – 17

Alex Smith – 26/39, 293 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 26 YDS. 20,000 career yards for Alex Smith? That’s, like, 40,000 yards for a quarterback without so many checkdowns.

Did you know that Antonio Brown has better numbers than Jason Avant (5 REC, 64 YDS), Dwayne Bowe (2 REC, 29 YDS), Albert Wilson (4 REC, 53 YDS) and every other receiver on the Chiefs… combined? FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR?

 

Seahawks – 24, Eagles – 14

I’ve noticed something. The Eagles go three-and-out at, like, blinding speed. Probably because it’s all about tempo. We’ll call that “Chip Kelly’s hurry-up three-and-outs”.

Mark Sanchez – 10/20, 96 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 7 YDS. Why isn’t Sanchez repping Taco Bell? Sanchez with eagle wings swooping down and stealing someone’s chalupa would be awesome.

Only “The Legion of Get There Too Early” (aka “The Legion of Defensive Holding”) may hold receivers like Jordan Matthews (2 REC, 23 YDS), Jeremy Maclin (3 REC, 21 YDS, 1 TD), and Riley Cooper (3 REC, 13 YDS… more like Riley Pooper, amiright?) to these numbers.

LeSean McCoy – 17 CAR, 50 YDS. Poor Shady… he never gets to have nice things inside the one.

 

49ers – 13, Raiders – 24

Free shivs (in the kidney) were given out to everyone after the game! And some lucky fans even got a bonus shiv (in the abdomen)!

Colin Kaepernick – 18/33, 174 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 26 YDS. Colin Kaepernick devolving into “Geno light”, I see…

 

Patriots – 23, Chargers – 14

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  1. Mantis Toboggan MD says:
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    i didn’t know ted ginn junYAH was drafted highly, seems depressing for those of us that had been waiting for austin to be used, i don’t know, maybe OFTEN in an offensive scheme (finally tired of it, and dropped him instead of taliaferro, even though it’s a return yardage league (punts are usually a lot less yards than kick returns)). should’ve mentioned that finally garcon got used properly, in fact he’d be the only useful WAS offensive player yesterday. This is of course after i dropped him everywhere, either for supposed up and coming types (woods, c.johnson MIN, lee), or even for a backup TE like Reed (looks like that should’ve been Cooks in stead, maybe i’ll be alive long enough to rectify that). I do like that Gruden’s idiot brother (of course that could mean any of them) might be responsible for messing up the development of 2 young QB’s, and while doing so he decides to throw them (RG 3 at least) under the bus in the media. That franchise has some funny ass problems.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Mantis Toboggan MD: I love some of the tv guys saying that he’s an up and comer. We’ve been waiting decades, DECADES! I think Jay Gruden is pretty bad at his job, and I think Bengals knew that.

  2. Mantis Toboggan MD says:
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    i may have figured out just what happened with daily show; remember when d.will used to come of his cave of no fantasy value every DEC just to rule the world for 2-4 weeks? daily show stole his 12th month amulet of power.

  3. Mantis Toboggan MD says:
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    and the 1984 reference ! bam. nice.

      • Mantis Toboggan MD says:
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        @Jay: if only i could go way over my projections for an entire month, like d.will, who gave the power to daily show. I could probably write for Sunny in Philadelphia, and take them back to when it ruled.

  4. Nick says:
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    Morning Jay, So I grabbed Detroit defense this morning from the waivers (dropping Sanu). I just wanted to ask if you think my defense is set for both weeks, with STL next week v. Arizona (Or Det v. Min) and than week 16 (championship) I can choose from STL v. NYG or Detroit @ Chicago. There are also these defenses available for the championship week, any worth a grab?
    GB @ TB
    SD @ SF

    Also I’m struggling at TE with Witten & now I have Reed on my bench..stick with that or grab Cook or H Miller?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Nick: I might go Rams on both. I get the sense that the Bears game there is a trap one. And I’d hold with those TE’s.

  5. Allan says:
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    Wow the chargers. They need to run the ball more and not just because I have mathews. First half they have a nice run/pass mix going. Mathews has 50 yards and a nice above 5 yards per carry avg going and they are winning. Then they come out in the second half and throw practically every down and lose. Coincidence I think not.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Allan: Field position was not their friend. I think it affected their play calling. Scifers is a huge part of that team, and losing him is quite a blow.

  6. Wilsonian says:
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    Still riding the Rams in Week 15 at home against the Cardinals on TNF?

    Other options are:

    BAL v. JAX
    CAR v. TB
    KC v. OAK

    STL has been so ungodly ridiculous lately that I don’t know how I can drop them. But the Cardinals at least have some semblance of an offense. Although Ellington is out for the season now.

  7. Lopes says:
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    i don’t like seeing bad mark ingram during the playoffs

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Lopes: The game was scary in that he looked like old Ingram. More new please.

  8. Scott says:
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    Seahawks – Eagles was 24-14

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Scott: Fixed, thanks!

  9. Ryan says:
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    I won this week by .64 points. There better not be any stat corrections!!!

    • goodfold2 says:
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      @Ryan: maybe you’ll have two different ones like i had in yahoo last week, where i went from winning by 2, to losing by 4 (with 17 pts less than i had), to losing by 1.5, with about 8 pts more than after the first correction. maybe you’ll win by 6?

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @goodfold2: That’s probably more to do with Yahoo not knowing how anything works.

      • Ryan says:
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        @goodfold2: I’ve been searching for any stat corrections like crazy. I’ll cut a bitch if it happens!! haha.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Ryan: Crazy.

  10. lahey says:
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    So you would take the rams over the ravens this week even against the jags?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @lahey: It’s close. I’ll revisit it when rankings comes around, but right now, I’m really liking how the Rams are playing, and Arizona has an inconsistent offense, so do the Jags. Coin flip for me right now.

  11. Scott says:
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    Would you drop Herron, D-Rob, or Bernard for J-Stew?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Scott: None, I’d hold.

  12. Dom B says:
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    Which rb to add after Ellington injury kerwynn wiiliamms, Matt asiata, Pierre Thomas, Carlos Hyde

    • Dom B says:
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      @Dom B: in order please

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Dom B: Asiata then Thomas.

  13. Nick says:
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    Week 15, standard league. I need a WR3 & a flex, options include;

    1) R Jennings vs Washington
    2) A Williams vs Washington
    3) L Murray @ KC
    4) R Mathews v Denver
    5) M Bryant @ ATL
    6) K Allen v. Denver

    TE options;
    1) Witten @ Philly
    2) Reed @ NYG

    Let me know if the choices are close (or include the NYG injured backfield) therefore checking back after injury reports is advised

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Nick: Probably Bryant and one of Jennings or Williams, depending on what’s going on there.

      • Nick says:
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        @Jay: Which TE you thinking? I assume your thought process is Keenan Allen will get shut down again this week, but by Denver…correct?

  14. Tom says:
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    Jay what do you think about running with Titans D for my playoffs? week 15 vs jets 16 @ jac. not much on waivers. I have KC on my roaster now.

    Also I was thinking of playing Eli vs Washington wk 15 and Sanchez @ Washington wk 16, am I over thinking this?

    Thanks

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Tom: It’s a gamble, the Titans have looked like trash. But you’re not over thinking the quarterback part, those might be good plays there.

  15. Timmy says:
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    Who would you take between s Taylor or k Williams for the Arizona rb situation

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Timmy: Slightly Taylor at the moment.

      • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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        @Jay: even with the carry and yd per carry difference? (you might know more about snap counts going forward than me)

        • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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          @Montezuma’s Revenge… right now: is that the same williams that ARI drafted like 3-4 years ago in the early rounds, and dude went out in preseason for the whole year?

          • Jay

            Jay says:
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            @Montezuma’s Revenge… right now: Yeah, with more info coming out, Williams might be the guy. But I’m expecting it to be be a committee at the start of the next game.

  16. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    early returns look good, julio being used everywhere and targeted a lot so far. that TD he missed by 4 yds would’ve been nice.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: Reading this chain now is pretty funny looking back on the night he had. Though, let’s hope for some injury luck there.

  17. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    this lineup, i’ll just assume i win this week (15.8 pts to go from ryan and julio). PPR with .1 pt per return yards. I’m somewhat worried about both QBs/offenses for WAS/TEN, clearly, to even own 2 TE’s. 1 flex, but only RB/WR flex.
    ryan
    murray/randle/ingram/smoke some blounts/mathews/ivory
    julio/gordon/landry/m.bryant
    delanie/reed
    drop ivory or reed or both for any of these: moncrief/lee/c.johnson (MIN), even though i don’t need a WR, gordon is being hurt by hoyer, and i’d rather my opp’s don’t help themsevles either.

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: also, different PPR league,
      2. what’s the dropping order for wayne out of these: moncrief/c.johnson/lee/steadman/wilson (CHI)/garcon (im assuming d-jax is back next week otherwise garcon would be higher)

      • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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        @Jay: he couldn’t hurt it, seemingly.

  18. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    the really good news is GB seems to know they’ll win no matter how sparsely julio is being guarded. looks like when he hits his 100 yard bonus i’ll be in very good shape.

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: another -2 pts on a tip, getting nervous ryan’s gonna shit the bed for the next 30 game minutes.

        • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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          @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: ok, effectively the only way to lose now is to either not get another .05 pts, or ryan gets more TO pts than gained pts (which certainly could happen)

  19. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    damn, unless julio gets another 4.45 pts, i’ll only lose in that other league due to curse of cutler vs romo ranking, and/or woods over m.bryant. Meanwhile i’m popping 200 pts in other league. completely amazing what an entire half of garbage time does for a QB.

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: all those 3 almost TD’s of julio’s are telling now too, getting stopped at the 3, the 4, and barely not getting his footdown in the backcorner of the end zone. it’s starting to look like GB’s coach owns julio in his league(s). had they just doubleteamed julio (he was wide open on almost all his catches, single covered the other times), i doubt ATL even gets over 24 pts to this point.

  20. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Should I go with the hail marry in Marquess or the check down Marqise?

    I’m playing the best team. Guy has:

    Luck
    Charles, Gore
    Cobb, Hilton, Watkins
    Donnell
    Gostkowski
    SEA

    YIKES!

      • Flowers misses his old glasses, but he's ok tho says:
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        @Jay: that catholicism will get ya

Comments are closed.