Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we’ll be there. If  Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we’ll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we’ll be there. You get the point…. Wait.?!?! That’s not what this post covers?…. It’s about running back committee’s? …Hmmm I don’t think that’s right. Jay, I think we have a problem…..I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le’veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay… I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I’ll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I’ll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I’ll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I’ll probably switch to more of a “handcuffs to watch format”, where I’ll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we’ll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I’m cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered?  Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said “cops use”… do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That’s Why!!!

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I hath arrived, my children! Wait, where are the doves? I told you I wanted to come back to the releasing of doves like I was on a John Woo set, Jay, and all I see are bread crumbs and a bunch of pigeons. I get it, we’re a little more low budget here than the Razzball Baseball side of things but it’s bad enough you couldn’t take the brown M&M’s out of the bowl before taking them to my trailer. And speaking of trailer, where did this rust bucket come from? Like, did you buy this off some yokel from West Virginia? Smells like someone’s been cooking meth in here…but I guess I’m already on set so enough with the complaining. Though I DO expect at least a cheese plate at this point, thank you very much. Anyways, the last time I was around these parts, I was saying my sad and tearful goodbyes as the lead writer over here but did promise I’d be back in the Fall. Well, if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Fall there too, right? And while we’re on the topic, this is a shout out to my family members that always ask why I’m not coming to see you in the dead of winter. Oh, I don’t know, because you live in a snowy part of Idaho and want me to drive 9 hours during the worst time of the year to travel to do it? I can say Merry Xmas over the phone. Heck, we could even Skype if you really wanna see my scruffy mug. Next year, we’re all having Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years over a vacation week in the middle of July. That way the only car wrecks will happen in the parking lot when Grandma tries to drive and get yet another 5th of Jack. Heart you, Grandma…but enough of this, you don’t even know what a Scott Fish Bowl is and we’re over 300 words in so lets get started. Here’s my Scott Fish Bowl team for the 2014 Fantasy Football season…

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Greetings and salutations, one and all. You’re here for the all important last rankings review of the 2013 Fantasy Football season. We went back through all the important ones so far like the Top 20 Quarterbacks, Top 20 Tight Ends, Top 20 Wide Receivers, Top 40 Wide Receivers, Top 20 Running Backs, and now that we’ve gone to the end of the road…still I can’t let go. How many guys out there wanted to be Michael McCary? Like, who needs to sing when you sound like a subwoofer when you talk? If the movie Private Parts taught me anything, it’s not the size of the speaker, it’s how close you stick the woofer to your tweeter. But yeah, enough innuendo, this is recap time. A time to reflect on the year that was in the hopes we can glean a bit about what year is to come so that we can repeat the same mistakes and sit depressed eating a gallon of ice cream while watching The Bachelor, crying…forever alone. Some of these names will be expected, some un and others ‘ummm…’ but over all there’s as much hope in this group as their was in the top 20 so keep your minds and hearts open y’all, cuz if you don’t I’m going to get a bone saw and a rib spreader to show you how, m’kay? But enough about my unorthodox version of the board game Operation, let’s have at it. Here’s the Top 40 Running Backs from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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Oh week 16, why do you come along and always make things weird? It’s championship week, could you f’ing not? The Fantasy Football season was trending along just fine, thank you very much, and you come in to a crowded room where everyone is dancing and fart as loudly as you could without even so much as a hint of being embarrassed. Miley Cyrus comes in like a Wrecking Ball, you just come in like William Hung. So of course in a week like this, I just have to rank Andy Dalton in a spot that makes me feel ridiculously odd but what can I say? You know the old addage: red on the head like a dick on a Dalton…or maybe not. IDK, you know I hate this guy but I try not to let my emotions get in the way when the sitch fits and this one fits like a Christina Hendricks top: it covers everything but definitely leaves you wanting to see a bit more. I think I’m mixing my analogies now so let’s just say why we like Andy now, shall we? First, he’s a different type of ginger at home with a 14:5 TD to INT ratio and almost a 20 point swing in QB rating. What makes this matchup all the bestier is the team they’re playing: the Vikings or as I like to call them ‘the second worst defense against opposing QBs behind Dallas’. That’s really hard to fit on a jersey, though, so we’ll just call that their nickname. There’s no reason Dalton shouldn’t put up top 5 numbers this week in my opinion. In other rankings ranklings, wanna know what else the Vikings can’t defend? Yeah, opposing running backs…oh heck who are we kidding, they can’t defend anything. The Illusionist GOB should have a field day, especially in PPR formats as Minnesota gives up 6 receptions a game to opposing backs. Consider BJGE a nice flex option by default while we’re at it. Meanwhile, Jordan Toddman is asking for a High Five. In other news, Greg Little…wow. Again, Championship Week, you’re making it weird. At Tight End…c’mon fellow rankers! Ertz gets a prime matchup and he usually takes advantage when they’re presented. May not be a huge day but a red zone target and about 40 yards total and we’re good for TE. My sweet Carolina defense call? The Saints just had their mardi gras beads handed to them on the road by the Rams. NOLA isn’t the same away from the dome and I think the Panthers pounce at home for a division lead. And regarding Jacksonville: when others Jig, I Jaguar. Kickers were selected by sending them to the mall for last minute christmas shopping on a Saturday. Only those who came back to retell their sad tale were chosen. But enough about the joy of the season, let’s talk shop. Here’s the rankings for week 16 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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Razzball Nation!  I’m filling in for Sky this morning in the football recap, as Sky was called by Al Davis for a possible CB job opening.  That would be scary for multiple reasons!  Man Oakland was brutal.  Long live the Chiefs offense!  Jamaal Charles had a historic game (6th highest fantasy output in non-PPR since 1960), making the Raiders D look worse than some of those Raiders costumes.  The real Rocky Horror Picture Show was the pass D, as JC Superstar enlightened fantasy owners with 8 catches (on 8 targets) for 195 yards and 4 TDs.  Plus an extra 20 on the ground with a score there.  Straight video game numbers!  “RB screen, X, X, X!”  Actually that sounds like a porn title.  I’ll have to ask Tehol about that one.  Charles has been effing fantastic this year, and I think easily the fantasy MVP.  Sure you could argue Peyton Manning, but if you have JC and you’re somehow not waltzing through the playoffs than you only have yourself to blame!  Is he fantasy’s #1 pick next year?  I don’t see how you could resist.  If someone really wanted Adrian Peterson, I’d turn to them after that pick ala the 1,000-year old dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and go “he chose poorly…”  While some teams had their dreams melt away, others are marching into the finals with the rest of the week 15 happenings…

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I’m not one to talk the trash or put someone in a verbal vice-grip, but when it comes down to knocking off my fellow RCL writers I feel the urge to gloat. Just a little. Despite my Red Sox World Series hangover of 2004 proportions, your humble-but-nonetheless-bloviating Guru took down JB’s undefeated team that is cleverly named “JB Gilpin” last week and he spent most of Sunday crying to me on the phone about “bye weeks” and how his cat doesn’t “understand” him. Sorry JB, I don’t know how to help you with Mittens, but bad things happen when you assemble your roster after 14 wine coolers. The one and only “Tis Tehol” also fell to your turban clad friend last week. Of course Tehol was too busy checking the progress of his receding hairline to set his roster again, but I’ll take the win. Tehol, are you so mesmerized by your Drakkar drenched banana hammock that you can’t find a tight end to start? However, my first place 6-2 “Scotch Fueled Gurus” lost to an unknown 12-year-old “expert” somewhere in Pennsylvania Amish country whose trash smackin’ prose made Richie Incognito look like Maya Angelou. The kid told me my turban smells like my grandma’s…well, you know, then he beat me 20 points. I feel so bullied. *one lonely tear drops* However, the jammer crammers have been coming through for us this year. Last weeks jams of Terrelle Pryor and Tim Wright were solid plug ‘n’ plays. Let’s forget I suggested jamming on the New Orleans defense, okay? Overall, we have hit on about 70% of our jammer/crammers in any given week. I’m not ready to surrender my turban just yet, my Razzballer’s. And I certainly won’t hand it over to a prepubescent, Fall Out Boy loving kid that sleeps in his Ben Roethlisberger footie pajamas while his mommy rubs his heiny and tells him how special it is. By the way, kid, my dad can beat up your dad. It’s time to jam it or cram it.

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I have a 17 week season to cover and by comparison to baseball, it’s usually pretty easy to come up with a title that I both feel comfortable with and feel hasn’t been abused to death at the point in which I post it. But that’s mainly because I rarely have to write about the same person twice as the lede within a given season. Well, tonight made that kinda hard to avoid. Welcome back to center stage, Giovani Bernard, and thank you from the multiple teams I own you on for your night. After giving you the nickname ‘GOB’ from Arrested Development, I realized this understood his ‘Illusionist’ nickname so I have decided not to rest on these known tropes. Instead, I’ll forge down the Duran Duran path because…yeah, no good reason. it’s a blog about fantasy sports and I’m not on the cover of Yahoo Fantasy so I do what I want to do, when I want to do it and whatever time I so choose. I’m a diva like that. But to be fair, I need to point you to this run: RIGHT HERE. That was some straight up Barry Houdini Sanders chit, y’all! Which brings me back to my nickname: The Illusionist. After GOB Bluth. Don’t fight it, it’s there. Let it roll of your tongue onto twitter with a #Razzball after it it and get the ball rolling! But in all seriousness, this is the guy many suggested you draft and this is why you drafted him: 104 total yards with 4 receptions and 2 TDs on a night that could’ve been deemed near to Fantasy Football worthless outside of defenses, Gio-B delivered and any team that doesn’t own him right now is just jelly. Moving forward, I’d normally be concerned with a ‘rookie wall’ but I don’t feel he deals with enough carries to make that a concern. The rib injury? Eh, maybe a small concern but it sounds like he avoided any major issues on that front. Moving forward, you still have yourself a cheap RB2 in both standard and PPR formats in my book. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news…

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With Nick Foles showing the world why Michael Vick was the starting quarterback for Philadelphia, Reggie Wayne tearing his ACL, Doug Martin injuring his shoulder (DO NOT DROP HIM YET), and the future of both Arian Foster and Ben Tate now up in the air following their bye week, this week has been a mess, but we still have to press on. Here are your bad and good matchups for week 8.

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Ugh.  My bench calls last week, in a way to sum them up, is like the Vikings this season.  AP has to go through an unimaginable tragedy, then there’s rumors of him being traded, then they bring in a scrapheap of a QB in Josh Freeman who is going to start.  On a lighter note, ESPN wants the head of whomever scheduled the Monday Night Football games this year.  Wait – that’s lighter?  Ummm, yea if Joe Pesci is the head-deliverer!

I hated going into LSD this week.  Haha, a sentence I never thought I’d say… But yeah, it was a brutal week, and despite utterly clobbering the other Razzball Writers and being one of the handful of teams undefeated in RCLs, I just can’t quite seem to hit my stride in Last Second Decisions so far this year.  But what is hitting its stride is RCL Basketball, and we’re gearing up for the best and biggest season we’ve ever had over there on hoops.  If you need your fantasy get-me-over when NFL is over and until Baseball and daily Grey-dates (what I call Grey updates, but now realize that sounds like a Cougar dating site term), hoops is you perfect go-to through the second half of Winter to early Spring.

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Unfortunately I am not Bryan Cranston or Jessie Pinkman (he plays himself, right?) and I am not Breaking Bad.  Well I am in the Razzball Writer’s League!  Wait, by breaking bad I mean doing good.  Kinda the antithesis of my metaphor here.  Scrap that open – I’m too lazy to hold down delete though…

Whilst I break bad in the Razzball Writer’s league, I’m looking at a 4-1 then two 3-2 and two 2-3 teams.  I know you’re yelling at your computer, “I don’t care about JB’s leagues!”  But what I’m trying to get at is that week 6 is right when I want to be sure I’m breaking mediocrity.  If I’m below .500 heading into week 6 it means I’m 2-4 and probably toast.  Or 1-5 or 0-6, and only consuming alcohol.  So in those two 2-3 record leagues, I’m staring down the barrel of some really horrible matchups.  I feel like the Jags this week.

And if you’re looking for one the absolute sweetest blue ice fantasy contests this weekend, DraftKings still has an exclusive double up contest for us at Razzball that has a ton of spots open.  Easiest way to double your money you’ll find all weekend.  Unless of course, you want to risk working for Heisenberg – and by that I mean in ABQ not any of the RCL teams!  (Sky is going to get angry for using Breaking Bad references in my open since that’s his meth, isn’t he?  But I’m the one who knocks!)

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