I am not gonna lie, I’m doing this the lazy way. I just spent the day watching football, cleaning house, watching more football, taking the dog for a walk, watching more football, drinking, watching, more drinking…well, you get the point. I’m gonna recap that which is recappable and ignore that which is recrappable. And sadly, there was much that could’ve gone in the pie hole today and instead came out another one. But that’s for the reviews and we ain’t there yet, we’re still talking in the opener soooo…um, welcome to your Turkey hangover I guess? I don’t know what else to say. I’m typing this pre-podcast with the crew over at Revelation Sports. Little to their knowledge, they’re getting me three beers in. Ok, I fib, I’m at about five and really I still have an hour to get a couple more in. I pray for all involved that I don’t say something stupid like ‘start all Green Bay Packer wide receivers’. That would really make me look drunk, right? Ok, I’m foreshadowing. Let’s antishadow and get this going. Here’s the three servings of Thanksgiving Night Football for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…
The first serving is always feeling your way through things. How’s Grandma’s Green Bean Casserole? It’s not bad. How’s Aunt Deb’s sweet potatoes? As good as you remembered. How’s Uncle Moon Rainbow Peace Flower’s (formerly Chuck) organic free range bark biscuits? Hrm…splintery…needless to say, it’s you making sure you know what’s good and what’s not for the all important second run. Needless to say, it has some major success and some major failure. Much like game one of Turkey day. Let’s review, shall we?
Matt Flynn – Matt is your Uncle’s bark biscuits. How he started the second half is beyond me. Finished much like he started: throwing about 5 to 10 yards short of what the game dictated he should’ve been. I wasn’t huge on him this week for rankings as QB17 but even I have to admit this dud was pretty surprising. How quickly we can go from in like Flynn to out like it as well. Let us all pray for Rodgers to come back next week…and shave that awful mustache before he does.
Reggie Bush – He’s a mudder who said he wouldn’t fumble again this year. HE LIED. Didn’t matter. Tallied 182 total yards and a TD on the day. This is why you drafted him. He’s your Aunt’s sweet potatoes…not THOSE sweet potatoes. I don’t care if she married into the family, dude. That’s gross.
Calvin Johnson – More fantasy news that’s not really news: Megatron is good. Fantasy news that is news: he got dinged up. On what would’ve been his second TD of the day, he got his knee rolled over in the end zone as he dropped the ball and was basically not a part of the gameplan from there on out as Detroit already had a solid lead. Then again, a 6/101/1 day isn’t the worst thing to wake from a Turkey coma to.
Matthew Stafford – Is doing his best to destroy that sense of safety his owners have rolling with him into the playoffs. After a four turnover game last week, he follows it up with three this week. Sure, the end stats aren’t too bad – 22/35 for 330 and 3 TDs – but unless you have never played before, we all remember 2012. Let’s hope he’s not trending downward at the wrong time.
Eddie Lacy – I really don’t have too much to say here. When you’re throwing screen passes to John Kuhn, it’s pretty clear you don’t know what you’re doing on offense. I’m currently listening to the Steelers use Le’Veon well in the passing game. After Lacy ripped the Lions for a 20 yard gain, he was only targeted twice again on a day in which the Packers were constantly worried about QB pressure. Not sure what to tell you, McCarthy other than learn how to coach if Rodgers doesn’t come back this year.
Jarrett Boykin/James Jones/Jordy Nelson – Combined didn’t outscore Megatron on the day. Heck, they didn’t even catch as many passes nor gain as much yardage. And while we’re at it, they only out-targeted Calvin 12-10. How does a team play from behind all game and only target their top three receiving threats 12 times? Oh right, Flynn. The millionaire backup QB whose career path should’ve really had him greeting people at Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving than starting for an NFL team.
Ok, you now know what’s good and what’s not so you go back and load up on the great stuff. Along the way through the first helping, you found some surprises that were nice. Your cousin’s bourbon cranberry compote doesn’t just deserve to be eaten again over turkey, it deserves its own shrine. The sweet potatoes with pecans and parmesan came out of nowhere from your weird great Uncle Herb who’s been wearing his toupee backwards since before you were born. There’s no way he made this, one of his electronic slot machine lady friends from the bar had to have helped which now makes you wonder just how much cigarette ash is actually in it. Doesn’t matter, still good. But maybe that was just my Thanksgiving, on with game two…
Tony Romo – Apparently he was battling a virus this week and the numbers were pretty minimal: 225 and a TD. For a guy who normally goes off on Turkey Day, I’m sure this disappointed just a few fantasy players and daily league players (yes, I’m both).
Rashad Jennings – It wasn’t pretty but it worked: 42 total yards but with 2 touchdowns and finished the game getting knocked the fug out with a kick to the helmet. Let’s hope he’s ok next week. It was clear the Cowboys, not unlike what Washington did with Kaepernick, were trying to force the Raiders to prove they could pass the ball on them and really, it didn’t work that well, they just got lucky. Dallas defense is an ok stream against abysmal offenses but against mediocre, you’re playing with fire. This game was a better thrown TD pass from going into OT. Oh and Darren McFadden is back to make this whole concussion mess much more stressful then it should be for us Jennings owners. Thanks Obama!
DeMarco Murray – I guess I’m supposed to be impressed by the touchdowns – all three of them – but I’m still looking at what was really a poor rushing attack from you: 17 for 63. Sure, he finished 102 total yards and threw in five receptions but I wouldn’t say I was overly impressed by Murray. His co-part on the other hand…
Lance Dunbar – Attacked the holes when they were provided and the stats showed it: 94 total yards with 82 on the ground good for a 6.8 average. Here’s where I’d say to scramble and pick him up if he hadn’t hurt sprained his left knee in the 4th quarter. He went from candied yams to candy corn in a jiff there. If you’re in a deep league and can sit on him for a while to see if he’s a go, I’d do so. If not, you just got promised Kate Upton topless from your google search image suggestions and got a bunch of poorly done photoshop images. Yeah, yeah they did the job but you still weren’t happy with the end result. And now you’re not invited for Thanksgiving in 2014.
Matt McGloin – He looked a’ight. I’m not gonna overhype him. On the one hand, he made smart choices when under pressure. On the other, his receivers saved him from looking bad on some pretty inaccurate throws. All that said, I’m looking forward to starting my McGloin’s food chain here soon. It’ll be a Breastaurant. I don’t want to tell you what the pieces of flare will be because then you’ll know where they’ll be placed and why.
Dez Bryant – We shouldn’t be unimpressed – 7/61/1 – and yet I know we all are. We’re still looking at how he finished the 2012 year but ignoring how he started it. It’s ok, I traded for him and am experiencing the same. You are not alone.
Andre Holmes – Well hello stranger. Great adjustment on some poorly thrown balls and finished with a game high 7/136 because of it. He looked good and his connection with McGloin looked even gooder. I’m running out of the ability to use the English language properly as I’m suffering from both alcohol and turkey poisoning at this point. I think what I’m trying to tell you is to pick him up if you need some upside at WR down the stretch.
This you shouldn’t have done. At this point you’re just delirious and going for flavor. You’re not hungry so why the mashed potatoes with garlic butter? It’s clear you’re going for the knockout punch. You’ve had your fill. Still the day only comes once a year and you are a warrior in every sense of the word. So unbutton your pants and sit with your last plate of food for the day and enjoy. Just don’t eat a mint, even if it’s only wafer thin when you’re done. And with that disgusting display, on with game three…
Joe Flacco – If there’s anyone who knows how to get his team in field goal range, it’s Flacco: 24/35 for 251 and a TD. Seriously, the kicker got the Thanksgiving equivalent of the game ball…THE KICKER. Baltimore had plenty of scoring opportunities in this game but they never came to fruition as Tucker stole everyone’s imagination with his heroic 5/5 day. Go wax your eyebrows, Joe.
Heath Miller – I can’t remember but I think he had 2 TDs taken away on the night. Finished with a healthy 8/86 for one of his better games on the year and might be finally getting at 100% after this showing. If he’s floating around in the gravy boat that is your FA pool and you’re stuck with some schlub, he’s worth a rostering.
Torrey Smith – Lotta missed opportunities for Torrey but that’s what happens when you’re the long bomb specialist. He still finished with 6/93/1 and is making that BUY call look nice. We all know that’s why he played so well.
Jerricho Cotchery – He’s the modern day Cris Carter cuz all he does is catch touchdowns. Wait, didn’t he play when Carter did? Maybe he’s just Carter in disguise…neverthewho! Only 2 receptions for 6 yards but one of them was a TD. You know, the week after you dropped him because he did jack squat.
Jacoby Jones – Yeah, only had 4/53 but could’ve had a return TD if it weren’t for evil Mike Tomlin. And before you squawk, Steeler Nation, yes he did smile afterwards. He smiled an evil, duplicitous smile. But enough about that, let’s talk about that Torrey buy call. It kinda applies here as Jones has become the second best target for Flacco since returning from injury. Definitely a matchups dependent WR3 for the playoff run if you’re desperate and since you’re reading this, I’d have to assume you are.
Le’Veon Bell – You can’t run on the Ravens this year…well, unless you’re Bell: 16/73/1 on the ground and 7/63 through the air. He was one of the 20 Steelers who had TDs taken away from them in the waning seconds of the game. I’m only half-joking about that number. It was ridic. Either way, I’ve been saying all year I wasn’t that impressed with Le’Veon. Last night wasn’t one of those nights. He ran very effectively. I don’t know if that is the trend from here on out but if it is, he’s gonna beast down the stretch. He was already a high end RB2 because of the volume alone.
Ben Roethlisberger – Went for 257 and 2 TDs. Really, he’s been on for a while as a productive fantasy QB for a while, albeit a little under the radar because the Steelers were supposed to be ‘done’ week 5. But with a few O-line adjustments and an improved rushing attack, Big Ben has been the perfect example off ‘used to be a sexy name, now is not and now everyone has forgotten’ kinda guys. Still has been struggling with the deep ball a lot by comparison to previous years but the numbers for a QB12 or QB14 will be there by the end of the year and most of it will have come in the second half of the season.
Ray Rice – I’m just putting him here so you can spew your hatred at him in the comments. We all know there’s nothing of fantasy worth to talk about here.
And that concludes your Thanksgiving football feast recap. Now pardon me while I go sleep off my giblets and gravy hangover of my own. Happy holidays everyone and to my Canadian friends…well, you’re doing it wrong. Whose fault is that? I keed, peace out!