Welcome to the start of 2018 NFL DFS season. You’re probably familiar with Donkeycorns, the wandering mythical creature who rewards your trust with a path through the desert, from the MLB Closer Report. In DFS A Donkey is someone that does foolish things. When it comes to daily fantasy, we’re all Donkeys sometimes. I’m your DFS Donkeycorn. Follow me through the fantasy desert.

Did you use Rudy’s Tools for the MLB season? You probably enjoyed success if you did. The biggest advantage a model gives you is its consistency. It doesn’t have biases. It won’t get mad at Julio Jones for not scoring touchdowns, despite the natural variability of NFL TD scoring. I recently asked Rudy how difficult it would be to start my own model. His response was, considering I have over 1,000 hours sunk into mine this off-season, not very. So get the 7-day free trial, pay for the season once that ends, and be glad Rudy exists to grind away at a projection system so you don’t have to. I’ll focus on the Sunday main slate using Fanduel pricing below.

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I’ll warn you right now — there aren’t a lot of great QB fill in options this week. Lots of tough match-ups or under performing players. I had to recommend what remains of Teddy Bridgewater for Pete Carroll’s sake! You won’t see him listed in this article, but my prediction from last week of Colin Kaepernick getting a job still remains! Even if he’s now suing the exact people who could possibly offer him a job…

This week will see the Detroit Lions and Houston Texans getting the week off. You’ll need help replacing Matthew Stafford, Deshaun Watson, Lamar Miller, DeAndre Hopkins, Golden Tate and Ameer Abdullah.

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I’m pretty sure I could compare tonight’s Monday Night Football game to that of the first Presidential debate pretty closely, but I get kinda stuck at who plays the part of Donald Trump. Like, I think the obvious choice would be Sean Peyton, but then we’d have to inject his skin with Cheetos to get the correct pigment. Hey, if you’re going to do an analogy, you gotta go 100%. But since this is a day where football actually will finish second to something other than it’s own news, I don’t mind going ahead and just talking about the matchup tonight that features two dumpster fires. I’m actually talking about football this time guys. Yes, the eternal battle between two floundering NFC South teams not named the Panthers is on full display tonight as we get to see the idea of defense be dismissed and scorned like the silly idea that it is to both these teams. Generally, I’d usually pick the home team between the two, so the Saints get my vote (see what I did there?), but I think the real debate (did it again, red hot fire they call me folks) is how many points the teams score total. I’m guessing in the thousands, but you’re right, that number sounds a bit too conservative. (WOOOO. Trifecta baby!)

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Ah yes, the required prime time NFC South showdown that’s required at least twice a year, featuring mediocracy at it’s finest, and always ending with 400 combined points, earned in the derpiest way possible. But this year might be different. Well, with the Saints 1-4, maybe just half different. The Atlanta Falcons, at a surprising 5-0, look to open the season with six straight wins. Which would also mean they would have consecutive road wins for the first time in 13 seasons. That’s basically the most NFC South thing I’ve ever written. Now, six wins would be a strong statement if it weren’t against such a questionable schedule and with such happenstance circumstances. That schedule has included the Eagles, Giants, Romo-less (or Weeden-more!) Cowboys, Texans, and Washington Potatoes. The circumstances? They’ve trailed in the fourth quarter in four of those five games… which essentially means they could be sharing a similar record with the Saints if not for a little bit of luck and something called Devonta Freeman. The same Freeman who used to make Trent Richardson seem useful. Can the Falcons and Freeman (and Julio Jones hamstring) keep the streak going? I don’t know, but if Sean Peyton’s lemon face is in full force tonight, I’d say: MAYBE.

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Rankings have been updated for tonight’s game and can be found here

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In what will be a showdown for the ages, with the context of said showdown being for first place in the dumpster fire known as the NFC South, seems as though it’s a perfect game to spotlight during Thursday Night Football, a prime time slot that has been utterly corrosive to our livers about 90% of the time. Or maybe that’s just my liver. I love alcohol. What of it? After treating the Green Bay defense like tissue paper, Breesus and his disciples (see what I did there?) look to take on the fledgling Panthers. Fun fact: Every team in this division is fledgling. Except Tampa Bay. They’re just terrible. Coming into the season with what was supposed to be an elite defense, Carolina has given up at least 37 points four times in the past five games. But they did hold Seattle to 13 points, proving that Seattle’s offense is kinda sh*tty. That being said, Cam Newton still has some room to grow, and DeAngelo Williams is back in time for this game, just to get injured again. So, uh, yeah, should be one of those games…

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Who dat? More like what the f*ck is dat.

The Packers have seemingly been able to survive a slow start, winning four straight after starting 1-2. However, I feel like someone should tell them that they left Eddie Lacy behind. Or they just confused Jordy Nelson with him. Which would make sense, seeing as how all the yardage goes through him at this point. But if it’s any consolation for Lacy being left to his own machinations, it appears that the Saints are around the same area. So here Lacy, it’s an entire team to keep you company. Bressus has yet to rise, and yes, that’s the only religious metaphor I’ll throw out, because let’s be honest here, Drew Brees doesn’t deserve it at this moment. More like Breedus, amiright folks? (Okay, two. That’s it, I swear.) And with a limited Jimmy Graham, it appears that the Saints offense will depend on such play-makers as Marquee Colston and, um, err,… Travaris Cadet? Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn’t it…

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