Greetings! Your favorite fantasy writer’s favorite fantasy writer (shout out to Apache Kid) is officially back from the islands and fully prepared to drop Elder God-knowledge on the chosen few of you who consistently read my posts. I’d like to begin (I guess this isn’t technically the beginning), by apologizing for my single, brief post from last week. Right as I was beginning to outline my usual Saturday post, I received a carrier pigeon from Jay the Elder, demanding that I enjoy my vacation and not submit my Start/Sit column. I’m assuming it had to do with the gutter trash I turned in on Tuesday, but still, I’m grateful nonetheless. Oh, how I’ve missed this though! I will never schedule another vay-cay during football season ever again. Not to mention, you feel like a piece of rhino dung for sitting inside watching football when you’re in Maui, but I just can’t help myself. I love this game, my goodmen, and I let you down. NEVER AGAIN!
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!
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Players that will Delight
Kirk Cousins – Beam me up Scotty, we’re about to be in the midst of a hurricane of photon torpedoes! WHOEVER the Saints’ defense plays against looks like a first ballot Hall of Famer, and I expect nothing less from Cousins AKA the chosen one… aaaahkay, maybe not a first ballot Hall of Famer, but most definitely a Pro Bowler. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. A few weeks back I had Cousins as my headliner against Tampa Bay and he responded as if the Elder Gods themselves were guiding his throwing arm. Expect 300-plus yards and three touchdowns. MINIMUM.
Eli Manning – Has anyone ever super soaked Bill Belichick and Tom Brady with hot urine like Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning have? Seriously, the Giants OWN the souls of every weenie in the greater Masshole area, and I expect Eli to shock the world yet again, and do the Patriots like Ivan Drago did Apollo Creed. If they die, they die.
Darren McFadden – I don’t care that Tampa Bay only gives up 3.7 yards per carry. I don’t care if Dallas blows yet another close game. I don’t care if Ralph’s wife continues harassing me about child support payments. What I DO care about, is that DMC has been reborn and has now had three consecutive 20-carry games for the FIRST time in his CAREER! Think about that for a second… no seriously, it’s blowing my effing mind! Not only is he getting the carries but he looks phenomenal in doing so. Without Romo, the Cowboys need to continue to run the ball as much as possible in order to eliminate one of the multiple pick-sixes Matt Cassel insists upon throwing. I say he goes for over 100 again… P.S. F*ck Christine Michael.
DeMarco Murray – Well, well, well, Murray decided to show up against his former team this past week and I believe he’s just getting started. Remember when Kim Kardashian got long D’d by Ray J on camera and somehow parlayed that into her entire family becoming disgustingly wealthy? Well, DeMarco’s tale is a tad different than that, but if a star-chasing rat like Kim can get famous from the banana in the tailpipe, than Murray can turn around his season. And please stop with the Ryan Mathews is a better player talk, because it’s making both my eardrums and my butt bleed.
Alshon Jeffery – Over his past three games, Jeffery the Elder blessed has gone Tom Sizemore berserk on the competition, bringing in eight, ten, and ten receptions for 147, 116, and 151 yards with two end zone celebrations. If you don’t believe Alshon is a weekly top-five fantasy play, I’m guessing you’re the kind of guy who enjoys beastiality porn. And that’s just the way it is, like Tupac said.
DeSean Jackson – If D-Jax doesn’t hit a long TD against New Orleans this week, I’ll cut off my testicles and wear them on a necklace for the rest of my days in this world.
Jimmy Graham – Arizona has been quite solid against opposing tight ends this year, BUT, my boy Barnidge got a little loose on them and Gillmore was THIS close to making a game-tying touchdown against them the week prior. If the Seahawks hope to win this game, Jimmy is going to serve more meat than Siegfried and Roy on a Molly binge. Since I’m predicting a Seahawks win, I know this will occur… I’m almost positive… I’m pretty sure… I’m hoping anyway… PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS!
Players that will Disgrace
Landry Jones – It doesn’t matter if Pittsburgh was playing Toledo this week; I’m still not recommending Jones. He’s simply not a legit starting quarterback in this league and I believe if Josh McCown plays, that the Brown steal this game. Antonio Brown and Martavis Bryant are not quarterback proof and they will be bumped down in my rankings accordingly.
Ryan Tannehill – Has there ever been a more overrated quarterback in NFL history? I meeeeeeean, dude licks more chode than Elton John’s house boys. Â His inability to throw the ball down the field truly baffles me, especially when considering the weapons he has in the artillery this season. The Dolphins season is tanking in a hurry and I expect the Eagles to continue their SEMI-strong play.
Antonio Andrews – I think I just saw Bishop Sankey’s face on a milk carton… What’s it feel like drafting homeboy over Carlos Hyde and Jeremy Hill right about now? Ughhhh! Anyway, this Andrews dude is now a household name and has been solid for the most part. Problem is, Carolina’s run defense goes harder than Moby’s dick, and I expect them to be playing from behind. I’d be surprised if he goes for over 60 yards.
Eddie Lacy – Damn, it’s a trip, how a playa can switch so quick, from scoring touchdowns to mixing hershey’s chocolate syrup with Bisquick. So now you looking more pigger, but to me you ain’t nothin but a lard ass boot licker. That ain’t worth the food stamp. And in Green Bay I hear you getting treated like boot camp.
Larry Fitzgerald – Richard Sherman is on point right now and I’ll be Gods damned before this crusty vet takes him to school on our home field. Floyd and Brown are better options this week, and I probably wouldn’t start them either unless absolutely necessary.
A.J. Green – Read something about how the Texans haven’t given up shizz to opposing number one wideouts this season. I meaaaan, it’s not like you’re not going to start A.J. Green, but I surely wouldn’t pay his price in DFS this week… that is if it’s still legal anywhere by Sunday. If you follow me on Twitter (not for the weak at heart), you’d know I predicted this long ago. Shame.
Vernon Davis – Jeeeez, what got into Owen Daniels this last week? Oh yeah, Elway felt the need to trade for a tight end upgrade because of how Charmin soft Daniels has been all season. But still, I’m hearing that Davis isn’t exactly Albert Einstein when it comes to picking up play books, so this may be a long process, or possibly one that never amounts to anything. He’s an interesting add if you’re desperate, but shoot, the two Denver hog wideouts aren’t even both going off due to Manning’s ineptitude, so I highly doubt Davis has more than a decent game or two.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. It’s always a pleasure getting to interact with you, the reader, in the comment section below. Questions and comments are always welcome and I’ll be around all week to go over all the intricate details of your war strategy going forward. Hoping you all have an exceptional week.
