Happy Halloween fantasy football team owners! Hopefully this week’s bye week teams won’t haunt you for the rest of the season. The league’s third-highest scoring QB (Tom Brady), best WR (Antonio Brown), two of the league’s best RBs (Le’Veon Bell and Melvin Gordon) and the league’s 2nd best TE (Rob Gronkowski) are all out this week so you’ll need to make smart adds to stay floating down here!

Speaking of Tom Brady — I need your help to solve an argument. I was discussing with some of my friends about who is the best player of all time in each of the four major sports. Hockey is obviously Wayne Gretzky, basketball is Michael Jordan (for now), baseball could be Barry Bonds, but who is the best NFL player of all time? I’m leaning towards Brady, but was told to “chill” on that assessment. What do you all think?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week’s waiver wire recommendations didn’t go entirely according to plan. Only the Rams defense and Jeremaine Kearse performed as I predicted. However, some of those guys like Rex Burkhead, Evan Engram and Younghoe Koo were me trying to play the long con. By season’s end is when they’ll start having their value.

Finally football season is back in full swing and we can start making REAL predictions. No more prognosticating — just cold, hard facts. Like the Jacksonville Jaguars and LA Rams meeting in the Super Bowl! FACTS!

Here we go with my waiver adds of the week! These are guys you should think of grabbing if one of your starters is injured or if Kirk Cousins was who we thought he was. Obvious grabs of the week: Marqise Lee (due to Allen Robinson’s injury), Kerwynn Williams (due to David Johnson’s injury) and Kendall Wright (due to Kevin White’s injury.)

If you’ve got league specific questions, I’ve got league specific answers — leave a comment below!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dsk

Ah yes, the dreaded Monday Night Football opener, showcasing four teams that you sorta-kinda are interested in, but not really and would probably just put on as background noise if this was Week 10. So basically any other Monday Night Football game not including the opener. While the concept is of a doubleheader on Monday is pretty cool, the execution of it isn’t, much like a queef. Why? Well, even though we still have a year of Chris Berman left, we still have to actually sit through a year of having Chris Berman. That’s check number one. Number two, this is the production team that gave you the Chip Kelly “Fast Tempo” clock when the Eagles played, marveling Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico by giving him a clock that basically counted up instead of down. Jesus. And this is also the same production crew that brought you a couple years of Ray Lewis’… whatever you call it. You say words, I say ear stabbings. He’s stabby. Not much you can do about that. True, they replaced him with Randy Moss, but really, if I still have to listen to Steve Young’s hot takes, I’m not sure where improvement will come from. At the very least, they actually do show football, the one redeeming feature of ESPN’s Monday presentation, and tonight we’re in for a special treat, a team with an alleged rapist quarterback, a team with a racist name, a team that strives for mediocrity on a yearly basis (Los Angeles will love that, I’m sure) and a team that’s just plain bad. Monday Night Football!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Again… ughhhhh, I’m exhausted after competing in a First Tee golf tournament yesterday, but the show must go on. I can hardly walk, for my body feels like I just performed at five straight bachelorette parties. Ahh, the grand old days. If only middle-aged woman still paid me to rub my bulging package in their frothing grills for a few hours of ego-boosting excitement. A slipped disc and an opportunity at Razzball took it all away from me, but I’ll never forget those special woman. They showed me the meaning of true joy. The meaning of real pleasure. Getting paid extra to boink a few of them was just an added bonus. And now, I bring that joy to a few of you, the JPP handful of you, who actually read my posts in full. YOU have given me a reason to live, and for that, I thank you. Sure, serving more cream pies than the Cheesecake Factory has it’s benefits, but giving the rod a break for a few years and dusting off my keyboard has done me a world of good.

Oh, it’s still football season? Here’s who I like in Week 3. I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em/ Sit ’em! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

superheroharbaugh

Tonight’s game features two teams going in different directions. The 49ers have won two straight, even with reports coming out that Jim Harbaugh has lost the player’s trust. I find this curious, as while his act is tiring, obtrusive, and just unnecessary (like your mother), his 41-14-1 record over the past three years seems like something he could just write on piece of paper with a sharpie and tape it on the player’s heads. Probably a reason why I’m not an NFL coach. Or a parent. Or any kind of authority figure. Colin Kaepernick is doing what he does best, and that’s be inconsistency marginal, but still providing value with his legs. And Frank Gore seems to not be getting old yet, which gives someone like me, who is one year older, hope that the best days are yet to come. (Only with the help of the magical life-garnish known as alcohol.) The Rams have lost two straight, and while Austin Davis is no Sam Bradford, we should probably realize that’s a good thing. Brian Quick has quickly become a quick target for Davis. Quickly. And Zac Stacy has not rushed for more than 71 yards in a game this season. So thanks for that. (I’m not really thankful.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?