I am back from my football blogging sabbatical and ready for the off season. I have no interest in this crumby Super Bowl, so I’m ready to dive right into the offseason. What better way to start than to review the 2017 season? There could have been stuff that you missed, you never know. Maybe something that you read in this will stick in your brain until your draft season in August. Will you remember which article you read it from? Probably not, It’s January.

I’m surprised you even clicked on this, you must be bored. What you will probably remember from my posts when your drafts roll around in August is my grotesque misunderstanding of English grammar. I’ll probably over use some commas, or not use enough commas. Do they teach 6th grade grammar at the local community college? Better yet, maybe you would prefer that I disperse of fantasy football knowledge through the use of emojis. That would be edgy, and no one has done it yet! (Simpsons did it!) Alright stop. I’m going to go through the quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, and tight ends to let you know what stuck out to me this season. Today, let’s start with the quarterbacks and running backs.

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We are now more than two-thirds and less than three-quarters of the way through the NFL season (#math), which means your league should be right at its trading deadline as you try to shore up those running back slots for a playoff run. Making matters more interesting the last couple weeks were a bunch of injuries that should clear up some playing time for running backs who were either riding the bench or snoozing on the waiver wire. Like Samaje Perine, for example.

I liked Perine coming into the season for a number of reasons. The biggest was that I think Rob Kelley stinks, so I figured Perine would take over that job and keep it at some point. Kelley has been injured off an on for most of the season, and Perine has gotten some chances and not done much with them. But those were week-to-week situations, with Kelley lingering in the background as he got healthy, so you knew that Perine would have to get hot in order to keep the job. And even if he did, Kelley would probably still be there to vulture and eat into the share of touches.

But Kelley is gone now and was placed on injured reserve. Making matters more interesting, Chris Thompson, who was averaging roughly a gazillion fantasy points per game earlier this season by taking swing passes to the house, joined him on injured reserve on Tuesday. That leaves Samaje Perine all by his lonesome with all those touches. His backup, Byron Marshall, was on the Eagles practice squad last week and is nothing more than a third-down running back/wide receiver hybrid and return man.

The time has come for you to consider a Perine implant. In his first game as the dude, Perine put up 126 total yards and a touchdown. More importantly, he got 24 touches (23 carries and one reception) on Sunday, while Thompson seeing five before leaving with a fractured fibula. If you need a running back and can find that kind of volume on the waiver wire or in a trade that shouldn’t be very expensive (don’t overpay, but check in on his price), you have to pull the trigger.

If you have a solid team but are maybe one running back short of a real run, Perine could be your guy. Maybe you’re like me and have been alternating one spot between Bilal Powell, Matt Forte, Marlon Mack, and someone from the Seahawks all year. Perine can be our savior, guys.

Now, to the charts!

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As expected, we had a triumphant trade deadline in the NFL. The names that we were seeing at the end of the night yesterday aren’t necessarily the big names that ended up being moved. The Colts ended up staying put with their offensive weapons that were being brought up. The Dolphins didn’t move Jarvis Landry as expected. Calvin Johnson will stay retired, at least for the remainder of 2017. Now, Martavis Bryant will be back in the game plan for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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Everyone knows the Rams moved from St. Louis to Los Angeles in 2016. Not everyone knows that yours truly did as well. And no, I did not follow the team to LA. I’m no Rams fan; for that matter neither were most of my friends and associates in St. Louis, and even if they were, it wasn’t like the love they showed for the Cardinals. The Rams didn’t have a good setup in the Lou; no tailgating, crappy stadium, bad location, terrible team. I’m not at all surprised they moved, and I doubt many have noticed in that baseball town.

Not surprisingly an embarrassing first season in LA led to poor fan support at games however things are looking up this season. Funnily enough, in either market, if the Rams put a good product out on the field people will go, and people are going now, to see the Goff and Gurley show. But before we get to the fun let’s just reiterate the rules: This is Free Agent Auction Bidding. Or FAAB for the faabulous ones, and we started the season with $100. By now we should have less. How much? I have an average of $25…

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Well, hello my lovelies! Have you missed me over the past two weeks? I know I missed all of you. Being an international sex symbol and all around catch has been exhausting. My Sugar Daddy decided to fly me all over the world for the past two weeks and hence, no time to pay attention to any of you. Well, not really, but it sounded good in my head as I was writing it. How are we faring? It seems none of us can escape a week without the loss of one of our beloved on our rosters and right now our teams are so ugly you wouldn’t even f**k it with your buddy’s d*ck. It’s understandable. Eventually, the lights have to come on after last call and no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are looking at a winner, there isn’t enough tequila in the world to make that team look sexy enough to bang. Well, that’s where I come in. Let me be your bartender and slip you a roofie or two as we journey into Week 9 of the 2017 season. Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, I give you Hit it or Quit it, Week 9!

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Happy Halloween fantasy football team owners! Hopefully this week’s bye week teams won’t haunt you for the rest of the season. The league’s third-highest scoring QB (Tom Brady), best WR (Antonio Brown), two of the league’s best RBs (Le’Veon Bell and Melvin Gordon) and the league’s 2nd best TE (Rob Gronkowski) are all out this week so you’ll need to make smart adds to stay floating down here!

Speaking of Tom Brady — I need your help to solve an argument. I was discussing with some of my friends about who is the best player of all time in each of the four major sports. Hockey is obviously Wayne Gretzky, basketball is Michael Jordan (for now), baseball could be Barry Bonds, but who is the best NFL player of all time? I’m leaning towards Brady, but was told to “chill” on that assessment. What do you all think?

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There are a lot of obvious start & sit candidates for this week. Patriots vs Falcons? Give me everyone involved in the passing game. Bucs/Bills? I don’t want anything to do with the Bucs offense. Rams vs Cardinals? I’m bullish on the Rams. Start your stars and take a shot on some of these guys below if you’re suffering through the Texans/Lions bye week like I am. I own Deshaun Watson, DeAndre Hopkins and Lamar Miller in one of my leagues. I’m prepared for the L, but will be trusting my own advice in this article. Live by the Razz, die by the Razz!

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Are you sick of the bye weeks already? For player safety I advocate for two while as a fantasy player zero works. The early games on Sunday were, how do you say, not exciting…Red Zone couldn’t even make them all work as I paused the games around halftime, ran an errand, starting watching again and after a few minutes fast-forwarded (zoom-zoomed is the sound I make when I do it) through way more than I expected to.

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After last week’s boring as hell waiver wire we’re back this week with some real options. Not the sexiest of options, mind you, but more (the ol’ quantity over quality). Remember we’re going with $100 FAAB dollars (though most of you probably have much less than that, and I’m working off the loose assumption you have about $50 or so left so adjust accordingly):

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