If you didn’t notice, or if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, we are now travelling the December part of our football journey. And it’s almost as if a few weeks ago, some misguided couple named their child “Playoff Implications”. And let me tell you guys, when this kid grew up, he joined the military. And yesterday, that child reached the rank of “Major”. And the concept of that wonderful anecdote I just shared was manifested in the most ridiculous way possible… in the NFC South. Surprise! On a day that saw back-to-back shutouts for the Rams, the Jets still Jets’ing, it was no surprise to see the Saints lose and lose soundly at home to just an awful Carolina Panthers team. The Atlanta Falcons, with an unlikely win tonight (against the Packers at home), can build an insurmountable divisional lead and first place with a 6-7 record. AND they could probably do the same by losing! Heck, Carolina could take the division with a 6-9-1 record if they wanted to. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. If only the division wasn’t comparable to reading dildo reviews…
Steelers – 42, Bengals – 21
Martavis Bryant – 4 REC, 109 YDS, 1 TD. VIVA MARTAVIS!
Andy Dalton – 21/29, 302 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 22 YDS, 1 TD, 1 FUM. Certainly a dash of ginger on his 20 yard touchdown run. Got knocked out later in the game, allowing all of us to know how Jason Campbell (4/6, 25 YDS and 1 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 FUM.) was doing. Same, as always. The good news: Dalton came back some plays later. The bad news? Dalton came back.
Rams – 24, Washington Football Team – 0
In what was herelded (by me) as the “Shaun Hill (16/22, 213 YDS, 2 TD) vs. Colt McCoy (20/32, 199 YDS, 2 INT) SHOWDOWN: CLASH OF NFL EUROPE-LEVEL TALENT!”, this game provided everything it should have. Which was essentially some of the worst quarters of football I’ve ever seen in my life by Washington. The Trail of Tears indeed.
Robert Griffin – 3/4, 33 YDS. Coming in at the end was the cherry on top of the sh*t cake of a game this was.
Giants – 36, Titans – 7
Eli Manning – 26/42, 260 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT. 36 points, and this is your line? I guess it’s true that you can’t spell terrible without E-L-I…
Panthers -41, Saints – 10
Mike Tolbert – 5 CAR, 28 YDS and 2 REC, 34 YDS. Is Mike Tolbert the fattest skill-position player of all time? This is me not wanting to talk about Jonathan Stewart (20 CAR, 155 YDS, 1 TD). I don’t understand it and I won’t respond to it.
Mark Ingram – 10 CAR, 43 YDS, 1 FUM and 2 REC, 13 YDS. It was an interesting decision by Ingram on his fumble, to chuck the ball at the Carolina defense. The strategy didn’t quite work out, much like his decision to be 2013 Mark Ingram.
Jets – 24, Vikings – 30
Teddy Bridgewater – 19/27, 309 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 7 YDS. Every time I hear Teddy Bridgewater’s name, I hear Berman calling him Teddy “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and then I want to die. Help.
Greg Jennings – 5 REC, 52 YDS. Greg Jennings: Still alive.
Geno Smith – 18/29, 254 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 33 YDS. I think it’s safe to say that the Jets experiment of trying to play in the NFL without a real quarterback has yet to find success. But I commend their dedicated 35-year effort to see this experiment through to the end.
Percy Harvin – 6 REC, 124 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Marty Mornhinweg has finally realized that Harvin is on his team. Only took about, oh, a month.
Ravens – 28, Dolphins – 13
Brian Hartline – 2 REC, 11 YDS. Proof of Life (a phrase commonly used to indicate proof that a kidnap victim is still alive. Also a sh*tty movie.)
Colts – 25, Browns – 24
This how bad it is to be a Browns fan… they’re over .500 this late in the season for the first time since 2002, and they’re in last place.
Trent Richardson – 7 CAR, 30 YDS. “Richardson, still in the game” is the nicest thing that can be said about his career thus far.
Coby Fleener – 5 REC, 56 YDS. Fleener sounds like the name of the “wacky neighbor” in some 80’s sitcom.
Reggie Wayne – 1 REC, 5 YDS. Someone give Reggie Wayne a walking stick.
Buccaneers – 17, Lions – 34
Calvin Johnson – 8 REC, 158 YDS, 1 TD. Wow. Such Megatron. Much catch.
Texans – 27, Jaguars – 13
Arian Foster – 24 CAR, 127 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 21 YDS. Foster has gotta feel good with Alfred Blue (9 CAR, 15 YDS, 1 TD) balling. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m not going to let a blue-balls joke go to waste. EVER.
Bills – 17, Broncos – 24
Peyton Manning – 14/20, 173 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. I’m worried about the Pey-Pey. His robot parts are wearing down.
Chiefs – 14, Cardinals – 17
Did you know that Antonio Brown has better numbers than Jason Avant (5 REC, 64 YDS), Dwayne Bowe (2 REC, 29 YDS), Albert Wilson (4 REC, 53 YDS) and every other receiver on the Chiefs… combined? FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR?
Seahawks – 24, Eagles – 14
I’ve noticed something. The Eagles go three-and-out at, like, blinding speed. Probably because it’s all about tempo. We’ll call that “Chip Kelly’s hurry-up three-and-outs”.
Only “The Legion of Get There Too Early” (aka “The Legion of Defensive Holding”) may hold receivers like Jordan Matthews (2 REC, 23 YDS), Jeremy Maclin (3 REC, 21 YDS, 1 TD), and Riley Cooper (3 REC, 13 YDS… more like Riley Pooper, amiright?) to these numbers.
49ers – 13, Raiders – 24
Free shivs (in the kidney) were given out to everyone after the game! And some lucky fans even got a bonus shiv (in the abdomen)!