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Contrary to most people, Fantasy Football actually reinforces my belief in a higher power. Because in my opinion, the statistical probability that the Bears would be so uniquely irrelevant for such a long amount time is far less likely than a giant vengeful sky man wanting to live with you when you die. And if we are talking in terms of fantasy (something we do from time to time), it doesn’t seem that long ago when Jay Cutler was doing his best impersonation of Jay Cutler, but with a cast of Matt Forte, Martellus Bennett, Brandon Marshall, and Alshon Jeffery. Sure, they were still full of derp, and kinda bordering the line between mediocre and hilarious, but they had an offense. Dare I say, an identity? More importantly though, they had an offense with personnel that you wanted on your team. Now all that’s left is Alshon Jeffery living in Hoyer Country. (If he throws a Hail Mary, what should they do about their papist neighbors?) So what’s wrong with the Bears offense? Is it: A) Hoyer can’t throw the ball, B) Kevin White doesn’t know what a Route Tree is, C) The offensive line can’t block, D) Alshon Jeffery hasn’t cared since they shipped Brandon Marshall off to the Jets, or E.) All the above? And sure, lets give some credit to the Cowboys. Ezekiel Elliott had a terrific game on the ground (kudos to Zach for calling it in his Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em post), and Dak Prescott looks pretty legitimate. I mean, let’s be honest, drafting a good quarterback by accident is just about the most Cowboys thing ever. But while I deal with my own feelings as a Chargers fan (alcohol is involved), I have to wonder why the Bears even exist right now. But then I remember that the Cleveland Browns are still a thing and it all makes sense.

Here’s what else I saw in Sunday’s Week 3 games…

Jay Ajayi – 7 CAR, 28 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 1 TD. Kenyan Drake (9 CAR, 37 YDS, 4.1 and 2 REC, 11 YDS) didn’t do that much either. Ya know, times like this, I really love it when I look up Foster’s updated status and the medical experts say “they’d be shocked if Arian Foster ever played football again”. Seem like the most Arian Foster thing ever said.

Doug Baldwin8 REC, 164 YDS, 20.5 AVG, 1 TD. Seattle did know that they were up, by like 80 in the first quarter against a Blaine Gabbert led offense, right? Are they thinking they need to run up the score to impress the voters or something?

Cole Beasley7 REC, 73 YDS, 10.4 AVG. Welcome to Trent Green, population: Cole Beasley. I can only joke because he came back pretty quickly after passing concussion protocols. (The joke was better when we had video of it, but that was taken down by the source… probably because it’s the No Fun League.) I’ve never really been a Beasley fan (because, you know, you actually have to know he exists to be one), but this is the second nice game from him, and he clearly has a rapport with Dak. Matt was on this last week, and now I’m convinced that there might be something there.

Odell Beckham Jr.7 REC, 121 YDS, 17.3 AVG. Hmmm, makes you wonder if Josh Norman benefited from the defensive system in Carolina or if maybe Beckham is pretty good at this football stuff. I’d say it’s a little of both.

Anquan Boldin4 REC, 22 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 1 TD. Green Bays’ defense let Marvin Jones have his way with them, but they also decided, as usual, that everyone deserves at least a chance. Even an 82-year-old receiver in Boldin.

Blake Bortles24/38, 194 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT, 60.6 RTG and 3 CAR, 17 YDS. Bortles might not be any good, guys. Just sayin’…

Dez Bryant3 REC, 40 YDS, 13.3 AVG, 1 TD. So Dez FINALLY did a thing, it seems. Good for him.

Randall Cobb1 REC, 33 YDS. Cobb is as useless as pants on a porn star.

Kirk Cousins21/35, 296 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 2 TD, 106.4 RTG and 3 CAR, -5 YDS. When questioned about his poor performance in the red zone, Cousins noted that red usually means stop and he has simply been reinforcing cultural assumptions about the color in question.

Andy Dalton21/31, 206 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 1 INT (4 sacks), 72.8 RTG and 6 CAR, 40 YDS. New Game: Guess what Dalton said or did to his offensive line that would explain why they don’t block for him anymore…

Eric Decker1 REC, 31 YDS. The Jets looked, um, bad.

Stefon Diggs4 REC, 40 YDS. Minnesota’s defense had more points than all of Minnesota’s wide receivers combined. Sitting on the waiver wire too, presumably.

Larry Donnell3 REC, 11 YDS. Someone needs to put a camera on Tom Coughlin at the retirement home while he watches Donnell try to get space and be involved in the game plan. Actually, ef that, just show him for the entire game… it’d be more entertaining than the Giants taking a McAdoo-doo on the field…

Ezekiel Elliott30 CAR, 140 YDS, 4.7 AVG and 2 REC, 20 YDS. Maybe we should all be open to the alternate theory as to why Elliot looked so much better last night: He was playing against the Bears.

Ryan Fitzpatrick20/44, 188 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 6 INT, 18.2 RTG and 3 CAR, 22 YDS. Six picks for Fitz… hey, at least it rhymes.

Joe Flacco29/40, 214 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 2 INT, 64.0 RTG and 3 CAR, 12 YDS. So, yeah, not much to say about this game. I mean, Flacco got a rushing touchdown, which I’m sure he celebrated last night by drinking an elite cup of warm milk. Or maybe he got wild and instead went chocolate milk. CRAZY GUY!

Blaine Gabbert14/25, 119 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 1 INT, 51.9 RTG and 5 CAR, 22 YDS. You’d think this would be the time to bring in Colin Kaepernick to see what he can do…

T.Y. Hilton8 REC, 174 YDS, 21.8 AVG, 1 TD. And with that hilarious statline, the Chargers are moving to… somewhere else in California. Bakersfield maybe. Pismo probably.

DeSean Jackson5 REC, 96 YDS, 19.2 AVG, 1 TD. The Mystery of Cousins: Does he ever see DeSean Jackson in the end zone or is he just aiming at the defensive backs?

Alshon Jeffery5 REC, 70 YDS, 14.0 AVG. So… Alshon will be signed by the Jets next year, right?

David Johnson19 CAR, 88 YDS, 4.4 AVG 2 TD and 3 REC, 28 YDS, 9.3 AVG. Uh, Bills? Could someone ‘splain this? (Also, that is the eternal question for the Bills in general, is it not? DEEP.)

Duke Johnson10 CAR, 69 YDS, 6.9 AVG and 5 REC, 12 YDS, 2.4 AVG. I’m pretty sure the original Duke was John Wayne. Or was it the Duke of Earl?

Marvin Jones6 REC, 205 YDS, 34.2 AVG, 2 TD. Coincidentally, 205 is also Chip Kelly’s preferred distance, in miles, from the nearest black guy. That doesn’t necessarily say anything about Jones, but hey, the more you know…

Jeremy Hill17 CAR, 97 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD. Running game! The Bengals found its running game! It only took about a month!

Brian Hoyer30/48, 317 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 2 TD, 95.6 RTG and 3 CAR, -3 YDS. Last night, Cris Collinsworth said that Brian Hoyer was a reason for hope. Is he trolling? That’s about as believable as Al Michaels saying he hasn’t had sex with any teenage girls in the last three decades.

Jeremy Maclin4 REC, 35 YDS. Does Maclin still think he is playing for the Eagles? What’s going on here?

Eli Manning25/38, 350 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 82.1 RTG. Eli tried fixing some of his interception and ball security problems by naming the ball “Balley” and pretending it was a cousin of his bear, “Beary”. Not sure if it’s working, so we might have to work something out using Capri Sun and Chips Ahoy.

Marcus Mariota17/33, 214 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 22 YDS, 7.3 AVG. I have the feeling that Mariota needs to be recused from Tennessee.

Ryan Mathews2 CAR, -5 YDS. Yeah, he finally injured himself to death.

LeSean McCoy17 CAR, 110 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 2 TD and 3 REC, 6 YDS. Shady and DeSean doing really well always makes me remember that Chip Kelly may actually have no idea what he’s doing.

Christine Michael20 CAR, 106 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 2 TD and 2 REC, 5 YDS. Wow, 49ers. Wow. Only you could allow something like this to happen.

Jordy Nelson6 REC, 101 YDS, 16.8 AVG, 2 TD. Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) the Lions still haven’t learned how to cover this particular combo. You’d figure that almost a decade would bring some form of clarity on the situation…

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Cam Newton21/35, 262 YDS, 7.5 AVG, 3 INT, 47.6 RTG and 7 CAR, 26 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 1 TD. Newton was sacked eight times by the way… “Derek Anderson is warming up.” I’ll take: What are things I don’t want to hear?, Alex. And holy sh*t, what was Cam Newton wearing in his post game interview this time? Last week, he was a monorail salesman, and now this? Granted, I’m thankful he at least showed up alive, but is that a tank-top made out of leather and suede… with a geometric pattern? WITH MR. PEANUT’S EYEGLASSES AND HAT? What is even going on?

Carson Palmer26/50, 287 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 4 INT, 36.0 RTG. Did Rex and Rob Ryan eat Carson Palmer? That’s the only explanation I can think of when I saw that he had, like four fantasy points.

Dak Prescott19/24, 248 YDS, 10.3 AVG, 1 TD, 123.6 RTG and 4 CAR, 36 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 1 TD. More like Dak IMPRESScott, amiright folks?

Terrelle Pryor8 REC, 144 YDS, 18.0 AVG and 3/5, 35 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 81.2 RTG and 4 CAR, 21 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 1 TD. So, on the bright side for the Browns, they didn’t break the shoulder of any quarterbacks this week. There’s that I guess…

Bobby Rainey1 REC, 24 YDS. When it Bobby Rainey, it pours.

Jordan Reed4 REC, 56 YDS. Jordan Reed, or as I call him: Gronk with higher levels of melanin, annnnnd not as good. It’s a long nickname, I know. But apt, very very apt.

Philip Rivers26/39, 330 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 92.9 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. Rivers looked like someone bad mouthed Mary Magdalene or something. AND on another note, Manti Te’o left with what looked like a serious injury, untouched of course, just like Keenan Allen’s ACL explosion… I mean, last season, the Chargers offensive line injuries doomed the team, and now it looks like this season, everybody on the Chargers except the offensive line are getting injured and dooming the team. And honestly, how disappointing is it that security allowed Te’o’s vengeful ex-girlfriend to storm out onto the field and take him out like that? Really low of her.

Aaron Rodgers15/24, 205 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 4 TD, 129.3 RTG and 5 CAR, 22 YDS, 4.4 AVG. I see the Lions decided to not wait for Thanksgiving to lose in a horrible fashion to the Packers this year. Good for them.

Ben Roethlisberger24/44, 257 YDS, 5.8 AVG, 1 INT, 62.4 RTG and 1 CAR, 7 YDS. I don’t think Big Ben’s was this frustrated since the stall door was locked.

Eddie Royal3 REC, 21 YDS, 7.0 AVG. I hope Eddie Royal never goes to France.

Kyle Rudolph – 7 REC, 70 YDS, 10.0 AVG, 1 TD. Must be the Southern hospitality thing that Carolina is known for…

Emmanuel Sanders9 REC, 117 YDS, 13.0, 2 TD. YOUR MOM LIKES IT HIGH AND LOW SIEMIAN! I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it involves your mom and Siemian, so I’m actually okay with it.

Trevor Siemian – 23/35, 312 YDS, 8.9 AVG, 4 TD, 132.1 RTG and 3 CAR, 5 YDS. Granted, actual simians haven’t done well in Cincy lately, but Siemian appears to have found his grove. He’s still a high-floor/low-ceiling guy for me, but hey, places get renovated all the time, especially when you go against a secondary that allows the approval of any permits you might need. Yeah, I’m all out of housing metaphors, so you know, thanks for coming.

Sterling Shepard5 REC, 73 YDS, 14.6 AVG, 1 TD. Even though the narrative for yesterday’s game was “OBJ vs. Norman: WATCH IT”, I’m pretty sure Sterling Shepard has solidified himself as a solid WR2 and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him grow even more. Also, I hate myself for owning zero shares of Sterling Shepard.

Wendell Smallwood17 CAR, 79 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 1 TD. Smallwood? I thought we all stopped talking about Brett Favre ages ago…

Darren Sproles2 CAR, -1 YDS and 6 REC, 128 YDS, 21.3 AVG, 1 TD. F*CKING TINY DARREN YOU GUYS.

Ryan Tannehill25/39, 319 YDS, 8.2 AVG, 3 TD, 2 INT, 93.9 RTG and 1 CAR, 2 YDS, 1 FUM. Jesus, Dolphins. I’m gonna go change the Wikipedia entry of “clusterf*ck” to redirect to Tannehill’s player profile.

Carson Wentz23/31, 301 YDS, 9.7 AVG, 2 TD, 125.9 RTG and 1 CAR, 10 YDS. The sports media is going fellate Wentz to the point that I’m gonna start hating him, you just watch. I mean, can you imagine what’ll happen when Cris Collinsworth and Jon Gruden gets a hold of him again? You’ll never get the stains out.

Terrance Williams4 REC, 88 YDS, 22.0 AVG. Hey, that’s not Dez Bryant. I don’t like any of these guys who aren’t Dez.