Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. That’s because this is the internet and you’re not in my house. I hope. If you don’t remember me, I’m your replacement referee of football razzball magic, here to enchant your naval in mysterious ways on what is to be a splendid Columbus day. A day which we celebrate ole’ Chris spreading such wonderful things upon the Native Americans, like small pox and the age-old favorite– syphilis. In return, they gave him parrots and cotton balls. Sounds like a fair trade to me!
Hey guys, I just heard Peyton Manning played against Tom Brady. ZOMG! Its a shame those two don’t have some sort of history that could be exploited ad nauseum. What was that Mark Florio? Oh, that’s your ‘O’ face. Okay then. Point it towards someone else. Peter King maybe, since he’s making the same face. Actually no, don’t do that, it looks like the poster for The Human Centipede. I immediately regret my advice.
I got my Uggs on and am applying neck-aids cream by the gallon, so let’s get this party started.
Tom Brady – Only I can be photogenic! The Dreamboat was 3-3 in getting PI calls. Oh, also went 23-31/223/1-0.
Drew Brees – Just wondering, did anyone care of Johnny Unitas’ record before last week? Breesus did his thang, and if you missed it, they only re-played it about 28,921 times, and made about 17,583 graphics about it. There was so much hotness about Brees going on that the viewership got a yeast infection. #Oscar-baiting. 29-45/370/4-1.
Victor Cruz – It looks like Cruz has responded to his new diet. Some chick in a mascot costume, of which looks like an over-sized bobble-head doll made in a dirty alley in the Yangtze province, brings him fresh jerk chicken soup right there on the sidelines. It seems strange to a simpleton fan like myself, but it appears to be paying dividends. 5/50/3.
Andrew Luck – The announcers called Andrew Luck “Roethlisberger-esque”, but I’m confused. I didn’t witness him go into the bathroom and ask/make a female hold his concussed swollen footballs of forced unrequited love. Alas, the game just wasn’t meant to be for the Packers, whose last two-minute drive sponsor was guest coach Andy Reid. PSA: Please watch your step when exiting the Packer’s bandwagon. To their credit, Luck and the Colts did their best ‘ef leukemia!’ war-cry, so good for them. 31-55/362/2-1.
Jermichael Finley – Who else is rooting for a season-ending injury? Just stop teasing bro. I mean, is it just me, or is watching the Packers offense equate to dating a bi-polar emo chick? 3/11/0.
Robert Griffin III – Went down with a concussion in the 3rd quarter after Shanahan’s strategy of calling for RG-III to either roll-out for a 1-yard pass play or run and hug the closest defensive lineman he can find in his general vicinity backfired. Unbelievable, I know. Luckily, his strategy of drafting Kirk Cousins in the 3rd round has finally come full circle. Mystery solved! 10-15/91/0-0.
Chris Johnson – You are witness to the transition. CJ2Ypc, the running-back formerly known as CJ2K. 15/24/0.
Ryan Matthews – What? No obligatory red-zone fumble? Criminy! 12/80/1.
Cam Newton – Doing his best to look downright Culpepperish. Actually, I might upgrade that to Jamarcusish depending on next weeks play. 12-29/141/0-0 and 7/42/0.
Peyton Manning – Agent- “So, have you given any thought to endorsing Romney?” Manning- “Never heard of them, what do they make?” Agent- “He’s running for president.” Manning- “How much?” Agent- “Name it.” The Broncos must hate to play in all that thick sea-level air, as the only thing they really did that I took note of was causing an over abundance of Manningface. They simply could do nothing with the Pats defensive pass strategy– just let the other team drop it. 31-44/345/3-0.
Ray Rice – It looked like Cam Cameron was up to his old tricks as I think there was a thirty minute period where Rice only touched the ball 7 times. I guess you could say Cameron’s only taking what the defense is giving. Right up the butt. Luckily for the Ravens, Matt Cassel and the Chiefs were too busy sucking, seeing as how they made a 3-point deficit insurmountable. After studying film, I’ve discovered that when Cassel yells “Omaha! Omaha!”, the team is going for a loss of yardage. Interesting strategy, to be sure. The better course was bringing in Brady Quinn after Cassel went down with an injury, or what I like to call, losing the will to live. KC, say goodbye to liver. But back to Rice; he manged to rush over 100 yards in what was a moderately decent baseball game. 17/102/0.
Trent Richardson – The Browns should just have 10 lineman and Richardson. It can’t be any worse than what their doing. 17/81/1.
Philip Rivers – So, I’m pretty much drunk at this point. All I remember is a stoned Atari Bigby, laserface Rivers, and that Norv got his face re-stucco’d. Good call Norv. Oh, and the officiating in the last two minutes was replacement referee-ish. Awesome. 27-42/354/2-1.
Ben Roethlisberger – Turns out the best way to beat the wide-9 is just three steps back and be 250 pounds. Go figure. 21-37/207/0-0.
Mike Wallace – He did a great job trying to lower his asking price in free agency next year. 2/17/0.
Russell Wilson – “Update on Seattle-Carolina. This game sucks balls, we will no longer update you on it.” — Scott Hanson, NFL RedZone. Man, remember when people were all excited about Russell Wilson? That was like, so long ago. Two weeks maybe? 19-25/221/1-2.
Danny Woodhead – The most gritty man in the world. He doesn’t always wear a hat, but when he does, he wears a hat with a piece of wood on it. It’s too bad Woodyard hadn’t tackled Woodhead in the game. Do that repeatably in the wilderness if you need to start a fire. 7/47/0.
Michael Vick – Andy Reid doesn’t want these timeouts. Here, you take them. Now that we got the obligatory mention of Andy Reid’s game management fail out of the way, let’s move on to Vick and the Eagles. So yeah, running the ball had been effective against the Steelers, but let’s mix things up and have Vick go into the shotgun more and hope that they can’t rush anyone and that the offensive line suddenly knows what they’re doing. That should work! Even though I had expected Suisham to Cundiff the last second field goal, twas not to be. And instead of the Eagles becoming the worst 4-1 team ever, they had to settle being the worst 3-2 team ever. Them’s the way it goes sometimes. 20-30/175/2-0 and 5/16/0 with 3 fumbles. (Shannon Sharpe had an explanation for Vick’s fumbles, but no one understood him.)
Reggie Wayne – He had a huge game with big catches at key moments. He was #Chuckstrong, which, surprisingly, is not a thing about projectile vomiting in a forceful manner. 13/212/1.
BAL DEF – Little Girl- “Ray, what’s your favorite color?” RayRay- “RED MOTHERFUDGER! RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF CHRIST ON MY KNIFE AFTER I STABBED THAT BIZNITCH FOR SNITCHING ON ME TO GOD!” Little Girl- “Ray, what’s your favorite animal?” RayRay- “Sea-turtles.” 72 Tackles, 0 Sacks, 0 TD’s. All in all, it wasn’t a very good effort. Lucky they were playing a KC team that wanted no part of the end-zone. Or any yardage in general.
CHI DEF – The Bears would like to formally announce that they are going to play defense for the rest of the season. Case in point? Jacksonville offensive yardage in the third quarter: -1 yard. 37 Tackles, 3 Sacks, 2 TD’s.
Yo yo yo, what does a Charger fan do when they win the Superbowl? They turn off the X-Box. Oh snap son! Well… this is the end my friends. But fear not my brothers, and hopefully hot sisters. I will be spotlighting the SNF game from here on out. If you want more of my style, you are in luck friends. Join me as we recycle, reduce, and re-use everything that pigskin has mercifully given us. Unless you’re a fan of the Old Testament. Then we’re all screwed, and, I guess according to scripture, marked for death. I’ll see you next week for GB vs TEX. I guess you can call it the eternal fight between ‘drunk cheese lovers’ vs. ‘white people that like alligator boots and rubber nad’s on their Chevy truck rear bumper’. Peace my peeps.