Deep in the hills of Los Angeles, there is a sacred space of learning that the kids call, “UCLA.” For those not familiar with the nature of university, it is like a bank where you can keep borrowing money no matter how bad your report card is. On the outskirts of UCLA, there is a junction where students spend their borrowed money. Hip shoppers stop at the Whole Foods, put their Chase Sapphire cards into a point-of-sale machine, and smile with maskless glee as the POS takes nine bucks from their account for a single watermelon. Across the street, there’s an In-N-Out, where students shout “ANIMAL STYLE” and wait for their slathered beef like it was the first co-ed on screen in a slasher film. 

In the winter, the Rose Bowl celebrates the imagined paradise that is California: the orange groves, the rose gardens, the summer nights on the beach with a Mai Tai. The RazzBowl, however, celebrates the real paradise that is California: Raiders Chargers Rams greasy burgers and expensive watermelons. And just like your friends want you to come out for one more $15 Mai Tai before taking the Uber to your dad’s condo, the RazzBowl wants you on board for the wildest ride in fantasy football. 

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Since time immemorial tight ends have perplexed the world. We all know you want an end that’s tight, but how tight is too tight? The great Albert Einstein tackled this enigma with his theory of relativity, where he concluded Darren Waller epitomizes the perfect balance of tightness and plumpness in the end department. And who is Donkey Teeth to argue with genius Einstein? Waller’s an adonis of a man, and well endowed too.

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Our buddy Pat Fitzmaurice of FootballGirl.com and the Fitz on Fantasy podcast stops by to reminisce about his strong performance in the inaugural RazzBowl last year. B_Don and Donkey Teeth ask Pat about his strategy for this year’s RazzBowl. Then, we ask him about some of the players from his team last season to see what he thinks about them for 2020.

Whether he’s done with David Johnson and where he would take Dalvin Cook with a pending holdout looming. He weighs in with the ongoing TE feud between podcast hosts, Mark Andrews vs Darren Waller, before we move onto some discussion about his Green Bay Packers.

We ask him about Aaron Jones possible holdout, and the Packers questionable draft day moves. He gives us his thoughts on who he’s looking at to fill in at WR after Davante Adams. B_Don tries to understand the fascination with Jace Sternberger. 

The guys wrap up with some rookie RB talk from Pat’s Wisconsin fellow alum, Jonathan Taylor, to Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and his overall ranks of the big 5 rookie RBs. 

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It happened again. Episode 4 of the legendary Fantasy Football Malpractice show is now playing on computers near you. The Boof and Dr. Donkey Teeth are taking over YouTube! 

This week we have a brief real talk about the current social climate in the United States before diving into fantasy football. In the news and notes segment we chat about DeAndre Hopkins’ proclamation that his numbers will only improve in Arizona and how the COVID induced NFL training facilities limits might provide opportunity for us fantasy football players. Then we dive into the RazzBowl, introducing the format for those not in the know. Sign up for the RazzBowl now!

Later in the Dynasty Dive segment we talk dynasty tight ends, including Jonnu Smith, Mark Andrews and the beast, Darren Waller. Lastly the show rounds out with a discussion about the evolution of gadget players in the NFL and who might see a fantasy uptick in 2020 due to this usage. Buckle up and prepare for some malpractice!

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In 2019, Razzball as a site fell in love with Darren Waller. It started before he became a player to watch on Hard Knocks in August, but the love only intensified. DonkeyTeeth was one of his biggest proponents in 2019 and he and I probably owned him in every league that we weren’t facing each other in. 

DonkeyTeeth’s love for Darren Waller has carried over into 2020 and we discussed it earlier this week in our football group chat. We even decided to put our money where our mouth is and made a gentleman’s wager. For the price of a Rotowear t-shirt, I took the side of Mark Andrews scoring more fantasy points than Darren Waller in 2020. I’m going to take it a step further. I don’t believe that Darren Waller will live up anywhere near his draft price in 2020. 

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In my post-NFL Draft quest to update all of my 2020 dynasty rankings I’ve finally come to tight ends. And you know what I’ve always said about tight ends. Better than loose ends! Rob Gronkowski has the tightest of ends, and he wasn’t leaving any loose ends in his legacy with Brady. Weaving the Gronk into these rankings in the wake of his comeback wasn’t easy due to his wide range of outcomes. But as Big Daddy Kane once said, “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” Anyway, here’s those sweet, sweet updated top 15 tight ends for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

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The Ravens are having a hell of an offseason after a great run in 2019. The Ravens added 2 potential stars in the draft via Patrick Queen and JK Dobbins, Lamar Jackson (enthusiastically?) acknowledged praise he received from polarizing president Donald Trump, and now we have the Earl Thomas story.

I need to know everything about this. I need the six-part Netflix documentary with the Wondery podcast to boot. When did orgies with his brother become his go-to method to blow off steam? This is all the material that Ballers needs for a one-season reboot. Are you in, Dwayne?

The details are just so perfect for our boredom without competition right now. Earl Thomas gets the standard “you drink too much” talk. Like, come on, it’s quarantine, what else is one supposed to do? He decides that group sex with his biological brother is just what he needs to forget about it all. His wife, knowing that he is up to no good, finds him via his Snapchat location (turn it off man), then grabs the strap and a couple of friends to set him straight. This Ballers script writes itself. His wife barges in, Earl dials out to The Rock. Spencer Strasmore answers his phone, “Yo Spence, I have a serious problem! My wife is craaaazy!!!” Spencer hastily blows off whatever zoom meeting he’s in about saving the 2020 NFL season, jumps in his Porsche and hollers “send me your location!” Earl fires back, “check my snap!” I could go on for pages about this, but without much happening in the sports world, I should probably save some sporadically useful material. But I do want to dive into Mark Andrews for the 2020 season. 

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We’re gonna cut right to the chase here. If you’ve been following my offseason process, you know what I look for when ranking prospects. If you are a first timer please check out this article explaining my general rationale.

Additionally, you can see the ascent and decline of various WRs since February with my pre-combine rankings and post-combine rankings.

There are some shakeups in the top 15 now that we know draft capital and landing spot. The tiers stayed mostly intact, but there was a lot of movement inside each.

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It’s NFL Draft Week 2020! I hope you are all planning to celebrate in some kind of awesome way. I will be setting up a draft prediction pool and running a Zoom poker night while the picks come in. This is the closest thing to sports we’ve had since the shutdown and we have to bask in its glow.

While I think it’s valuable to have your favorite prospects in some tiered order pre-draft, there’s no way to ignore that landing spot matters to some extent. In dynasty I think your own talent evaluation should be weighted most, but for redraft leagues landing spot is very important in how we should view a rookie’s year 1 potential. I have laid out my rankings for QB, RB, WR, and TE previously but now will give you my favorite rookie landing spots.

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Quarantine Day 27:

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Did you see the story about the tiger at the Bronx Zoo that tested positive for coronavirus? Very sad. I blame Carole Baskin. Not just for the infection of this poor feline, but for the entire COVID debacle. Speaking of which, the CDC just released some new guidelines and in order to receive a COVID-19 test in the United States you must now meet at least one of these requirements:

     a) Politician

     b) Professional athlete (Major League Soccer doesn’t count)

     c) Movie star (Porn does count)

     d) Valued tiger at the zoo

And if you check all four boxes the CDC even throws in a free roll of TP. So far only one man has cashed in on that free roll of one-ply: my preferred 2020 presidential candidate, Darren Waller. Anyway, here’s my top 15 dynasty tight ends for 2020 fantasy football:

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