Paired up against the second Presidential debate, it was easy to get distracted away from football to see the immediate fallout off the now infamous Donald Trump video, that amongst other things, had him describing how he likes grabbing women’s bathing suit areas as a mating ritual of some sort. (Let’s approach this anatomically really quick… can you actually “grab” someone by the hoo-ha? I mean, wouldn’t that be like picking up a bowling ball with just your thumb? It doesn’t even make any sense…) While I want to acknowledge that there was a very important moment in history that occurred last night in terms of how much you enjoy the consumption of popcorn while watching an 167-car pileup, I would only say this one thing before I move on: I wish someone had asked a fantasy football question. I mean, with all the bye weeks coming up, it IS topical as f*ck, right? So that being said, I’ll continue where the title of our post teases, which is: was that the most Eli game ever? That might have been. I mean, on one hand, Eli Manning somehow led the Giants to two Super Bowl titles. On the other hand, there’s stuff like this: 18-for-35, 199 yards and 1 TD, and the bi-weekly fumble (as opposed to his bi-weekly interception). This sort of relates to him as a fantasy quarterback too (XBox Segue Achievement Unlocked), in that at the base level, he’s a pretty run-of-the-mill option that ends up giving you 3500+ yards and 30+ touchdowns. There’s value to that, sure, and of course the Razzball community knows our policy with quarterbacks in most formats is to delay in the draft as long as you can (like my lovemaking), and this is usually where we end up: a bit below Ben Roethlisberger and a bit above the Andy Dalton line. But what I think separates the quarterbacks in this group are their weapons. Having probably one of the best receiving trios in the NFL is a fantasy boon is something that certainly keeps his value up, even when there are macabre games like this.
Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 5 Sunday games… (Maybe this will be the first week the Chargers don’t lose a high profile player to injury. MAYBE.)
Odell Beckham Jr. – 5 REC, 56 YDS, 11.2 AVG, 1 TD. So Ben McAdoo has a sense of humor… go figure.
Martellus Bennett – 6 REC, 67 YDS, 11.2 AVG, 3 TD. The reaction when I checked my team and remembered that I dropped Bennett earlier this week… So, there were some doubts as to how Bennett fits in this offense with both Brady and Gronkowski back, and it looks like it works. I would say that the tight end position is a revolving door once you get outside the top-5, so releasing him hurts much less than holding him in some respects, especially when the bye weeks approach, but I’m intrigued rest-of-season and think he should be owned in all formats if he already isn’t.
Legarrette Blount – 18 CAR, 37 YDS, 2.1 AVG, 1 TD. Uh, you do know you were playing the Browns, right? It’s no secret that Blount’s role becomes a bit more volatile with Brady’s return, so putting him out there as an available piece right after he has a good game isn’t the wildest idea I’ve heard, but he’s also in a spot where holding him makes sense too. He’ll have games like this, for sure, but Belichick still invests into the run game a lot, it’s just kinda harder to nail down the when.
Sam Bradford – 22/30, 271 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 2 TD, 123.1 RTG and 2 CAR, – 2 YDS. I had a weird dream last night where the Vikings beat the crap out of some fictional team from Houston (that WASN’T the Oilers). Wake me up? Honestly, if you’d told me before the season that the Vikings, having lost Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson to the IR, and trading for Sam Bradford, and because of this they would be the only undefeated team left after Week 5…
Tom Brady – 28/40, 406 YDS, 10.1 AVG, 127.7 RTG and 2 CAR, 14 YDS. What did the Browns do to deserve the this matchup? I’ll give them this though, it was the thoughtful thing to give the crowd what they want to see: all Brady, all day.
I hate the bumblebee uniforms so much. So, so much.
Sammie Coates – 6 REC, 139 YDS, 23.2 AVG, 2 TD. I think the Jets would have received a more productive use of their money by burning the amount they pay the secondary right on the field and calling it their cover 2 defense.
Tevin Coleman – 6 CAR, 31 YDS, 5.2 AVG and 4 REC, 132 YDS, 33.0 AVG, 1 TD. The template for every good Atlanta sports team are impressive regular seasons before postseason collapses… that’s what I’ve seen at least. Now, legitimizing that view (at least about the regular season) against a very-very good Broncos defense… that’s something.
Amari Cooper – 6 REC, 138 YDS, 23.0 AVG, 1 TD. God, the Chargers are melancholy-inducing.
Kirk Cousins – 29/41, 260 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 85.4 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Kirk Cousins has switched from underthrowing to overthrowing. This is an improvement, as at least this strategy probably won’t get his receivers killed. Baby steps everyone.
Jamison Crowder – 3 REC, 35 YDS, 11.7 AVG. Jameson >Â Jamison. I’m just stating the facts folks. I would have also accepted “drinking Jameson > watching the Washington offense”.
Andy Dalton – 29/41 269 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 2 TD, 104.6 RTG and 6 CAR, 34 YDS, 5.7 AVG. Pretty sure the Bengals were the fastest team in history to ragequit an NFL game with a 28-0 deficit at the fourth quarter. Random question though: If Dalton breaks an arm or leg, would that be… *puts on sunglasses* a Ginger Snap?
Isaiah Crowell – 13 CAR, 22 YDS, 1.7 AVG and 1 REC, 18 YDS. The only O-line in Cleveland that I can say exists is: “OHHHH MY GOD THE QUARTERBACK IS DOWN AGAIN!” Not sure if it’s the reason the running game didn’t take off, but I feel like it’s somewhat related.
Ezekiel Elliott – 15 CAR, 134 YDS, 8.9 AVG, 2 TD and 3 REC, 37 YDS, 12.3 AVG. I just wanted to let you all know that I found my keys this morning. Pretty hard to find, took a lot of time, but I’m happy everything worked out. Now, time to start looking for the Bengals run defense…
Will Fuller V – 1 REC, 4 YDS. So what the ef was going on with Houston yesterday? Why did the return specialist outscore Fuller? I just don’t understand this team. I don’t understand life.
Todd Gurley – 23 CAR, 72 YDS, 3.1 AVG, 1 TD and 3 REC, 36 YDS. LADIES AND GENTS, TODD GURLEY DID SOMETHING! WOOOOOOOOOOO. Keep holding, this’ll right itself. I think. Probably. Maybe. I’m certain. Sorta.
Hunter Henry – 3 REC, 74 YDS, 24.7 AVG, 1 TD. Hunter Henry could also be Hunter, Henry! Or Hunter: Henry! Yes, these are the things I think about when watching Chargers games. Seems more productive than eating a whole bottle of antidepressants.
Jeremy Hill – 4 CAR, 12 YDS, 3.0 AVG. THIS JEREMY HILL, I CALL HIMÂ THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, BECAUSE HE’SÂ IN COMPLETE DISARRAY, THE NATION THINKS HE’S AÂ JOKE, AND HE’SÂ DRIVING PEOPLEÂ TO DRINK INTO EXCESS!
T.Y. Hilton – 10 REC, 171 YDS, 17.1 AVG, 1 TD. I forgot Hilton existed. You know who didn’t? Rudy’s Pigskinator, ranking him in the top-5 of all receivers this week. In terms of this game, maybe the Luck-Hilton thing is coming back, or maybe in honor of breast cancer awareness month, the Bears secondary decided to go tits-up.
DeAndre Hopkins – 5 REC, 56 YDS, 11.2 AVG, 1 TD. Hey, some points! I don’t care, I’m committed for the long term here. (Probably the famous last words of Edward Smith.) Don’t caaaaaaaaare.
Brian Hoyer – 33/43, 397 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 2 TD, 120.0 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Hoyers ranked: 1) Steny Hoyer 2) Brian Hoyer 3) Uh, I don’t think there are any other Hoyer’s to be honest.
Andre Johnson – 2 REC, 13 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 1 TD. Heaven forbid Tajae Sharpe (2 REC, 17 YDS, 8.5 AVG) gets some targets…
Case Keenum – 21/31, 271 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 2 INT. Case Keenum: Not a good quarterback.
Cody Kessler – 5/8, 62 YDS, 7.8 AVG, 1 TD, 126.0 RTG and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. Kessler went to the locker room early in the second quarter yesterday with injuries to his ribs and chest and did not return. Is playing quarterback for the Browns indicative of a death wish or something? I feel like at this point, it’s definitely a cry for help.
Eddie Lacy – 11 CAR, 81 YDS, 7.4 AVG and 1 REC, 3 YDS. During Pinktober, does Lacy give a demonstration on how to check for lumps on his own boobs?
Jarvis Landry – 3 REC, 28 YDS, 9.3 AVG. I think nihilism is a prerequisite any time you own a Miami Dolphins player. More specifically, their players on offense. All of them.
Jesse James – 6 REC, 43 YDS, 7.2 AVG, 1 TD.  If you took a drink every time the Jets messed up an assignment during one game, you’d be dead by now.
Jerick McKinnon – 20 CAR, 36 YDS, 1.8 AVG and 1 REC, 10 YDS. Don’t give into peer pressure, fail like you’ve never failed before maaaaaan.
Cameron Meredeth – 9 REC, 130 YDS, 1 TD. I don’t know what the heck a Cameron Meredeth is or what it does, but I’m happy it exists!
Dak Prescott – 18/24, 227 YDS, 9.5 AVG, 1 TD, 117.9 RTG and 7 CAR, 4 YDS, 1 TD. God, my Dak is so hard right now. I hope Tony Romo is subscribed to LinkedIn.
Theo Riddick – 11 CAR, 49 YDS, 4.5 AVG and 6 REC, 33 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 2 TD. Might have been worth it for the Eagles to cover the Chronicles of Riddick at some point. I’m no “thinking man”, but that’s the humble conclusion I came to.
Philip Rivers – 20/29, 359 YDS, 12.4 AVG, 4 TD, 2 INT, 122.0 RTG. Is Philip Rivers’s wife not pregnant? The Chargers did SOMETHING to upset the universe.
Ben Roethlisberger – 34/47, 380 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 4 TD, 124.4 RTG. “I usually try to get them drunk first, but yeah…” – Ben Roethlisberger on watching the Donald Trump video this weekend.
Ryan Tannehill – 12/18, 191 YDS, 10.6 AVG, 2 INT, 62.3 RTG. Shocking news: Tannehill is not a good quarterback.
Tyrod Taylor – 12/23, 124 YDS, 5.4 AVG, 2 TD, 97.0 RTG and 5 CAR, 28 YDS, 5.6 AVG. The real question here is: will Tony Romo do a reverse Drew Bledsoe and go to Buffalo when he’s run out of town? Though, I hear the Broncos could use another old quarterback who is coming off a major injury who has maybe 1500-2000 pass attempts left in him before turning to dust…
Carson Wentz – 25/33, 238 YDS, 7.2 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 102.8 RTG and 2 CAR, 14 YDS. Almost time for Eagles fans to shift gears from “cautiously optimistic” to “completely insufferable”. That transition should be excruciatingly soon…
Charlie Whitehurst – 14/24, 182 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 78.8 RTG and 2 CAR, 1 YDS. Did I just hear the name Clipboard Jesus mentioned? Browns are down to their third quarterback, and that’s like the 78th quarterback to a real franchise.
Final Thought
