As expected, we had a triumphant trade deadline in the NFL. The names that we were seeing at the end of the night yesterday aren’t necessarily the big names that ended up being moved. The Colts ended up staying put with their offensive weapons that were being brought up. The Dolphins didn’t move Jarvis Landry as expected. Calvin Johnson will stay retired, at least for the remainder of 2017. Now, Martavis Bryant will be back in the game plan for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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So yeah, I get it, the title is a bit overused in today’s parlance with the bizarre yet hypnotizing Adult Swim “horror-comedy-90’s sitcom” experience bringing the idiom back into style. Combined with the fact that I’d faint if you told me that this headline hadn’t been used by any other football writer before today when referring to Brandin Cooks (seen above with the 11-yard touchdown)… yeah, that saying’s been here before. But how apt! How meta I say! Because that’s exactly how I felt about last night’s prime time rematch of last year’s Super Bowl (did you know? You’d think they would mention that at least once last night!) that 95% of the Northeast tuned out of in the third quarter. There was some horror, some comedy, and of course Bill Belichek carries the whole 90’s sitcom vibe all by himself… but ultimately, it seemed to be a game that’d we’d all seen before and we were all the worse for it. And sure, while it might have been the Falcon’s gameplan all along, to give the Patriots a 23-point lead only to start a miraculous comeback of their own… problem was, the comeback never came and the Falcons looked about as good in the first three quarters yesterday as they did in the last quarter in the aforementioned Super Bowl. But there was fog! And lots of it! (I can’t find confirmation if it was coming out of Cris Collinsworth’s or Bob Costas’ mouth.) So instead of calling this a Super Bowl rematch, maybe we should call it the “Trent Green Bowl”? Kind of an “NFL’s concept” of what it’s like travelling through Trent Green’s head. You know, minus the purple bears and robot unicorns…

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Welcome back to my weekly rankings, folks! Injuries are ravaging our rosters, but the show must go on. Last week I had some good calls, such as Chris Hogan over Brandin Cooks, Doug Martin was in my top-15 running backs, I had Austin Seferian-Jenkins in my top-7 tight ends, and DeShaun Watson was a top-5 QB for me. I had my fair share of bad calls too. Mike Evans and Todd Gurley did not outperform the rest of their positions, I left Cam Newton just outside of my top 10 quarterbacks, and Devante Parker didn’t get the chance to be a top-10 WR for the week.

Let’s try this again, I will be updating these throughout the week, sometimes 436 times per day! Here are my Week 6 rankings…

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First they came for David Johnson, and I did not speak out – Because I did not draft him. Then they came for Allen Robinson, and I did not speak out — Because I did not care about the Jaguars. Then they came for Greg Olson, and I did not speak out — Because he was just a tight end. Then they came for Odell Beckham Jr. — and there was no one left that could medically attend to my liver and rescue my fantasy team. Exactly how hurt is OBJ? Well, despite bringing out one of those weird curtains that they break out when a horse goes down on the track before carting him off the field… I’d say not good. It’s a broken leg (I guess I could have GIF’d the injury, but nothing is as cringe-inducing as watching a human body part break in slow motion… and all of our uncles drunk at Thanksgiving), so one first has to ask, how do we define “broken”? Well, I’m no doctor, but experts have told me (i.e. I know how to Google) that it was his fibula and that an MRI to check for ligament damage took place earlier today, but one thing’s for certain (unless Ian Rapport is involved), OBJ is gone for a while. (Along with the rest of the Giants receivers. Seriously, read the injury report further down after the jump… I feel like stigmata is next.) I still have to ask though, for the sake of my aforementioned liver… If Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?

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Last week I promised that I would dedicate the following week to subjecting myself to the save level of scrutiny I have spent the past two weeks bestowing upon the author of ESPN’s weekly fantasy football Love/Hate article. Well fast forward to today and it is now next week. You like how I did that. I didn’t need a flux capacitor, 88 MPH or 1.21 gigawatts to launch us into the future. Eat your heart out Doc. On a related note, did you hear they are doing a remake of Back To The Future with Will Smith’s son as Marty McFly. Donald Trump will be playing Biff Tannen.

Well I guess it’s time to see just how much I am going to ridicule myself. Without further adieu…

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Alright guys, welcome to Week 5 of the NFL season! We now have official hit #byeszn, so today I’ll be sprinkling in some under-the-radar plays so you guys can get some fillers for those players on bye this week. Enough chatter, let’s get to some Razzball-certified picks!

Check out Rudy’s exclusive DFS and season-long tools that are sure to help you be profitable this fantasy football season!

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My Week 4 recommendations went much better than week 3. I said Deshaun Watson would score “25+ points” and he put up 33. I told you to start James White over Mike Gillislee for his PPR contributions and he scored 14 to Gillislee’s 4. I told you to not even look at Marshawn Lynch and he only scored 1 fantasy point. I even said this about a certain Dolphins QB: “I recommended him last week against the Jets secondary and he laid an 11.7 fantasy point egg on my face! Well, now he’s facing an equally bad Saints secondary who have allowed the second-most passing yards to opposing QBs this year. If _____ fails to capitalize again this year you shan’t see his name again!” As promised — that Dolphins quarterback is He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named!

Here were a few more of my solid start suggestions from Week 4:

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We are a quarter of the way through the fantasy football season. There are some trends that are becoming more or less of a normalcy. Fantasy football performance is almost as unpredictable as the injuries that ravage our rosters. As rankers, we have a big enough sample size to start fading some of the players who performed well in past seasons at our choosing and also consistently moving up players that are having good seasons for more than just their match ups.

Without further ado, here are my Week 5 rankings…

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Last week I tried something new by analyzing another expert’s weekly picks. Some of you did not take very kindly to my approach. If I’m being honest, while you are entitled to your opinion, your comments did not phase me as I’m right back at it again. If you’ve read my posts, both here and on the baseball side of business, you will know that I like to mix it up with respect to post topics. Some weeks you will get an advice column while others will be more of a recap rant. Sometimes I’ll use my math and computer science background to try and analyze the numbers, and once in a while I like to go off the rails and hit you with a wild card. That is exactly what I did last week. If you didn’t like it, I’m not sorry. If you’d prefer to ignore what I have to say, then I’m pretty sure you know how to to not click the link when you see my name announced as the author. If you don’t, then I suggest you pick up the following book.

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Week 3 was a crazy, crazy week. Thanks Trump! I kidd. Blake Bortles, Case Keenum, and Eli Manning all threw for at least three touchdowns, with Bortles throwing four! The Jets dominated. It gets crazier, though. Eight of the games on Sunday had the road teams as favorites. The Jaguars, Colts, Bears, Jets, Bills, and Redskins all took care of business at home. Bow wow wow yipee yo yipee ya! Home dogs! The Lions should have won and the Chargers…well, just scroll down to the recap of that game and all will become clear.

The 2017-2018 Razzball Commenter Leagues for Basketball are now open. Get more info and join here!

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