Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. That’s because this is the internet and you’re not in my house. I hope. If you don’t remember me, I’m your replacement referee of football razzball magic, here to enchant your naval in mysterious ways on what is to be a splendid Columbus day. A day which we celebrate ole’ Chris spreading such wonderful things upon the Native Americans, like small pox and the age-old favorite– syphilis. In return, they gave him parrots and cotton balls. Sounds like a fair trade to me!

Hey guys, I just heard Peyton Manning played against Tom Brady. ZOMG! Its a shame those two don’t have some sort of history that could be exploited ad nauseum. What was that Mark Florio? Oh, that’s your ‘O’ face. Okay then. Point it towards someone else. Peter King maybe, since he’s making the same face. Actually no, don’t do that, it looks like the poster for The Human Centipede. I immediately regret my advice.

I got my Uggs on and am applying neck-aids cream by the gallon, so let’s get this party started.

Tom Brady – Only I can be photogenic!  The Dreamboat was 3-3 in getting PI calls. Oh, also went 23-31/223/1-0.

Drew Brees – Just wondering, did anyone care of Johnny Unitas’ record before last week? Breesus did his thang, and if you missed it, they only re-played it about 28,921 times, and made about 17,583 graphics about it. There was so much hotness about Brees going on that the viewership got a yeast infection. #Oscar-baiting. 29-45/370/4-1.

Kirk Cousins – I am now anointing Cousins as KC1, even though he threw two Cousinsception’s. But don’t worry, this guy is right next to his phone… waiting… wanting… yearning… 5-9/111/1-2

Jay Cutler – Mark it down: 7:03 PM EST, October 7th, 2012– Jay Cutler smiles. Or was that a sneeze? 23-39/292/2-1.

Victor Cruz – It looks like Cruz has responded to his new diet. Some chick in a mascot costume, of which looks like an over-sized bobble-head doll made in a dirty alley in the Yangtze province, brings him fresh jerk chicken soup right there on the sidelines. It seems strange to a simpleton fan like myself, but it appears to be paying dividends. 5/50/3.

Andrew Luck – The announcers called Andrew Luck “Roethlisberger-esque”, but I’m confused. I didn’t witness him go into the bathroom and ask/make a female hold his concussed swollen footballs of forced unrequited love. Alas, the game just wasn’t meant to be for the Packers, whose last two-minute drive sponsor was guest coach Andy Reid. PSA: Please watch your step when exiting the Packer’s bandwagon. To their credit, Luck and the Colts did their best ‘ef leukemia!’ war-cry, so good for them. 31-55/362/2-1.

Jermichael Finley – Who else is rooting for a season-ending injury? Just stop teasing bro. I mean, is it just me, or is watching the Packers offense equate to dating a bi-polar emo chick? 3/11/0.

Robert Griffin III – Went down with a concussion in the 3rd quarter after Shanahan’s strategy of calling for RG-III to either roll-out for a 1-yard pass play or run and hug the closest defensive lineman he can find in his general vicinity backfired. Unbelievable, I know. Luckily, his strategy of drafting Kirk Cousins in the 3rd round has finally come full circle. Mystery solved! 10-15/91/0-0.

Chris Johnson – You are witness to the transition. CJ2Ypc, the running-back formerly known as CJ2K. 15/24/0.

Ryan Matthews – What? No obligatory red-zone fumble? Criminy! 12/80/1.

Cam Newton – Doing his best to look downright Culpepperish. Actually, I might upgrade that to Jamarcusish depending on next weeks play. 12-29/141/0-0 and 7/42/0.

Peyton Manning – Agent- “So, have you given any thought to endorsing Romney?” Manning- “Never heard of them, what do they make?” Agent- “He’s running for president.” Manning- “How much?” Agent- “Name it.” The Broncos must hate to play in all that thick sea-level air, as the only thing they really did that I took note of was causing an over abundance of Manningface. They simply could do nothing with the Pats defensive pass strategy– just let the other team drop it. 31-44/345/3-0.

Ray Rice – It looked like Cam Cameron was up to his old tricks as I think there was a thirty minute period where Rice only touched the ball 7 times. I guess you could say Cameron’s only taking what the defense is giving. Right up the butt. Luckily for the Ravens, Matt Cassel and the Chiefs were too busy sucking, seeing as how they made a 3-point deficit insurmountable. After studying film, I’ve discovered that when Cassel yells “Omaha! Omaha!”, the team is going for a loss of yardage. Interesting strategy, to be sure. The better course was bringing in Brady Quinn after Cassel went down with an injury, or what I like to call, losing the will to live. KC, say goodbye to liver. But back to Rice; he manged to rush over 100 yards in what was a moderately decent baseball game.  17/102/0.

Trent Richardson – The Browns should just have 10 lineman and Richardson. It can’t be any worse than what their doing. 17/81/1.

Philip Rivers – So, I’m pretty much drunk at this point. All I remember is a stoned Atari Bigby, laserface Rivers, and that Norv got his face re-stucco’d. Good call Norv. Oh, and the officiating in the last two minutes was replacement referee-ish. Awesome. 27-42/354/2-1.

Ben Roethlisberger – Turns out the best way to beat the wide-9 is just three steps back and be 250 pounds. Go figure. 21-37/207/0-0.

Mike Wallace – He did a great job trying to lower his asking price in free agency next year. 2/17/0.

Russell Wilson – “Update on Seattle-Carolina. This game sucks balls, we will no longer update you on it.” — Scott Hanson, NFL RedZone. Man, remember when people were all excited about Russell Wilson? That was like, so long ago. Two weeks maybe? 19-25/221/1-2.

Danny Woodhead – The most gritty man in the world. He doesn’t always wear a hat, but when he does, he wears a hat with a piece of wood on it. It’s too bad Woodyard hadn’t tackled Woodhead in the game. Do that repeatably in the wilderness if you need to start a fire. 7/47/0.

Michael Vick – Andy Reid doesn’t want these timeouts. Here, you take them. Now that we got the obligatory mention of Andy Reid’s game management fail out of the way, let’s move on to Vick and the Eagles. So yeah, running the ball had been effective against the Steelers, but let’s mix things up and have Vick go into the shotgun more and hope that they can’t rush anyone and that the offensive line suddenly knows what they’re doing. That should work! Even though I had expected Suisham to Cundiff the last second field goal, twas not to be. And instead of the Eagles becoming the worst 4-1 team ever, they had to settle being the worst 3-2 team ever. Them’s the way it goes sometimes. 20-30/175/2-0 and 5/16/0 with 3 fumbles. (Shannon Sharpe had an explanation for Vick’s fumbles, but no one understood him.)

Reggie Wayne – He had a huge game with big catches at key moments. He was #Chuckstrong, which, surprisingly, is not a thing about projectile vomiting in a forceful manner. 13/212/1.

BAL DEF – Little Girl- “Ray, what’s your favorite color?” RayRay- “RED MOTHERFUDGER! RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF CHRIST ON MY KNIFE AFTER I STABBED THAT BIZNITCH FOR SNITCHING ON ME TO GOD!” Little Girl- “Ray, what’s your favorite animal?” RayRay- “Sea-turtles.” 72 Tackles, 0 Sacks, 0 TD’s. All in all, it wasn’t a very good effort. Lucky they were playing a KC team that wanted no part of the end-zone. Or any yardage in general.

CHI DEF – The Bears would like to formally announce that they are going to play defense for the rest of the season. Case in point? Jacksonville offensive yardage in the third quarter: -1 yard. 37 Tackles, 3 Sacks, 2 TD’s.

Yo yo yo, what does a Charger fan do when they win the Superbowl? They turn off the X-Box. Oh snap son! Well… this is the end my friends. But fear not my brothers, and hopefully hot sisters. I will be spotlighting the SNF game from here on out. If you want more of my style, you are in luck friends. Join me as we recycle, reduce, and re-use everything that pigskin has mercifully given us. Unless you’re a fan of the Old Testament. Then we’re all screwed, and, I guess according to scripture, marked for death. I’ll see you next week for GB vs TEX. I guess you can call it the eternal fight between ‘drunk cheese lovers’ vs. ‘white people that like alligator boots and rubber nad’s on their Chevy truck rear bumper’. Peace my peeps.

  1. Mike says:
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    Need to stream a defense this week
    Miami at home vs rams
    Or Tampa at home vs KC
    Standard league
    Thanks!

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Mike, I guess you could flip a coin. I’m leaning Tampa though…

  2. Suck for Luck says:
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    trade offer

    I receive, Adrian Peterson and Dez Bryant
    I give up Calvin Johnson

    My current running backs are
    J. Charles
    M. Turner
    DeAngelo Williams
    Shonn Greene

    Current receivers are
    Calvin Johnson
    Greg Jennings
    Michael Crabtree
    Domenick Hixon
    Andre Roberts

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Suck for Luck, Yeah, I’m fine with that.

  3. Muph says:
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    Time to drop Jermicheal Finley? If so here are my waiver options. Thanks

    Olsen
    Celek
    Cook
    Gresham
    Tamme

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Muph, its sooo hard though… he’ll make us all a cutter. If he’s costing you games, I might take a look at Celek.

      • Muph says:
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        @jaywrong,

        Yeah he cost me this week 2 point loss…thanks ill take a look at celek although I like seeing that cook is still getting targets even in locker’s absense.

        One last question on a drop or hold player…Im sure you saw the Patriots decide to go for it on 4th and 5 on the 35 yard line have they lost faith in Gostkowski? I usually hate putting any though into a kicker but that 1 kick cost me this week as well…

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:
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          @Muph, yeah, I’m not sure. When watching it, I just thought Billy was just kinda doing something to catch the Denver D napping maybe. I just feel if they have lost faith, then they would have called in a new kicker to take over.

          What’s out there on the wire? Novak might be worth a look.

          • Muph says:
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            @jaywrong,

            Not much in terms of waivers, might give Barth (TB) a shot he hasnt missed all year and his bye week is up so I can roll with him ROS. My league has a really shallow bench this year, no room for back up kickers haha. Thanks again

            • Jay

              jaywrong says:
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              @Muph, I hear ya!

  4. Captain Kirk says:
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    Advice on trade offer in 0.5 ppr league:

    I give up:

    Vernon Davis
    Darren Sproles
    Andrew Hawkins

    I receive:

    Jamaal Charles
    Lance Moore

    Thoughts?

    • Captain Kirk says:
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      and my back up TE is Dennis PItta

      • Jay

        jaywrong says:
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        @Captain Kirk, Hmm, I’d hold. Not liking what I see from KC at the moment.

  5. Ryan says:
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    Hi, need help on a trade offer:

    I give: Doug Martin, James Jones
    I get: Larry Fitz, Pats D/ST

    My roster:
    QB: Brees
    RB: Sproles, Leshoure, Martin, Battle
    WR: Harvin, Wallace, Jones, Garcon, Hawkins
    TE: Olsen, Cook
    K: Walsh
    D/ST: Bengals
    Its a PPR league where we start 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 TE and 1 RB/WR/TE flex.

    What do you think? Thank you!

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Ryan, I like Fitz, but I see major regression for the Card’s, and I don’t know about the Pats D. I think I would hold at this point. Let’s just say I wouldn’t berate you for pulling the trigger.

      • Jay

        jaywrong says:
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        @jaywrong, ^though. (placed after trigger.) ENGLISH!

  6. J says:
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    Where would you rank Ridley for the ROS, after his second monster performance in as many weeks? Would you rather have him or TRich?

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @J, Well, he’s been a top-5 fringe guy so far this season. I could see some regression, but the Pat’s love this new balanced attack.

      I think TRich finishes with more yards, but Ridley might get more TD’s.

      Its tough, but I’d lean on Ridley slightly as he can feed off of what Brady does and vica versa. I can’t argue if you go the other way though.

      BTW, I love TD’s. Even different sized ones. I’m more of a lefty man though.

      • J says:
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        @jaywrong, I hear you on the TDs. I’ve been digging them more recently considering October is breast cancer awareness month.

        My issues with Ridley are Belichick and his Shanahan-esque usage tendencies, along with Ridley losing another costly fumble yesterday. I just hope he doesn’t wind up in the dog house. Richardson will provide more consistent touches, but his terrible team make me question his upside.

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:
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          @J, I, too, hate breast cancer. You could say it is my nemesis.

          I agree with everything you said. I drafted TRich on many teams this year and expect good things. However, like you alluded to, the team play can dictate what comes out of the RB position, so its hard to judge.

          Ridley has more risk, no doubt.

  7. Eddie says:
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    Trade offer my Miles Austin for Steve Johnson non ppr I have Murray and it frustrates me to have 2 players from the same teams starting every week. Any thoughts I know Johnson has not been great but he has faced some tough defenses and I feel like im upgrading from a WR2 to a WR1 in terms of rest of season production.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Eddie, I’m with you on this one.

  8. Drexel Hill Dragons says:
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    Oy, Ryan Williams is out for the rest of the season.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Drexel Hill Dragons, sigh.

      • Murph says:
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        @jaywrong,

        Who is in line for the starting job? not that they will have much of a fantasy impact.

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:
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          @Murph, Ryan Williams didn’t have much either… but we could say the same thing about cj2ypc as well… and then you just look at where the difference in draft position was.

          I’m betting its Powell with Stephens-Howling cleaning up the garbage. Keep an eye on Alfonso Smith though, if he gets something going, they could easily stick with the hot hand.

  9. Yeah I’d say that’s a pretty good day for Reggie Wayne.. But then again, if you ask Colin Cowherd (I occassionaly let myself get sucked into his pseudo-intellectual bullshit) Andrew Luck has absolutely no one to throw to and he’s the best rookie QB of all time!! He mentioned T.Y. Hilton, Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen 3 times each and not once in his 10 minute-long ball washing of Luck did Reggie Wayne’s name come up… And now I will apologize for utterting the name Colin Cowherd

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @doncoburleone, he looks like Rob Neyer’s skeleton.

  10. ergot says:
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    Which of the 3 should I piuck up in a PPR: James Jones, Andre Roberts, or Brandon Gibson?
    Thanks

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @ergot, I’m leaning Jones at the moment.

  11. Murph says:
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    Drop Big Ben for Andrew Luck?

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Murph, Wow. Hmm. It’s tough, but I’d hold. He has the Bengals, Titans, and Skins coming up.

      • Murph says:
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        @jaywrong,

        Yeah I know, just looking ahead to Matt Ryan’s bye week where he has cleveland @ home.

        • Jay

          jaywrong says:
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          @Murph, It’s tempting. Raper is @ Cincy that week… yeah, I’m tempted to go with Luck on that game.

  12. Trey says:
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    Why does Ryan Matthews get such a bad rep for fumbling? He’s had only one this season. In the past eight games, he’s put the ball on the ground twice only loosing it once. That hardly sounds like a problem. Very happy to own him in one of my leagues.

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:
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      @Trey, I grew up in San Diego, so the Chargers are my team. I love Ryan Matthews. That being said…

      RM – 27 Games Played, 11 Fumbles, One fumble every 42.45 touches.

      If you want context, I give you LT.

      LT – 170 Games Played, 30 Fumbles, One fumble every 127.00 touches.

      To say he doesn’t have a fumbling problem is to not know RM. I think he’ll grow out of it, but his fumbles have been costly and at bad moments (like the ATL game.) You could say this doesn’t affect FF to the same degree as real life, but it does. We’ve already seen him used sparingly in KC and not starting in NO. Now, he’ll dig himself out, but he’s a risky play right now.

      I’m rooting for him though, very explosive back. I think he’s right on the cusp.

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