National Football League, we’ve got a lot of problems with you, and now you’re going to hear about it. In no particular order, when did the NFC North become the new AFC South? With the NFC East being a pretty good division again, does that mean I have to start wearing my 90’s flannel shirts? And should we all get concussions? Afterall, according to you, it’s not just a concussion, it’s a cancussion. Why is it, that amidst your “Salute to Service” Sunday, that you don’t mention that the taxpayers fund all the lavish patriotism we see every Sunday? What is a catch? It’s like the only thing that’s ever stayed a controversy in football since I was a kid. That, and John Elway probably being a secret horse in disguise. In fact, here was the first official NFL rules committee meeting to define what exactly a catch was. But most of all (just in the context of yesterday, because why trap yourself, ya know?), I’m so confused on how the Seahawks actually won. (Note: It’s weird to watch a game where you end up screaming in agony when anything good happens for either team.) Admittedly, I’m not so much confused on how they actually won, that’s pretty straightforward; it was some combination of an overrated New England defense getting exposed, mixed with big nights from Russell Wilson (25/37, 348 YDS, 9.4 AVG, 3 TD, 124.6 RTG and 3 CAR, 6 YDS) and C.J. Prosise (17 CAR, 66 YDS, 3.9 AVG, 10 LONG and 7 REC, 87 YDS, 12.4 AVG, 38 LONG, 7 TGTS). But how the Seahawks could win in such a karmaic (word?) fashion… I mean, talk about sh*tty calls for the last four plays of the game, almost seems familiar. Almost like it’s happened before… And I’m sure the Boston media will have a field day talking about how the “non-call” on Gronk was a crime against humanity, a genocide they’ll say! Well, if he didn’t do such a great job blocking into the endzone on a run play to Blount that should have been the call, they might have had a case. In the mean time, I wouldn’t worry to much about Patriots “nation” forming a protest to go against the result, mainly because they probably think “genocide” has something to do with the Jets…
Jay Ajayi – 19 CAR, 79 YDS, 40 LONG and 1 REC, 1 YDS, 1 TGTS. So not only do the Chargers give up 31 points in a dumb loss, but they manage to give them up all to Not-Ajayi. Figures.
Antonio Brown – 14 REC, 154 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 1 TD, 44 LONG, 18 TGTS and 1 CAR, -10 YDS. This is actually a deleted scene from the Matrix trilogy you just watched.
Blake Bortles – 32/49, 265 YDS, 5.4 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 84.1 RTG and 3 CAR, 11 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 11 LONG. Can they seriously not do better than Blake Bortles? I mean, I might be in throwing shape if Bortles is the litmus test.
Kenny Britt – 7 REC, 109 YDS, 15.6 AVG, 46 LONG, 10 TGTS. So I’m guessing that Revis Island (or expressway at this point) is on a whole bunch of milk cartons throughout the tri-state area starting today, right?
Dez Bryant – 6 REC, 116 YDS, 19.3 AVG, 1 TD, 50 LONG, 9 TGTS. That play looked like total sh*t right up until Bryant crossed the goal line. Also, Bryant didn’t hold onto the ball until he got back to the bench, so I’m not even sure that counts as a completion.
Randall Cobb – 4 REC, 31 YDS, 7.8 AVG, 11 LONG, 8 TGTS. Rampage is a feeling, right?
Ezekiel Elliott – 21 CAR, 114 YDS, 5.4 AVG, 2 TD, 32 LONG and 2 REC, 95 YDS, 47.5 AVG, 1 TD, 83 LONG, 2 TGTS. Only four years until his bones turn to dust, as is the Cowboys way. Oh, did you also know that Elliot is the first running back this season to hit the 1000 yard mark? He’s also first in all purpose yards, and, not to outdo himself with so many top finishes, he’s now Public Enemy #1 to NFL investigators! Odd, seems more like a job for Republican Congressional members. Look, I’m not really an Alfred Morris fan, and I’ve advised that this is one handcuff that isn’t terribly necessary, but if you look at how Ballghazi and Tom Brady ended up, it’s probably prescient to consider Morris a waiver target if available.
Jay Cutler – 16/30, 182 YDS, 6.1 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 55.1 RTG and 1 CAR, 7 YDS, 1 FUM. Jay Cutler, doing his personal best to solidify his feast-or-famine reputation. Also known as the “Brian Hoyer scale”.
Rob Gronkowski – 3 REC, 56 YDS, 26 LONG, 6 TGTS. Gronk strikes me as the kind of person that if he was a woman, he’d wipe back to front.
DeAndre Hopkins – 5 REC, 48 YDS, 9.6 AVG, 16 LONG, 13 TGTS. Stephen Anderson and Ryan Griffin had the only receiving touchdowns, with a combined 14 yards in receiving. I want to let that sink in for a moment, mainly because misery loves company.
Jordan Howard – 15 CAR, 100 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 15 LONG. The Chicago Bears running game, also referred to as: What if I want to die by mixed liquors?, took another potential blow with Howard suffering an ankle/Achilles injury yesterday. There are some mixed reports on if this is true or not, but he did play until breaking the 100 yard threshold before ending the game on the sidelines…
Carlos Hyde – 13 CAR, 14 YDS, 1.1 AVG, 5 LONG. Hyde was extremely proficient at getting those two or three yard gains on third downs yesterday. Of course, they were on all 3rd and 14’s, but still, good for him.
Case Keenum –17/30, 165 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 72.2 RTG and 5 CAR, 11 YDS, 2.2 AVG, 7 LONG. Case Keenum doesn’t exactly march down the field like other quarterbacks do. Prancing, perhaps? Skipping? Either would work. Granted, the same people defending Trevor Siemian starting over Paxton Lynch are probably the same clamoring for Jared Goff. I’d just prefer Kyle Orton in either situation, honestly. Because some men just want to watch the world burn.
Ryan Mathews – 19 CAR, 109 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD, 21 LONG and 2 REC, 30 YDS, 15.0 AVG, 20 LONG, 2 TGTS. It would appear that the Falcons’ run defense is a work in progress… In terms what to expect going forward since Wendell Smallwood (13 CAR, 70 YDS, 19 LONG) makes this situation… murky, I’d probably expect less of what happened yesterday. It’s clear that not much has changed since the beginning of the season with Mathews, he’s an average RB2 with a low ceiling, fumble issues, and minimal PPR value, with a secondary running back that has a presence and siphons snaps. So it’s basically in between the Bengals and Vikings in terms of fantasy football annoyance.
Jerick McKinnon – 6 CAR, 16 YDS, 2.7 AVG, 13 LONG and 3 REC, 17 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 12 LONG, 4 TGTS. So, did it just take the Vikings a few games to realize how sh*tty they should actually be with all these injuries? Granted, this is more a career thing with McKinnon specifically, but I’ve never seen a team delay their inevitable landing spot for so long without anyone noticing.
Ty Montgomery – 2 REC, 11 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 8 LONG, 2 TGTS and 3 CAR, 9 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 5 LONG. I think you need to go home and stop drinking McCarthy. Not necessarily in that order.
DeMarco Murray – 17 CAR, 123 YDS, 7.2 AVG, 1 TD and 2 REC, 33 YDS, 16.5 AVG, 35 LONG, 3 TGTS. I’m really obnoxiously proud of myself for drafting DeMarco Murray this year. And all of you should be too.
Cam Newton – 23/38, 261 YDS, 6.9 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 78.9 RTG and 12 CAR, 54 YDS, 4.5 AVG, 1 TD, 28 LONG. Is President Trump going to announce a government program to inoculate children against Cam Newtonism? Asking for a friend. (Also, Cam’s probably wondering how he can get calls like Tom Brady does as I’m watching this SNF game.)
Bryce Petty – 19/32, 163 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 70.2 RTG. Because the Jets are ♪♪ free, free fallin’ ♪♪. (Quick scouting report: Dude has got an arm. Not much else. So he’s basically Kevin Kolb. So, you know, you do you maaaan.)
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) November 13, 2016
Bilal Powell – 4 CAR, 37 YDS, 9.3 AVG, 17 LONG and 7 REC, 52 YDS, 7.4 AVG, 1 TD, 11 LONG, 7 TGTS. Bilal Powell really doesn’t get enough credit for being a pretty solid PPR option. Though, it might be due to the fact that his name’s “Bilal”…
Jordan Reed – 2 REC, 41 YDS, 20.5 AVG, 25 LONG, 4 TGTS. Dear Jordan Reed, You’re a pretty good tight end, so please try not to damage your brain too much. Also, you would probably look better without that pencil mustache there, you know, unless that facial hair helps to protect your brain, in which case, carry on. Sincerely, me.
Philip Rivers – 23/44, 326 YDS, 3 TD, 4 INT, 7.4 AVG, 61.4 RTG. Dear Mary, did you know that I hailed you? I’m thinking that’s a no… more like A River Runs Through… My Heart, amiright folks?
Aaron Rodgers – 31/51, 371 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT, 79.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 27 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 1 TD, 20 LONG. The Packers have clearly decided that since the nation has reverted to the 80’s, they will too. Is Randy Wright still around? Lynn Dickey?
Ben Roethlisberger – 37/46, 408 YDS, 8.9 AVG, 3 TD, 125.4 RTG and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. The Steelers are an odd team for me. Besides Ben HUR DUR McRapey, I don’t dislike them, but I still enjoy it when they lose.
Trevor Siemian – 25/40, 258 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 2 TD, 2 ING, 76.9 RTG and 6 CAR, 5 YDS, 0.8 AVG, 3 LONG. I haven’t seen Siemian perform this terribly since the invention of the birth control pill…
Spencer Ware – 13 CAR, 61 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 12 LONG and 3 REC, 11 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 5 LONG, 3 TGTS. Are the Chiefs a great team or a terrible team? I can never tell.
Carson Wentz – 25/36, 231 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 86.7 RTG and 4 CAR, 10 YDS, 2.5 AVG, 13 LONG, 1 FUM. Now Eagles fans get to see what the 00-04 Eagles would have looked like without a ridiculously good quarterback. Not to mention that the Eagles have beaten pre-defenestrate Vikings, pre-defenestrate Steelers, and just beat the Falcons. Which means a Falcons season meltdown is imminent. Because science.
Jameis Winston – 23/33, 312 YDS, 9.5 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 107.1 RTG. Bears went with their usual bend, break, and immolate approach on defense, and it worked about as well as they planned for.
If you can’t be happy for winning a 9-6 game, then there’s nothing worth being happy for in this world.