What is a pocket rocket?

  1. A miniature motorcycle meant for racing?
  2. A pair of aces in poker?
  3. A small vibrating dildo?

If you answered #3, you have a dirty mind and should head over to Tehol Beddict’s page. [Jay’s Note: The writer the world needs, not the writer the world deserves.] For the sake of this article, a pocket rocket is a miniature motorcycle meant for racing. It is small, light, agile and fast. Kind of like a certain NFL player on the St. Louis Rams, who’s nickname happens to be Pocket Rocket…

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Both Jared and RG-3 have been taken out. If I were Justin Tuck, I'd be worried...

Both Jared and RG-3 have fallen. If I were Justin Tuck, I’d be worried…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Okay. Not really. And so it was, and so it shall be, which was proclaimed long ago when the Washington Football Team traded what would be Janoris Jenkins, Michael Brockers, Zac Stacy, Stedman Bailey, Greg Robinson, and Alec Ogletree for Robert Griffin III, and then a few days later, drafted his eventual successor in Kirk Cousins. Bible-speech aside, I have to say, maybe Mike Shannahan and company might have been better off just waiting, you know, until their sixth pick and drafting Ryan Tannehill. Sure, hindsight has that amazing 20/20 vision, but as I mentioned in yesterday’s podcast, this quarterback excursion seemed doomed to fail, even as far back to that aforementioned day when both RG-3 and Kirk Cousins were drafted. Obviously, the situation was exacerbated over time by injuries, stunted development, complete coaching failures, further coaching changes, system changes, ownership dysfunction, etc. etc. And this is a normal Monday for the franchise. So here we are and Kirk Cousins is now your Week 1 Starter in Washington. I would go on to establish some fantasy context, but I’m not sure there is any. Just further proof that Washington has now eclipsed the Raiders at being the Raiders. Truly… these are dark days in the District.

In case you guys haven’t noticed, Fantasy Basketball is warming up once again, and our RCLs are open! If you’d like to go keep J.B. Gilpin company for a bit, I ain’t gonna blame you. Afterall, I’m busy keeping his mom company…

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The first guy listed in your lineup is a priority, but not a draft priority for me. I would rather load up on guys at other positions, and my usual draft strategy for taking a second quarterback is matching my WR4 with that QB. The bonus in all of this is that while your WR3 is basically either a sleeper or a questionable guy, he is, after all, your third WR.  So this past few weeks, I’ve done dozens of mocks and research to get me prepped and scrubbed in for the dissection of this year’s upcoming drafts. Thus far, and I may be crazy, but I am falling in love with someone, and I seem to always be netting him at an extreme value (like in the 15th round or later type stuff). His name? Nick Foles. Why Nick Foles you ask? I say, why the heck not? Young blossoming speedy wide receivers, a young, fast, and good pass catching backfield that arguably added the best running back from the draft… Listen, I hear what you’re saying, “Smokey you can’t just say a guy’s name and have all us (and by us, I mean my one reader, thanks mom!) just say sure. We want facts, the goods the extra bacon on the BLT.”  Well patience the bacon is in the microwave and the stats and facts are coming too.

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The Internet nearly broke this week when the Cleveland Browns announced they were going to start rookie Johnny Manziel at quarterback… or so we think. It looks like Brian Hoyer might be sent to the bench to give the Browns a spark, according to published reports. But is he worth it from a fantasy standpoint? We’ll examine that and more as we take a dive into the waiver wire. There are three or four weeks left in your fantasy season, so this is the time to make the solid moves that will get you into the playoffs. So, what about Manziel? Yes, he was a change of pace for the Browns, as he rushed for a touchdown last week, but let’s see why you don’t want him. Tight end Jordan Cameron is questionable for this week after missing his last five games with concussion symptoms. Miles Austin is still hospitalized after taking a hit to his lower back and hurting his kidneys. Andrew Hawkins is the best receiving threat the team has right now that’s healthy. Yes, Josh Gordon is there too, but I would want to see how Manziel works with all of his weapons before seeing how much he impacts fantasy values on Lake Erie. The Browns finish the season with Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Carolina in Week 16 and Baltimore in Week 17. The chances are there for Manziel to throw it a bunch and get the all-important rushing yardage as well with a pair of weak rush defenses during the fantasy playoffs. Dare we say it, Manziel could be a nice play down the stretch if you want a quarterback with a good situation that you can pick up now.

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I am the Great Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! And I could also use a few players to help me win my fantasy football playoffs. In 1993 Mike Judge gave the world the incredible gift that was Beavis and Butthead. Thank you Mike Judge. These two morons provided me with endless hours of entertainment and laughs. The adventures of these two legendary rock loving teenage delinquents originated from Frog Baseball, a short film by Judge which aired on Liquid Television in 1992. After seeing Frog Baseball, MTV contracted Judge to develop Beavis and Butthead. One of the best parts of the show was when these two idiots would sit on their couch watching music videos, offering their humorous and absurd commentary. As outrageous, lewd and immature as the show was, it was equally as funny. The dynamic couch sitting duo even reached the big screen with Beavis and Butthead Do America in 1996 and then made an encore appearance on MTV in 2011.

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Ugh, do I have to, Fantasy Gods?  Why must you torture me so?  What did I ever do to you to deserve this?  You touch yourself inappropriately when you think no one is watching.  Ummm, Fantasy Gods care about that?  You’re ruling over a bunch of nerds, what else are we supposed to do?  ‘Check out my fantasy team’ isn’t exactly something you post on Tinder.  Neverthewho!  Eli Manning.  Ugh…I mean, he plays football so there’s that.  Just doesn’t play it well most weeks…so there’s that too.  Then again, he’s coming off a bye and should hopefully be ready and prepared to take on a secondary that got completely wrecked both on the scoreboard and in terms of injuries on week 8…but of course Rashad Jennings might not be back this week and it’s clear the Giants need him…ooph, this is tough.  Eli is gonna throw for 350 and 4 TDs or he’s gonna end with 175, 2 picks and give you Manning face.  There’s really no in between with this guy so for me he’s going to be a GPP only go and even at that, only do it if everyone and their mother says ‘I won’t play Eli this week’ for the contrarian goodness.  Wow, what an inspiring opening!  I think there is more hedging here than even a yard worker could provide.  Clearly it’s time to move on so let’s.  Here’s some other hot takes for the week 9 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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Football fans will get to see an offensive explosion of biblical proportions when the Green Bay Packers travel to Detroit to take on the Lions this Sunday — so what better way to describe this occasion than with an excerpt from a well-known psalm.  I’m Jewish (and a mostly non-practicing one for that matter), and even I know this phrase very well.  Of course, we have Quentin Tarantino to thank for that (Note: Although Samuel L. Jackson mentions “Ezekiel 25:17” in his immortal quote, he in fact uses lines from Psalm 23 as well).

Throughout time, there have been many interpretations of that verse, but when relating it to this week’s slate of NFL games, it can only mean one thing: start Aaron Rodgers and Matthew Stafford with confidence.  Not only will those QBs give you some relative “comfort”, but so should their receivers.  As of now, I have Stafford No. 1 in my QB rankings, with Rodgers right behind him.  Calvin Johnson is my No. 1 WR (Julio Jones‘ TNF performance not included), which he’ll likely be in most matchups, and after a huge 206-yard performance vs. the Jets, Jordy Nelson checks in as this week’s No. 3 receiver.  The Packers’ “other” wideout, Randall Cobb, is also in my top 10, and in his third game with his new team, former Seahawk Golden Tate makes his way into the top 30.

Start all these players with the utmost confidence and take a look below for some more start/sits before you set your lineups prior to kickoff…

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I guess this question is really a two parter because there’s a yang to this yin. But to be honest, it’s Monday after week 16 has almost concluded. Losers need not apply. *Hears readership heading for exits*. Wait, wait, wait, did I say losers? I meant Lugers! Yeah, that’s it! You know, people who luge? Yeah, get the eff out, winter Olympic sports people! And take that Jamaican bobsled team with ya! Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted by a buncha sore Lugers…oh yeah, we were talking Fantasy Football, of course. The kind of Fantasy Football that wins championships, i.e. the bestest kind. For all the talk of JC Superstar and Knowshon this year, it’s kinda been lost in the shuffle that LeSean McCoy has been beasting all year. Ok, it’s hard to say that about @CutOnDime25 but when you think about it, it’s kinda true. Everyone talked about how he could be a fantasy stud in the off-season when Chip came to town but really, everyone was talking about Chip not him. Then Vick started the year off hot, so Michael Vick was the point of discussion. Then Vick sucked and that, of course, was the point of discussion. Then in waltzed Nick Foles who started running Chip’s offense at full steam and then he was the point of discussion. It’s odd that a guy can lead the NFL in rushing yards and be a bit of an afterthought in this game we play but that’s what happens when you’re consistently good but rarely breakout great in this game. Everyone wants week 15 JC Superstar, week 8 Megatron, week 13 Josh Gordon (will someone PLEASE give that man a nickname). But Shady has just ‘been there’. He’s had some big rushing days, don’t get me wrong as his 133 yards on the ground Sunday were his 6th 100+ yard effort of the year and he does have a 200+ yard snow game to his credit. I don’t know, maybe I’m Chris Collinsworth’ing this whole shizz and creating a narrative that doesn’t need to be made but I swear I’ve heard more about other players of this caliber over the course of the season than LeSean. Here’s to you, Shady, and the joy of the championships you brought to all those peoples out there who aren’t Lugers. In other news from week 16 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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We saw flashes of greatness from first year wide receivers last year in many players such as Josh Gordon, TY Hilton and Kendall Wright. Although there were only these flashes and these players lack consistency, patience is important with young receivers as development takes slightly longer for them than the running backs in our last post. In fantasy the wide receiver is often overlooked as a less important asset than positions like running back and quarterback and while that may be the case in re-draft it couldn’t further from the truth in dynasty. As compared to the high running back turnover in the top 10, and short shelf-life of running backs, wide receivers hold the best potential for long-term value. For running backs the age of 30, I know so old, is usually the breaking point for most players where as receivers are known to play at a competitive level far past this alleged breaking point, as seen with Reggie Wayne. I mean even Terrel Owens is begging for another chance in the NFL at the ripe old age of 39, we all know that it’s not going to happen but interesting to that a player at his age still believes he can compete, I don’t see 39 year old running backs lining up to get another chance. Regardless of TO and his off-season antics the point is that if you land a great wide receiver in your rookie draft, you might not be immediately rewarded in the 2013 season but the payoff later on down the road could be huge an that receiver could out perform any running back in this year’s current class. Lets take a look at my personal rankings and the short-term and long-term out look of some of these rookie standouts.

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