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You know, I don’t really hate giving the lede to the NFC South, and if you’ve been spending any time here at Razzball, you know that I find this division so very… satisfying. Not in the good way, like, wow, this NFC South man, it gives the greatest head type of way. No… but to be honest, I have felt similar sensations. It’s the satisfying “oh my god, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, so I’ll just laugh at it and celebrate it for being the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” type of thing. But the fact remains, I don’t hate talking about it. So at what point does it become masochistic? I mean, we are talking about the day after fantasy football “Championship Week”, probably the most masochistic weekend in all of fantasy sports, so yeah, it’s going to be theme. So with the Saints losing to the Falcons, we now have a NFC South “Superbowl” with the Panthers visiting the Falcons to decide who gets the home playoff defeat. Yes, the Saints are as good as eliminated, but if I understand math correctly (I really don’t), if this game ends in a tie, the Falcons, Panthers, and Saints will all just trigger a nuclear reaction that will re-birth the universe. What a place that would be! In other Sunday news, it’s apparent the NFL wants a Patriots vs. Cowboys Superbowl, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Then again, I probably wasn’t ready for a 7-8-1 (or a 7-9) playoff team… so there’s that I guess…

 

Vikings – 35, Dolphins – 37

Ryan Tannehill – 35/47, 396 YDS, 4 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 1 YDS. The Waiver Wire thanks you for your point donation total.

Lamar Miller – 19 CAR, 92 YDS, 1 TD and 5 REC, 58 YDS. Miller put on a clinic against the Vikings! Unfortunately though, it’s wasn’t a health clinic. Sorry to all the low-income Dade County residents.

 

Ravens – 13, Texans – 25

Case Keenum – 20/42, 185 YDS, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 19 YDS. Am I the only one who pictures this when hearing the name Case Keenum?

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Arian Foster – 25 CAR, 96 YDS and 1 REC, 23 YDS and 1/1, 5 YDS, 1 TD. At what point do the Texans just change their team name to “J.J. Watt and the Foster”. It’d have to be next season, right? Here’s another question: Better symbol of 21st century masculinity… J.J. Watt or James Watt?

Joe Flacco – 21/50, 195 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT and 1 CAR, 5 YDS. ELITE. So effing elite folks.

Steve Smith Sr. – 5 REC, 49 YDS. Steve Smith’s body finally realized he’s old…

 

Lions – 20, Bears – 14

Matthew Stafford – 22/39, 243 YDS, 2 INT and 4 CAR, 2 YDS. It’s almost like Matthew Stafford isn’t very good or something.

Joique Bell – 13 CAR, 74 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 13 YDS. More like “The Bears defense? What a Joique!”, amirght?

Jimmy Clausen – 23/39, 181 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 9 YDS. Wow, Clausen didn’t get shut out… QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY!

 

Browns – 13, Panthers – 17

Cam Newton – 18/31, 201 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 12 CAR, 63 YDS, 1 TD. Looks like Newton benefited from the pool of endless wisdom… possessed by Derek Anderson.

Brian Hoyer – 7/13, 134 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 19 YDS. Came in after Johnny Maziel, aka Johnny “Football” “Waiver Wire” “Foot Doctor” “Injured” (3/8, 32 YDS, 2 CAR, 3 YDS) was injured on a running play to the sidelines. (It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t use protection.) But don’t worry. You can’t stop Brian Hoyer, you can only hope to… wait, yeah, nevermind. He’s easy to stop. He actually, most of the time, just stops himself.

 

Falcons – 30, Saints – 14

Julio Jones – 7 REC, 107 YDS. Well, he didn’t get a touchdown, so there’s some silver lining here for all of you who didn’t start him due to injury concerns. (I was one of those people, if I thought I had better options.) Lesson learned. These injured “decoys” will be productive 100% of the time, some of the times, 50% of the time.

Harry Douglas – 4 REC, 47 YDS. Harry Douglas… sounds like a 70’s CBS detective show.

Drew Brees – 30/47, 313 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 8 YDS, 1 FUM. Breesus had so many birds covering him during yesterday’s game, I thought I was watching a Hitchcock movie.

Jimmy Graham – 6 REC, 53 YDS, 1 TD. We’ve replaced Jimmy Graham with the corpse of a 107-year-old quadriplegic for the past month. Let’s see if anyone notices… (But did the quadriplegic play basketball?)

 

Packers – 20, Buccaneers – 3

Eddie Lacy – 17 CAR, 99 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS. Eddie Lacy’s nickname should really be “Physics: Mass X Acceleration”.

 

Chiefs – 12, Steelers – 20

Ben Roethlisberger – 18/25, 220 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, -4 YDS. Extending plays is what Big Ben does best. Oh, and also sexual assault.

Dwayne Bowe – 6 REC, 57 YDS. Odds are, we’ll see the first Kansas City touchdown catch by a wide receiver this season pretty soon… HAHA, just kidding. Alex Smith (31/45, 311 YDS and 2 CAR, 14 YDS), bro.

Heath Miller – 7 REC, 68 YDS. Guys, do Steeler fans like Heath Miller?

 

Patriots -17, Jets – 16

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Never thought the “Tuck Rule” would be upstaged…

Tom Brady – 23/35, 182 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 10 YDS. Consider this Rex Ryan’s audition tape for his next job.

Danny Amendola – 8 REC, 63 YDS. Tried hard to fit in that annual season-ending injury… and he can’t even do that correctly.

Rob Gronkowski – 6 REC, 31 YDS, 1 TD. Gronk as a blocker is about as reliable as Gronk as a celibate.

Jeff Cumberland – 3 REC, 43 YDS. The army of the Cumberland Chattanooga’d the Patriots secondary.

 

Giants – 37, Rams – 27 

Eli Manning – 25/32, 391 YDS, 3 TD and 3 CAR, -3 YDS. Eli with three touchdowns. Wait, where are you going? Stop laughing.

Orleans Darkwa – 4 CAR, 21 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 17 YDS. Not only is he Andre Williams‘ (26 CAR, 110 YDS) vulture, Orleans Darkwa is also the villain in the new Star Wars movie.

Odell Beckham Jr. – 8 REC, 148 YDS, 2 TD and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. Yeah, no need to cover Beckham, it’s not like he’s good or anything.

 

Bills – 24, Raiders – 26

Al Davis’ eternal flame, burning the Raiders franchise to the ground forevermore. So they can have this.

David Carr – 17/34, 214 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 0 YDS. Has Carr: A) Gotten two black eyes? B) Joined the cast of Twilight? Or C) Mistaken his significant other’s eye shadow for his eye black?

Darren McFadden – 9 CAR, 54 YDS and 1 REC, 0 YDS. You know it’s bad for Buffalo when Darren McFadden is in the game and gains positive yardage.

Kyle Orton – 32/49, 329 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT. Wow, nice haircut Orton… did your mom stop halfway through?

Sammy Watkins – 3 REC, 75 YDS, 1 TD. The Buffalo, starring Sammy Watkins.

 

Colts – 7,  Cowboys – 42

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Annnnnnnd the 2014 Eagles are dead.

Tony Romo – 18/20, 218 YDS, 4 TD and 3 CAR, 28 YDS. C’mon Romonobyl… you’ve got another couple December meltdowns left in that old tank yet…

DeMarco Murray – 22 CAR, 58 YDS, 1 TD. At first, it looked like Murray was just going to come out on pass-blocking situations, but Jason’s Garrett fascination with ending Murray’s season as fast as he can was, apparently, way too tempting. To be honest, the Joesph Randle (13 CAR, 37 YDS and 1 REC, 7 YDS, 1 FUM) and the Lance Dunbar (2 CAR, 4 YDS and 2 REC, 10 YDS) Experience seemed unnecessary.

Andrew Luck – 15/22, 109 YDS, 2 INT. I get that you don’t need this game, but if you’re going to phone it in, could you, at the very least, not use a rotary dial? I mean, more like Andrew Suck, amiright?

Matt Hasselbeck – 15/21, 126 YDS, 1 TD. If you Google “Hasselbeck”, Matt comes in third behind “Elizabeth” and “Potatoes”. He truly is the ultimate backup.

Trent Richardson – 2 CAR, 1 YDS and 2 REC, 8 YDS. Imagine if he didn’t have to play six games against the AFC South every year…

Dez Bryant – 5 REC, 73 YDS, 1 TD. Dez’s weekly reminder that Dez is good at the game of football.

 

Seahawks – 35, Cardinals – 6

Russell Wilson – 20/31, 339 YDS, 2 TD and 6 CAR, 88 YDS, 1 TD. Russell Wilson is going to be one of those guys who wears their high school letter jacket out to dinner when he’s 58, isn’t he…

Marshawn Lynch – 10 CAR, 113 YDS, 2 TD. I would have thought that the Cardinals would have been even less inclined than usual to to tackle him since Lynch was likely to sh*t himself on impact.

Luke Willson – 3 REC, 139 YDS, 2 TD. Luke used the force. Good, it was.

Ryan Lindley – 18/44, 216 YDS, 1 INT. I’m not necessarily saying Logan Thomas is the answer here, but we’ve already seen enough Ryan Lindley to know for sure that he isn’t the answer, right?

 

  1. Grant says:
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    Thanks to Luck being Suck and the Murray situation not going in my favor, I gambled and started Randle. I just got destroyed in my one championship game, which sucks because I had a 3 game lead on everyone in the regular season and outscored the next person by 350. Oh well. I still have 1 more week in my other league because the genius that set it up did 4 team playoff with 2 weeks each. But that one is all said and done as well with Stafford and the Murray situation again.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Grant: tough to read. Luck was terrible. And I know there are still leagues playing, but seems like a tough format to play in, accounting for the start/sits in Week 17.

    • goodfold2 says:
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      @Grant: there’s a lot of us around here that probably had simliar resumes going into finals that lost by like 80 or more. i was over 368 better than guy who beat me, his team was so bad he had to play sproles/gerhart/tannehill vs my
      luck/evans/a.brown/moncrief (over matthews and c.johnson (MIN))/ bell (PIT)/charles/o.daniels (i’ve NEVER guessed right with TE’s this year)/parkey/DET.

  2. Wilsonian says:
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    Damn. I got beat by ODB and my cousin Russell. Didn’t help that Brady, Benjamin, Stills, LaFell, New England’s defense, and Gostkowski didn’t show up.

    I’m only down 46.15 points going into tonight’s game. I have CJ Anderson and he has Sanders. Looks like it’s a 2nd place finish for me!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Wilsonian: sucks man. A lot of meh production from those guys, otherwise you’d be in it. Not much of a silver lining though… that Patriots game was just weird.

  3. Yoyo ma says:
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    Need 6 points for championship. PPR. Go with hill or Bernard? Worried about the broncos run defense. Who’s the better play for the 6 PTs? Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Yoyo ma: gotta go with Hill there.

  4. Travis says:
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    For those of us still playing, you guys plan to do a post identifying players likely to rest or what not for week 17? I.E. Should I start DeMarco Murray next weekend, or go with Randle (since DAL has locked it up)? Dez? Will Luck phone it in again next week?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Travis: totally. Well have it out on Friday, stay tuned!

      • Crazy old guy babbling in the corner says:
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        @Jay: can you give a sneak preview before then to base WW pickups off? :)

  5. Bye Felicia says:
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    Fantasy Football Sucks!
    I always lose the championship with the best players, to the worst team. Never fails… when tannehill and the rest of his scrubs go off for 1000 pts! HAHAHA <<< is all I have left!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Bye Felicia: yeah… that Tannehill, how ridiculous was that?

  6. THat Cowboys Colts game was so pathetic. Who thought they would see Matt Hasselbeck play again?

  7. Andy Reid says:
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    Who is this Jamaal Charles guy?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Andy Reid: Hey, I see you’re out of time outs. Here, have some of mine…

      • Flowers misses his old glasses, but he's ok tho says:
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        @Jay: dude needs more fish in his obv low level protein diet, too low for a walrus.

  8. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Lost by 2.2pts on Fred Jackson’s 34 yard check down. Unreal.

Comments are closed.