You know, I don’t really hate giving the lede to the NFC South, and if you’ve been spending any time here at Razzball, you know that I find this division so very… satisfying. Not in the good way, like, wow, this NFC South man, it gives the greatest head type of way. No… but to be honest, I have felt similar sensations. It’s the satisfying “oh my god, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, so I’ll just laugh at it and celebrate it for being the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” type of thing. But the fact remains, I don’t hate talking about it. So at what point does it become masochistic? I mean, we are talking about the day after fantasy football “Championship Week”, probably the most masochistic weekend in all of fantasy sports, so yeah, it’s going to be theme. So with the Saints losing to the Falcons, we now have a NFC South “Superbowl” with the Panthers visiting the Falcons to decide who gets the home playoff defeat. Yes, the Saints are as good as eliminated, but if I understand math correctly (I really don’t), if this game ends in a tie, the Falcons, Panthers, and Saints will all just trigger a nuclear reaction that will re-birth the universe. What a place that would be! In other Sunday news, it’s apparent the NFL wants a Patriots vs. Cowboys Superbowl, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Then again, I probably wasn’t ready for a 7-8-1 (or a 7-9) playoff team… so there’s that I guess…
Vikings – 35, Dolphins – 37
Lamar Miller – 19 CAR, 92 YDS, 1 TD and 5 REC, 58 YDS. Miller put on a clinic against the Vikings! Unfortunately though, it’s wasn’t a health clinic. Sorry to all the low-income Dade County residents.
Ravens – 13, Texans – 25
Arian Foster – 25 CAR, 96 YDS and 1 REC, 23 YDS and 1/1, 5 YDS, 1 TD. At what point do the Texans just change their team name to “J.J. Watt and the Foster”. It’d have to be next season, right? Here’s another question: Better symbol of 21st century masculinity… J.J. Watt or James Watt?
Lions – 20, Bears – 14
Jimmy Clausen – 23/39, 181 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 9 YDS. Wow, Clausen didn’t get shut out… QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY!
Browns – 13, Panthers – 17
Brian Hoyer – 7/13, 134 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 19 YDS. Came in after Johnny Maziel, aka Johnny
“Football” “Waiver Wire” “Foot Doctor” “Injured” (3/8, 32 YDS, 2 CAR, 3 YDS) was injured on a running play to the sidelines. (It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t use protection.) But don’t worry. You can’t stop Brian Hoyer, you can only hope to… wait, yeah, nevermind. He’s easy to stop. He actually, most of the time, just stops himself.
Falcons – 30, Saints – 14
Julio Jones – 7 REC, 107 YDS. Well, he didn’t get a touchdown, so there’s some silver lining here for all of you who didn’t start him due to injury concerns. (I was one of those people, if I thought I had better options.) Lesson learned. These injured “decoys” will be productive 100% of the time, some of the times, 50% of the time.
Jimmy Graham – 6 REC, 53 YDS, 1 TD. We’ve replaced Jimmy Graham with the corpse of a 107-year-old quadriplegic for the past month. Let’s see if anyone notices… (But did the quadriplegic play basketball?)
Packers – 20, Buccaneers – 3
Chiefs – 12, Steelers – 20
Dwayne Bowe – 6 REC, 57 YDS. Odds are, we’ll see the first Kansas City touchdown catch by a wide receiver this season pretty soon… HAHA, just kidding. Alex Smith (31/45, 311 YDS and 2 CAR, 14 YDS), bro.
Heath Miller – 7 REC, 68 YDS. Guys, do Steeler fans like Heath Miller?
Patriots -17, Jets – 16
Never thought the “Tuck Rule” would be upstaged…
Danny Amendola – 8 REC, 63 YDS. Tried hard to fit in that annual season-ending injury… and he can’t even do that correctly.
Rob Gronkowski – 6 REC, 31 YDS, 1 TD. Gronk as a blocker is about as reliable as Gronk as a celibate.
Giants – 37, Rams – 27
Bills – 24, Raiders – 26
Al Davis’ eternal flame, burning the Raiders franchise to the ground forevermore. So they can have this.
David Carr – 17/34, 214 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 0 YDS. Has Carr: A) Gotten two black eyes? B) Joined the cast of Twilight? Or C) Mistaken his significant other’s eye shadow for his eye black?
Kyle Orton – 32/49, 329 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT. Wow, nice haircut Orton… did your mom stop halfway through?
Colts – 7, Cowboys – 42
Annnnnnnd the 2014 Eagles are dead.
DeMarco Murray – 22 CAR, 58 YDS, 1 TD. At first, it looked like Murray was just going to come out on pass-blocking situations, but Jason’s Garrett fascination with ending Murray’s season as fast as he can was, apparently, way too tempting. To be honest, the Joesph Randle (13 CAR, 37 YDS and 1 REC, 7 YDS, 1 FUM) and the Lance Dunbar (2 CAR, 4 YDS and 2 REC, 10 YDS) Experience seemed unnecessary.
Andrew Luck – 15/22, 109 YDS, 2 INT. I get that you don’t need this game, but if you’re going to phone it in, could you, at the very least, not use a rotary dial? I mean, more like Andrew Suck, amiright?
Matt Hasselbeck – 15/21, 126 YDS, 1 TD. If you Google “Hasselbeck”, Matt comes in third behind “Elizabeth” and “Potatoes”. He truly is the ultimate backup.
Trent Richardson – 2 CAR, 1 YDS and 2 REC, 8 YDS. Imagine if he didn’t have to play six games against the AFC South every year…
Dez Bryant – 5 REC, 73 YDS, 1 TD. Dez’s weekly reminder that Dez is good at the game of football.
Seahawks – 35, Cardinals – 6
Luke Willson – 3 REC, 139 YDS, 2 TD. Luke used the force. Good, it was.
Ryan Lindley – 18/44, 216 YDS, 1 INT. I’m not necessarily saying Logan Thomas is the answer here, but we’ve already seen enough Ryan Lindley to know for sure that he isn’t the answer, right?