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Well, this is a matchup that makes me think: Man, what did I do this week to deserve this? And on a Thursday night no less! You know we’re going to see a 3-0 game here, and if we’re lucky, maybe it’ll be 6-3. I could even see a 1-0 game. Honestly. I mean, one can only hope that we get a safety out of this so we can at least have a few laughs. Oh, god, I almost forgot this marks the debut of Phil f*cking Simms, and his favorite enabler, Jim Nantz. What. The. Hell. Not only that, but we have a hobbled Sammy Watkins to deal with, Tyrod Taylor trying to climb himself back into relevance, and a Jets offense that’s more boring than Cris Collinsworth hyping up Tom Brady. I guess this is my way of telling you to make sure all your favorite alcohol beverages and antacids are stocked up. And probably get your ear plugs, and probably blindfolds in the ready position…

The rankings have been updated just now for tonight’s game, and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

AFC Championship - Baltimore Ravens v New England Patriots

As Rex Ryan continues to countdown the weeks to unemployment, the Patriots must again try to overcome adversity with left guard Brian Winters and running back Steven Ridley suffering year-ending injuries. Though, sitting in the AFC East, I wouldn’t exactly call it “adversity”. Probably more of a handicap to make it more fair for the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins. The Patriots plan on going with the three-headed beast of mediocrity in Shane Vereen, Brandon Bolden, and James White. They all expect to share time, which pretty much assures that James Develin will probably have the best night. Boston just got a hard-on after reading that. I would normally say something about the Jets here, but if I start a sentence that begins with Geno Smith, I’ll be too depressed to carry on. But it is Thursday Night Football, so this game should be competitive. For about 45 seconds.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Uhhhhh… are you pointing at me? That look feels like sexual assault…

The tale of how these teams fared last week couldn’t be more opposite than actual Jets and actual Bears. Missiles and salmon bro… totally different. Trailing by 17 before the half, the Chicago Bears rallied on the road in the 49ers home opener, probably causing at least three stabbings in the parking lot. On the flip side, the Jets led the hapless 2014 Packers 21-3 before the half, before they proceeded to do the Jetsiest thing imaginable and lose 31-24. The cherry on top was a 37-yard touchdown that would have brought them within one point with five minutes to go, but was negated by a Jets timeout. Mmmmm, so Jetsy. Will we get a combination of both dramatics and derpiness for tonight’s Monday Night Football game? With Jay Cutler and Geno Smith, anything is possible folks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?