Elihand

It’s adorable that Eli thinks if he grows a beard, it’ll help with his perpetual eight-year-old looking face. You have to be at least 14 to do that…

[Puts hands on hips every single time my team screws up, since I had nothing to do with it. And everyone around me doesn’t measure up to my exacting standards that I haven’t somehow been able to communicate to the team over the last umpteen years, mainly because of them. Totally.] -Tom Coughlin. And thus ends the Giants season, (most likely), but don’t worry, the dream still remains alive that the NFC East division (which I also sometimes call Derpville, Population: NFC EAST), won’t have a team that will finish above .500. All that stands in the way is competence from Washington. Haha, we all know what that means. Also, Cam Newton threw another set of about 20 or so touchdowns in the first half and finished the game with 5,258. While that’s partly the Giants being the Giants, it’s hard to deny that Newton has had a MVP-caliber season on a team that’s expected to go far into the playoffs. It’ll be interesting to see how the actual vote settles, with Tom Brady doing Tom Brady-like things and other, whiter players in the mix. I’m sure we can depend on the complete objectivity and unquestionable ethics of all the sports writers to come through. And since the award will be based on the merits, the MVP will probably go to… Peyton Manning.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 15’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, we all knew the Bengals season was going to end as soon as they played their first playoff game, the only questions to be answered was the how and why. Unfortunately for the Bengals, the answers came about a month too early. Now sitting at 10-3, Andy Dalton broke his thumb while, of all things, making a tackle (shown above) after throwing an interception. The loss came at the hands of perpetual division rival and bee-uniform wearing Steelers, further complicating the Bengals road to their one-and-done playoff appearance. Even Tyler Eifert went down with a concussion in the first half of yesterday’s game. So you have to wonder, can they still get a bye and go for a loss during the divisional playoffs? Or will that loss come during Wild Card Weekend? All joking aside, you’d have to think that with this year’s Andy Dalton, the Bengals had the best chance they’ve had since the Carter administration to get a playoff victory, but depending on how long Dalton is out, you have to figure that limping into the tournament and unable to get a playoff win is the most likely scenario. And also sounds like a new verse for Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic”.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 14’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When at the bottom, where else is there to go but up?  Well, I guess for the quitters, you can just wallow for a bit, which basically in one sentence just summed up the Cleveland Browns football team.  One look at the team and it’s obvious why they want Johnny Manziel at the helm.  Because he looks sorta good, but not McCown bad.  So it’s like dollar store loving in the 216.  Since we already established that the quarterback situation is an awful boxed lunch of fantasy uselessness, lets move onto a position that may be helpful for you.  One look at the Browns running back game and it’s pretty awful, but awful is where I come in point a finger and say: Hey, wait a minute!  It may look ugly now, but take a deeper look at the plight of the Browns foot patrol.  It’s supposedly led by Isiah Crowell.  Totally exciting right?  Well feast your eyes this week on someone different, Duke Johnson.  The rookie RB will be a fantasy sneak-a-saurus this week, and I am here to be your crossing guard in the game of life, where life is all about fantasy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’re only two weeks into the season Razzscallions and the QB-pocalypse is upon us. Much to the dismay of many a fantasy player, several top 12-ish quarterback options came down with somewhat significant injuries. Throwing a major road block into the grandiose plans of those with early leads coming out of the one o’clock games. Seriously marinate on that for a sec. How many managers rolling out one o’clock heroes like Antonio Brown, Jamal Charles, Dion Lewis, Gronk, and Julian Edelman were counting victories going into the four o’clock game with Tony Romo at QB? Literally tons! At work today, 2-3 of my coworkers came into “The Lifshitz’s” office looking for guidance on replacing Romo. That’s right, yours truly is an actual functioning member of society when I’m not filling the pages of three Razzball sites. (Speaking of which, go check out some real Fútbol over on RazzSoccer). Two of the three coworkers were in your standard 12-team PPR leagues, so there were plenty of viable options available (Tygod all day sun!), but the third coworker was in a slightly more difficult predicament… Co-worker number three, we’ll call him, is in a 14-team 2-QB league, and owns Romo WITH Brees. (YIKES!) He obviously came into the season with a major advantage, but here’s the problem, he has Jameis Winston as his third stringer and even Johnny Manizel is already owned. Shizzzzz, I’m freaking out just reading this. So what does this chap need to do? Who the hell can he pickup? Well Co-Worker number three, this one’s for you. Here are your Wavier Wire adds for Week 3 in Fantasy Football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! After witnessing Peyton the redeemer, AKA Peyton the Elder, DECIMATE the once proud hearts of Kansas City Chiefs fans, I have two questions for you fine people: 1) Can we now put a stop to doubting Manning in the regular season? The old geezer may live off of Papa John’s and Chicken Parm, but on Thursday Night Football, he served nothing but grizzly tube-steak, force feeding the veiny meat down the throats of the Chiefs secondary. And 2) Are we going to stop complaining about the quality of TNF games? The battle started out limper than Stephen Baldwin’s career, but when that whistle blew, I find it difficult to believe ANY of you were questioning the quality of entertainment you just witnessed. Yes, I was once a detractor of TNF games, but with the inclusion of many more inter-divisional games and the upgraded ability for teams to prepare on a short week, going back to last season, it’s actually been quite solid. Enough of tonguing Peyton’s taint, though I know many of you would like to dive further into the discussion, the purpose of this post is to inform you of my most inner thoughts and dark secrets regarding Sunday and Monday’s games.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take heed!

You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

ROAD-HOUSE

In 1989, James Dalton gave us three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. I bet most of you had no idea that Dalton’s first name was actually James. And for those of you that have no idea who Dalton is, shame on you! Close your browser, get yourself a six pack of brewskis and a bottle of Jack and watch Road House. Dalton, portrayed by the late Patrick Swayze, was one of the toughest, ass kicking dudes in movie history. Recruited by the owner of The Double Deuce, a rowdy dive bar in Missouri, Dalton moves from NYC to take over security and help clean up the violence that is destroying the bar. Dalton is a professional “cooler”, or bouncer for those of you less informed readers. Despite being able to handout a beatdown like it’s his job (which it is), Dalton doesn’t actually like violence. He has a degree in philosophy and practices thai chi. This, however, does not keep him from literally ripping Jimmy’s throat out with his bare hands. Bottom line, Road House is one bad ass film. From Jasper, Missouri we travel nearly 650 miles east to Cincinnati. From one Dalton to another. My lineup of waiver wire fodder is led at quarterback by The Red Rifle, aka Andy Dalton. No relation to James.

Here’s the complete lineup…

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While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It seems like so long ago at this point but you remember when Joseph Randle made headlines? No, no silly, not for how he played on the field. It was his shopping for a five finger discount that rose an eyebrow or two. It’s one thing to steal when you’re poor or at least an intriguing item but…underwear and cologne? Do they correlate? Are you trying to tell us something, Randle? Did someone have an accident while at the mall and couldn’t think of a better way to cover it up other than a change and a spray? Did you even wipe? Oh well, bygones. Let’s look at why we’re actually here to talk about Randle. DeMarco Murray’s hand done broked and the likelihood of him starting this week is slim to NOOOOOOOPE. Sorry, had a Lana Kane moment. Again, it may be that by Thursday, we know Randle isn’t even starting but as of right now, I want all the Randle I can handle and at $3,000, I can handle a lot. Heading into Monday Night’s game, only the Saints have given up more fantasy points to opposing RBs over the last four weeks. Yes, that does still look back on the Pats game where Jonas Gray scored 4 but the opponents since haven’t exactly been rushing juggernauts. With how good the Dallas offensive line has been all year, it’s hard to imagine them deviating from what has gotten them to 10-4 just because their lead back is out. If Randle is starting, I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s a must play but 20+ touch opportunity at a minimum price doesn’t come along very often. Probably locked into most lineups both for cash and tourney, you are either playing with the crowd to exploit other prices or you fight against the current. I won’t hate you either way. Well, at least not about this topic. But enough talk, have at you. Here’s my red hot takes for the week 16 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re reading this column, one of the following things must be true:

A. You have a team in the championship game and are looking for an extra edge.

B. You’re trying to figure out how to play the DeMarco Murray situation.

C. You really love fantasy football.

D. Any combination of the above.

With it being championship week, there aren’t a whole lot of updates that can be made or waiver wire pickups. You should be in a position where your team got through the semifinals okay and you should be able to set your lineup now for the final. Keep in mind we have a Thursday night clunker (TEN vs JAX) and games on Saturday this week too (WSH-PHI; SF-SD), and that will play a little role in how you set things up.

Let’s see what we can figure out for those little extra boosts…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…

Please, blog, may I have some more?