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Well, here we go again. Another ACL bites the dust, adding Kelvin Benjamin to a list that already includes Silas Redd, Jeff Heuerman, Ryan Clady, Dante Fowler, Travis Long, Ty Powell, Brandon Harris, Louis Delmas, Shaun Suisham, Stephen Hill, Zach Sudfeld, Sal Capaccio, Reshard Cliett, JaCorey Shepherd, annnnnnnnd Brandon Person. That’s honestly a pretty impressive team, one that could probably do well against the Browns. Even moreso with actual functioning ACL’s. Honestly though, on days like this, you wonder how players would be able to fare with an owner-driven 18-game season when they can’t go two weeks of preseason without some body part exploding. No doubt, this is a downright grueling game, but when Kelvin Benjamin, an up-and-coming wide receiver is lost for the year, well, you can’t just say “shucks” and move on. Well, I mean, you sorta have to, but you don’t have to like it. Especially if your a Panthers fan. Nope. You just say “F*ck!” and drink copious amounts of alcohol…

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So let me get this straight. The Chargers beat the Jets 31-0. The Dolphins beat the Chargers 37-0. So apparently by Monday Night Football calculations, we get something like this. I dare you to name ten worse games than this all year. You can’t! And just think… we get to watch these teams square off again this season! Ugh. The next time some Patriots fan tells you that their derp-fest of division has nothing to do with their success, show them last night’s game.

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Now that the draft dust has settled and mini-camps have started, we can start to get serious about rookie wide receiver and tight end contributions in fantasy football this year.  The wide receiver class is full of studs; those who could potentially unseat the incumbents and make some serious noise.  The tight end class is much weaker, as there are only a couple of  names that could potentially see a significant amount of playing time.

Before we get too excited about some of these guys, I always consider the quarterback throwing them the ball first.  We have all made mistakes in the past drafting high profile, high potential receivers (ahem, Larry Fitzgerald) with the hopes that they can miraculously make their quarterback’s smarter, or mechanics better.  Be realistic here, and still stick with drafting wide receivers and tight ends who have proven passers.

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I’m not gonna lie to you, I don’t know where I am right now. I just came back from the bars at 4 am to have a breakfast of waffles and scotch and I forgot to make the waffles. If you’re reading this then it probably means Sky’s lazy ass is somewhere ‘with family’ or some shit and I got a chance to step in and take over and give out these ridiculous Fantasy Football awards ‘in the spirit of the season’. First off, I guess I should preface this: I cuss a lot. Then again if you didn’t know that from the first couple of sentences, you’re either drunker or stupider than me. Secondly, WTF are you doing reading this on Christmas? Don’t you have some damned family around to make you sandwiches or something? Kid, my liver is the size of a Baleen Whale at this point so don’t be pretending you give a crap about what I’m writing unless you mean it. I’m what they call ‘an angry drunk’. I’m also an angrier sober so keep me socially lubricated. Now WTF were we talking about? Yeah, Fantasy Football. In a 12 team league, there are 11 people who’ve have their heart ripped out of their dong hole at this point except for those lucky few who do championships in week 17. And why are you doing that, exactly? Seriously, the JC Superstar owner is pretty much boned out of contention by that nonsense. Get your shit together. If you wanna include week 17, make it a two week championship then. Oh what, my harsh words gonna make you cry? You gonna tattle to Sky on me? What are you, five? Well if you are, let me tell you something: Santa’s not real. Yup, you guessed it there’s just a bunch of drunk arseholes like myself dressed up like this during the holidays and mommy and daddy are putting you on my lap to get your stupid picture taken. Reality bites, kid, get used to it. But enough school of hard knocks lessons from me, let’s cover who’s been naughty, who’s been nice and other fantasy football awards for the 2013 season before I throw up, get naked, and pass out (and not necessarily in that order)…

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I should’ve known it was black magic. Didn’t even need the woman to be involved. A Cleveland Browns passing offense that passes the eye test? Not possible they said. A QB that could withstand the pressure of playing behind a bad offensive line? ‘I’m incredulous’ said those who use the word ‘incredulous’ and actually know what it means. I blame Carlos Santana. Hey, there’s a catcher from the Indians named that so it’s apropos, people. But it happened for a couple of weeks that the Browns and their passing game was saved by their quarterback being – by both the stats test and the eye test – really not that bad. But of course it’s Cleveland and as we know, everything Browns eventually goes to Brown-town. Brian Hoyer left the Thursday Night Football game with a knee that couldn’t have been more shredded than the hillside of a snowboard instructor in Aspen. There’s nothing definitive as of this typing but for all intents and purposes, it didn’t look good at all and I wouldn’t be surprised if his season is over. I take partial blame as I’ve been snake-bitten with injuries this year and actually picked Hoyer up to stream this week in one of my leagues. Mea culpa. Moving forward, the skill position players are gonna have to learn what it means to go from good to bad and how to cope. The parts there are still good, but they lost a little luster for me tonight knowing it’s going to take a trade – unlikely – or a free agent pickup – possible? – to fix this mess. And just when I was about to say Cleveland Rocks…in other 2013 Fantasy Football news…

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Greetings Razzballer’s, before we run down the jammer crammer’s that could save your fantasy season, please join your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru in the Fantasy Hot Tub Time Machine as we take a short spin through the space-time continuum back to the year 1962. *wavy lines wavy lines* What the hell’s going on here? Hey, look out for that iceberg! Oh, it’s 1912, my bad. I’m king of the world! *more wavy lines* I want to welcome you all to the King’s X Cocktail Bar in Oakland, California. Grab a Manhattan and watch as three Mad Men types – Raiders part-owner Wilfred “Bill” Winkenbach, Raiders “public relation” guy Bill Tunnell and reporter Scotty Stirling – create something that will frustrate and anger all of us for the next 50 years…Fantasy Football. Anytime you combine a wealthy owner with a private dick, a headline fabricator and a pitcher of Tom Collins’ “brilliant” ideas are bound to spring up. Thus, that’s how the Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League turned into this frustrating game we devote more time and energy to than it actually deserves. Now raise a glass to Bill and the boys, lay a few sawbucks on the ’62 Packers and get your fanny perpendiculars back in the hot tub. *yet more wavy lines* It’s time to jam it or cram it.

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Week 2 of the NFL season was like a visit to Bizarro World in the old Superman comics or, for those not comically inclined, the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets Bizarro Jerry. She had man hands! Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says: “Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Budweiser tastes like Heineken, Bizarro KFC is made from real live chickens and Bizarro Tim Tebow is a right-handed-pot smoking-antichrist that actually completes passes. What in the name of Lex Luther occurred in our Bizarro Fantasy Football World last week? Philip Rivers played like a de-bearded Dan Fouts, Eddie Royal was catching passes like a goggleless John Jefferson and James Starks morphed into Paul Hornung on a hot streak. If you suffered through an unearthly Sunday, you’re not alone. Half of the top 6 fantasy scorers last week are less than 50% owned across most leagues. If you were one of the 2% that started Charles Clay on Sunday, I surrender my turban to you. Maybe you should be writing this, Bizarro Guru. It’s time to jam it or cram it.

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It started off so well. On two straight plays, Stevan Ridley ripped the Bills defense for a couple of nice runs. First one up the middle. Eleven yards. Next one off right tackle. Five yards. This last carry took him to 52 yards on the day on just 8 carries. Things were looking good, the Pats were driving and that sweet end zone love was surely gonna go into Stevan’s hands. Only he came up empty. Wait, let me restate that. He came up BIG empty, fumbling the ball on the very next play for a Bills defensive touchdown. Like what we all hope will happen to Miley Cyrus after the VMAs, Ridley wasn’t to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the game. That’s how Belichick rolls. Y’all got Hoodie Winked! Ridley had 4 fumbles last year, only losing 2 but the one thing that Bill won’t tolerate is fumbles from his RBs. Now I don’t think Ridley’s lost his starting job. Not by a long shot. But I do think he’s opened that door wider then Miley Cyrus…ok, enough about Hannah Montana analogies. I don’t see Ridley losing his job any time soon. That said, for other reasons, we may see a reduced workload moving forward. Remember when I ranked him 20th among RBs and you were all like ‘nuh-uh’ and I was like ‘uh-huh?’. This would be a good reason why. I don’t trust Bill to trust any player week to week unless he has a beautiful butt-chin. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news from week 1…

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Razzball Nation!  It’s so good to be back to Last Second Decisions entering it’s glorious third season.

Oh how I love Sunday mornings.  Got the fridge loaded, debating pizza toppings, and watching NFL pregame for like – 8 straight hours.  It’s like what Rush Limbaugh had to do after spouting off some nonsense about Donovan McNabb.  Notice McNabb isn’t bolded!  Oh how I feel I’m growing old…

I know what you’re thinking… Why the eff are we talking Donovan McNabb?!  Man I’m going off the rails.  Rein it in.  Is it reign?  Rain?  Time to get serious!  FACT!  If you’re new to Last Second Decisions, it’s my solution for Razzball keeping you up-to-date on our last minute start/sit thoughts and engaged up to the last minute while others just curl up and ignore the masses. Week 1 isn’t as intriguing as the all the following weeks with last minute burning questions, because, well, the only person questionable is Brad Childress.  Man talk about way too many Vikings references from 2009.  Is the Lake Minnetonka Cruise still afloat, or is Moe Williams having to shit in a plastic bag yet?  At least it’s not a closet, right Najeh Davenport!?

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For a fourth straight season, Razzball will be interviewing local NFL beat writers for some actual in-depth football knowledge to shed some additional light on our fantasy football knowledge.  Keep your eye out for an interview for every NFL team through the summer.  This installment comes courteous of Kevin O’Connor from leading New England Patriots blog Pats Pulpit:

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