I mean, after Sunday Night Football‘s barn burner, could my heart take Jets vs. Cardinals? Uh, yeah. Apparently there was room to spare. I’m not quite sure what else to say about whatever it is I watched last night, but it involved Patrick Peterson dressing up as a tyrannosaurus rex. So there’s that, I guess. Yeah, sure, it might have been interesting to see if the Jets could pull off an upset against a pretty meh Cardinals team as a reason to delude themselves into thinking their season wasn’t over yet… But then you remember it’s the Jets in prime time and you wonder what you did to deserve this. And that’s not even including the fact that you have to deal with Chris Berman. I’m going to get five more jobs and work really hard. Then I’m going to save my money and invest some of it. Then I’m gonna cut my costs down as much as I can. Then I’ll be rich. And then I’m going to launch a satellite into space that has a high-powered rail gun on it. And then I’m going to shoot it at Chris Berman. Oh, and David Johnson is the man. That is all.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As we pick up the pieces in Week 8’s aftermath, the injury Gods have once again smiled on me, and shat on all of you. In last week’s post, I proclaimed that I was rooting for injuries from here on out, and as Megadeath once said, “Killing is my business… and business is good!” So do I care that Le’Veon Bell’s knee crumbled like Tehol’s self respect after being tricked into trappin’ on a weekend trip to FLA? No! No, I do not. My job is not to sob with you, oh no. My job is to slap you in the face, get you to man up, stop crying, and prepare for the war ahead. I’m like General Patton, but for fantasy sports and with a Jewish last name. I think the easiest way to put it is, we got injuries y’all. There is a very solid chance that there is a team out there that three weeks ago boasted Jamaal Charles, Arian Foster, Steve Smith, and Joseph Randle. That guy was probably pretty smug at the time, because his team was probably pretty good. Now he’s panicking like a cabbage in an Irish garden. If you were a good friend, you’d send him here, tell him to ask a question, and let him know it will be alright. If you’re anything like me, you’d give him some bad advice, send him here for even worse advice, and bluntly state “You’re screwed Brah”. But let’s forget that hypothetical owner for a moment, his girlfriend is too hot for him anyway, and he smells like mothballs. We got injuries on injuries this week, so let’s get into it. Here are your wavier wire adds for Week 9 of Fantasy Football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bellinjuryw815

Notable injuries yesterday: EVERYONE. That’s correct my friends and fellow fantasy players, the time has come to huddle together and drown in our collective tears. And when I say tears, I don’t just mean the kind that comes out of our eyes. I’m talking the kind that comes happens to our body parts… Chances are, if you had a player on your team playing yesterday, they exploded and tore something. Entire body sections were lost yesterday, as if millions of ACLs and MCLs suddenly cried out in terror and were silenced. Steve Smith? Out for the year with a potentially career-ending Achilles tear. Reggie Bush, carted off the field with a torn ACL. Ryan Fitzpatrick, left the game early in the first quarter. The Chargers entire roster left their game against the Ravens before the second half. (Twelve total players.) Matt Forte, an undisclosed knee injury. In fact, Andrew Luck felt so left out from yesterday’s festivities, reports were released showing that he’s been playing with fractured ribs along with a still-present shoulder injury. And, of course, Le’Veon Bell’s injury (shown above) looms large as we continue to wait on any kind of news. As of now, it appears that Bell has avoided the dreaded ACL injury and that it might just be limited to a MCL injury. That basically means a multi-week setback at best, but doesn’t rule out a season-ending one. [Update: The latest reports show that he did suffer a full tear of his MCL, most likely ending his season.] As of now, DeAngelo Williams returns to the starting role, an area which he excelled at early in the season during Bell’s suspension, and Dri Archer will also see some carries, further proving that he is still as useless as ever. Gentlemen and ladies, these are the times when I realize alcohol is an important part of the life process. Let us drink, and hopefully not be injured while doing so…

Here’s what else I saw during Week 8’s Sunday games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Amen.

I just noticed this, but even though he's really injured, Niles Paul seems like he's looking at my "Amen" right there in total agreement. Actually, probably not. I'm probably just drunk.

I just noticed this, but even though he’s really injured, Niles Paul seems like he’s looking at my “Amen” right there in total agreement. Actually, probably not. I’m probably just drunk.

Or if you’re an atheist like me, no men. Or maybe that’s being sexist. Honestly, who cares? With an offseason full of deflated balls and, well, actually, come to think of it, that’s all I can really remember. Okay, I guess it wasn’t as bad as the last offseason, where people were punched and seasons of some high profile players were already lost, you know, because of said punchings… I guess talking about your/my/Tom Brady’s balls isn’t the worst outcome in the history of man. We’ll just call it a close second. And so it was, six games of football were played last night. Sure, it’s just the first week of the preseason (with more games to come this Saturday!), but any football is good football. And while the notes you’re used to won’t go into regular season mode until the NFL does, I’m still here to overview what happened last night. So shall we dance our first dance? Don’t worry, it’s cool, I already established no men. (Did that land? Hmm, maybe I’m in preseason mode too…)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

CHARLOTTE, NC - DECEMBER 15:  Geno Smith #7 of the New York Jets watches the scoreboard during the final minute of a loss to the Carolina Panthers at Bank of America Stadium on December 15, 2013 in Charlotte, North Carolina. The Panthers won 30-20.  (Photo by Grant Halverson/Getty Images)

Well, Steve Smith wasn’t actually there to throw the punch, but I’d like to think that in loving memory of Smith’s brilliant and punch-happy career, reserve linebacker IK Enemkpali (which, coincidentally, is the name of a Somali pirate ship boat dinghy…) sucker-punched Geno Smith, breaking his jaw and sending to the sideline for six-to-ten weeks.

“It was nothing to do with football. … It was very childish,” coach Todd Bowles said. “He got cold-cocked … sucker punched, whatever you want to call it, in the jaw. He’s got a broken jaw, a fractured jaw.”

The Somali ship boat dinghy was a sixth-round pick back in 2014, and was immediately released by the Jets. I don’t know about you guys, but a successful career in the NFL is usual predicated with not knocking out your own quarterback for more than half the season. I’d have to think this is the last time we hear the name IK Enemkpali. Unless the Patriots sign him as a reclamation project, only to see Tom Brady sucker-punched. Then his name would be: Hero.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

AFC_North_Map

So let me get this straight… there are three AFC North teams in the playoffs? No, I don’t care for this much AFC North in the playoffs. And I guess I should tackle the elephant in the room and mention that yes, I do know the Chargers lost. (I like bourbon more than bourbon likes me. True story, bro.) That’s okay, not every one can play in the NFC South. So yeah, now we can officially say good bye to the 2014 regular season of the National Football League. (We hardly knew ye!)

While most of us essentially closed up shop last week, today actually marks the end to Razzball’s 2014 Fantasy Football Season, and like I said the other day, we couldn’t do it with out you guys and gals. The Razzball community is numero uno, which I could translate for you if I knew French. Obviously, I don’t. I’d like to also give a special thanks to all of our contributors this season. KC (Kati), Jennifer, Andrew Nordmeier, Seth, J-FOH, Kevin Kumpf, Smokey, Nico, Tehol, malamoney (Matt), waterloo (Michael), and Ralph… great job everyone!

Be sure to join us during the offseason. We’ll be dissecting our previous rankings, projections, preseason calls, and then we’ll have the draft content, the free agency period soon there after, and before you know it, mini-camps are back and we can do this all over again. Time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again. Alright-alright-alright. Until then, Razzball is covering your favorite non-football sports for Basketball, Soccer, and Hockey.

Now, back to your regularity scheduled round-up…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

aVYvNMJ

If you didn’t notice, or if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, we are now travelling the December part of our football journey. And it’s almost as if a few weeks ago, some misguided couple named their child “Playoff Implications”. And let me tell you guys, when this kid grew up, he joined the military. And yesterday, that child reached the rank of “Major”. And the concept of that wonderful anecdote I just shared was manifested in the most ridiculous way possible… in the NFC South. Surprise! On a day that saw back-to-back shutouts for the Rams, the Jets still Jets’ing, it was no surprise to see the Saints lose and lose soundly at home to just an awful Carolina Panthers team. The Atlanta Falcons, with an unlikely win tonight (against the Packers at home), can build an insurmountable divisional lead and first place with a 6-7 record. AND they could probably do the same by losing! Heck, Carolina could take the division with a 6-9-1 record if they wanted to. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. If only the division wasn’t comparable to reading dildo reviews…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

So let me get this straight. The Chargers beat the Jets 31-0. The Dolphins beat the Chargers 37-0. So apparently by Monday Night Football calculations, we get something like this. I dare you to name ten worse games than this all year. You can’t! And just think… we get to watch these teams square off again this season! Ugh. The next time some Patriots fan tells you that their derp-fest of division has nothing to do with their success, show them last night’s game.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

110612-New-Orleans-Saints-Sean-Payton-LA-PI_20121106182532275_660_320

So, what a wonderful evening of football we were treated to. Not only did we get our (delayed) fill of the “ridiculously unnecessary game of the week” (AKA Thursday Night Football, aka Monday Night Football, aka any game with Tampa Bay, aka any Jets game), we also got an interesting match-up between a hard-to-peg Ravens team going against the division (tied for first) leading Saints. Tied for first with now a 4-7 record. God bless you NFC South. Obviously, the Jets went and Jeetzzed all over themselves, despite coming off a bye and going against a team that a couldn’t even practice (which is pretty much the Jetsiest thing possible) the previous week due to inclement weather. But the Ravens and Saints game was interesting in the fact that I’m not sure if the Ravens are actually good… or are they are just doing well at the right times? No clue. And it’s really hard to figure out, especially when last night’s game pitted them against  a Saints team that has about as much of a defense as a certain St. Louis county Grand Jury… anyways, I’ll tell you one thing, I didn’t go, nor did I participate as much as I should, but I’ll certainly be demanding a refund on those free Jets-Bills tickets…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

bradyman44-600x330

I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?

Please, blog, may I have some more?