Thank you, football gods! Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit called so many touchdowns last night that there might not be enough on-air material left for the remainder of the season. That’s what the youths call Herb-Al medication. Luckily for us, that provides a lot of cargo to unpack from the Week 7 edition of Thursday Night Football. Andy Dalton had his highs and lows, but the real stars were Juwan Johnson and Eno Benjamin, of course, just as we all saw in the tea leaves. Of course, it would be a crime not to mention the impressive return of DeAndre Hopkins, who immediately received 14 targets and converted that into 10 catches for 103 yards. Here’s what else I saw on Thursday Night Football in Week 7.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sometimes I wonder why we even worry about injury reports. Take Thursday Night Football for example — two teams that were as healthy as could be. Even the miraculous “got shot 2 months ago and is already the starting RB Brian Robinson” was there. And what did we get for Amazon’s 11 billion dollar investment in TNF? The Commanders topping the Bears in the most baseball-like 12-7 game you could imagine. Bookies literally paid out the under at the start of the 4th quarter — they didn’t even wait for the end of the game. Carson Wentz with a field of healthy receivers against the freaking Chicago Bears couldn’t top 100 yards passing. Like, who cares about injuries if the freaking starters aren’t even playing. We all saw the Justin Fields meme of him literally meditating and checking out in the middle of the game. 

Namaste, friends. Seek the center. 

So let’s consider the power of change, and see what we can do for all of you who are missing essential players this week. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The year is 2022. Yogurt is $6 a quart. Starbucks is one of the top 10 largest banks in the world. And all of your fantasy teams are daggered because you drafted Kyle Pitts in the second round. Every team, every time: Pitts, Pitts, Pitts. It was like you were drafting your team based on lithium futures. Now we’re 25% of the way through the season, and you’ve got a 1-3 record (you swear it’s Jameis Winston’s fault) and Kyle Pitts has seen fewer passes than me at Fantasy Football Singles Night (fortunately for you, I’m taken). Now, you’ll need to navigate Week 5 without the Tight End you love to worry about. It’s — literally — the Pitts. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“The Amen Break” is probably the most popular drum beat in Western music. If you sat down right now behind a drum kit, you’d try to play it. You’d sound like Oscar the Grouch smashing trash cans, but you’d still try, at least. Meanwhile, “The Amon Break” is the respite from Amon-Ra St. Brown that you’ll feel acutely this week, akin to something like a bad hangover from off-brand tequila. Sure you had fun, but now that’s done and you’re ready to spend the next 8 hours watching HBO you’re “sharing” with your cousin who hasn’t paid rent in three months because his crypto account froze during the downturn. Sure, Kyle, we’ll see your OneCoin investments come to fruition in 2023. But for the rest of us? We’re just trying to get through the week with out Amon-Ra. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If your Week 2 was anything like what fans of Baltimore, Cleveland, and Las Vegas experienced, then you’re waking up on Tuesday in the depths of despair. Fortunately, the season is young and there’s plenty of time to right the ship once the page is turned. Unfortunately, the waiver wire isn’t all that enticing this week, and there’s an armadillo turning my backyard into the next Holes remake. However, if you’re a relentless quarterback streamer or in a two-QB league, there are some intriguing options for you this week — not to mention some serious finds at the wide receiver position should your league mates not have gobbled them up yet. If you’re in a waiver order-based league and not in dire need, this is a week to stand as firm as Snoop Dogg’s buttcheeks in the TSA line. In deeper formats and leagues utilizing FAAB, proceed with caution. I wouldn’t use more than 15-20% on even the top names listed, although you could validate up to 25-30% if you’re so desperate your season-long competitiveness calls for it. Hopefully, you’re not in that position this early. Onward we go!

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[starts playing synth riffs] It doesn’t hurt me. Nah, it doesn’t hurt me that the Dolphins/Ravens game — which had an Over/Under of 43 points — ended up with 80 points scored between the teams. Tua Tangovailoa matched 30+ year old Dolphins franchise records with 6 passing touchdowns, equalling Hall of Famers Brian Griese and Dan Marino. Meanwhile, Tom Brady and Jameis Wilson combined threw fewer yards than Tua Tagovailoa alone. This is why DFS players diversify so much — nobody expected Tua to put up a once-in-a-generation performance against the Ravens. But it happened! 

For all of your Monday Night Football coverage, join Jordan Loupe and Fantasy Coach JB live as they lead the Fantasy Besties tonight, 6:15 ET: 

Let’s Waddle up that Hill and see if I can’t find some Reggie Bush references to sneak in here. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?