Robert Woods

Donkey Teeth

Top 200 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football

January 27, 2020 | Fantasy Football Dynasty League Rankings, Fantasy Football Dynasty Leagues |

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Not long ago I threw a bunch of pieces of scrap paper with random letters scribbled on them into my fedora. I then randomly drew fifty letters from the titfer. Next I conducted several ritual sacrifices to the fantasy gods, assembled those fifty illegible letters into twenty-five pairs and selected the first football player who came to mind with matching initials to compile my Top 25 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. And that’s the story of how Kerryon Johnson landed at #18 overall, as the readers pointed and mocked.  Of course, I’m kidding about this process. I don’t own a fedora, it used a baseball cap.

A week later I repeated the same exercise to compose my Top 50 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football which landed Juju Smith-Schuster at #50 overall. And outrage ensued. The angry mob called for Donkey blood. So I quickly handed over my Top 75 and Top 100 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. But those only fueled the riots. “Put the rankings into one easy to view list,” they said. “We don’t need your stupid explanations and jokes,” they said. “You’re the ugliest Donkey we’ve ever seen,” they said.

So I withdrew into solitude for a couple weeks, rosterbating and meditating and then rosterbating more until finally I had another 100 arbitrary player names collated into one easy to read list for the bloodthirsty mob’s viewing pleasures. Anyway, here’s my updated top 200 dynasty rankings for 2020 PPR fantasy football leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 75 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football

December 27, 2019 | Fantasy Football Dynasty League Rankings, Fantasy Football Dynasty Leagues | 11 Comments

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Two weeks ago I amused the people with my top 25 for 2020 dynasty football where I wrote about my crooked hard-on for Kerryon Johnson from my cushy American barn. Last week I captivated the audience with my top 50 for 2020 dynasty football where I insulted JuJu Smith-Schuster while vacationing in Madrid. This week I’ll regale the world with my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football, written while stranded in Paris on Jesus’s Birthday. Long story short: the Europeans are on strike. Nobody wants to work, making my holiday travels a challenge. But there’s worse places to get stuck than Paris where Donkey has made the most of it by visiting world renowned Peyronie’s Disease specialists, eating hay crêpes and discovering new football talent; I’ve heard this Cristiano Ronaldo hombre will be a great kicker. Anyway, here’s my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

AJB Finds New Helmet, Scores Twice

December 9, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 14 Comments

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Antonio Brown lit up his former team the Oakland Raiders this week, going off for 5 catches for 153 yards and 2 touchdowns as he fully delivered on his 2nd round fantasy-draft-price-tag. And just when his owners needed him most. He also chipped in 1 carry for 13 yards and he didn’t even fart in anyone’s face in the locker room after the win. Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound like the AB I know. *checks notes* Ahhhh this was A.J. Brown, not Antonio Brown! My bad, honest mistake. The Titans 2nd round rookie out of Mississippi, A.J. Brown, now has 6 touchdowns and three 100+ yard games on the season. Can I just draft the entire 2019 rookie receiver class on all of my teams next year? Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday afternoons’ games for fantasy football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Sutton Has the Town on Lock Down

December 2, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 16 Comments

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We all remember the greatest passing tandems in the history of the NFL: Montana to Rice, Manning to Harrison, and AB to his doctor’s face. But make room legends, there’s a new connection in town: Lock to Sutton. It was a solid debut for the Broncos’ 2nd round pick out of Mizzou, as Drew Lock went 18/28 for 134 yards, adding 3 carries for 15 yards and throwing his first two career touchdown passes. But the real story was that both touchdowns were thrown to second year breakout Courtland Sutton who finished the game with 4 catches for 75 yards and now has 6 touchdowns on the season. Could the the 3rd time be the charm for John Elway drafted QBs? Brock Osweiler (2012 2nd rounder) and Paxton Lynch (2016 1st rounder) were worse investments than the Razzball coin I bought off Grey last year. Maybe, just maybe, this Lock/Sutton hook up could be something special for years to come. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday afternoon’s games for fantasy football:    

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Zach

Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em, Week 12: Saving Private Ryan

November 23, 2019 | Start/Sit | 16 Comments

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With the fantasy playoffs only two weeks away, these next few games are going to be absolutely crucial for almost every team in any league. Even if you have a spot wrapped up, it’s about getting the best possible team out there every week for a hopeful deep playoff run. And for those on the fringes, it’s make-or-break time!

Let’s talk about some players you should start, and those you should keep on the bench.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Kyler? I Hardly Know Her!

November 18, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 20 Comments

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Have you heard Kyler Murray was not only the #1 overall pick in the 2019 NFL draft but also the #9 overall pick in the 2018 MLB draft? Of course you’ve heard, you haven’t been living under an Antonio Brown fart for that last five months. Wait, you HAVE been living under an Antonio Brown fart for the last five months?! What was it like under there? How did you survive? Tell me everything! Oh right, Kyler Murray—he’s an incredible athlete on par with the Deshaun Watsons and Lamar Jacksons of the world. Murray flashed his freak athleticism this week against the stout 49ers defense going 24/33 for 150 yards with 2 passing touchdowns while tacking on 8 carries for 67 yards and a rushing touchdown. Kyler Söze now has 14 passing touchdowns and 3 rushing touchdowns on the season as he led the Cardinals in a valiant effort against the first place 49ers,  falling just shy of a huge upset. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:  

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Aaron Jones Reeks of Limburger

November 11, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 18 Comments

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Few people know why the Packers are called “Cheeseheads.” It’s tradition: the worst Packer performer from the previous week is bestowed with a chunk of stinky Limburger cheese which is stuffed into the bottom of their helmet for the following game. In week 9, Aaron Jones took 8 carries for 30 yards and hauled in 1 catch for -1 yards. Needless to say, he was Mr. Limburger for their week 10 game against Carolina and their dairy boy tracked down an extra stinky piece of cheese for this contest. This wedge of stank carried such a putrid scent that the Panthers defense gave the Packer running back a little extra space to roam on Sunday afternoon. Aaron Jones took full advantage, rumbling for 93 yards and 3 touchdowns on 13 carries—he now has an impressive 14 touchdowns on the season. Rest of Season Player Rater has him listed as RB#10 and I’d even bump him a couple spots higher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:    

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nic Romero

The Shootout – Week 7

October 18, 2019 | Fantasy Football Strategy | 9 Comments

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A clash of the top two NFL quarterbacks in total pass attempts and two offenses that rank in the top 10 of receiving yards per game. We are set for a treat in the early slate this Sunday, when the Los Angeles Rams make the cross country trip to the A-T-L to face the dirty birds- the Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan leads the NFL in pass attempts with 258, followed by the visiting team QB Jared Goff with 246. Let the fantasy fireworks commence….

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Darnold Plays Spin the Bottle

October 14, 2019 | Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 16 Comments

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The entire Jets offense was giddy when Sam Darnold strolled into the locker-room Sunday carrying his vintage Coca-Cola bottle. After four weeks of quarantine with the kissing disease, Darnold was ready to play games with his favorite group of guys. First, the young QB locked eyes with Robby Anderson (5 catches for 125 yards and his 1st touchdown) for a juicy 92 yard score. Next he played touch and squeeze with Ryan Griffin (3 catches for 28 yards and his 1st touchdown). Even Le’Veon Bell (14 carries for 50 yards and his 2nd touchdown) snuck into the circle and gave the bottle a twirl. Sammy Big D went 23/32 for 338 yards and 2 touchdowns in his triumphant return as the Jets upset the Cowboys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?