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Everyone have their Philadelphia-patented projectiles ready? Good. Let’s go. Let me just establish right off the bat, I did this. I’m the one who asked for derp. And the derp Gods did not disappoint in the slightest. In fact, the only competent thing about last night’s game was the premier of the newest Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer, (which you can watch after the jump if you missed it, I’ve already watching it like 98 times… in the past hour). To make an apt Grudenism: “THIS GAME, I CALL IT “EPISODE I”, BECAUSE WE’RE HERE FOR STAR WARS, BUT WE’RE SEEING A SH*T-SHOW INSTEAD.” Honestly, if you watched this game, you wonder if Tom Coughlin might be the one to retire before either Manning. And I include Eli, because it might have been a possibility during half time. There were three fumbles, three interceptions, penalties galore, an injured middle-linebacker… and that was just the Eagles! So here’s a very technical football question for everyone: how did they win? Remember, we’re talking about the hurry up three-and-out offense that the Raiders perfected, and that Chip Kelly added his own uniqueness to this season, that was in full force last night… It’s almost as if the teams were playing each other knowing that the winner would win an all expense paid trip to Somalia. So here we are. The Giants beat Washington. Washington beat the Eagles. And the Eagles have now beaten the Giants. The circle of… derp? Yeah, I think so.

Note: I’d like to congratulate the winner of the FanDuel Razzball Contest that ended last night. “ksmily06” was the winner of our 55-player league, and comes away with $60.00 and a free buy-in the upcoming week’s million dollar contest (a $25.00 value)! All top-12 finishers ended up part of the prize pool, and don’t worry, if you missed out on this contest, you can join in the next contest starting this Thursday!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In what was a interesting-because-it-was-close-but-sorta-kinda-boring-anyways Sunday Night Football game, Dallas once again proved that they are two different teams depending on which half it is. It’s almost as if they are preserving the long-held tradition of Romonobyl. An homage, if you will. While the Saints are hanging on to dear life and Brees’ busted shoulder with an 1-3 record, they’d be hard pressed to catch up with the surging Falcons and Panthers as the season progresses. I’m actually still bewildered by the fact that NFC South teams are actually capable of surging. That being said, the Cowboys find themselves in the untenable position of having everything needed to dominate a weak NFC East, but having those things injured for more than half the season (including Lance Dunbar tearing his ACL last night). The Giants were gifted a win against Buffalo, who had 17 penalties, and the Eagles were beaten unresoundingly by Washington. These teams are not good at all, and hilariously any one of them can take the division. But like the Cowboys, none of them seem to want it. Almost like some kind of derpy game of hot potato. Now that I think about it, this is actually peak NFC East. Carry on…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 4:

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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The Internet nearly broke this week when the Cleveland Browns announced they were going to start rookie Johnny Manziel at quarterback… or so we think. It looks like Brian Hoyer might be sent to the bench to give the Browns a spark, according to published reports. But is he worth it from a fantasy standpoint? We’ll examine that and more as we take a dive into the waiver wire. There are three or four weeks left in your fantasy season, so this is the time to make the solid moves that will get you into the playoffs. So, what about Manziel? Yes, he was a change of pace for the Browns, as he rushed for a touchdown last week, but let’s see why you don’t want him. Tight end Jordan Cameron is questionable for this week after missing his last five games with concussion symptoms. Miles Austin is still hospitalized after taking a hit to his lower back and hurting his kidneys. Andrew Hawkins is the best receiving threat the team has right now that’s healthy. Yes, Josh Gordon is there too, but I would want to see how Manziel works with all of his weapons before seeing how much he impacts fantasy values on Lake Erie. The Browns finish the season with Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Carolina in Week 16 and Baltimore in Week 17. The chances are there for Manziel to throw it a bunch and get the all-important rushing yardage as well with a pair of weak rush defenses during the fantasy playoffs. Dare we say it, Manziel could be a nice play down the stretch if you want a quarterback with a good situation that you can pick up now.

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Fantasy football owners who drafted Calvin Johnson and A.J. Green can’t be too happy right now.  Both receivers were first round picks, and because of injuries, they’ll likely both be sitting out this week.

Johnson, a consensus top-five pick, has done nothing so far to justify his lofty preseason ranking.  Since exploding for 164 yards and two touchdowns in Week 1, the man known as “Megatron” has accumulated just 184 yards in the four games since, and he has zero scores to go with that paltry yardage total as well.  A high-ankle sprain has been the culprit over the last two games and fantasy owners everywhere can only hope he gets the rest he needs in order to get him to full strength.  He isn’t doing the Lions nor fantasy owners any favors by playing gimpy.  Johnson had just three catches for 19 yards while being used as a “decoy” vs. the Jets and Bills, and he clearly aggravated the injury on his lone reception last week.  Johnson “hopes” to play on Sunday vs. the Vikings, but the general sense is that he’ll sit this one out, and could possibly sit out through the Lions’ Week 9 bye.  Being 3-2 affords them some wiggle room.

Green is in a similar situation to Johnson, though he’s been all but ruled out this week.  The fourth-year pro aggravated his toe injury in Bengals’ practice on Wednesday and it looks like he could miss multiple games.  Green hurt the digit in the team’s Week 2 win over the Falcons, but came right back and played vs. the Titans the following week.  Choosing to play him there may come back to haunt the Bengals, because the way it sounded, his toe seems much worse this time around.  Back in Week 2, the team was calling it a “sprained ligament”, but now they’re saying it’s “a little bit more [than turf toe]”.  This is not what you want to hear if you’re the Bengals or own Green in any of your fantasy leagues.  Unlike Johnson, Green has already had his bye, so if he’s going to rest, it’s gonna be during a game week.  Green’s owners will just have to hope to hear some good news in the next few days.

With two big pass catchers on the mend, it puts owners in a real bind, so I’ve decided to do a wide receivers-only edition of “Start ’em and Sit ’em”…

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Without targets, there would be no receptions. Being targeted is the first, and most crucial factor, to the success of a pass catcher. If the ball isn’t thrown in your direction, you cannot succeed. I decided to take a look at how targets were being spread around among each team and then how each player was converting those targets. Below are the results and I’ve included a link to the Excel spreadsheet (Download) containing the full report. This exercise will only be “targeting” wide receivers and tight ends.

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So, if you don’t know what to make of this year so far, join my club. I just started it, but looking at the numbers… yes, it appears the entire Earth is already a member. There are so many fascinating and ridiculous and unfortunate and just plain dumb things happening all around us this year, it’s no wonder that Wes Welker took a Molly. Wait a second… WHAT IF WE’RE ALL ON MOLLY? It’s almost as if Rust Cohle is writing my life at the moment. “Someone once told me, ‘Time is a flat circle.’ Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.” Alright-alright-alright. I’ll be sure to tell my grand kids about that. In the meantime, I’ll have to seek out some kind of solution as how to grasp the events that this season has wrought upon us all. I hear whiskey is nice this time of the year…

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As we open the season, all of our NFL teams have the same goal— to play in Super Bowl XLIX in Glendale, Arizona on February 1. Our fantasy teams have the same goal— to play in our respective league’s Super Bowl whatever week (usually 16) that it falls on. For some of you, getting there will be difficult if not impossible. Others will find the road to be easy, and cruise through the season. For me, I fall in the latter when it comes to getting to the Super Bowl. That’s mainly because I live about 40 minutes north of University of Phoenix Stadium. Getting to the Super Bowl is easy for me, even if traffic sucks.

That’s what I’m here for. To help you navigate the journey from your starting point to your league’s Super Bowl. We’ll help you avoid the roadblocks of poor play, the detours of bye weeks, and the potholes of injuries. That said, let’s turn the key on the season and start giving some recommendations for players who can be picked up now to help you out in the long term.

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We are here today to point out the differences between the Razzball rankings and those that Yahoo has released to the masses. (Not to be confused with Yoohoo, which I do all the time. Then again, I usually confuse most things with chocolate drink. Totally normal.) Since we’ve already compared our rankings with ESPN, the next logical step is to have some amazing chocolate drink. Err, see what I mean? IT HAUNTS ME. I meant: the next logical step is to compare our rankings to Yahoo, THEN have some chocolate drink. Exactly. Maybe I’m just thirsty. Or hungry. Or all these things. All of the time.

Note: Obviously, there are going to be some players that ESPN and Yahoo both like that I do not and vica versa, so I’ve avoided players I’ve already covered, because who likes re-runs? I mean, besides Star Trek and Futurama re-runs? Nobody does. Nobody. 

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Can you feel the electricity in the air? I know what you’re thinking– Mom/wifey has yet to learn her lesson and attempted to deploy her plug-in vibrator in the Jacuzzi again. (When will they ever learn?) Pray to the Elder Gods that twas not due to them discovering my mythical Instagram account, for once a mortal witnesses those photographs they literally have no choice other than “Releasing,” which is much like the way I felt after viewing the latest Nicki Minaj video, Anaconda! I am known in some underground circles as they Ganymede of fantasy football analysts and I thoroughly embrace it. Back to that electricity your boy Beddict spoke; It’s due to the return of not only football, America’s greatest sport, but FANTASY FOOTBALL, America’s greatest game! ARE YOU READY?!?! I SAID, ARE YOU READY?!?!

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I’ve been patiently waiting to blow. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Tehol Beddict show. Greetings! I had to take a two week sabbatical to put in major work on my favorite charitable cause, “Beddict’s Single Mothers Project.” This charity was founded by myself, Tehol Beddict, in Jaunary of 2007 and takes aim at really solidifying the home life of abandoned or widowed mothers. The inspiration for this incredibly rewarding project came from none other than my idol/role model, Ernie McCracken, and his “Fatherless Family” sponsorship program. I devote a full 24 hours to single mothers that are deemed “worthy” by my assistants. By allowing them to make me 3 full meals with dessert plus two pipings and a tossed salad, they get to feel alive and appreciated again, helping them breakout of their funk and letting them live life to the fullest again. I’ve found that blowing these women’s backs out truly helps them become better mothers and for that I’m thankful. On NFL Sundays, doggystyle is a must, so you can both watch the game. I wasn’t the only prime-time performer on Sunday though guys. Alshon Jeffery, Josh Gordon, and Erik Decker also went balls deep on the opposition. Were you lucky enough to have one of these legends? Did anyone have all 3? If so I need to hear about it in the comment section. For those of you wishing to donate money to my “Beddict’s Singe Mothers Project,” please DM me on Twitter and we can work something out on paypal. Thank you so much. Now let’s get to what I witnessed last weekend. Take Heed!

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It was a thrilling, exciting, pant-tenting, almost sublime 30 hours of Fantasy Football binge watching. I need an afterglow cigarette. Following Sunday nights/Monday morning Raiders/Chargers late night tryst, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing only my Ken Stabler throwback trying to piece together what exactly went down and where I left my pants. I seem to remember having visions of Al Davis shaking hands with Hitler in Hell as he bragged about drafting Terrelle Pryor and I have a hazy recollection of Tony Romo throwing for 500 yards, pooping his tighty whities and blowing up the twitterverse. Before the blackout, I remember Tom Brady and Colin Kaepernick combining for less points than Ryan Tannehill and it may have been the Red Bull/Jager combo, but was there a David Wilson touchdown? These things happened, right? As the head begins to clear, it is time to examine our fake football rosters, take a long look in the mirror and face the cold hard facts – your team sucks and I have a drinking problem. Call it a fantasy intervention of sorts, but it is time to pull yourself up off of the cool bathroom tiles, dig deep into the waiver wire bargain bin and turn this season around or you’re going to find yourself bunking with Stephen Adler on Celebrity Rehab. It’s time to jam it or cram it. Anyone have some Advil, I gotta call my sponsor.

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Two straight weeks, two straight references to kid’s games and in particular the same one. Of course, my idea of Roshambo is this and apparently it’s spelled differently. Next week, I’ll vary it up and reference this all-time kids classic. Ok, enough links. That’s the lazy man’s way to humor. Or better put, my only way to humor. Prepare for boredom! It was an odd ranking week for me. I don’t feel I’m at odds with too many other ‘perts so I’m doing my best to highlight a few where I chose to get wit dis and they chose to get wit dat. First up, Knowshon Moreno. He’s about as hit and miss as they come and I’ve basically called him a low end RB1 the last two weeks. Was right one, wrong the other. If this is a Fibonacci sequence, he’s gonna finish the year with better stats than AP. Eh, yeah, it’s not a Fibonacci sequence then. In other differences, I’m seeing Gordon putting up a top 10 week at WR. I know, I know, it’s TNF but Cleveland has played too well at home for me not to get behind them at this point. Speaking of the Browns, they’re my #1 defense this week. Again because of how they play at home but moreso, because of TNF. Yes, I just contradicted myself within the span of just three sentences. Though this be madness yet there is…wait, no. There’s just madness. I also think this is the week the Chiefs storied start hits a bump in the road as apparently I really like the Titans at home a lot more than others. Olsen and Cook? Love the matchups and my rankings reflect that love. Oh and I’m sure someone will say ‘WOAH! Kenny Stills?’ out there. It’s a hunch on a deep league weekly play. I ranked Miles Austin and Darren McFadden like the two are playing. If they’re not, I’ll adjust accordingly but they both have good setups for the week which means their backups (T. Williams and R. Jennings) will wiggle up the ranks if they’re declared out. Oh and David Wilson. If this putrid season is gonna get started for him, it happens this week. He’s only my RB18 in standard but I have huge hopes for him given the matchup. And don’t ask why the Eagles defense isn’t ranked. If their first 4 games don’t give you a hint why, I don’t know if me explaining it would help any more. But enough of that. Let’s get this shin-dig shinning. Here’s the weekly ranks for week 5 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?