It’s adorable that Eli thinks if he grows a beard, it’ll help with his perpetual eight-year-old looking face. You have to be at least 14 to do that…
[Puts hands on hips every single time my team screws up, since I had nothing to do with it. And everyone around me doesn’t measure up to my exacting standards that I haven’t somehow been able to communicate to the team over the last umpteen years, mainly because of them. Totally.] -Tom Coughlin. And thus ends the Giants season, (most likely), but don’t worry, the dream still remains alive that the NFC East division (which I also sometimes call Derpville, Population: NFC EAST), won’t have a team that will finish above .500. All that stands in the way is competence from Washington. Haha, we all know what that means. Also, Cam Newton threw another set of about 20 or so touchdowns in the first half and finished the game with 5,258. While that’s partly the Giants being the Giants, it’s hard to deny that Newton has had a MVP-caliber season on a team that’s expected to go far into the playoffs. It’ll be interesting to see how the actual vote settles, with Tom Brady doing Tom Brady-like things and other, whiter players in the mix. I’m sure we can depend on the complete objectivity and unquestionable ethics of all the sports writers to come through. And since the award will be based on the merits, the MVP will probably go to… Peyton Manning.
Here’s what else I saw during Week 15’s Sunday games…
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Kamar Aiken – 8 REC, 128 YDS, 1 TD. What in God’s name are the Ravens wearing? To me, it appears they are really embracing the idea of resignation.
Javorius Allen – 4 CAR, 18 YDS. Oh my god Ravens. You’re drunk, go home.
Cameron Artis-Payne – 14 CAR, 59 YDS and 2 REC, 34 YDS. Did you know what Mr. T’s prediction for the Panthers vs. Giants game was?: “ARTIS-PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYNE”.
Odell Beckham Jr. – 6 REC, 76 YDS, 1 TD. While I would normally question the choice of footwear here, I find myself unable to say anything negative about OBJ, therefore, I will allow it.
Jimmy Clausen – 26/45, 281 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 30 YDS. My God, the Ravens really are bad this year. I had no idea how bad, until I sat down yesterday and watched them for about five minutes.
Stefon Diggs – 3 REC, 55 YDS, 2 TD. What is this, October?
Shaun Draughn – 9 CAR, 38 YDS and 1 REC, 4 YDS. In my expert opinion, the 49ers are very poor at the footing of the ball.
Matt Forte – 8 CAR, 47 YDS and 6 REC, 57 YDS, 1 TD. I’m so glad I only half-paid attention to the Bears’ gradual descent into NFC East-level badness. And you know what’s up when I throw down the dreaded “NFC East” label…
Devin Funchess – 2 REC, 30 YDS, 1 TD. Bunchess of Funchess?
Blaine Gabbert – 28/45, 275 YDS, 1 TD, 3 INT and 2 CAR, 10 YDS. Introducing the new San Flowcisco Gabba-Niners!
Tedd Ginn Jr. – 6 REC (14 TGTS), 85 YDS, 2 TD. So Ginn leads the league in passes defended, no? Maybe Ginn should become a defensive back. Then he wouldn’t have to catch it…
Frank Gore – 16 CAR, 44 YDS and 1 REC, 15 YDS. Well, I can see fantasy points won’t be necessary here…
Ronnie Hillman – 14 CAR, 48 YDS. Not content with simply leaving Emmanuel Sanders (10 REC, 181 YDS, 1 TD) open all day, the Steelers’ defense decided to give the Broncos’ running game a try. They’re equal opportunity defenders ya know, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be for poor Ronnie Hillman. That kinda says a lot about Hillman when you think about it.
Joey Iosefa – 14 CAR, 51 YDS. More like Iosefa’cking mad for starting Brandon Bolden, amirite folks?
Rashad Jennings – 16 CAR, 107 YDS, 1 TD. I’m gonna level with you Jennings, I don’t like the Giants chances of winning the division right now, so I’m not sure what you’re doing having a game like this.
Eli Manning – 29/46, 245 YDS, 4 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Well, there goes any chance of Eli getting new Star Wars toys from pop-pop Coughlin this Christmas…
Johnny Manziel – 19/32, 161 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 17 YDS. Might need to rename him “Johnny Effing Fumble”.
Christine Michael – 16 CAR, 84 YDS. Time to go eat pretzels.
Cam Newton – 25/45, 340 YDS, 5 TD and 8 CAR, 100 YDS. Cam Newton: MVP. No doubt in my mind. Even Jerry Richardson is inclined to give him 3/5’s of his vote.
Brock Osweiler – 19/34, 227, 3 TD, 1 int and 4 CAR, 14 YDS, 1 TD. Tim Tebow was mentioned more times in this game than Peyton Manning was…
Denard Robinson – 14 CAR, 28 YDS and 8 REC, 46 YDS. It doesn’t matter if the Jaguars wants to finish under 10 losses or not. Destiny wants them to.
Ben Roethlisberger – 39/53, 372 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT. Todd Haley giveth, but don’t forget that Todd Haley also taketh. Something like that. Just becareful of Todd Haley is my point.
Tyrod Taylor – 16/27, 235 YDS, 2 TD and 9 CAR, 79 YDS. Tyrod Taylor looked like an actual tie-rod there… underneath Washington’s bus…
Demaryius Thomas – 5 REC, 61 YDS, 2 TD. Pittsburgh’s strategy of tiring Denver out by letting them do whatever they wanted did not exactly work out.
Fozzy Whitaker – 2 CAR, 2 YDS and 2 REC, 14 YDS. What’s a Fozzy Whitaker? A Muppet-like bear? An excellent blues name…. if he played the blues?
Russell Wilson – 21/30, 249 YDS, 3 TD and 5 CAR, 46 YDS. I bet Russell Wilson fills his swimming pool with recovery water. You can’t drown in it. #Nanobubbles.
Final Thought
